by Kit Tunstall
At first, she thought he meant being coerced into an unwanted relationship, before it clicked that he thought she was pregnant. Considering she’d just had her period during the six days she’d managed to hide from him, it was unlikely. Seeing how happy he was, she didn’t tell him that though, not wanting his ugly side to emerge. “Why are you so anxious for me to get pregnant?”
Shane’s look suggested he found the question stupid. “I’m forced to watch Ty growing up a bit more every day, bonding with Tony. He called him Da yesterday. It breaks my heart.”
Despite how much she hated and feared him, she still found a bothersome shred of sympathy poking at her. “You can’t replace Ty with another kid.”
He shook his head. “I know that, and I’m not trying to. I just think our baby will ease the ache.” He cupped her stomach protectively. “I can’t wait ‘til you start showing, and I can feel it kick.”
A heavy weight seemed to settle on Mina, and she knew she couldn’t allow him to keep thinking there was a baby. He would just be angrier when he found out the truth, and she knew he’d be more devastated the longer she waited to tell him. It shouldn’t bother her at all if he was completely crushed, but she wasn’t as soulless and cruel as she needed to be to handle Shane without any empathy or emotion. “I’m not pregnant,” she admitted reluctantly.
He tilted his head, his hand still caressing her belly. “It’s been long enough to start having symptoms, Mina.”
She nodded. “Yeah, but I had my period a few days ago.”
Disappointment was evident in his expression and the way he sighed deeply. After a moment, he seemed to rally. “It’s okay. It hasn’t been that long. We’ll make a baby in no time.”
Mina’s resolve to avoid that at all costs wavered as an idea occurred to her. “If I give you a baby, will you stop coming to my room at night?”
Either he willfully misinterpreted what she wanted, or he was just too self-absorbed with his goal to understand what she was offering. “Of course not, Mina. Like I said the first time, I’m going to make love to you until you’re so big it isn’t safe. Having my baby won’t make me lose interest in you.”
It was a relief to hear that, but only because it didn’t put her in the position of deciding whether she could stand to have a baby for the man in order to buy her freedom from him. The idea of trading a helpless infant for her sanity was sickening, and she couldn’t believe she had even briefly entertained the thought. Shane was already turning her into someone she didn’t recognize.
Chapter Six
Mina winced as her back collided with the pantry door the next morning. Emme was standing nearby, holding an armful of jars, and she frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Shaking her head, she said, “Nothing.” Her back was raw and abraded from the tree bark, and she’d accidentally started it throbbing again when she’d hit the door.
Looking like the severe older sister she was, Emme set the jars down on the counter in the kitchen after they walked back in before turning to face Mina with a frown. “Let me see.” When she shook her head, Emme put her hands on her hips and sounded stern. “Turn around now.”
Reluctantly, Mina turned away from her sister and slid off the flannel shirt. The tank top underneath slid up easily, and she hadn’t put on a bra, since the hooks rested right against a particularly sore spot.
Emme hissed. “My god, what happened to you?”
“I fell against a tree.”
“How many times? Fuck, Mina, it looks like you took a grater to your back.”
Mina hunched her shoulders and pulled away, starting to push down the shirt.
“No.” Emme’s hands stopped her. “You stay right here. I’ll be back in a minute. That needs to be cleaned before you get infected.” Her voice softened. “Don’t explain if you don’t want to, but please let me take care of the abrasions.”
Mina nodded and leaned against the counter as she waited for Emme. She jumped when someone exhaled raggedly, turning to find Shane staring at her back with remorseful eyes. Tugging at her shirt, she turned to face him, but he pinned her against the counter before she could complete the move.
“Dammit, Mina, why didn’t you say something yesterday?”
She looked over her shoulder to meet his gaze. “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d give a damn that you were hurting me as long as you got off.”
He winced. “I’m sorry.” His eyes were a soft brown, with gold flecks. “I never want to have to hurt you, and this could have been prevented if you’d said something.”
