Standing to my full height, I meet her watery eyes, and my heart sinks at the lingering uncertainty I glimpse behind those piercing greys. It’s in this moment that I vow to be the best thing in her life, because in the short months I’ve known her, that’s exactly what she’s become in mine.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” she hiccups, looking up at me.
Honestly, I don’t know what to say. I’m in shock here. All I know is that it doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is us moving forward together. Her and me.
“I understand, Trin. Don’t apologize. From what I gather, you’ve got a really good reason why you didn’t. I want to hear and know everything but I’ll be honest, I’m so fucked up right now that I think if you tell me everything that asshole did wrong to you, I might lose my shit.” I’m fighting for composure here. She tries to pull away. Like hell there will be any of that.
“No,” I say a little more harshly than I meant. “No, it has nothing to do with you. It’s me, and this need to protect you, to make you happy. I want to hunt down every fucker who’s ever done you wrong or looked at you with anything other than respect and I want to bring them a world of pain for making you doubt how amazing you are.”
“Hendrix.” She says my name like it’s a prayer. “You can’t be like that. You need to focus on the good. I’m starting to see that, finally. Today.” She gives me one of those fucking smiles that lights up her face. My favourite kind.
“I mean it, Trinity. You’re mine and I protect what’s mine, so fuckheads beware.”
“Oh, Lord, don’t tell me I’m going to have to keep you on a leash now?” she giggles, and it’s the best sound I’ve ever heard. Yeah, my girl is incredible.
Feeling needy, I ask again, “You gonna let me kiss you now, or what? ’Cause, truth: I’m dying to, and I think I’ve been a very patient man.” I tilt her chin up and she nods, giving me the silent permission I want like my next breath. “Is this why you didn’t kiss me last night? Did you think I’d freak out or some shit?”
“Yes,” she admits, barely audible. “I didn’t want to kiss you. Not without you knowing first. I didn’t want to take away your right to decide or change your mind about me. I’ve made that mistake before.”
“The fuck I would.” I rub my thumb along her bottom lip. “I’ve been dreaming of these lips, of kissing you, for months, Trin. I might not know everything yet, but I do know you can’t transmit HIV from kissing. Now give me those sweet lips of yours. I’m dying over here.” I move my face closer to hers, waiting and willing her to make the next move.
“You’re an incredible man, Hendrix. If we do this, I might never let you go,” she whispers.
“That’s exactly what I’m hoping, Fruitloop. Now shut up and kiss me.”
And she does. Wrapping her hands in my hair, she pulls me in and takes my lips against hers. She’s hesitant at first, but when my tongue seeks entrance, she obliges, and I swear my knees go weak. Letting out a moan, I pull her closer, and our tongues mingle in a perfect duet, a symphony of electricity that has my body humming in perfect harmony. My hands move, finding their way into her hair, while my tongue continues to explore her sweet mouth. Moaning, Trin picks up the pace, her tongue caressing mine as we explore one another for the first time. It feels like no kiss I’ve ever felt before.
Her lithe body begins to shudder as my hands grip her ass, pulling her towards me to feel my excitement. Pushing forward, she grinds down on my cock and it’s intense and hot as fuck. I know we need to slow down, but she feels too fucking good. Breaking the kiss, I move down, kissing from her jaw to her neck, opening her robe, loving the way she feels. Tilting her head back, she grants me the access I crave. I’m trying desperately to imprint myself on her. Moving my hand, I cup her heavy breast over her tank top, under her plush bathrobe. “Shit, baby, you feel so good. I want nothing more than to sink myself into you,” I kiss her mouth again, “but I know we need to stop. We’ll need to talk more first.”
“God, I know. I want you so bad. It’s been so hard not jumping you,” she laughs, and again, it’s like music to my ears.
Christ, this woman’s amazing. “How about you give me a few more kisses and let me grope you for a bit longer, then I’ll be a good boy and listen?”
“You’re impossible,” she says, giving me her favourite line.
