by Jerry Cole
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not jealous of him,” Taylor said. “I mean, maybe I am, a little. But you should see the guy, Elliot. Even someone as self-assured as you would be jealous of him. Honestly, the way that he moves. The way he --”
“Yes, I get it, thank you,” Elliot replied, laughing. “So, if you see him again, will that seal the deal for you?”
“Seal the deal how?”
“Will that be how you decide whether it is a crush or you’re just, I don’t know, being a huge baby about your arm and projecting or trying to fix it with something that you do have access to?”
“I have access to him?”
“Well, you have more access to him than you to immediately recovering all the feeling in your arm and the ability to play football as well as you did, sure,” Elliot said. “And it must make it more real that he’s a guy instead of a woman. Like that’s something to achieve, right?”
“What? No,” Taylor said. “It’s not like that. He’s not a project or anything.”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, no, but I really don’t think so,” Taylor said, shaking his head and feeling horrified. Was Jason a project? Was he just someone that Taylor wanted to seduce so he could feel good about himself? No, Taylor wasn’t like that. Taylor tried hard to be a good person, someone that his father would be proud of. But sometimes he failed, and if Elliot’s assessment of the situation was right, then he had definitely fallen short. “I mean, do you think I would do something like that? You obviously do, otherwise you wouldn’t bring it up—”
“If it makes you feel any better, it’s not really something that I think you’d do on purpose. And you’re feeling vulnerable right now, so it makes sense that you would latch onto something that makes you feel good about yourself.”
Taylor shook his head vigorously. “No, how does this make me feel good about myself, though? I don’t understand.”
“Well, of course you don’t understand,” Elliot said. “It’s not something you’re doing consciously.”
Taylor looked at Elliot. “I kind of feel like you’re bullshitting me.”
“I mean, that’s fair,” Elliot said, quickly. “As your friend, I can only make educated guesses. You’re the only person in the world who can decide if these educated guesses are on the mark or not.”
“They’re -- I don’t think so,” Taylor said. “I don’t think I would do something like that to him.”
“But why not? I mean, you barely know the guy, right?”
“That’s true,” Taylor replied, nodding. “I can’t argue with that.”
“And you seem to have these really deep, complicated feelings for him. For someone that you admit you barely know, right?”
“Well, I don’t know if the feelings are deep so much as just complicated,” Taylor replied. “Though, yes, I will admit that they are deeper than I would have expected them to be at this point.”
Elliot nodded, taking a sip of the beer he was holding. “So that’s the thing, right?”
“No? I’m sorry,” Taylor said. “I don’t feel very smart right now, but I’m not really getting what you’re trying to say.”
“Well, if these feelings are so deep for someone who is basically a stranger, then the feelings have to be about you,” Elliot replied. “By default, they cannot be about anything else.”
“Why?”
“Well, think about it. You don’t know him.”
“Right,” Taylor replied.
“And you have feelings for him. But you don’t know anything about him. Which parts of him can you have feelings for? Like, can you point to the place, a part of his personality or physique, where you can be like ‘okay, yeah, this is what I like about him. This is what speaks to me about this person’.”
Taylor looked at the TV for a few second, trying to analyze Elliot’s words. He didn’t think that anything like love at first sight existed, or at least he didn’t think that previously. But he also hadn’t thought that he was attracted to men and he had been wrong about that. Very wrong, as the last few days had proven.
“You know,” Elliot said. “If this is just like a sexuality thing, I can help.”
Taylor looked at him, cocking his head. “What?”
“Like, if you’re just trying to prove to yourself that you’re straight, I don’t mind volunteering.”
Taylor looked at him for a few seconds, trying to decide how serious he was. If he was joking, there was no indication of it. “You’re saying that --”
“I’m just saying,” Elliot said. Taylor knew that Elliot had turned away from him for a reason, but even just seeing his profile, he could tell that he was blushing. “If you wanted to.”
“No,” he heard himself say. Far too quickly. Elliot closed his eyes tightly, then opened then and started to nod. “No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Taylor quickly said, as quickly as possible. “You’re just a really great friend and I don’t want to ruin anything between us.”
“But it wouldn’t ruin --”
“I’m just -- I don’t know if I’m interested in men, and I don’t know if I want to find out,” Taylor replied, as sincerely as he could. All while he tried to spare Elliot’s feelings. “I just want to find out if I’m as interested in Jason the way that I feel like I am. Or like I may be, at least. I don’t know. That’s why I need to find out.”
You’re sure that this isn’t about you?”
“No,” Taylor replied. “That’s what I’m saying. It probably is about me, but I need to find that out with Jason. Not with anyone else. You get that, right?”
“Yeah, I get that,” Elliot said. They were quiet for a few uncomfortable seconds before Elliot had the decency to stretch. “Anyway, I think I’m going to hit the hay. I’m exhausted.”
“Sleep well,” Taylor replied. “Thank you for the talk.”
“Yeah, no problem, dude,” Elliot said, standing up and walking toward his bedroom. When he spoke again, he had his back to Taylor. “Any time.”
