“That’s not true.” Her rebuttal sounded as weak as her voice, but she didn’t know what else to say. She’d gone from feeling like everything was right for the first time in six months to a hopelessness she hadn’t experienced in almost as long.
“It is true.” Cass slid closer and offered a hug. “And I hate it, but you’ll never have a time when it’s just you and Anna. Nic will always be between you. Even when she’s not there, you’ll still feel her ghost, and you both deserve better.”
Davis rested her head on Cass’s shoulder. She didn’t know if she agreed with her assertion that they’d never be free of Nic, but she did agree that neither of them deserved that kind of a cloud hanging over them. “I don’t want to hurt her.”
“I know. I don’t think you would if you’d just keep things casual, but I also know you don’t do casual well, and I don’t think she does either, which is why it’s not a good idea for you to spend so much time together.”
“She’ll be here any minute. She left her family dinner to spend the evening with me. What should I do?”
“Just relax. Enjoy the evening for what it is, and then say good-bye.”
*
Annabelle laughed so hard throughout Bridesmaids her side hurt. The ache in her stomach more likely stemmed from the entire box of Whoppers she ate mixed with a bag of Fritos, another culinary creation Davis had introduced her to. “This is not my usual Thanksgiving fare.”
“And?” Davis asked. “How does it compare?”
“You can’t really compare the two. It’s Monet to Picasso.”
“One’s only coherent from afar, and the other doesn’t even offer the pretense of sanity?” Cass asked.
“Now that you mention it, yes.” She laughed. Cass was funny and smart with a wickedly dry wit, and the more she got used to her often-abrasive sarcasm, the more she found herself enjoying their time together. She’d never had many girlfriends, much less lesbian friends. The girls in her sorority had been so cliquey and focused on boys, and then she’d become a housewife and all the women she’d met were partners of Nic’s business associates. It was refreshing to be around intelligent, self-possessed women.
“You didn’t strike me as the raunchy-comedy type of woman,” Davis said.
“I wouldn’t have thought so either. I guess that’s something else to add to the list of things I’m still learning about myself, thanks to you.”
Davis smiled one of her brilliant smiles. Annabelle still remembered the first time she’d seen such an unguarded look of pleasure on her face. They’d been spending time together for a couple weeks when Annabelle had offered to teach her how to bake bread. Davis had battled the dough as though it were some mutant foe, but when the time had come to braid it, she’d easily and artfully threaded each strand through the others. After several minutes of teasing and prodding, she’d admitted she used to have long hair as a child and had braided it before bed each night. Without thinking, Anna had run her fingers up the short copper stubble at the back of Davis’s head, casually remarking that the utility cut suited her no-nonsense personality, but she imagined many a woman would kill to be shrouded in long, beautiful locks of red.
She’d been embarrassed when she’d realized how flirty the compliment had sounded, but Davis’s smile was bright and full, almost in the way a child smiles when complimented, albeit tempered by a grown woman’s understanding. Anna’d found herself wondering many times since then if Davis really knew the extent of her own beauty, especially when she didn’t know or care that someone else was watching. She suspected other women told her she was sexy or alluring, and those things were true, but she wondered if any of them ever made Davis feel beautiful. Then again, she also got the sense Davis didn’t let just anyone see her smile in that unreserved way. The thought only made her feel luckier every time she had one of those smiles directed at her.
“Well, the ‘continuing education’ aspect of our friendship goes both ways, you know? Thanks to your prompting, I sat down and talked to my nieces and nephews today, only to find out I’m the cool aunt.”
“Of course you are.”
“You say that with such certainty, but it shocked me,” Davis said. “I thought they considered me a spinster they worried about supporting in her old age.”
“I doubt anyone worries about you not being able to take care of yourself.”
“I think my parents do,” Davis admitted. “They’re obviously still perplexed about my choice to live alone in the city when I could work from anywhere, but this time I also felt like maybe they’re a little proud, too.”
