Davis squeezed Anna’s hand. The story wasn’t hers, but it carried enough similarities to make her shiver. She’d built her own barriers to happiness. She’d let fear and self-preservation rule her life. She’d defined her life against her family, against Nic, against vulnerability, and in doing so she’d almost lost her chance at genuine fulfillment.
“It’d be easy to blame the sex addiction for the affair, but honestly that didn’t come until later, when I’d already lost everything that mattered. Sex was an easier high than maintaining a relationship, and drinking saved me from having to think about what I was doing, but they were temporary fixes, and soon a little bit wasn’t enough. I needed more, and I chased it to the detriment of my job, my health, and ultimately my safety.” Nic shuddered as sweat began to bead on her forehead. “You can cut yourself off from purpose, meaning, and basic personal connections only for so long before you start to devolve into something almost less than human.”
Davis had a hard time watching her like this. Her voice shook, and her hands did, too. Her skin wasn’t as pale as it had been in the hospital, but close. Davis couldn’t muster any sympathy for her actions, but Nic’s willingness to put herself through the torture of reliving her darkest moments in order to start to heal took courage and fortitude. It would be impossible not to be a little moved by Nic’s attempt to clean her slate.
“The bigger the void got, the more it took to fill it, until one day I couldn’t fill it anymore. I was drunk and hurting and running from everything I’d done and everything I couldn’t do. I wrapped my car around a telephone pole, and all I could think of as I blacked out was, ‘Thank God, it’s over now.’”
Davis’s heart beat a little faster, and she glanced at Anna to see her wipe a tear from her cheek. The night of the accident had been hard for all of them, and reliving it from Nic’s perspective exhumed Davis’s own guilt and regret over her willingness to abandon her. Nic hadn’t been the only one consumed by fear, and it wasn’t impossible to see how quickly things could spin out of control.
“When I came to, I was so embarrassed to see the two women I’d hurt most. They shouldn’t have been there. I didn’t deserve their concern any more than they deserved what I’d put them through. The physical pain didn’t compare to how much it hurt to watch them struggle toward some sort of peace with themselves and each other. I’d been sorry before that point, at least on some surface level, but that morning in the hospital was the first time I really understood remorse.” Nic hung her head. “I can’t ever undo the damage I caused. I’ll live with that for the rest of my life.”
She looked up and made eye contact with Anna and then Davis. “When I look at your strength and your grace and how far you’ve come in your own lives, I believe I might make it, too. I wouldn’t dare ask for your forgiveness, but I promise to live every day trying to be worthy of this second chance.”
Davis blinked away her own tears, moved by Nic’s emotion and her apparent sincerity. It would ultimately take actions to soften her heart completely, but for the first time she found herself pulling for Nic. She wanted to believe she could change, and she was encouraged by what she’d seen here tonight. Maybe she should say that. The room was disturbingly quiet, the gravity of what they’d all heard weighing heavily in the air between them. She was torn by her need for time and space to process her own emotions and the urge to fill the silence.
Nic wasn’t the only one facing her demons tonight.
“Nic,” Annabelle finally said quietly, “I’m proud of what you’re doing here. This wasn’t easy for any of us. I didn’t want to relive everything tonight or ever. It still hurts, and I’m not sure the pain will ever go away completely. I struggle with distrust and sadness. No matter how far we move forward from this point, I’ll never forget your betrayal, but I do forgive you whether you ask me to or not.”
Nic closed her eyes, and her shoulders sagged with relief, “Thank you, Annabelle.”
“You’re welcome, but letting go means as much to me as it does to you. I’ll never thank you or be grateful for what you did to me, to Davis, to yourself, but I honestly believe I’m better off now than a year ago. I believe you are, too.”
“I am, too,” Davis interjected. She wasn’t ready to forgive. She wasn’t even ready to outwardly applaud Nic’s steps toward recovery, but it would be unfair to all of them for her not to acknowledge she was a better person with a better life and a shot at a better future than before she’d met Nic. “I’m not as sweet or as full of grace as Anna, but without you and all the fucked-up things you did, I wouldn’t have her in my life. I like to think there was a better way to get us to this point, but ultimately I’m glad we’re here. I hope someday you can say the same.”
Nic nodded. “Thank you, Davis. I do, too.”
A few people came up to shake Nic’s hand after the meeting, and Anna spoke with the facilitator about the possibility of baking cookies for the future meetings, but Davis leaned against the wall, lost in her own thoughts. She should’ve been happier, but melancholy hung over her even as Anna looped her arm around her waist and said, “Let’s go home.”
They climbed the basement stairs back into the rain-soaked parking lot. As she opened the door to Annabelle’s car, footsteps fell behind them, and she turned to see Nic on her way out as well. Her tall frame didn’t seem nearly as commanding, huddled against the cold drizzle on her way toward the bus stop. The wave of compassion flowed so quickly she didn’t have to second-guess herself before calling out, “Nic, you want a ride?”
Nic turned and squinted through the rain before her smile burst broad and bright across her face. “Thank you, Davis, but you go on home. You’ve got warmer places to be tonight.”
