by Jill Shalvis
Jordan turned. A nurse pushing a gurney paused by the desk, waiting for her to move.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Her face warming, she steadied her crutches and moved aside. She couldn’t take up these people’s time when others had more serious problems.
She’d been lucky on that mountain. Aside from a mildly sprained ankle and a few lost pounds, she’d survived the ordeal intact. And after giving her a tetanus booster, antibiotics and an IV to replace lost fluids, the doctor had allowed her to leave. All she needed now was a hot shower and a few days of rest to bring her body back to normal.
If she could only do the same for her heart.
The nurse wheeled the gurney past, and she caught a glimpse of the young man on it. He looked pale against the sheets, his features racked with pain.
And suddenly, her stomach flipped and her heart stalled. And she couldn’t stop the memories from slamming through her, of herself on that gurney years back-alone and in pain, bleeding and suffering badly.
Her knees grew weak at the memory, and she leaned against the wall for support. God, it had been so hard. That terrible fear, the awful pain. The misery of losing her child. The worry that she’d somehow caused it.
The absolute devastation of knowing Cade would rather leap from airplanes than stay with her.
But that wasn’t true. Cade hadn’t abandoned her. She blinked as reality came seeping back, and with it, the truth. Cade wasn’t like her father. He would have rushed to her side.
She was the one at fault. She hadn’t trusted him or his love, hadn’t given him a chance to help her. Then she’d left him without explanation and blamed him for her mistakes.
How could she have been so foolish?
Her blood still slamming in her ears, she struggled to regain her composure. Just then two women rushed past.
“We’re right behind you, Tommy,” one woman called.
Jordan watched them scurry into the curtained space behind the gurney, and then another truth rocked through her. Unlike her, that man wasn’t alone. He had friends to visit him, a support group, people eager to help-whereas Jordan had cut herself off from society back then. Even when they’d moved to Missoula, she hadn’t tried to fit in.
A bitter taste wedged in her throat. She didn’t like that glimpse of herself, but she had to admit it was true. She hadn’t made friends. She’d used her childhood as an excuse to withdraw from people, then blamed Cade for leaving her alone.
She closed her eyes. How could she have been so immature? Hadn’t she done anything right?
Still reeling from this view of her past, she opened her eyes and hobbled off. The bay doors opened with a quiet whoosh as she limped from the emergency room into the lobby, and then out the hospital’s main entrance. The automatic doors slid open to the dark night and a blast of cool air.
She worked her way to the curb, stopped and stared at the near-empty lot. So here she was again, alone. She didn’t have family or friends in Missoula, didn’t know anyone who could help her, aside from Cade. And she had nowhere left to go.
And that was her own damned fault.
She stumbled to a bench beneath a light pole and sat. Moths swarmed above her in the halogen haze. A few cars passed on the nearby road, people going home to waiting families. But no one was expecting her. She didn’t have that family she’d always longed for or the husband she’d always desired.
Because she’d pushed him away.
Her throat cramped with another spasm, and she blinked furiously to stem the hot tears. She’d messed up everything, all right. She’d wounded the man she’d loved and destroyed his trust.
But she couldn’t alter the past. And she couldn’t just sit here and weep. She wasn’t that weak girl anymore, and those helpless days were long gone. She sniffed back her tears and thought hard.
She could check herself into a motel, the same one she’d stayed in when she’d first arrived. She could take a taxi there and spend the night. Then, in the morning, she could resolve the rental car problem and take the first available flight back East.
But why bother? What did she have waiting in Virginia, aside from her job? She loved her work and had built herself a solid career, but nursing homes existed all over. She could find another job here if she decided to stay. Plus, she no longer had a boyfriend there; she couldn’t date Phil when she still loved Cade.
An ache pulsed down her throat at the thought of Cade, followed by a spurt of dread. She needed to break up with Phil. He was a kind, decent man, and she couldn’t lead him on any longer. No matter how distasteful the task, she had to tell him the truth.