“Yeah, and you love it.” I kiss her lips, swallowing her cheeky reply. Rather than giving me more grief, she pulls me back in and kisses the shit out of me.
Fuck me, this girl is perfect.
No matter if she—or any anyone else—thinks otherwise.
33
Trinity
After our game and those amazing kisses, I made us a pot of tea (another cup of coffee was the last thing my nerves needed). We spent some time on my couch, me sitting between Hendrix’s legs resting my head on his chest, while he rubbed my neck and shoulders and encouraged me with his attentive words, soft prompting and kindness.
Despite coming off as gruff and intimidating sometimes, Hendrix is actually a very sweet ogre, and a lot more sensitive than I would have ever imagined. I told him about when I was first diagnosed, about Blake and how he was my first—and the only person I’d ever had unprotected sex with. I shared about the Facebook message I’d sent to Blake, and the reply I’d never been able to bring myself to look at beyond the first sentence. He offered to read it with me if I ever I wanted to, which made me cry again.
He told me about his father passing away, and I told him about my parents kicking me out of the house, about Andrea, The AIDS Network and how Dex and Til stepped in as my family. Hendrix was incredible, to say the least, so much so that I couldn’t help ask how he could be all right with everything I’d dumped on him?
“How are you taking this so well?” I ask now, rubbing small circles on the hand of his that I’d been holding. “I—I guess I expected some kind of freak out, some kind of fallout, Hendrix. You’ve taken this almost too well.”
“Trust me, I’m reeling. I’m processing it. But I guess I get it, I do. I can kind of relate,” he sighs, placing his palm on my neck the way I like. “I had a friend with a similar situation. Mind you, he should have known better, but at the time he was in a bad way. And he ended up paying the consequences,” he says, and I lean up, dropping his hand so I can face him, curious to hear more.
“Did he have HIV?” I ask.
“No. My buddy, Ren, we were real close after my dad died. I was in a dark place, drinking too much, smoking weed, hanging out with the wrong crowd. I was always at house parties getting into trouble. I met Ren at one of ’em and we hit it off, even though he was into some heavier shit than I was. Then, a year or so into our friendship, he got real sick. Eventually, he found out he’d contracted Hep C from sharing needles. He was like a brother to me. I learned quickly that him being sick, it didn’t change who he was, despite the label some people put on him. So many of the guys turned their backs on him. And it pissed me off. He was one of my closest friends when I’d needed him, and at this point he needed me, so there was no way I’d walk away. I lost a few friends because of my decision to stick around and support him, you know, because they judged him. But I decided fuck them, it was Ren. He was always making me laugh, helping out with my car…shit, he even let me crash at his place when I wasn’t seeing eye-to-eye with my mum. Him having Hep C didn’t change any of that. It didn’t stop him from living and, other than being a bit more cautious in certain situations, it wasn’t a big concern. It definitely forced his ass to wake up. Mine, too. Crazy as it seems now, that could have been me. Do you know how many times after my dad died that I thought about trying heroin, about just taking a little hit off a buddy’s needle to see if it would numb me? Way too many times. Luckily, for some reason I didn’t. Something always seemed to keep me away from those particular parties, or I’d get interrupted at those times when the temptation was at my fingertips. Maybe my dad was watchin’ me, who knows? Anyway, after all th
is stuff with Ren, I stopped doing drugs, drank a lot less, and decided to get my shit together. And Ren, he finally got himself clean, after admitting he had a heroin addiction. Eventually, he moved back home, Down East where his family was. We lost touch after he went, but while he was here getting himself sorted we were still good friends. Yeah, he was kind of a victim of the circumstances he created, but, hell, it could have just as easily been me, and the last thing he needed was me judging him. I like to think he’s doing okay. I’ve been tempted to try and find out, but then I chicken out, afraid of what I might hear. Maybe he didn’t get the liver transplant he was hoping for, ya know? Or maybe he relapsed? I don’t know. But I wanted nothing but good for him after he was good to me,” he huffs, rubbing his hands over his face, his emotions obviously going a little haywire. Our conversation hasn’t been easy.