“How could they not be impressed with the way you’ve carved your own path?” Annabelle was certainly impressed with the life Davis lived. The people who loved her had to at least admire her determination.
“The kids are. They didn’t question me about my sudden appearance in their life.” She shook her head like she found that a little unbelievable. “They didn’t treat me with suspicion or hold me at arm’s length. They hugged me and asked a bunch of questions about life in the city. I think they may envision it as more glamorous than it is in reality, but I like them believing I’m some sort of rock star.”
“You kind of are, compared to their parents.”
Davis laughed. “Right, which is why they all want to come visit without their parents. They have a city bucket list full of items like concerts and sporting events and riding the metro.”
“Fun,” Annabelle said, immediately beginning to plan group outings in her mind. “Maybe we could find them some bikes to ride with us in the park.”
“I’d love to. We could look for some next time we’re out.”
Cass stood suddenly. “I hate to cut this short, but I think I better call it a night.”
“What? Why?” Davis asked. “It’s only nine o’clock. We’ve got two more movies.”
“I have a full morning of showings tomorrow. You know how it is. When normal humans get a day off, I have to work twice as hard.”
Davis seemed skeptical, which in turn made Anna suspicious of the otherwise benign explanation. Cass had been uncharacteristically quiet for the last few minutes. Now, she looked like a woman with a purpose as she gathered her things and hugged Davis. She seemed like she might hug Anna, too, then caught herself, saying, “I’m glad you’re doing well in your bold new world.”
The comment struck her as oddly formal and yet oddly sentimental all at once, catching her off guard and leaving her to reply with a simple, “Thank you.”
“Call me tomorrow?” Davis asked.
“No, you call me later tonight,” Cass said, rather pointedly.
Davis nodded seriously as she closed the door.
“We didn’t run her off, did we?”
“Who knows with Cass?” Davis said flippantly, but Anna got the feeling she did know. She would’ve pushed harder, but Davis had never lied to her. If there was something she wasn’t saying now, she needed time to think it over herself. Davis didn’t rush to judgment, almost as if she didn’t trust herself to make decisions based on intuition, but with time she always came around.
“What are you thinking about?”
“You,” she answered honestly. While Davis was deliberate, Anna felt freer in her company than anywhere else and rarely held back anymore.
“What about me?”
“I’m getting to know your patterns, the way you process information. I don’t mind when you get silent or pensive. I don’t rush to please you or make up for your down moments. You’ll talk when you’re ready.”
“And I know you’ll listen when that time comes.” Davis sat on the couch, curling one leg underneath her. “I’m comfortable with you. I never had that with Nic.”
“I like how you don’t dance around her memory. I spent over twenty-four hours with my parents, and they never once said her name. They acted like she never existed, which only made me feel crazy, because they all look at me with pity, but none of us can mention why.”
“Cass thinks we’ll nev
er be free of Nic.”
Annabelle sighed. “Liz all but said the same thing, and I get why they think that, but honestly, the only time I truly feel like I’m moving on is when I’m with you.”
Davis readjusted herself on the couch as if she’d wanted to jump up but forced herself to stay put. “Really?”
“Yes. Don’t get me wrong. I like my job, and I’m doing fine living on my own, but that’s just getting by. When we’re together, I actually enjoy myself. With you I like who I am, or at least who I’m becoming.” Annabelle hoped she sounded calm even as her body temperature rose. “You’re the only person who knows everything about Nic but doesn’t treat me like I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken. You’re amazing. You’re inspiring.” Davis sighed. “Which of course is why Cass is right. You deserve better.”
Deserved better than what? Better than Nic? The comment seemed out of context. Did it have something to do with why Cass left, or whatever Davis had held back earlier? She felt like she’d missed half of the conversation. Why did Cass care about how Nic’s memory affected Anna’s friendship with Davis? Unless it wasn’t friendship they’d discussed.