She pulled her cell phone from her bag and turned it on, glad that the battery still worked. Then she paused. She couldn’t do it this way, not by phone. It wasn’t fair to Phil. She’d be taking the coward’s way out, running from her problems again.
And she wasn’t doing that anymore. She wasn’t that scared, immature girl; she was an adult, and she would face her problems head-on.
Which meant she had to tell Phil in person.
And then she had to decide what to do with her life.
A sharp, heavy longing pressed on her heart. God, she missed Cade. Only a few hours apart and already she couldn’t stand it. She missed his eyes, that rumbling voice, that sexy, confident grin. How could she bear to spend her life without him?
Was there any chance he would forgive her? She’d hurt him so badly and ruined the trust between them. Could she convince him that she’d changed?
She had to try.
Because she really wasn’t that young girl anymore. She’d changed over the years. She’d proven that up on the mountain. She’d forded a river and battled a cougar. She’d hiked miles on a wounded ankle and escaped a raging fire.
And no way was she now slinking out of Montana without fighting for the man she loved.
Just then, her cell phone beeped, and she held it up to the light. A text message had arrived from Phil.
Surprised, she punched the buttons to retrieve the message. Then she blinked. Phil was here in Missoula, waiting at her motel. He’d heard about the fire and had come to find her.
Her astonishment turned to dismay, and then settled into resolve. She hadn’t expected him here, but his arrival couldn’t be better. First, she would meet with him, explain that she didn’t love him and that he deserved a more suitable wife.
Then she’d track down the man she did love and plead for a second chance.
An hour later, she stood in front of Phil’s motel room and balanced her crutches on the faded red carpet. Muted voices from the television seeped through the door, so she knew that he was awake. She knocked, sending a loud rap echoing down the deserted hallway, then winced, hoping she wouldn’t disturb the neighbors. It was after midnight, too late for a social call, but past time to own up to her mistakes.
Seconds later, the security chain rattled, and then the door swung open and Phil stepped into view. His brown eyes blinked behind his wire-rimmed glasses. “Jordan?”
“Hi, Phil.” Warmth slid through her chest, along with a strong spurt of fondness, the delight at seeing a friend. There was no nervous anticipation, none of the thrilling jolts she felt whenever she saw Cade.
“Holy cow.” His jaw slack, he opened the door wider. His eyes grew dazed as he scanned from her torn jeans and dirty face to the bandages on her hands. “What happened to you?”
“I got caught in the fire.”
“Oh, man. I was afraid of that. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
He stepped forward and opened his arms, then enveloped her in a hug. “Stop,” she protested. “I’ll get you dirty.”
But he squeezed her anyway, surrounding her with his strength. And she realized that it was this friendship, this dependability that she had confused with love. He was a safe and solid man.
Just not the right one for her.
“I came as soon as I heard about the fire,” he said, pulling away. “No one knew where you were, and I was going nut
s trying to get news.”
He surveyed her, worry creasing his brow. His khaki slacks were wrinkled, his polo shirt askew. His normally neat hair was mussed, as if he’d tugged each strand from its place.
“I can’t believe this,” he continued. “You look…”
“Filthy, I know.” And like the fire survivor she was, bruised and battered, smeared with ashes and grime. Her matted hair tumbled wildly over her shoulders, and she reeked of smoke and sweat.
“And you’ve got crutches,” he noted, still looking stunned.
“It’s just a sprained ankle. Nothing serious.” She gazed into his familiar face and felt his warmth and concern.
A weight loosened around her heart, and any doubts she might have harbored vanished. And suddenly she felt free, liberated, as if a burden had disappeared from her life.
How could she have thought she loved this man? He was so obviously wrong for her-perfectly nice, and the best of friends, but nothing more than that.
As much as she cared for him, she didn’t feel that spark, that depth of feeling she had for Cade. And after her soul-searching up on that mountain, she refused to settle for anything less. She didn’t want a stale, predictable life any longer. She didn’t want a diet of bland white bread and vanilla ice cream, no matter how comfortable the taste.