“Thanks for sharing that with me. God, you’ve been through a lot. How have you managed to stay so sweet and not just be some jaded asshole?” I ask, moving to sit in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in close to me.
“I am a jaded asshole. Remember? I’m the ogre. Maybe it’s you taming me? You seem to have an effect on me, makin’ me want to open up and trust my instincts about you,” he shrugs. “I’m happy when we’re together.” I squeeze him tighter.
“Me too,” I smile, then say, “Maybe I can help you look him up one day, when you’re ready? You have a huge heart, Mr. Hills, and I’m blessed to call you mine.” I kiss his forehead.
“I’m going to make you love me. I’m determined. It’ll happen, Fruitloop.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s unavoidable, Mr. Hills,” I tell him honestly, and he rewards me with another one of those amazing kisses I’m coming to crave.
We spend the rest of the morning kissing, crying, holding each other, and talking about everything from my daily medication cocktail to how my life has changed since my diagnosis. It felt cathartic, almost surreal.
And the best part? By the end, this big sexy man was still here with me. And my hangover was gone. Being on antiretroviral (ARV) medication, I don’t usually allow myself to have more than two or three drinks when out. Last night was obviously an exception, one I make every now and then. But alcohol and drugs can weaken my already shaky immune system, so the last thing I want to do is something in excess that may affect my kidneys or liver, or cause me to skip doses of my ARV because I’m feeling too hungover.
Hendrix left a few hours later, both of us agreeing that we could use some alone time to process everything. Of course, it took him another forty minutes to actually leave, since he felt the need to ensure I was okay and that I knew that things between us were better than ever.
Three hours later, he texted saying he was hungry, that he missed me, and that I should get ready because he was coming to pick me up, that we were about to go on our first official date.
Things have only gotten better since then.
34
Hendrix
“Hey, Flynn. Trinity and I are going to cut out now,” I say, standing at the threshold of his office.
“Okay,” he says, looking down at his watch. “I’ll cover the front. We aren’t too busy today, we’ll be fine here without you.” Flynn shuffles through the piles of paper on his desk. “Now, where are my goddamn glasses? I swear you boys hide ’em just to fuck with me.”
“Maybe it’s time we get you one of those lanyard things to hold your glasses around your neck. Something with rhinestones? Seems this is a reoccurring issue, old man. Can’t keep blaming us.” I cross my arms and laugh as he flips me the bird.
“Some days I wish I could fire your ass,” he mutters.
“Naw, you like me too much.”
“Haven’t you left yet?” He shakes his head, continuing to mutter, while searching his desk. I don’t tell him that his reading glasses are perched on top of his head. I’m sure he’ll find them eventually.
Trinity and I are leaving early today to attend a meeting I’ve arranged for us. After our dinner Saturday night, we spent a long time discussing everything, including sex. Trin opened up about her reservations and fears, and I blame that son of a bitch she dated for making her feel that sex is now something to view as stressful, versus an act of passion or love. I’m determined to show her it’s abso-fuckin’-lutely nothing to stress about, particularly with me. My goal will always be to make her feel nothing but sexy, wanted, cherished and loved.
I was stunned when she admitted that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone in two years, and that she’d stopped dating altogether over a year ago. Honestly, though, hearing that she hasn’t had sex in over two years sends a bit of a thrill straight to my cock, knowing that I’ll be the one to reacquaint her, the one to help release her pent-up inner vixen, the one that’s been laying dormant for way too long. I know she’s in there; I’ve seen glimpses and cannot wait for more.
First things first, though. We need to get her mind to stop interfering with her body. Trin and I have been together every night since Saturday, and it’s getting harder to resist sinking into her sweet pussy. We literally make out like teenagers—tops off, bottoms on. And it’s fucking killing me. But I get it. She’s apprehensive despite my words and the many Google searches we’ve done together researching safe sex and HIV. Trinity is hesitant to move to the next level, although we both know we’re more than ready. There have been a few nights this week where dry humping to the point of orgasm wasn’t enough for either of us.