Her mouth suddenly felt very dry, but she didn’t dare reach for her drink for fear her hands would tremble.
“Anna? Are you okay?”
She nodded slowly. She was overreacting. Davis hadn’t said anything that warranted her current line of thought. She’d merely paid her a very sweet and genuine compliment. Annabelle had turned the sentiments into something romantic. Her entire overreaction was probably only wishful thinking.
Did she wish Davis had feelings for her? And if she did, could she even return them? Six months ago she thought she’d never feel this way again. Even earlier today she’d thought she didn’t want to be anything other than stable, but now her body told her something altogether different.
“Did I say something wrong?” Davis asked nervously, moving closer.
“No, of course, not.” She swallowed her emotions. She’d made Davis uncomfortable, and she hated the doubt rising in those beautiful green eyes. She never wanted to make this strong, beautiful woman question herself. “You’re wonderfully sweet, and I want you to always be open and honest with me.”
“And you know I am, right?” Davis asked, a hint of shyness creeping into her tone. “You know I’d never lie to you?”
“I know. I trust you completely, and I never thought I’d say that again to anyone.”
Davis smiled, seeming relieved. “Good, and I know what you mean. I didn’t think I’d even want to trust anyone again, much less be able to.”
“And now?” She tried not to hold her breath, but so much hinged on Davis’s answer.
“Today with my family I watched them laugh and joke and talk about their hopes and fears, and I felt jealous. They were completely themselves with each other, and I wanted to feel that kind of comfort, but as much as I enjoyed being around them, I realized you’re the only person I trust enough to let see all of me.” Davis shivered like the reality of what she’d said was enough to shake something at her core.
The urge to reach out to her was too powerful to resist. Annabelle tentatively ran the back of her fingers down Davis’s cheek. Her skin was so soft, so warm, stirring an ache in her chest she either hadn’t felt or hadn’t let herself acknowledge until it grew too strong to ignore.
Davis closed her eyes and leaned into the caress. God, she’s beautiful. And she suddenly seemed vulnerable in a way she hadn’t before. Annabelle had never been the initiator in anything, always the careful one, eager to please and content to follow, but the pull she felt to Davis now was stronger than anything she’d ever experienced. Doubt evaporated as she drew nearer, replacing the gentle touch of her hand with her lips. She ran her mouth lightly against Davis’s smooth skin, slowly inhaling the scent of her, a delicate mix of soap and honeysuckle. She placed feather-light kisses along her cheekbone and down her jaw until Davis turned her head, seeking more.
Their lips met, and Annabelle was torn between the urge to run from the overwhelming honesty of their connection and the desire to immerse herself completely in it. Ultimately she gave in to the latter. The kiss felt nothing like the one they’d shared in pain and desperation. They came together now, slowly, intimately, and with a depth of feeling that would’ve terrified her with anyone else.
Davis was skillful at matching Anna’s pace, accepting everything offered without pushing for more, even though she could have. The thought should’ve terrified Annabelle. Davis could have what she wanted. Annabelle wouldn’t deny her anything, even the power to hurt her, and yet she felt safe.
No, she felt better than safe.
She felt free.
There was no fear or distrust, but there was no hurry, no pressure, only desire.
Davis took Anna’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Anna’s body temperature rose as the quiet spark between them grew slowly, not like a flash of lightning, but more like the way a single flame catches kindling and crawls along, spreading with every ounce of fuel it consumes. She savored each moment, each subtle shift of their bodies, the heated flush of Davis’s breath, the brush of skin. The unbelievable rightness of their connection urged her forward, her tongue sweeping against Davis’s. She couldn’t remember the last time her mind, heart, and body were in sync like this, and she wasn’t sure anything had ever felt so all-consuming.
She ran her hand up Davis’s arm, relishing the ability to want something, someone, in a way that superseded reason. Annabelle grew dizzy with power that came from touching, craving, taking. She could’ve cried out, but she didn’t want to stop. She didn’t want this moment to end.
