She thumbed Tyra’s clit each time she pushed inside, and her confidence grew as Tyra’s control disintegrated. The sounds of sex filled her ears, overwhelming her senses until her mind went mercifully blank. There was no emotion, no fear, no doubt, nothing but the physical. Overcome by lust and greed, she reached for more, slipping her free hand between her own legs. The crash was inevitable, and they both rode every ounce of pleasure, refusing to separate until the last wave of aftershocks subsided.
Nic rolled over and stared at the ceiling without trying to temper her satisfied smile. She’d done something right. She’d given a woman everything she wanted, she’d done it well, and she’d claimed her own reward in the process. She now had one person in her life she hadn’t let down. A little part of her whispered that the person in question had only known her for two hours, but that’s all she planned to know her for. They’d go their separate ways, both sated, and the only memories they’d have of each other would be good ones.
“Damn,” Tyra said, rolling onto her side to face Nic.
“Yeah.”
“I gotta ask one thing, though.” She ran a fingernail down Nic’s chest. “How’s a woman like you still single?”
Her stomach tightened like someone had punched it, and she had to forcibly tamp down her sudden urge to run. The memories she’d held at bay washed over her now, clouding her visions and suffocating her airways.
“You’re good-looking, easy to talk to, and fantastic in bed. Why hasn’t some woman snatched you up?”
What could she say? Not the truth. Not that she was incapable of being faithful and she’d disappointed everyone who’d ever showed any faith in her. Not that her successes only existed on the surface. She couldn’t even speak at all, much less explain something like that.
Her thoughts spun back into the endless downward spiral she’d tried to escape tonight, only this time the darkness felt starker in contrast to the high she’d experienced minutes earlier. Like a junkie jonesing for another fix, her body and her brain screamed out in withdrawal.
“Hey,” Tyra said. When Nic didn’t respond, she shook her shoulder. “Nic, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.”
“What?” Nic fought to focus through the haze.
“I didn’t mean to pry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just not good.” Her voice sounded hollow in her own ears. She was probably scaring the crap out of Tyra. So much for not being a disappointment.
“Not true. I can say with absolute certainty that you’re very good.”
“Thanks.” Nic sat up and pushed her hands through her hair. Tyra was offering her an out. She had to pull herself together long enough to take it. Maybe she could still extract herself from the situation before she had a meltdown.
“No, I mean it. You were very good at making me be very bad.” Tyra kissed her shoulder, then lingered long enough to leave a little mark. Nic relished the sting of her impending hickey. She’d preferred physical pain over her emotional torment. The thought probably would’ve scared her if Tyra’s mouth wasn’t so damn hot.
She took a deep breath and let her head roll back as she exhaled. Tyra dragged her lips up her neck until she nipped at her earlobe. The press of a woman’s mouth against her skin stabilized the tremors in her clenched fists, and the darkness faded, burned away by the heat spreading through her. It felt intoxicating to be desired again.
Her breath grew shallow and quick. Tyra still wanted her. She hadn’t given her an answer to her question, honest or otherwise, and she apparently didn’t care.
An arm snaked around the front of her as long slender fingers worked their way south along the plane of her stomach. Tyra wanted something Nic could and would gladly give her. She could make the pain go away again, or at least override it. Of course the fix was temporary, like the liquor she’d consumed earlier, but unlike the drink, sex didn’t numb her senses. It set them on fire.
Acting on almost animal instinct, Nic turned on Tyra, not even seeing her now, but taking her nonetheless. She was a body, a vessel, a drug, or, more accurately, the syringe that delivered the drug she sought. She consumed what she craved again and again, until, as the sun rose, she quietly slipped away.
By the time she pulled out of the driveway, she’d already begun to count the hours until she could chase that high again.
*
Davis hadn’t grown accustomed to Annabelle’s beauty and was struck by it once again when she opened the door to her apartment. After a month in the city she’d begun to trade some of her skirts for more casual attire, but even in the olive-green capri pants and light-blue baby-doll T-shirt, she still managed to look glamorous enough to make Davis momentarily speechless.
“Hi, Davis,” Anna said, as though she was used to being stared at.
“I don’t want to barge in, but I got the pictures back from the printer and thought you’d like to see them.”
“Of course I do. Come in.” They’d hung out several times in the last two weeks but never without planning ahead, and always at Davis’s apartment or on neutral territory. She hadn’t wanted to crowd Anna’s personal space, but the last time they’d talked, she said she should stop by her place sometime. When Davis saw how perfectly the pictures had turned out, the moment seemed right. Now she wasn’t so sure. It somehow felt so personal, almost intimate to witness Anna in full domestic glory.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m just really impressed with your apartment.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, you moved just a few weeks ago, and already it’s looking like a home.”
Anna blushed at the compliment. “That’s sweet. I’ve still got a lot of finishing touches to add.”
“It’s already beautiful.”
Anna looked at her questioningly. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?”
“Of course not. Why? You don’t like it?”
“No, I do, but when Nic stopped by, she implied I could do better.”
