“Just talk to me,” Cheryl says and reaches her hand out to me. I want to tell them all, but I know what they’ll say. I confessed everything to the shrinks at the hospital and they gave me a pill and said I was sick. I’m not sick. I’m heartbroken; there’s a difference.
I don’t need anyone else talking to me about Stockholm syndrome. I’m thinking clearly, and functioning just fine. But I miss him. It hurts me so much to not know if he’s okay.
It’s almost like it never happened. Like I imagined it.
One day I was taken, and two months later I’m dropped off at a hospital. They filed a report even though I told them not to. Doctor-patient confidentiality apparently doesn’t mean shit if my state of mind is unwell.
I didn’t tell the police anything. I don’t want to confide in anyone. I just want Kade back. I rub my chest where the pain is.
“I know they hurt you,” Cheryl says and her voice cracks. She just wants me to talk, I know that. But I can't.
“Please don’t.” I shake my head and stop her right in her tracks. Tears prick my eyes. “Don’t.” I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want her pity. I don’t want to know what they think happened to me. I know what they think, and I know what they’ll say if they ever found out the truth.
“Tell me to do something then. Please.” Cheryl’s voice is full of desperation. “I feel so guilty.” She takes in a ragged breath. “You have no idea. I love you so fucking much, and when you didn’t come home I knew something was wrong.”
Hot tears run down her cheeks. “I shouldn’t have let you go there alone.” She doesn’t bother to wipe them away. It was just to an interview. I don't blame her in the least.
I hug her, making the bed bounce slightly. I tighten my arms around her to show her how much I love her. “It’s not your fault. It’s okay.” She holds me back and doesn't let go as a violent sob is ripped from her throat.
“It’s not okay.” She pulls away from me and angrily wipes the tears. “You’re not okay.” I barely make out her words through the sobs.
She struggles to even her breathing. She’s right; I’m not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay. I’ve never hurt this much before.
I feel abandoned and alone. Even though I’m surrounded by friends who are here for me. I don’t want them though. I want Kade.
I take in a steadying breath and prepare to answer her, but a sturdy knock at my door stops me.
“Olivia?” My father’s voice is uncertain.
“Yes?” I answer hesitantly.
“There are police officers here to see you.” My blood turns to ice, and my body numbs.
I won’t talk. I don’t want to.
I look down at my body. I’m only in sweats and an old t-shirt. My pajamas basically. I’ve been wearing the same ones for two days now. They’re clean at least. I don’t have a bra on though.
“I’ll be down in a minute,” I answer loud enough for him to hear.
Cheryl’s composing herself and wiping her nose with her sleeve as I open the dresser drawer and pull out a bra. Then I open the drawer below it looking for a nicer looking shirt. I turn my back to her to change clothes as quick as I can.
“Are you okay?” Cheryl asks.
I turn, slipping the shirt down and stare at my best friend.
“Are you going to be in trouble? Is that why…?” She doesn’t finish, but she doesn’t have to.
“No,” I say and shake my head.
“What can I do to help?” Her wide eyes, glassy with tears, are pleading with me.
I hold my hand out to her. “I could use a friend.” She’s quick to take my hand and she doesn’t let go as I walk through the hall and down the stairs.
My heartbeat seems to slow with each step and finally I’m in my dining room where an officer in uniform is sitting with my parents at the table and another officer is standing behind him.
“Olivia Bell?” the officer asks.
I clear my dry throat and try to answer, but it’s so hard. It feels as though a lump is lodged in it, so I just nod instead.
“I’m Detective Dowers, and this is my partner, Detective Brown.”
“Hi,” I manage to squeak out.
“We have a few questions for you,” the man standing asks. Detective Dowers' nearly bald head reflects the light hanging above the table. His eyes are a soft hazel, but they seem kind.
I nod my head again and pull out a seat, sitting across from the other officer. He’s younger, but he looks tired with bags under his eyes.
His voice is deeper, too. “Do you know this man?” He sets a picture down on the table and everyone else in the room takes a look.
My heart stops beating. It’s Kade. He’s staring back at me. His power is reaching me through his picture.
Life seems to drain from me. I look into the officer’s eyes, but I don’t answer.
After a moment, he speaks. “We have reason to believe that he abducted you on September 16th.”
“Is this the man?” my mother asks as she grips my shoulders and tries to look me in the eyes. But I don’t move, I don’t react. I feel trapped. I don’t know how they found out, but I’m not saying a word. I refuse to say anything against him.
I won’t do it.
“Miss?” Everyone’s eyes are on me as I lick my dry lips and shake my head no.
“He admitted to kidnapping you.”
My eyes flash to Detective Dowers. My heart races, and my blood heats.
“I need to ask you some questions. And you need to answer them truthfully.” I slowly move my eyes to Detective Brown as he speaks.
“Olivia. Are you okay?” my mother asks.
“Olivia, you don’t need to answer anything,” Cheryl’s quick to add. She looks up at the officers and says, “She has the right to a lawyer.”
“We have no intention of pressing charges against Olivia. She’s the victim here.”