“Anna,” Davis whispered, cupping her face in her hands. “God, Anna, you’re amazing.”
“No, it’s you,” she murmured against her neck. “You make me…you make me…feel.”
“You make me need.” Davis rested her forehead against Anna’s and stared into her eyes, causing her to catch her breath. “I need you.”
They pressed their mouths together again, their pace increasing with the heat between them. Davis threaded her arms around Anna’s back, urging her closer, and she eagerly obliged until she was practically on her lap. Each touch bolder than the one before, they stroked and kissed, then reached for more. The caring didn’t merely give way to passion. It fed it, giving them freedom to surrender. She didn’t think about practicalities or all the ways this could go wrong. Instead, she gave in completely. They had plenty of time, and for the first time in months, time felt like a blessing instead of a curse.
Chapter Eighteen
Nic tried not to look around the modular home. It reminded her too much of the trailer she’d grown up in, and not just because of its size. Hell, her apartment wasn’t any bigger, but it was much cleaner. Here, dirty laundry littered the floor, and the smell of stale smoke hung heavy in the air. She would’ve sat down on the couch, but the torn, sagging cushion didn’t look any more comfortable than the entertainment center she currently leaned up against. She never invited women back to her own place, but maybe this time she should’ve made an exception. It wasn’t too late. Her date, Cindi, was just changing clothes. Then again, maybe Cindi couldn’t find any clean clothes with all her laundry out here on the floor.
“Everything okay in there?” Nic called. She would’ve gone back to check on her if she wasn’t terrified of what kind of mess she’d find in the bedroom. It was probably safer to stay in a well-lit area.
“I’ll be done in a minute. I gotta take a piss,” Cindi called. “Just make yourself comfy, sweet cheeks.”
She winced at the vulgarity. Most of the women she went home with were classier. Her first clue that her current company might be more trouble than she was worth came when Cindi mentioned her license had been revoked for too many DUIs, so Nic would have to drive. She might’ve also questioned the fact that Cindi was alone in a bar at seven o’clock on Thanksgiving, if she hadn’t been in the same position.
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It was the first holiday she’d spent alone in thirteen years, and if she’d stayed in her apartment, she would’ve climbed the wall with regret and self-doubt. At least Cindi, with her too-loud laugh and her too-crude humor, seemed an improvement on solitude. It wasn’t as if Nic intended to make friends with her, and they certainly weren’t about to make love. This was more of a business transaction than anything else, and despite her current administrative leave, she was still very good at business.
Business. Thinking about women as things to be used and traded would’ve horrified her months ago. Even in the midst of an affair, she’d believed an emotional connection was essential for good sex. She still felt a little uncomfortable with the realities of these liaisons, just not uncomfortable enough to stop having them. She only felt awkward or guilty at transition times. In the bar she enjoyed the chase, and in bed she relished the oblivion of pure physicality. If she had to deal with a little discomfort to bridge the two experiences, she would. Then again, if she could talk Cindi into going somewhere else, she might not have to deal with quite so much discomfort.
Finally, the bathroom door swung wide, hitting the thin wall and casting a sepia shot of light into the narrow hallway. Nic opened her mouth to suggest a change of venue, but before she got the words out, Cindi stepped into view, holding a bottle of tequila in one hand, a strap-on in the other, and wearing absolutely nothing.
“You ready to rock?”
Nic stood in awe, her heartbeat sending a steady pulse all the way from her chest straight to her clit. What had she been thinking about wanting to leave? She cleared her throat. “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Cindi strutted into the living room, allowing Nic to admire her. She was thin and taut, the belly-button ring glistening at her navel the only adornment on her slick, shaven body. Cindi walked a circle around her before pushing a stack of papers off the coffee table and onto the floor. Nic couldn’t see the mess anymore, and all memories of her childhood home vanished as Cindy lay back on the table and smiled slyly up at her.
Does She Love You? Page 27