She glanced at Annabelle. That was true, but she was finally making peace with the fact that Anna would be there, even if Nic was, too. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Nic nodded. “The bus suits me just fine these days.”
Davis chuckled and got in the car. “Maybe she is changing.”
“Did you know she goes to church, too?”
“Really? And lightning hasn’t struck the building?”
“Come on, I’m proud of her,” Anna chided gently, then took her hand. “But I’m proud of you too, you know?”
“Yeah?” She could hardly believe the thought. They’d taken things slowly, resisting the urge to rush toward each other. Instead they’d shared dinners and movies and a few holiday traditions in a genuine attempt to get to know each other not just for who they’d been, but for who they could become. Still, it was impossible not to get swept up in Anna sometimes. She was so beautiful and caring, so sexy and so strong. Silk covering iron. The idea of Davis having anything to offer a woman like her, much less make her proud, was still difficult to comprehend.
“I know coming here tonight was hard for you, too,” Anna said. “She hurt you. A lesser woman would be consumed by that, but you’ve worked so hard to not let her control you.”
“I thought of that when she talked tonight. It scared me because I realized that could have been me.”
“No,” Annabelle said, “don’t be silly. You’d never hurt anyone.”
“I hope not. I’d hate to drag someone else down with me, but I lived in fear and closed myself off. I craved the numbness she talked about. I ran from honest relationships because I didn’t trust my own judgment. Solitude was my drug of choice and anger my fallback emotion, but who’s to say I couldn’t have done the same thing with alcohol? You saved me from myself.”
“You made those decisions for yourself.”
“Maybe, but you made me want to try, and you showed me how. I might not have wanted to die, but I wasn’t truly living until I felt your lips against mine.”
Anna pulled into her driveway and turned to face Davis. “You know that goes both ways, right? You taught me who I could be, and it’s so much more than I thought. You gave me the freedom to become someone I actually like, and I know I haven’t always made it easy o
n you, but I couldn’t have survived the last year without you by my side.”
“I want to be by your side. Always.” She smiled, realizing what she’d just said. “I couldn’t imagine saying this even a few months ago, but you’re in my heart so deep I can’t not say it. I love you.”
Annabelle kissed her soulfully, then, cupping her face in her hands, she pulled them apart just enough to look into her eyes. “Davis—”
“You don’t have to say it if you’re not ready.”
“Ready or not, I love you, Davis.” She laughed. “God, that feels good to say.”
Davis grinned like the love-struck fool she’d finally admitted to being. “Really?”
“Yes. So many people will tell us it’s too soon, but now that it’s out, all I can think is why did we wait so long?”
She kissed Anna again. “I’ll say it every day for the rest of our lives if you’ll let me.”
“I’d like that, but I don’t want you to just tell me. I want you to show me.”
“I’ll do that, too, every day.”
“No.” Anna’s smile turned sultry. “Show me now.”
Davis’s breath caught painfully in her chest as all the blood in her body suddenly rushed downward. “I, um, do you mean, you want…?”
Annabelle pressed a finger to her lips. “I love you. I want you. I want to make love to you.”
There were no words and no fear. Awe mixed with a strong dose of desire carried them up the stairs. Davis closed the door to the apartment, leaving all the thoughts of how far they’d come on the outside. Tonight she’d revel in the luxury of marveling at where they were headed, together.
*
Annabelle watched Davis’s eyes darken with desire and felt the same flame spark in her. She’d invited Davis into her bed because she’d first claimed a place in her heart, but once she opened the door to those emotions her body quickly demanded for its own needs to be acknowledged.
Davis seemed tentative, almost reverent as she crossed the tiny apartment and stood a few inches away from the bed. Annabelle slipped off her jacket and slowly unbuttoned her blouse, letting it hang loosely from her shoulders while Davis watched, her chest rising and falling noticeably with each breath she took. Her awe-filled expression only endeared her further to Annabelle, but she wasn’t a piece of fine china, fragile and cold. The strength of her need made her burn for Davis in a way that overwhelmed her. Her days of following had long passed, and she thrilled at the power surging through her as she caught her finger in a belt loop of Davis’s jeans. Tugging her so close their bodies pressed together and her lips brushed against Davis’s ear, she whispered, “Touch me.”
That seemed all the inspiration Davis needed to shed her reserve. Wrapping her arms around Annabelle’s waist, she backed her to the bed. Falling, tumbling, clutching one another, they were immediately intertwined. Every touch singed a trail of heat across her skin, and she tugged Davis’s shirt over her head in a near-frenzied attempt to gain better access to her body. She pressed her mouth to every part of Davis she could reach—lips, neck, shoulders. The more she consumed, the more hunger consumed her.
Davis tasted delicious, her unique scent filling her senses and pulling her in for more. She felt greedy, but that didn’t stop her from unapologetically rolling Davis onto her back and unclasping her belt. She didn’t know what affected her more, the reaction of Davis’s body to her touch or the way her own nerve endings buzzed with excitement. Davis didn’t give her time to ponder the question as she sat up, pulling her close once again so Annabelle knelt over her lap. She pushed her blouse off her shoulders and kissed a line just above the lace trim of Annabelle’s bra.