“What happened?” my father asks. And Detective Dowers looks more than ready to divulge information.
I don’t speak as the two officers rattle off the last two months of my life as though it’s a series of crimes. They have names and dates. They mention rape and sex slavery. All the while, my parents cry. Even my father.
I sit there numb, listening to it as everyone around me breaks down into hysterics. It’s odd to hear what they think of it. Some facts I know could have only come from Kade.
He abandoned me, and then admitted to everything. I wish he’d told me. I would have never let him do it. I feel so betrayed by him. I'm sick to my stomach.
“We need you to answer these questions. And you’re going to have to testify.”
“What if she doesn’t want to face him?!” Cheryl cries out with horror. She hasn’t let go of my hand.
“I won’t do it.” I speak for the first time.
The officers stare at me for a long time.
“We’re going to need you to speak to our psychologist.” I shake my head. That’s not happening either. No fucking way.
“If you refuse,” Dowers looks at Brown and sighs as if he’s burdened to tell me, “we will subpoena you. And if you fail to follow through with your obligations, charges will be pressed.”
“How dare you!” my mother hisses across the table.
“Get out of my house.” My father’s voice booms through the room. My body shakes, and tears leak from the corner of my eyes.
“I’m very sorry for what’s happened to you, but we won’t allow you to compromise this case. We will prosecute you to the full extent of the law if you fail to cooperate.”
That threat has echoed in my head every night for the past two weeks.
Each appointment, every interview.
And now as I get ready to testify against the man I love.
Olivia
“Miss Bell, I asked you a question.” The old man distracts me from my thoughts. He stares at me through his glasses, waiting for an answer that I don’t want to give him.
“I’ve
told you everything.” I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve answered every question they’ve thrown at me with complete honesty. Because Kade told me to.
The second I sat down, I’d planned to plead the fifth and not give them anything against him. But my eyes caught Kade’s, and he mouthed to me to tell the truth. I’ve looked at him every time before answering. And every time he’s given me an approving small smile and a nod.
“You’ve told us about many things, but you have not answered a simple question.” The lawyer faces the jury and then looks back to me. “Did this man, Kade Barrow, or Kade Maddox as you knew him, did he or did he not take you against your will on the night of the 16th?” His voice is sharp. He takes his glasses off and purses his lips as he waits for me to answer.
“You don’t understand--” I keep trying to explain it to them, but they aren’t listening. Knowing now what he did… he saved me. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He did what he thought was best. And he kept me safe.
“I understand this man held you captive, and that you are suffering because of it. This man is withholding information on a Gabriel Durand. He’s murdered his own partner in cold blood. He’s committed crime after crime, and you’ve testified to those facts.” His cold eyes bore into me as he asks, “Have you not?”
Tears prick my eyes and my heart squeezes with unbearable pain. I only did it because he told me to. Tears flow freely down my cheeks. I look back at Kade. He gives me a soft smile, and it breaks my heart. A sob is ripped from my throat.
“Yes,” I answer barely above a murmur.
The man looks between me and Kade with disgust.
“No further questions, your Honor.”
I grip onto the edge of my dress and hold my breath as I listen to the judge deliver his sentencing.
The hearing continues in a daze, as if it isn’t real.
“How do you find the defendant?” the judge asks.
The clerk looks straight ahead as he answers, “The jury finds the defendant guilty.”
My stomach sinks and churns with a sickness threatening to come up. The words sink in slowly, and my grip loosens. My lungs empty and refuse to fill.
The judge nods his head and addresses Kade. “Kade Barrow, although you engaged in activity you felt was required while you were acting on behalf of the police force, you’ve testified to several illegal activities that were in clear and direct violation of the law. You refused a direct order to abort, and therefore you will not be able to hide behind the guise of an officer of the law.”
My ears fill with white noise and my vision goes black. My hands and body chill with a numbness as the judge sentences Kade to fifty years in prison.
Soft murmurs fill the courtroom, but I’m silent, refusing to believe what’s happening.
“The jury is thanked and excused. Court is adjourned.”
The gavel slams down hard with a loud bang and people stand around me. They’re going to get up and do whatever it is that’s waiting for them.
I stare at the back of Kade’s head, waiting for him to look at me.
But he doesn’t. He stands and walks behind the bailiff. He never turns.
My throat closes and my face heats.
A door opens to the left of the judge’s bench for them to walk through.
I just need one look from him. Just one sign that I mean anything to him. I need to know it was real between us. That I’m not crazy.
But they walk through the door and it closes behind them without him ever looking back at me.
I collapse forward and cover my face with my hands. I don’t care that they can see me. I don’t care who hears me. I break down like I never have before. My heart is beyond broken, it’s shattered.
Kade
This isn’t the first time I’ve been given this offer.
I stare down at the sheet I’m about to sign. But I can’t even wrap my head around it. I can only think about her. It’s been ten days since the hearing, and every day I’m filled with regret.