She wanted excitement, fireworks, passion.
She wanted Cade, smokejumping career and all.
“Phil, I-” She sighed, knowing that this would be hard. “Listen, we need to talk. But it’s a long story, and I need to shower first. I’ve got a room down the hall.” She nodded in that direction. “Can we meet in an hour to talk?”
“Sure.” He stared at her charred jeans, still looking dazed. Then he snapped his gaze back up. “Are you hungry? We can see if anything’s open and grab something to eat.”
“I’d like that.” A surge of affection warmed her heart. No matter what, Phil had flown out here because he cared. And that’s what she called a good friend. “And Phil?”
He raised his brows, still looking shell-shocked.
“I appreciate that you came to find me.”
“Sure.” He blinked again, and she hobbled away.
Chapter 17
“McKenzie! What are you doing here?”
Trying like hell to forget about Jordan. Cade leaned against a long table in the parachute loft as his smokejumping bro, Trey Campbell, strolled toward him. Not that he’d managed to stop thinking about her yet. That woman had worked herself under his skin, driving her self in so deeply that it hurt him even to breathe.
But no way was he admitting that to Trey. His bro had witnessed the hell he’d suffered the first time Jordan had dumped him, and had spent months trying to help him stay sane. No way could he confess that he’d let her de stroy him again.
The dog trailed Trey into the loft. When he spotted Cade, he wagged his tail and rushed to greet him. Careful not to bump his arm, which was secured in a harness-style sling, Cade squatted to ruffle his fur.
The dog looked different this morning, more civilized. His fur had been washed and brushed, his nails trimmed, and he sported a blue bandanna. And he didn’t stink anymore. “Hey, buddy,” Cade said. “Looks like somebody groomed you.”
“No kidding.” Trey propped his hip against the opposite table. “What did that mutt do, anyhow? Roll in a rotting carcass?”
“Beats me.” Cade gave the dog a final pat and straightened while Trey nodded to the other jumpers in the loft. The master rigger sat at one of the sewing machines below the row of elk heads lining the wall, a blue-and-white parachute spread over his legs. There was a lull in the whir of his sewing machine as he greeted Trey back.
“Yo, Trey,” another rigger called above the blare of country music. “You at the top of the list yet?”
“Getting close,” Trey said. “I should make the second load.”
“Sounds good.” The rigger finished packing a chute and pushed it down the long table toward Cade.
Cade reached around a spare iron and glue gun, and picked it up. He checked the size, then strode over and stuffed it into the green cubicle along the wall with the other mediums. With fires popping up all over, they needed to keep the shelves stocked.
Which was why he’d rationalized coming back to work today. At this time of year, they needed all the help they could get. Unfortunately, no matter how busy he stayed, he couldn’t keep his mind off Jordan.
“I thought you were supposed to take it easy for a while,” Trey said.
“Hell, this is easy.” He slouched back against the table. “Not much else I can do with a broken collarbone and two cracked ribs.”
“Except stay in bed?”
“Right.” And no way was he doing that. Every time he closed his eyes, those damned memories flashed through his brain, of Jordan’s smile, her silky skin, that amazing sex in the cave.
So, after a sleepless night spent battling the need to see her, he’d given up and headed to the base. He knew he’d go crazy if he didn’t find something to distract him.
“So what happened up on that mountain?” Trey persisted, crossing his arms.
“Nothing much.” Cade kept his expression neutral. “We found the dog, the fire blew up, they flew us out.”
“Uh-huh.” Trey’s shrewd eyes narrowed. “And that’s why you bolted out of that hospital before I could get back to pick you up?”
“I didn’t bolt.” Not exactly. He scowled. “Hell, you saw what I looked like. I probably smelled worse than the dog. I just wanted to shower and eat.”
And get away from Jordan before he did something foolish, like begging her to love him again.
“Uh-huh,” Trey repeated, his smirk indicating he wasn’t fooled.
