I'm leaving this note with Dani because I know she'll deliver it to you. Please, don't try to follow up, don't try to figure out where I went. Let's just chop it off clean here before I ruin your life. If fate should bring us together again . . . I don't know. I just know one thing.
I will always love you, Troy. Please believe that.
Whitney
I read the letter twice, not believing the words, and I drop to my knees, the paper tumbling from my numb fingers. "But . . . why?"
Dani shakes her head, and now both of us are crying, sobbing in a heap in the middle of the SLHS logo painted on the grass. "She handed it to me before the game, right after she talked to you," Dani sobs, holding my head to hers. "She gave me a copy, and told me that she was leaving right then. I tried to get her to stay, but she shook her head. 'I don't need to see the game,' she said. 'Troy's going to win, I know it.' And then she was gone."
"How long?" I ask, desperation in my heart. "How long?"
"Troy . . . it's been three hours," Dani says, sobbing again. "I kept hoping she'd come back, that it was all some joke or something, but . . . she's gone."
I stood there, in a state of shock for a minute.
“NO!" I yell, pushing Dani away and getting to my feet. Leaving my helmet behind, I sprint to the locker room, ripping my shoulder pads off to get my wallet and keys. Fuck the pants and cleats. There has to be a chance. I drive like a madman, running a red light to get to Whitney's house. Screeching to a halt outside, I run up to the door and begin pounding on the door. "Whitney! Whitney! Open the door! Tell me it was a prank!"
The door opens, and Ms. Nelson stands there, ice cold and uninviting. "She left on the bus an hour ago, Troy. She's not coming back."
"Please, Ms. Nelson. I need to talk to her again—tell me where she went. Tell me how to get in contact with her."
Ms. Nelson shakes her head, still cold. "I promised her I wouldn't. Goodbye, Troy. Please leave before you cause any further hurt.”
She closes the door in my face, and I step back, dropping to my knees in the grass again and sobbing. I won my dream and lost my heart, all in the same night.
Chapter 11
Whitney
November 27
Dear Dani,
Thank you for your email. I'm sorry to hear that Silver Lake lost in the semi-finals. I know that it was something the whole school was fired up for. Thank you also for not telling me specifically about what Troy did. That wound is still too painful for me.
Most of all, though, thank you for keeping your questions about my leaving to yourself. I’m sure you have your suspicions—you're too smart not to—but let's just leave it at that, okay?
Life here in Europe is, well, different. I'm staying with a couple of family friends who are in the military, and no, I won't say where. No offense, Dani, but you've got a big heart, and even though you promised, I also know that if Troy is still heartbroken enough about it, you'd tell him where I am. It's enough of a danger just sending you this email.
There I go, saying I'm not going to talk about Troy, but doing it anyway. Fine. Yes, I'm still crying myself to sleep about half the time. I dream about him a lot, and no, it's not the hot dreams either. They're the sweet kind, like when the two of us went down to the River not to do what I'm sure you thought we were going to do, but instead, he taught me how to fish. Or the time he explained football to me so that I could follow the action on the field better.
Maybe some day in the future, I'll be able to get through an email without crying. I don't know.
All my love,
Whitney
PS- Thank you for telling me that you rescued the letter. It hurts to know he kept it, but thank you anyway. And also, Happy Thanksgiving.
W
December 25
Dear Dani,
Merry Christmas! Okay, okay, yes, the cat's out of the bag with that last photo I sent you, not that you didn't figure it out already. I'm about three and a half or so months along now, and I'm starting to swell. Not so much that I'm going to look like a blimp, but I'm bigger. I couldn't have hidden it from you for long anyway.
I looked over the photos of the Winter Formal, just like you asked. So you and Pete are still together, huh? I'm glad for that. Like I said, he's a sweet guy, but you know that by now. And no, that doesn’t mean that you can give me details on what you guys do when you're alone, thank you very much!