Chapter Eleven
As soon as Jason pulled into the parking space in front of his house, he started to panic. He hadn’t thought this through. He would need to go in and clean everything up by himself and he would be faced with the evidence that Blaine had tried to take his own life in Jason’s living room, all while he pretended that things had changed for him. Jason wasn’t sure that he could deal with that. He wasn’t sure that he could deal with any of it, not the dirty carpet and the empty bottle or the smell of vomit.
He tried to steady his breathing as he thought of who he could call.
He was about to call his friend Michael, from work, when his phone rang. It wasn’t a number that he recognized and ordinarily, he would have just let it ring and go to voicemail, but his defenses were down and he wasn’t thinking properly.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” Taylor said. Jason leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes and feeling a little dizzy. He hadn’t meant to talk to Taylor until he had time to think things through, but then he had realized that he didn’t even have Taylor’s phone number and Taylor hadn’t even left it in his message. “Listen, I’m really sorry to be calling you again. I just wanted to apologize.”
“You wanted to apologize? What for?”
“Because,” Taylor said, taking a deep breath. “Something was obviously going on with you and I decided to make it about me by calling you and adding stress. And that’s not cool and I shouldn’t have done that. Anyway, I’ll see you in —”
“Wait,” Jason said. He didn’t want Taylor to hang up, although he didn’t really think an apology was necessary. “You don’t need to apologize. I liked hearing from you.”
“You — you did?”
“Yeah,” Jason replied, smiling. “Honestly, it was pretty nice, considering how bad the rest of my day was.”
Taylor seemed to take a second to consider this. In that time, Jason managed to wonder if he was coming on too strong, if he had said the
wrong thing already. If, in the short time since the conversation had started, he had managed to stop whatever sort of interest Taylor had in him in the first place. He was about to say something when Taylor spoke again.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” Jason said, laughing quietly. “I want to forget about it, to be honest with you. But I can’t.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Well, no,” Jason replied. “And that’s part of the problem. Like, I’m worried that if I were like — I don’t know, a normal person, then this would be affecting me more.”
Jason closed his eyes and reprimanded himself. He didn’t know this man and he didn’t understand why he was opening up to him so much. But he had asked, and he was the first person that had asked, and seemed to really want to hear it.
“Being normal is overrated,” Taylor said. “And you’re probably doing the best you can. Everyone processes things in a different way, so you should cut yourself some slack.”
“That seems like a very wise thing to say,” Jason replied. “And it’s advice I would definitely take, except I’m sitting outside my house, trying to gather the courage to go back inside and clean up the mess that’s just happened.”
“Do you need a hand?”
Taylor said it without thinking about it, no hesitation in his voice. Jason couldn’t help but smile at that. “I thought your arm was broken.”
“It was,” Taylor said. “Then I started going to this Salsex class and that seemed to be helping, but I only managed to go to one class.”
“I’m sorry,” Jason said, closing his eyes. “I didn’t mean to let you — or anyone — down.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that!” Taylor said. “Honestly, I was legitimately worried about you. That’s why I called you in the first place and ended up making such a fool out of myself. I really didn’t mean to add more stress to your life.”
“I told you,” Jason replied. “You didn’t. You made me smile on a really weird day.”
“That’s good,” Taylor said. “I’m glad to hear it. But you’re still stuck outside your house not able to go in, right?”
“Well, yes, but that’s not your problem.”
Taylor was quiet for a few seconds. “But it can be.”
“But that’s not —”
“Look, I’m sitting in my house, bored as fuck and wondering if I should call you, right? And then I do, and you pick up, and you need help. Do you believe in fate?”
Jason laughed quietly. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Neither do I,” Taylor replied. “But if something literally fell into my lap, I would take it.”
“Fine,” Jason said. “I guess you can come help. But my place is a mess and things are kind of up in the air for me right now. I don’t want you to think I’m a loser.”
“I won’t,” Taylor said. “I mean, I probably won’t. I can’t make any promises. But then I may think you’re a loser who has managed to walk into his house, so things will be looking up for you, right?”
Jason laughed again, his heart fluttering in his chest. “Right.”
“So text me your address?”
“Sure,” Jason said. “Alright. I live on a cul-de-sac, I’m the idiot sitting in my car and afraid to go into my house.”
“Gotcha,” Taylor replied. “I’ll call you if I get lost.”
Chapter Twelve
Taylor wasn’t sure what had come over him, but he had spent all night tossing and turning, thinking about what Elliot had told him. He didn’t like that he was questioning his friend’s intentions, but that was what he was doing. All night. Ever since he had gone to bed, and Taylor had been left looking at the TV, as the credits rolled, wondering what the fuck was happening.
The conversation had made nothing clear, except for the fact that Taylor needed to be honest with himself about Jason, and the only way he would do that was by being around him. He had gone back and forth, deciding on how to pursue him, whether he would wait for class, whether he would actually tell him anything.
But he had done nothing of the sort and instead, when he had been hanging around and after he had finished his homework, he had decided to call him. He had just wanted to apologize, but then something had happened. Jason had opened up to him and Taylor had seen the perfect opportunity to prove to himself. Well. whatever it was that he needed to prove to himself.