“Take it off,” Annabelle rasped in a voice so low it barely registered as her own.
If the command or the tone in which it was delivered surprised Davis, she didn’t show it. She quickly unclasped the bra and slid the straps down Annabelle’s shoulders, taking a moment to look at her breasts. Anna blushed under the lustful gaze, but out of arousal rather than shyness. She loved the way Davis looked at her. Running her fingers around Davis’s neck and into her hair, she pulled her head back until their eyes locked. “I want you so much it makes me crazy.”
They kissed feverishly, giving their hands freedom to explore each other, caressing backs, sides, and breasts. She’d never been like this—voracious, ravenous—and she didn’t want to stop. With Davis she was safe, free, loved, and desired. Rolling them back onto the mattress, Annabelle pushed Davis’s jeans and underwear down to her ankles. She kissed a line between her breasts and down her stomach, breathing deeply dizzying breaths filled with Davis’s scent.
“Anna, God, I won’t last long,” Davis panted through clenched teeth. “Please, let me see you.”
The tenderness behind the plea melted her rapidly beating heart. Reversing her path she crawled back up Davis’s body, kissing every inch of skin she could reach along the way. The fire built steadily without any barriers between them, but now the passion burned with a purpose. The rightness of their bodies pressed against the length of one another, curve to hollow, and the depth of emotion that passed between them with each glance and lingering look reaffirmed that what they shared went deeper than the all-consuming physical need of the moment.
Annabelle straddled Davis’s legs and slipped a hand between them. She groaned as Davis opened to her, revealing her willingness to surrender to Annabelle’s desire.
“You feel so good.”
“No, it’s you. I want more of you. All of you.” Davis arched her back, allowing Annabelle to slip fully inside her. A gasp, an exhale, or maybe a groan escaped both of their lips as they became a part of one another. Annabelle fought the urge to close her eyes and submerge herself fully in the sensations surrounding her. Davis was too stunning to miss a moment of her.
“You’re so beautiful.” Annabelle ran her free hand across the plane of Davis’s stomach. “I wish you could see yourself right now.”
“I don’t have to. I can see how you see me.”
Davis arched herself into a sitting position, kissing Anna as she clung to her back. Red light flashed behind her eyelids as Davis licked and sucked her way across her chest, then worked a hand between their bodies. Her hips rocked forward, seemingly of their own accord, as Davis stroked closer to the center of her need.
“I don’t want to let go of you,” Annabelle mumbled as her movements became more erratic.
“Don’t. Please don’t.”
They kissed until they had to gasp for air, and even then they broke apart only the distance of a shared breath. Riding the heat of their passion, they moved together, one seamless rhythm of pleasure. Every time Anna reached for more, Davis met her need, giving her everything she craved, then begging for more. Pressure built in her chest and radiated through her body. She clung to Davis, pushing everything from her heart into the connection that exploded between them.
Calling out, she threw her head back and pushed into Davis one more time to feel her muscles contract in a chain of release. Thunder reverberated through her in waves until she collapsed onto Davis’s still-heaving chest.
“I love you.”
Davis kissed her forehead. “I love you, too.”
Annabelle snuggled into the crook of Davis arm, basking in the perfection of the moment and marveling at how words that had seemed so momentous earlier now felt almost inadequate in the aftermath of such a powerful affirmation of their truth. They did love each other, they trusted each other, they were right for each other, but no amount of saying those things could compare to the prospect of a lifetime spent living them.
About the Author
Rachel Spangler never set out to be an award-winning author. She was just so poor and easily bored during her college years that she had to come up with creative ways to entertain herself, and her first novel, Learning Curve, was born out of one such attempt. She was sincerely surprised when it was accepted for publication and even more shocked when it won the Golden
Crown Literary Award for Debut Author. She also won a Goldie for her second novel, Trails Merge. Since writing is more fun than a real job and so much cheaper than therapy, Rachel continued to type away, leading to the publication of The Long Way Home, LoveLife, Spanish Heart, and Does She Love You? She plans to continue writing as long as anyone anywhere will keep reading.
Rachel and her partner, Susan, are raising their young son in western New York, where during the winter they make the most of the lake effect snow on local ski slopes. In the summer, they love to travel and watch their beloved St. Louis Cardinals. Regardless of the season, she always makes time for a good romance, whether she’s reading it, writing it, or living it.
For more information visit Rachel online at www.rachelspangler.com or on Facebook.
What Reviewers Say About Rachel Spangler’s Work
Trails Merge
“Spangler has done her homework and she does a great job describing the day to day workings of a small ski resort. She tells her story with wonderful humor, and gives an accurate voice to each of her characters. Parker Riley’s best friend Alexis is as true to the sophisticated ‘City’ girl as Campbell’s father is to the country. Trails Merge is a great read that may have you driving to the nearest mountain resort.”—Just About Write
“Sparks fly and denial runs deep in this excellent second novel by Spangler. The author’s love of the subject shines through as skiing, family values and romance fill the pages of this heartwarming story. The setting is stunning, making this reviewer nostalgic for her childhood days spent skiing the bunny hills of Wisconsin.”—Curve magazine
Learning Curve
Does She Love You? Page 31