It hurt, of course, seeing Troy at the formal. He looked so lonely, going stag. I know there had to have been at least a hundred girls who wanted to have him take them, but still . . .
Anyway, it was nice that you said you danced with him. I know six months ago, you'd have rocked his world, but I guess childhood's over for all of us, kind of. That makes me kind of sad, but maybe just because I feel like for me, childhood ended just when I was making some of the best memories. Don't ever think that the silly little things that everyone's doing aren’t important. It's all important, and I wish I could still be there with you all . . . and him.
I'm getting along well here, learning the local language. The friends I'm with have already gotten me placed under their military health care, so I'm getting excellent care here. I'm keeping up in school, and who knows? I may be in college before you at this rate. The Europeans have really awesome university systems, if worse comes to worse.
Take care over the rest of winter, and know that I love you.
Whitney
March 12
Dear Dani,
So you've decided that you're going to go to State, huh? That's awesome! I know they've gotta have something that'll pique your interest, and let's face it, you're going to raise some hell there too, I just know it.
Yes, you guessed right, I'm in Italy. I guess the picture of me in front of the Colosseum was too much of a hint, huh? I'm not upset that you figured it out. I wanted to let you know, and you're my best friend. I realize I can trust you. No matter what happens, Dani, I want us to be friends.
The guy? That's Lorenzo. He works on the base, and his parents are friends with the people I'm staying with. He's teaching me Italian, and before you ask, no, he's not teaching me any French techniques! Actually, most of the time, he ends up escorting my rapidly swelling ass around to the various sites and art galleries. I think I'm going to go into the art business, actually, once the baby comes. It's so beautiful, and it moves me in ways that very few other things have.
So Troy’s hitting the weights hard, huh? I guess his telling me that he's going to leave behind playing QB to go for linebacker in college is true. I hope it turns out well for him. I wish I could see it, honestly.
I suppose you know why I left, and I suppose you probably don't agree with it. But thank you for not saying it. I know it's trite, and I know that we're in a world where a woman, even an eighteen-year-old with her GED, can make something of herself. It's not like in my mother's day.
Still, I know Troy, and that's why I stay in Italy. Dani, I told my Mom, and I'll tell you now. If Troy knows that I'm pregnant, that he's a father, he won't ever be able to reach the pros. He won't be able to reach the potential he has. I'm sure of it.
I'll keep you up to date, and I hope to hear from you soon. Of course, we can set up a Skype call some time. I'd love to do that. Just make sure you have privacy when we do.
All my love,
Whitney
May 29
Dear Dani,
You'll find attached the first photos of Laurie Patricia Nelson. She was born yesterday at 3:53 PM, weighing eight pounds, two ounces. Isn't she beautiful? She's in perfect health, and that’s all I could ask for.
It both hurts and helps for me that Laurie looks so much like her father. Lorenzo's a bit jealous, but he says he can get over it. He already says he loves her, but—and hold your horses—he says he loves me, too.
I'm not saying I love him, and I've told him as much—I’m not ready, and I don’t know when I will be. But you said it yourself, graduation has already come and gone. H
ell, you and Pete broke up, although I understand why with him joining the Navy and you going to State. At least that one was mutual and with as little rancor, I guess, as you can get when a couple breaks up after dating for as long as you two did.
But Lorenzo's a good guy. He's a little older than me at twenty-one, but I swear, that has nothing to do with it. It's just that, holding Laurie yesterday, the nurse going off in Italian, I realized something.
I never told you this before, and Mom and I only discussed it once, but I was seriously considering giving Laurie up for adoption after she was born. I mean, I'm sure a couple of times you wondered why I didn't terminate, and well, that option went through my mind too. But I just don't believe in it. So I thought, at least back in October, that I'd give the baby up. Then, who knew? Maybe I could come back and go to State, and when Troy comes back for summer break . . .