She shrugged. “As I said, I didn’t think you’d care.” Mina turned away, stiffening when he moved closer, pushing up her shirt to ghost his lips across the sore spots. It made her shiver with a combination of physical pleasure and mental revulsion. The confliction was the absolute worst part of this mess with Shane, she decided. Her mind and body couldn’t seem to sync up and reject him. He knew just how to make her feel good—as easily as he could hurt her or make her feel awful—and she had no means of defense.
“I care, baby girl.” He pressed a kiss to her neck before straightening up as they heard Emme returning.
She frowned at the sight of Shane standing behind Mina. “Are you okay, sis?”
Mina managed a tight nod.
Shane gave her a charming smile. “I was just looking at her back. Looks like hamburger.”
“I was thinking it looked like someone grated it,” said Emme in a neutral voice. “We’re going to take care of it now, if you could leave please.”
“Yes, Doc.” He saluted Emme, seemingly without any annoyance at being banished, and left the kitchen.
“What a jerk,” said Emme, as he left.
Mina arched a brow. “You mean he hasn’t won you over with his charms?”
Her sister scoffed. “There’s something I don’t like about that man. Roll your eyes if you want, but my intuition screams at me to avoid him whenever I’m in his presence.”
“I’m not going to roll my eyes,” said Mina. “Like Dana says in her lessons, part of defense is trusting your instincts and listening to your intuition.”
“Do you like him, Mina?”
“No.” She could answer that without equivocation. He left her a jumbled mess, but she certainly didn’t like him.
“I think it’s best if we both stay away from him.” Emme worked quickly, cleaning her back with cool water before applying a thick paste of something that smelled funky. Mina sniffed, wrinkling her nose. Maybe this would be enough to ward off Shane, at least for a while. When she’d finished, Emme put her hand on Mina’s arm. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me what really happened?”
Mina looked away. “It was a tree.”
Emme sighed loudly, clearly not convinced. “Keep it dry, and see me at least once a day for the next few so we can apply more salve.”
Mina slipped from the kitchen to start her daily chores, conscious of Emme’s gaze resting on her until she was out of sight. It was obvious she’d gotten her sister curious, and a probing Emme could be frightening to face. She hated thinking her sister was suspicious about something, though she was sure Emme didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. If she wanted to keep her secret, she’d have to make sure she was cautious around Emme.
*****
A week later, she knew she had to approach her sister again, even though it would mean a resurgence of the thoughtful, probing glances her sister sometimes directed toward her. They had just started to fade a bit, as Mina had made a conscious effort to act normally. That had been a challenge in itself, considering she didn’t sleep well, except on the few nights she’d managed to sneak out to sleep with Coop after Shane slipped away. Her appetite was nonexistent, and when she did manage to eat, she felt like throwing it up half the time. Mina was sure it wasn’t pregnancy. Just old-fashioned anxiety and stress.
“This is probably the last day you’ll need the salve,” said Emme. They were in her room, where she had a huge wall of dried herb
s and various concoctions she’d prepared. “You’re healing nicely.”
“Good.” Mina gnawed on her lip anxiously. “Um, I need something from you, Emme.”
“Sure, sis.” Emme touched her arm as she pushed down her tank shirt and slid on the light sweater she’d selected. “Do you need something for your stomach? You don’t seem to be eating well. Ulcer?”
“Um, maybe.”
Emme turned to the wall, searching her jars until she pulled down a large one filled with a beige-gray powder. “Slippery elm bark. Drink a cup of tea before you eat, and you’ll feel better within a couple of weeks.”
Mina took the small muslin bag her sister had measured out some into a few minutes later. “Thanks, but that’s not all.”
Emme propped her hip on her worktable. “What’s up?”
“I need more tea.”
Her sister frowned. “What kind of tea?”
Mina focused her gaze on a jar of what looked like dried rosehips. “The contraceptive kind,” she whispered.
Her sister looked deeply worried. “Honey, I know I told you to use it until your next cycle, but if you haven’t had one by now, we might need to consider that it didn’t work.”