When Jason had begrudgingly accepted his help, Taylor thought he might actually jump. Then he had to tell himself to get a hold of himself because he had never felt that way about anyone, and certainly not about something as silly as telling them he would go over to their house just to help them get into it. Not literally, just emotionally.
That was all that Jason wanted. Taylor supposed that he didn’t mind providing the support he needed, but he wished that he had the courage to just ask him out. Or at least ask him to do something. Now he would have to do it in person and he didn’t know if he would have the guts.
As he pulled up to the small yellow house in the back of the street, he tried to spot Jason sitting in his car. It didn’t take too long, though the glare from the sun made it hard for Taylor to see that well. He was sitting back on the seat, his eyes closed and a worried expression on his face.
Taylor thought about going over there and knocking on the door, but deciding against it. He parked his car, taking a while, making sure that it wasn’t blocking anyone else’s way. He would have done that anyway, but he was trying to give Jason sometime to gather his thoughts.
He didn’t want it to be creepy, though, so he needed to achieve a tricky balance. Once he felt like enough time, but not too much, had passed, he got out of the car and walked toward Jason. It was a good thing that Jason looked up and saw him before he had to decide on whether he would knock on his car door or not, since indecision and Jason seemed to go hand in hand.
“I didn’t think you would come,” Jason said when he stepped out of the car.
“Hello to you too,” Taylor replied, smiling.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jason said, looking at the floor. “This is just a bit weird, isn’t it?”
Taylor nodded, slowly. “Well, I wouldn’t call it conventional. But then, what’s the fun in that?”
Jason smiled at him, his eyes sparkling. Taylor took a few steps so that he was standing closer to him, but even standing close to Jason took some thought. If he was anyone else, it would have been nothing. But he wasn’t, he was Jason and as such, Taylor had to over-analyze every action that he was about to take.
That he was almost ready to take.
“Thank you,” Jason quietly said. “Seriously. I kept sitting in the car and thinking I would be able to just go in if I waited five, ten more minutes and then I would just be able to walk inside. But I can’t. It keeps building up in my head to be this thing, like, maybe bigger than it was before. And now I can’t even go near the front door of my house.”
Taylor nodded. Jason still hadn’t told him what happened, but it had to be bad. Taylor figured that Jason would tell him about it when he was ready. If he was ready.
“Is yours the yellow one?”
“Yeah,” Jason replied, looking up at his house and then away from it.
“Do you want me to go in before you?”
Jason scoffed. “No,” he said. “Definitely not.”
“Then we’re going to have to do it together,” Taylor replied, looking at Jason. He noticed that Jason was wearing something that looked like pajamas, which surprised Taylor. He had only met Jason while he was at work as a Salsex instructor, and he had made sure to look good even then. Whatever had driven him out of the house so quickly had to be bad. And it wasn’t like Taylor could just ask him.
Jason nodded, licking his lips. “I don’t know if I can.”
“It’s okay,” Taylor said, leaning against Jason’s car. “I have time. I can wait until you’re ready.”
Jason nodded, then looked away. �
��But I’m really worried I’m never going to be ready.”
Taylor laughed. “Well, I don’t have that much time,” he said. “But I do have some. And I can always peer pressure you into going if you’re taking too much time. I mean, I did drive from the other side of town to come here and now you’re going to have to hang around me until you’re sick of me.”
Jason smiled at him again. “I don’t think you have enough time for that, either.”
Taylor smiled back. “I don’t know. I’m pretty boring.”
“I seriously doubt that,” Jason said. “And I kind of wish I hadn’t accepted your offer to come over and help me out. It’s a mess in there.”
“You haven’t told me what happened yet,” Taylor replied, kind of off-handedly. He didn’t want to hammer in the point, but he wasn’t sure what he could do if he didn’t know what had happened.
Jason nodded. “I know. I didn’t want to because I’m really embarrassed.”
“Why?”
“Because this is my fault,” Jason said. “And it’s a real mess in there. Like an absolute, ridiculous mess.”
“As long as you’re okay,” Taylor replied.
“I am,” Jason said. “I’m like, totally fine. And that’s part of the problem.”
Taylor looked at him, cocking his head. “That doesn’t really seem like it would be a problem.”
“It doesn’t, but it is.”
Taylor waited for him to say something else, do something else, but there was nothing. He couldn’t push because he didn’t know Jason that well and he didn’t want him to feel like Taylor wanted him to do something that he didn’t want to do. All Taylor wanted was for Jason to be okay — and for Jason to stop believing that being okay was a bad thing.
“Do you promise you won’t judge me?” Jason asked, clicking the key chain in his hand and locking his car.
Taylor smiled. “How about this? I promise I’ll try not to judge you. Can you live with that?”
“Sure,” Jason replied, shrugging. “Ugh, I guess I have to go in now.”
“Hey, don’t worry,” Taylor replied, putting his hand on Jason’s shoulder before he gave himself time to think about it. “I’m right behind you. Like every step of the way. Got it?”