With that in mind, I made an executive decision, and today I’m taking Trin directly to the horse’s mouth, as they say. To an appointment that I hope helps her realize that we can have sex. Lots and lots of sex. Safely. That I will not get HIV from touching her the way we both crave desperately, as long as we take appropriate precautions.
I swear, you’d think she was the one uneducated about this stuff, stuff she knows probably better than most. I guess it’s not always easy to practice what you preach, which I do understand to some extent. It’s a huge burden to shoulder when you’ve been called awful names and lost relationships along the way. This is my way to ease the pressure, to hopefully allow her to confirm what she already knows deep down. I get that there are risks that we need to be aware of, but I want Trinity to realize it isn’t the big deal she’s made it in her head. At the end of the day, we’re both consenting adults who can make educated decisions that are best for each of us. I will do my best to get her to see that she’s my choice. It’s her, all the way, every way I can get her, and that includes getting her beneath me—and fucking soon. My Fruitloop has me sporting a huge case of the “blues”, if you know what I mean.
“Got ’em,” Flynn shouts, pulling his glasses off his head in triumph, bringing me back to the here and now. “Hendrix, you son of a bitch!”
“Christmas is next month. I’m totally adding that lanyard to your list, old man. I may even toss in a magnifying glass, ’cause we both know that even with them tied to your neck with a string, you’ll still lose ’em,” I jibe letting out a loud laugh.
“Alright, Chuckles. I’ve had enough of you. You two kids get outta here before I change my mind about you dating my girl.” He gives me his best cut eye. “Remember, son, you best be good to my niece.”
Rolling my eyes, I nod. “Trust me, I’m very good to her, and I promise to be even better,” I add at the perfect moment, feeling her slender arms snake around my waist from behind.
“Hendrix!” she scolds, reaching up and twisting my nipples through my shirt, which causes me to bark out a pained laugh.
“What?” I shrug. “It’s true. I have plans to take very good care of you for a very long time, woman. You need to get your mind out of the gutter. Such a pervy, pervy girl,” I laugh, looking behind me to where she’s resting her head on my back, her cheeks now rosy.
“Thought you two were leavin’? I’m suddenly feeling extremely nauseous with all this mushy shit,” Flynn bellows, before adding, “Shit, Til’s right. Maybe I am a mat
chmaker.” He shakes his head. “First Nadia fell for Brody when she worked here, now these two. I run a damn garage, not a fucking dating service. Young people just can’t seem to keep it in their pants…” he trails off.
“Ready, baby?” I turn and face Trinity.
“I guess. You haven’t told me where we’re going,” she pretends to pout, looking up at me as I kiss her nose. Too fucking cute. Flynn sticks his finger down his throat and pretends to gag.
“Let’s go and all will be revealed.”
I take her hand.
35
Hendrix
“Good afternoon, Hendrix. How are you?” Dr. Troy Millman greets us, a friendly smile on his goateed face as he enters the small exam room, my file clutched in his left hand.
“Hey, Doc. I’m good. How are you?” We shake hands, his blue eyes moving from me to Trin.
“I’m great,” he says, taking a seat on the rolling chair in front of us.
“This is Trinity, my girlfriend,” I introduce them, and love the way Trin’s eyes widen, acknowledging my claim in having said “girlfriend”.
“Nice to meet you. You know to watch out for this one, right? He’s a real pain. He’s been my patient for far too long,” he says, gesturing toward me and laughing. “In fact, I’m thinking of trying to find a new patient to replace him. Are you interested?” he asks her.
“Ha! Don’t I know it,” she agrees, rolling her eyes. “Thanks for your kind offer, but I haven’t completely worn out my current doctor.”
He chuckles, then gets down to business. “Grace said you wanted an appointment to discuss some pain you’ve been having in your side?” he asks, looking up from my folder before rolling over to his workstation.
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