Frantically, she shook her head. “No, it’s working. I had a period two weeks ago. I just can’t run out.”
“You don’t have to keep taking it after your period, Mina.”
She gripped her sister’s arm forcefully, not realizing she’d dug in her nails until Emme winced. Mina lightened her touch. “Please, I just need it. I can’t run out.”
Her sister’s expression changed subtly. “Oh.” She gave her a small smile. “Who’s the lucky fella? Coop, isn’t it? I knew there was something between you two…” She trailed off with a frown. “Not Coop?”
Mina didn’t confirm or deny it. “Could you please refill it for me?”
“Of course, but you don’t have to be embarrassed.” Emme touched her cheek to get her attention. “But you aren’t, are you? There’s something more to it.”
Panic flared in Mina, prompted by her sister’s perceptiveness and by the way Emme had touched her face. Shane often touched her that way. She began to tremble, and her stomach churned with nausea. Her vision narrowed until she could only see the blue of Emme’s eyes, and her heart raced.
Mina collapsed to the floor, holding herself and rocking. An incessant droning filled her head, and she didn’t know how long she had tuned out before she heard Emme calling out to her. Slowly, her vision expanded, and she could see Emme kneeling beside her, calling her name. She licked her dry lips. “I’m okay.”
Her sister looked frightened. “You’re not okay. What’s going on, Mina?”
“I’m okay.” She repeated it twice more before she had the strength to stand. “Gotta go,” she said, avoiding her sister’s gaze. When Emme tried to put a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off. “Don’t touch me.” She’d spoken sharply enough to make her sister recoil, and she softened her tone. “Please, just don’t. I’m okay. Just need the tea.” Without another word, she left Emme’s room and detoured into her own, spending several minutes calming down before she attempted to go about her daily chores.
*****
Emme had proven reliable, and Mina was pleased to see the canister refilled a couple of days later. She continued to drink her daily cup over the next seven weeks, as Shane visited her every night. During the few days she’d bled on her next cycle, he’d been content to cuddle with her, which she found worse than rape—though maybe not as horrifying as the times he expected her to satisfy him orally.
She hated that she was adapting to his visits. Mina didn’t bother to wear clothes to bed now, and she didn’t fight Shane when he came to her. Most of the time, she did what he wanted without question or disobedience. She had learned what he liked, and what he liked to hear. When he fucked her, she knew when to moan and what to say to please him. The worst thing was, part of her wanted to please him. It made her life easier when he was happy with her.
Almost every night, she was still slipping out to sleep with Coop. He was a source of comfort, and being with him was about the only time when she felt happy at all. In his presence, she was also less likely to experience flashbacks or the disconnect episodes that plagued her more frequently. Beside him at dinner, when his hand rested on her thigh sometimes, she found a bit of an appetite, and the food managed to stay down.
Lia must have noticed their friendship, because they were in the kitchen fixing food when she said, “So, you and Cooper, huh?”
Mina dropped the knife she’d been holding, all too aware of Shane and several others in the other room, gathered around the woodstove they’d returned with a few days ago. It was a cold day outside, and with the animals tended already, everyone was just resting for a change, besides the people alternating turns on watch in the tower they had constructed that was part of the fence surrounding the house. “What?”
“You and Coop. You’re together, aren’t you?”
Mina shook her head as she tried to take a deep breath. It was hard enough to act naturally around Lia, harboring the load of resentment she carried for her sister, but she couldn’t even attempt to fake her way through this conversation. “No.”
Lia grinned, clearly intent on teasing her. “Who do you think you’re fooling, sis? He’s clearly smitten, and you’re obviously getting a steady supply. Who else would it be?” Underneath the teasing was a slight note of accusation.
Mina’s mouth dropped open. “Why the hell would you think I’m ‘getting a steady supply’?”
Lia rolled her eyes. “’Cause you’re drinking Emme’s tea, same as me. I’ve seen you just about every morning. There’s only one reason you drink contraceptive tea, baby girl.”