Red flashed hot and disorienting behind her eyes at the thought of Nic in Anna’s apartment. “Nic was here? When? Why?” Anna took a step back, making Davis realize how accusatory she’d sounded. “I’m sorry. I’m surprised you still hang out with her.”
“I don’t hang out with her. She had to drop off the final paperwork for the sale of our house in Athens.”
“Hasn’t she heard of the postal service?” She didn’t mean to sound so bitchy, but how could Anna stand to be in the same room with Nic, much less have her in her home? She thought they were on the same page about Nic, but maybe not, and the questions rising in her now threatened to plunge her back into the awful thoughts of them together.
“We both wanted the sale finalized.”
“Are you sure she didn’t want to weasel her way into your life here?”
Annabelle gave the comment some thought. “She did offer to pay for a new place.”
Davis almost choked. How could Anna say something like that so casually? “She offered to buy you a house?”
“Not with the condition of me coming back,” Anna quickly said. “She said I deserved alimony after all our years together.”
Right, they’d been married. They’d shared a home and bank accounts. Women in that situation deserved to be cared for, and mistresses didn’t. “You do deserve it. I just couldn’t stand to ever see her again after the way things ended. I got the feeling you felt the same way.”
“I do. It killed me to see her and feel that hurt all over again. It took everything I had to stay calm when I wanted to cry or scream about how far we’d fallen. I’d love to pretend she never existed, but I don’t have that luxury. Thirteen years of life together doesn’t just go away,” Annabelle explained. “It’s been months of lawyers and realtors and so much paperwork, so you’ll have to forgive me for wanting it over badly enough to let her within a three-hundred-foot radius of me.”
Davis hung her head. She hadn’t meant to judge. It wasn’t Anna’s
fault Nic had left her with a house and financial ties she couldn’t simply escape. She had no idea what she’d do in her situation. She might’ve killed someone if she had to live with constant physical reminders of Nic to accompany her emotional ones. Perhaps that’s another reason Anna had been the wife and she’d been the dirty little secret. Maybe that’s all she was capable of. “Well, for what it’s worth, your apartment is nicer than mine, but your standards are probably higher than mine.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.” Anger seemed to fade to sadness. “The apartment isn’t what I’m used to, but not because of my standards as much as Nic’s. She picked out our old house. I never really cared for all those extra rooms.”
“She picked your house, your job, the kinds of food you ate. Did you get to pick your own clothes?”
Annabelle’s face flushed again. “You make her sound abusive. Nic never told me no. She never demanded anything from me. If anything, she gave me too much, more than I wanted.”
“But she didn’t let you make your own decisions.”
“It wasn’t a matter of letting me or giving permission. Her opinions were always so much stronger than mine, like she saw some bigger picture for us. I had everything a woman could ask for, or at least I thought I did. Why argue over things like sushi or an additional bedroom? Over time, her opinions became my opinions.” She sighed heavily. “Maybe that’s the root of the problem. If I’d challenged her more or had even challenged myself to be something more than her shadow, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Davis felt guilty for questioning Annabelle’s resolve and making her question herself in the process. Clearly this amazing woman was struggling to find herself. Who was Davis to criticize how she did so? “I can’t imagine having to relearn who you are after so much time. Do you feel any connection to who you were before Nic? Surely you had your own interests when you dated other people or lived on your own.”
“I’ve never had any other partners or lived on my own. I lived with my parents, then in a sorority house at college until I moved in with Nic. Before her I only dated men, or boys really, and never seriously.”
Davis didn’t know what to say. She knew Belle had never slept with anyone else, but how could a grown woman have lived under someone else’s care for every minute of her life? How did someone begin to learn such basic things about herself in her mid-thirties, especially after giving herself over to such a commanding personality for so long? Hell, how did she even know for sure she was gay? What if Nic’s magnetism had simply convinced her of that, too?
Davis felt for her. She really did, but she couldn’t relate to Anna’s conflict. She’d lived alone for so long she couldn’t imagine any other way, and she wondered if Anna could understand her life. Then again, why would Anna even want to learn Davis’s way of life? She didn’t have to. She had other options. People would want to take care of her the way Nic had. Sure, people like that didn’t offer freedom, but Anna hadn’t minded before. Why start now? She could go back to her parents. Cass had said they had money. Or she could become someone else’s trophy wife. Hell, she could go back to Nic. Her stomach twisted at the thought, but they’d been happy together once upon a time and clearly still had ties. If she was willing to talk to Nic now, maybe in a few months she’d consider forgiving her. Nic could return her to the life she felt comfortable with. She wouldn’t have to struggle to get by or learn a new way of living or worry about her biological clock. Anna had happily put her own emotions aside before. Why not do so again?
“Davis, please say something.”
“What?”
“Is it so awful to have been with only one person?”
She flashed back to Annabelle’s anguish about her inadequacies on their first day together. “No. God, no. I was just thinking how different our lives have been.”
“You probably don’t have a very high opinion of the choices I made.” Tears filled Anna’s eyes. “I understand how people see me.”