I needed to do it for her though. I thought I was going away for fifty years. I couldn't let her even consider waiting for me. She would have, my sweet angel. I know she would have. And I don’t want that life for her. She deserves a man who will be there for her, someone to give her children and a life worth living.
With this deal, I can be that man for her. It’ll be a few years. But I can give her that, if she’ll wait for me. If she wants me.
“You aren’t promising millions of dollars this time though, so maybe it’s more believable,” I say without any humor in my voice as I tap the pen against the table.
“You’ll be heavily compensated for your enrollment in the program,” the man in the suit, Mr. Smith, says. A Mr. Thomas was the one who offered me and James the deal that got me into this shit.
“It’s three years overseas, or fifty years in jail.” Mr. Smith stands up from the table, straightening out his tie. “Your choice.”
I leave tomorrow. A plane’s going to take me to Nepal and then god knows where else. For the next three years of my life, I’ll be doing the government’s bidding. Making up for my past crimes.
“We’re here,” the taxi driver says. I’m quick to get out and pull out my wallet.
I pay the tab, giving him an extra ten in cash and turn to look at the building.
It’s her house.
I have one night of freedom. They gave me a single night, and I came straight here.
I never told her how I felt. I didn’t get a chance to explain anything. I shove my hand in my pocket and feel the note I wrote her.
It’s an apology for everything I’ve done.
A confession of how I feel about her.
And a promise to come back.
I walk slowly up the steps, my confidence slipping as I get closer. I don't know that she'll want me, but I have to tell her everything.
I hear her small voice as I come up to the front porch.
There’s a porch swing and a huge window behind it. The window's open, and the thin curtains don’t do anything to obstruct my view. I can see right inside. My eyes focus on her.
The beast that’s been pacing inside of me since the hearing settles when I see her, my angel. She has a way about her that does that to me. She tames and calms me.
She looks beautiful in simple grey sweats and a pale pink tank top. Her ankles are crossed as she sits at a dining room table. Her hair’s in a loose bun on top of her head.
She looks so relaxed and at home. She looks… normal. My heart speeds up as she turns to the window. I move out of sight as fast as I can, afraid she saw me. But she doesn’t say anything.
“It’s going to be alright, Olivia. We’re here to help you,” a woman’s voice says. That must be her mother.
Olivia clears her throat as I peek back inside. I finally get a look at her face. She’s so sad. She has bags under her eyes, and her lips are turned down. She’s not okay.
“You don’t understand,” she says quietly.
“Well, tell me then. Please.” Her mother’s voice cracks and she sniffles, picking up a napkin to wipe under her eyes. My heart shatters in my chest. I'm feeling like a million splinters are stabbing me in every direction. This is my fault.
“You don’t tell any of us anything.” Her father’s voice is hard.
“Harold, stop it,” her mother snaps. “She’ll tell us when she’s ready.”
Olivia’s quiet. She doesn’t respond. She sets her fork down and pushes the plate away.
“You need to eat, baby.” Her father’s voice is low and non-threatening.
They care about her. They’re trying to help her. They’re going to heal her when I can’t.
Heal her pain that I caused.
I close my eyes and clench my fists.
What the fuck am I even doing here? I did this to her.
I crumple the note in my pocket and lower my head. I watch my feet move as I walk through the yard and down the empty street. There aren’t any street
lights. It’s dark and lonely. It’s what I deserve.
She deserves so much more than me. She deserves the life she would’ve had without me.
It’s wrong of me to even ask for forgiveness.
I was in too deep. I refused to leave when I should have.
I'll do what I should have done from the beginning. I'll leave her alone. She's better off without me.
Olivia
Three years later…
I can’t stop smiling. I rock back and forth on my heels on the stage as the crowd claps and cheers. I hold my diploma tighter, feeling nearly unstoppable.
I have my degree in business and a dream job at a winery that I’ll hopefully be able to take over soon. I can’t believe how quickly life has changed for me.
I look out into the crowd, but no one’s there for me right now. My parents’ flight is delayed, and I haven’t talked to Cheryl since I moved all the way out to California. Well, not like we used to. In all honesty, none of them ever understood why I felt that way about Kade. They never will, and that’s okay.
“Are you ready?” Gwen squeals in my ear as we walk off the stage.
“Fuck yeah I am.” I smile back at her and start to feel the excitement of being free from school. I’ve buried myself in work since I’ve started this journey of recovery. Inwardly I roll my eyes.
My heart was broken. It was shattered. But I’m okay now. I still miss him though. I can’t help that. Some things stick with us forever, and Kade and our time together is something I’m choosing not to let go of. I know he’s gone. He never loved me like I loved him. If he did, he never told me. I still dream that he did. Sometimes I remember his touch and I question whether or not I'm exaggerating it.
“Are you actually going to try to score tonight?” Gwen grips my hand and pulls me through the crowd. As if by the time we get to the parking lot it’s not going to be packed. There are hundreds of cars out there, I don’t see the point in rushing just to sit in traffic, but whatever floats her boat I guess.
“One sec,” I say and pull back on her hand so I can slip off my heels. She scrunches her nose and I respond by sticking my tongue out.
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