She flinched, starting to shake. “Don’t call me that.”
Lia paused, looking closely at her. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” Mina was trembling, and she knew she was on the verge of losing control. She had to get out of the kitchen before she had an episode. She had no idea what else to call it. The first one had happened in Emme’s room, and the subsequent ones were all similar. Even knowing it had to be something like post traumatic stress disorder didn’t help her cope with it or stop it. She’d almost prefer a brain tumor or something fatal, so she could die and get away from everything.
“If you’re too embarrassed to admit you’re having sex, you shouldn’t be having it.” She had the disapproving air of Mina’s Sex Ed teacher in high school.
Rage coursed through her, and Mina slammed the knife into the chopping block forcefully enough to bend the blade and penetrate the solid chunk of oak. She was vaguely aware of Lia flinching away, but didn’t care if she was scaring her. “I wouldn’t even be having sex if it weren’t for you, you fucking slut.” Somehow, she’d managed not to scream the words.
Lia looked offended as Mina shoved past her and headed for the stairs. She heard Emme entering the kitchen behind her, and her well-meaning sister counseling Lia to be patient with her. Lia’s snappish, “It’s been more than two months since the rape. I’m getting tired of her milking it,” followed her up to her room. She slammed the door and barely reined in the urge to kick it.
Her head spun, and she dropped to the floor, rocking. A soft keening cry slipped from her lips, but she eventually stopped hearing it as she rocked herself into oblivion. When she came out of the episode sometime later, her throat was raw, and her lip stung where she had bitten right through it. She wiped her chin, finding a stream of blood, but feeling nothing. As she got to her feet, she felt nothing at all, either physically or emotionally.
After cleaning up with the basin and pitcher of water on her dresser, she forced herself to leave the room. Everyone was in the living room, either on the furniture or on the floor, still hovering near the stove. Lia sat with Tony, and when they looked at each other, she deliberately looked away. Mina had to resist the urge to flip off her sister as she kept walking, going into t
he kitchen. She stood in front of the island, having no set task, and stared out the window. When a hand touched her shoulder, she jumped like she’d been burned, even though she knew it wasn’t Shane. His scent was imprinted in her olfactory memory.
She exhaled as Coop came to stand beside her. Mina let herself relax against him, her head on his shoulder as he rubbed her back.
“You okay, honey?”
She didn’t know what to say. Mina was tired of lying and pretending, but she couldn’t tell him the truth either. So, she just shrugged and let him hold her, enjoying the touch of a man who was with her of her volition, someone who didn’t want anything from her that she didn’t want to give.
Mina looked up to say something to him, and he had bent his head at the same time, probably planning to whisper to her. Their gazes locked, and their lips were only an inch from touching. Before she could talk herself out of it, or remind herself of why she shouldn’t, she stretched a bit higher to brush her lips against his.
The kiss was gentle, almost more of a comfort measure than anything arousing—though there was a strong undercurrent of sexual attraction that she had been suppressing. At the first brush of his lips on hers, it sparked to a raging inferno, and she knew she’d been denying what her heart had known all along. She wanted Cooper with an intense hunger that gave her the urge to strip off his clothes, push him back on the kitchen island, and ride him. Before she could do anything so rash, he broke the kiss.
His green eyes were so tender that she could practically feel her heart breaking in her chest. She would never be able to take things further than this kiss, not with Shane hovering in the background. Since her plan to kill him had basically petered out for lack of ability—Dana’s lessons were helpful, but couldn’t prepare her for the task—and opportunity, she saw no end in sight. When Shane went on supply runs, she found herself hoping he wouldn’t come back, since it represented her only shot of freedom.
She couldn’t do this to herself or Cooper again. With a small whimper, she pushed away from him and fled the kitchen for the second time that day, this time heading toward the stables despite the moratorium on going anywhere alone. Mina hadn’t bothered with her coat, and she shivered in the cold air as she broke into a run. Right then, she wanted nothing more than to hop on her horse and ride away, never to return.