Davis looked at her again, seeing the insecurities and the fear, but also her potential, her beauty, her talent, her grace. No, Anna had no idea how she really saw her. Anna was so far above the life Davis had led, the life she chose for herself now. She could do better, and some day she would, but until then Davis refused to be one more judgmental voice telling her how to live.
“I see you as a very brave, strong, sweet woman who has so many amazing adventures in front of her.”
Anna’s smile shone so gloriously brilliant that Davis’s stomach flip-flopped. “I thought I’d make fried chicken for dinner. Do you want to join me?”
Davis grinned in spite of her misgivings about the differences between them. So what if Anna’s destiny led toward better things? She was here now, and for some reason that made Davis feel a little happier than she had in months.
Chapter Sixteen
November
Nic popped four Advil and washed them down with a big swig of her espresso-fortified coffee. She had to look alert for this meeting, even if she didn’t feel focused after another in a long line of all-nighters. She probably shouldn’t have gone out the night before an early meeting with her boss, but she didn’t get any sleep when she stayed home either. Insomnia had taken over her solitary nights, keeping her awake with vague fears and haunting whispers of her shortcomings. Lonely nights were dangerous nights, so she spent fewer and fewer of them in her apartment, instead opting for a quick stay in somebody else’s bed. Lately she’d found quite a lot of willing somebodies.
“Nic.” Joe Clarke startled her out of her stupor, and she jumped out of her seat. He looked her up and down, then shook his head as he turned to go. “Walk with me.”
“Yes, sir.” She followed him down the hallway and to a conference room.
“Were you aware we had a meeting this morning?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Were you aware that meeting was supposed to start five minutes ago?”
She glanced at her watch. Shit. “I’m sorry, sir. I was answering some e-mail, and I must have lost track of time.”
“You lose track of a lot of things lately.”
She didn’t deny the accusation. “It’s been a rough few months, but I think I’ve turned it back around.”
“I don’t think you have, and I’m beginning to think you might not ever get it back together.”
“I beg to differ.” She straightened her shoulders and turned to face him, but she was only going through the motions. She used to be able to summon all her fortitude for even the slightest challenge. Now facing the prospect of being fired by her mentor, she barely mustered fear, much less defiance. He no longer held the key to anything she craved.
“I’ve always liked you, Nic.” She fought the urge to roll her eyes. He had a funny way of showing it. “You’re a hell of a salesperson, and you’re better in a boardroom than any of the boys I handpicked. Businesswise, I thought you had what it took to go all the way, and I stand by that assessment, but I’m no longer sure about your personal mettle.”
Personal mettle? What the hell did that mean? Thankfully he was on a roll now, and maybe if she just kept her mouth shut, she could get out of this unscathed.
“I think losing that gal of yours hit you harder than either of us realized.”
A flash of pain at the mention of Belle finally sparked a genuine emotion in her. She found it strange the only thing she felt any urge to fight for was something she’d already lost. “My personal life is—”
“Your personal life affects my bottom line.” He cut her off, his tone hardening enough to make it clear this wasn’t a debate. “I’d hoped to promote you next month. I never thought I’d be faced with the prospect of firing you.”
“You’re firing me?” She tried to drum up some indignation but wasn’t sure she could. She felt only a mild panic about how she’d continue to pay for her nightly trips to the bar.
“No, I know you probably don’t believe me, but I meant what I said. I still think you’ve got what it takes,
but you need to get your ducks in a row, which is why you’re going to take some time to yourself.”
“Time to myself?” That’s not what she wanted at all. Time to herself meant time to think, to feel, to suffocate in her own failures. “I want to keep working.”
“You haven’t been working for months.” He shook his head. “Now you’re on a thirty-day leave. You’ve got one month to pull yourself together. Go to therapy, go home, go to the beach, I don’t care, but deal with whatever you need to deal with. You’ll be paid and you’ll keep your insurance, but you won’t have access to any of your work accounts or company e-mail until the leave is up.”
“Then what?”
“Then you come back motivated, clear-eyed, and sober.” He put an emphasis on the last word, and she lowered her head like a child who’d been caught in her daddy’s liquor cabinet. “When you’ve done that, I want you to bring me a plan, in writing, about how you’re going to get your business accounts back on track.”
She rubbed her face with both hands. She should be grateful. He’d fired others for a lot less. A paid leave was damn near unprecedented, and she didn’t deserve it. Perhaps he worried about the human-resources backlash for firing the only woman at her level, or maybe he was concerned about her. Either way, she couldn’t bring herself to give a damn, much less feel any gratitude. Honestly, the only thing she managed to feel concerned about was her lack of concern. Why didn’t anything bother her anymore? Had losing Belle, the only thing she’d every managed to care for more than herself, somehow voided her ability to find meaning in anything else?
“We all face challenges, Nic.” Joe’s voice shifted into what must have been his best attempt at pep-talk mode. “There’s no shame in getting knocked down. The shame comes in not doing what you have to do to get back up.”
“Yes, sir.” She didn’t want to hear anything else from him. He didn’t know anything about her shame. She reverted to her childhood skills in going along to get along. Arguing would only prolong this meeting.
Does She Love You? Page 23