Damning Trey for being too perceptive, Cade strode from the loft into the inspection tower, the dog cheerfully tagging his heels. He muttered a greeting to the loft foreman, who was staring up at a red-and-white reserve chute hanging from the ceiling, then pushed his way past the looping shroud lines and anti-inversion netting dangling off the blue-and-white mains.
He glanced down to make sure the dog stayed with him and mentally sighed. Okay, so maybe Trey was right. He had fled the hospital. He hadn’t trusted himself around Jordan. He knew if he gave her the chance, she’d worm her way back into his soul and capture his heart.
Hell, who was he fooling? She already had.
But at least he’d had the sense to control the damage this time. He’d gotten away before he lost all common sense and begged her to stay.
So why wasn’t he relieved? He should be glad he’d escaped that danger.
He braced himself, expecting to feel the rush of anger, the sense of betrayal she always evoked, but he couldn’t conjure it up this time. His rage had dwindled during the night, mellowing into something new.
Guilt.
Guilt that she’d suffered that miscarriage and he hadn’t been there to help. Remorse that he hadn’t eased the pain or kept her safe.
Not that he’d had much chance. She hadn’t even told him she was pregnant. Still, he’d been her husband. He should have been at her side.
His gut knotted, his emotions slugging hard through his chest, he strode into the ready room and glanced around. His gaze landed on the jump list posted by the dispatch desk, and he automatically started to scan it. He’d traveled halfway through the second column before he caught himself. The green magnetic tag bearing his name had been scuttled off to the side, where it would stay for the rest of the season. He had to get used to that fact.
And find some other way to keep his mind off Jordan.
Several jumpers milled around the ready room, repacking their personal gear bags and checking their equipment. Keeping a close watch on the dog in case the siren blew, Cade wandered to his locker and looked in. His jumpsuit jacket hung on one hook, his helmet and pants on another. He made a mental note to thank Trey for returning his gear.
Even if he wouldn’t need it until next spring.
>
“Hey, Cade.” The rookie he’d saved knelt nearby, stuffing a can of baked beans into his PG bag. The kid stood, stuck his bag beneath the shelf in the narrow locker, then strolled over to Cade. “Sorry about your shoulder. I heard it’s messed up pretty bad.”
“The bone’s just cracked. Nothing major.” It was a hell of a way to end the season, but at least the injury would heal.
Grimacing, the kid rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, thanks again, man. For pushing me out of the way, I mean.”
“No problem.”
“I still can’t believe I froze like that.”
Cade shrugged his uninjured shoulder. “Don’t sweat it. We all make mistakes.” Sometimes the same one twice.
“I guess so.” The rookie motioned toward the far wall. “But maybe next time, I’ll remember the sign.”
Cade glanced back at the bright yellow sign posted near the jump list. It warned in big black letters that Stupid Hurts.
His lips twisted. Stupid hurt, all right. Even knowing better, he’d let Jordan trample his heart.
“Well, anyway,” the rookie continued. “I owe you, man. Big-time.”
“Just buy me a drink next time you’re back this way.”
“It’s a deal.” The rookie grinned, his smile wide in his cleanly shaved face, and Cade noticed how young he looked, hardly over twenty.
Which made him suddenly feel old.
Just then the siren blared, ending their conversation, and they both turned toward the operations desk. Cade felt the familiar surge of adrenaline, followed by a swift jab of disappointment. His name wasn’t on that list.
The siren faded, and the operations foreman grabbed the mike. “We have a twelve-person jump request to the Bob Marshall Wilderness,” he announced. He turned to the jump list on the wall beside him. “Jumpers will be Susan Jennings, Jim Seibert, Rick Crossley…”
“Got to go!” The rookie darted to his locker, yanked out his Kevlar jump pants and rammed his legs inside.
The foreman finished reading the list, and people streamed into the ready room, instantly engulfing it in controlled commotion. Those not leaving began helping the jumpers suit up. Others snapped on parachutes and handed off gear. Everyone worked as a team to get the jumpers on the plane and off to the fire with lightning speed.