I've got to stop torturing myself like this. I saw Laurie's tiny little face yesterday, and the way she tugged on my finger and her tiny, tiny little blue eyes stared at me, like she knew that she didn't have a father and that it was just me and her in this world, and I knew I would’ve regretted that decision for the rest of my life if I did it.
Because of that, I think my stay over here in Europe might take a little longer than I thought. Lorenzo's already said that he's willing to help out with the baby, and like I said, the Europeans have such a different system for university. Even as an American, I can go for super-cheap, and there are so many ways to make sure that I can go while Laurie gets what she needs. If Mom can do it, so can I, right?
I don't know if you'll really understand me with this. I just know it's what I have to do. I have to make my heart go on—I can't stay on the sidelines wearing that number 12 jersey forever, you know? I . . . I just can't.
I love you, Dani. For all that you've done, for all the support you've given me. I was never granted a sister, but if I had my choice, I'd pick you. Tell me about your summer vacation plans and how you're getting ready for life at State. I'm looking forward to it.
Love Always,
Whitney
May 25 - Four years later
Dear Dani,
Wow, has it really been that long since I last wrote you an email? I know we chat on instant messenger, but sometimes a good old email is good to make sure you get out all your thoughts.
I can't believe you and Pete got back together. That's awesome! I loved the pictures you sent of your engagement party. He certainly doesn’t look at all like the squat brickhouse he was back in high school! The Navy was good for him, but more importantly, you two look so happy together. It's going to be strange, though, thinking of you as Danielle Barkovich instead of Dani Vaughn.
Strike that, I left some stuff out. Danielle Barkovich, MS, going for her PhD in psychology! How'd you turn into such a bookworm, huh? Personally, I think you took all those Harley Quinn jokes that we made for you back in high school too seriously. You didn't have to go into psychology because of that, you know. Now, if you tell me that you've started thinking about a guy named Mr. J, then I'm so going to freak out.
I'm glad to hear that your little brother is also getting along well in college. Still, choosing to go to university in Alaska, of all places? What was he thinking? I saw your last family photo you sent along, and he has grown up handsome, especially since he dropped that eyeliner stuff that he was going through. He's got your hair, obviously, and kinda reminds me a little of that old English rocker, Sting. The music I get exposed to in Europe gives me different perspectives. But yeah, losing the eyeliner is a big step up for him.
Yep, that was Laurie with me in the last photo I sent. Isn't it amazing how fast she's grown? Her Italian almost outstrips mine now, and I can keep up with the crap they put on TV without a problem! Give the Italians all the credit in the world for cuisine, music, culture . . . but damn, their TV sucks! Thank God for Netflix and YouTube!
Yeah, you overheard Laurie right when we Skyped. Lorenzo and I, we're kind of broken up now. We tried, Dani, we really tried to make it work. I can't fault him for that. He’s a good man, but after all that time, even he could see that, despite our best efforts, there was a place in my heart that he was never going to get to. I don't need to be a psych expert like you to know why.
Yes, I keep up with him on the Net. Second round draft pick to Seattle. I'm surprised he didn't try to get a trade, considering his bad feelings for Silver Lake Falls. Then when you told me he actually bought a house in town, that old one that he and his father used to live in . . . amazing. And he's a teetotaler, which I can totally understand. He had a really good rookie year, got some quality games in, and I'm looking forward to seeing what he can do this year.
Well then, I guess I need to come out and say it. I need to know, Dani. For five years now, Troy Wood's been a ghost on my shoulder. He's been at every art gallery, every sale. Every time I closed a deal to send something to the States or bring it here from the States, I wondered if he'd have been proud of my hard work. When Laurie took her first steps, or said her first word, the first person I wanted to tell wasn't Lorenzo, or Mom, or even you . . . it was him.
Lorenzo knows it, and he says he can live with it, if I have some closure. He's my business partner anyway, so it's not like it's that strange. So, we're going to do something totally crazy. I'm going to come back home, and bring Lorenzo and Laurie with me. Lorenzo is so in love with Laurie that I couldn't deny him the way I denied myself and Troy, and I need his support right now. We’re just friends and business partners, and he’s okay with that.
Dani, I need to know. I need to see him, at least one more time. I don't know if I can talk to him, and who knows? After five years, maybe he won't even recognize me. But I need to know. I need to see him up close, and if I can, look him in the eye. I need to know if I can move on from him.
I'll call you next week with our flight details. I'll probably stay at a hotel in Seattle, at least for a while, until I know how long I'm staying in town. Maybe Mom won't mind if we crash with her for a couple of days. We can get together then, for sure. I know I want you to meet Laurie.
I love you, Sis.
Whitney
Part II
Adulthood
Chapter 12
Troy
"Foxes! To me!
I don't care, I may not be a Silver Fox any more, and looking around at the assembled group, I don't recognize any faces, but there are a a few whose names I know, kids who are the little brothers and cousins of my Foxes. Still, it feels great to call out those words again, and as the fifty-odd players in junior high school and the high school gather around, I feel like I'm the one who should be paying for the experience, and not them. Not that I'm making any money off this. The camp fee is for their t-shirts, and any overage goes to the booster club.
It's the feeling of being home again that helps, and yes, taking the two days out of my own training camp in order to do what the team thinks is a purely PR event for a little bit of rest and recovery physically as well. For someone on the line of being cut, something like this could be dangerous, since it’s the last weekend before the first pre-season game, but I'm sure of a slot on the fifty-three-man roster, so I'm happy with things.
"All right, Foxes, good work these past two days. First, I'd like to thank Coach Jackson and the rest of the SLHS staff for letting me come in and work with you guys."
There's a round of polite applause, but I don't expect much more. I run through the rest of my little wrap-up talk, then dismiss the camp, turning it over to Coach Jackson. Walking away, I feel a presence behind me, and I turn to see one of the campers, an intense kid who made an impression as much for his seriousness as he did for the fact that he's totally undersized for his position.
"Excuse me, Mr. Wood?"
I shake my head and smile, chuckling. "Nobody calls me Mr. Wood. Call me Troy—didn't I tell you guys that yesterday?"
"Sorry," the kid says, and I remember the kid's name now. Charlie, Charlie Pride. "I just
had a question. Do you have a minute?"
"Sure. What's on your mind?"
"Well," Charlie says, and I can read his mind as he's thinking. He knows the truth, that at five eleven and one ninety, even if he's bulking, Charlie's football career is going to end at Silver Lake High unless he goes on a massive growth spurt sometime during his senior year. He's too short and too small to play offensive or defensive line like he camped for, and he's just a step too slow to play linebacker or defensive back. He might have an outside shot at making a minor school or maybe someone's scout team, but he knows the grim reality—the last ten to twelve games of his playing career are coming up fast.
"Well, I was kind of wondering . . . what's it like with your teammates and such in the pros?"
It's not a question I expect, and I nod my head, needing a moment to form my answer. "It's a lot different," I say, thinking. "First of all, the whole facility is a lot nicer than here, of course. I mean, we've got carpet and everything. But I don't think that's what you're talking about, is it?"
"No," Charlie says, and I'm reminded of some of my former teammates, the ones that I overlooked for too long. Guys like Pete Barkovich, who I found out is getting married to Dani Vaughn when she called me up and invited me to the wedding. "But what's it like between the teammates?"
"Each team's different, or so I've heard," I answer. "Sure, there's a bond, but it's not the same as what you've got here. Some of those guys, the long-term guys, have been with the team for ten years, and we've got one dude who's been with the team for twelve. He started with the team when you were in preschool, and that means he's formed deep bonds with some of those other long-term players. But also, it means that he's seen hundreds of young guys like me come and go. Players get cut, players get traded, players retire. It's strange that in the pros, you could be buddies with a guy one year, and then the very next season, you're lining up across the line from him at the Super Bowl. So there's that. And of course, the money."
Fourth Down Baby: A May-December Romance Page 29