by Lynette Mae
"I'm not!" Devon's eyes blazed now, "There were so many brave people over there, let them give them the medals." Her voice fell to a pained whisper, "I didn't do enough."
"I was there, remember? So, don't tell me what you didn't do." Mac spoke in a soft but firm tone. She raised her hand to stop Devon's protest. "As I was saying, you can't refuse to go. You have an order to be there. You still know how to follow an order, don't you?"
Devon didn't respond. After surviving that nightmare, the search and rescue, the endless bodies, Alex dying, her own bullet wounds seemed to be deserved. The thought of getting medals pinned on her chest as some kind of reward-it just seemed obscene. But, she knew Mac was right, she couldn't get out of going.
Mac grasped Devon's hand that rested on the table. "Hey, how ya doing?"
Devon's eyes couldn't hide the pain as she looked at her friend, nor could she stop the tears that sprung unexpectedly to her eyes. Mac was there, she saw what Devon saw. She witnessed the tearing of Devon's very soul the moment they found Alex's lifeless body lying in the sand. Devon cut her eyes to the table, unable to bear the pained expression that looked a lot like sympathy in Mac's eyes. She drew a ragged breath and drained the beer in her hand. Unable to think of a dismissive comment in the face of the person who really knew her loss, Devon rasped, "Surviving."
She forced a smile and stood. "My turn to get us a round."
Mac watched Devon limp toward the bar but Devon had not brought the cane tonight. She could see the outward healing was progressing; it was the internal torment that she fervently hoped Devon could get past. The haunted look in her eyes told Mac that the demons were alive and well in Devon's dreams.
Devon returned to their table with fresh beers intent on steering the conversation to something other than herself. She really wasn't ready to examine her feelings or delve deeply into her psyche. Devon found comfort in Mac's presence, it was enough that she understood, she had no desire to lay bare the still raw places of her heart by speaking of the hurt aloud.
The brunette at the bar was looking over at their table again. Seeing a way to redirect the conversation, Devon tilted her head in that direction. "It seems you have an admirer."
Mac glanced up and chuckled softly. "No, I don't think so." A blush crept over her face, making Devon laugh. Again, Mac shook her head no.
"Why do you say no?" Devon teased, "You could be eye candy." Both women laughed out loud at that and Mac punched Devon's shoulder softly.
"Speaking of which," Devon continued, raising an eyebrow at her friend, "So you think that Ann Baxter is cute, huh?"
Again, the color rose in Mac's cheeks, "You are something else tonight."
"You're stalling."
With a huge sigh, Mac allowed, "Yes, I do."
A grin split Devon's face. "Well, then, I guess we'll have to all go out so you can get acquainted."
Chapter 33
Devon shoved through the double doors of the auditorium into the brilliant sunshine of the cold clear winter afternoon. She closed her eyes and turned her face up to the sun, gulping the fresh air, trying to erase the suffocating feeling that had gripped her during the ceremony. Leaning against a large maple tree as she felt her stomach begin to heave, she struggled against the onslaught of horrific images that now flashed across her inner lids. That did it. She doubled over and vomited in the grass.
A warm hand pressed against her back and rubbed small circles between her shoulder blades. When her stomach stopped lurching, a hand appeared in front of her face offering a white handkerchief.
"Here, buddy." She guided Devon to a nearby bench, "sit here a minute while I get you some water."
Devon nodded and rested her elbows on her knees, cradling her head in her hands. Mac returned with a bottle of water and handed it to her. "Drink," she said sitting down next to Devon. After they sat a few minutes in silence, her head cleared and she felt a bit steadier.
Devon grinned sheepishly at Mac, "Well, at least I didn't throw up on the President."
Mac shook her head and laughed, but her eyes conveyed her worry. "Dev, you have to give yourself a break, okay? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but eventually you will find a place for the pain and you will be able to think about Alex without it."
The D.C. ceremony was to honor those who served in Beirut. Ribbons were presented to all service members who served in the Beirut multinational forces, and individual medals were presented as well. The ISA unit was awarded the Meritorious Unit Award for their successful mission just before the bombing to eliminate the terrorist camp. Devon and countless others were awarded Purple Hearts for their wounds suffered in battle. Nearly everyone was awarded additional meritorious service medals for their bravery and life saving efforts the day of the bombing. Mac was awarded the Army Air Medal exemplary service of a pilot on a flying mission under direct enemy fire.
Up to that point in the ceremony, Devon seemed fine. But when the last two were presented to her, Mac saw her control begin to falter. Mac knew that she was going to receive the additional honors, because she had written the citations for the Major. Devon was the recipient of the Silver Star and the Distinguished Service Cross, two of the highest awards of honor that can be given to a member of the armed forces. She was given the award for bravery under fire, risking her own life to save Captain Armstrong on the day of their operation, and for again placing her own life in danger in rescuing the CIA Agents.
At the mention of the CIA agents, Mac could see her friend shaking slightly and a sweat begin to break out on her brow. After the President pinned the last medal on her chest and stepped away, Mac leaned closer, "Easy does it, Dev, we're almost there."
Now, Mac regarded her friend in the sunlight, her heart aching for Devon. She felt the rage and terror sometimes when the memories came unrelenting, reminding her of unspeakable horrors that they had witnessed. She could not imagine in adding such a personal tragedy on that insidious day. For her and most of the others, the medals would be part of the healing process, and in time be sources of pride. But she could see that for Devon, they would forever be a reminder of Alex.
#
"Devon! Please help me!" Alex's cry was muffled but unmistakable as Devon dug frantically through the pile of debris and rubble.
She clawed through the earth, unmindful of the rocks and shards of metal and glass that cut her hands as she dug. The wind blew clouds of dust that stung her eyes and blurred her vision, but she didn't need to see, she could feel the dirt and rocks in her hands as she worked. Relentlessly, she continued, determined to find her. Again, she heard Alex call to her, but her voice was weaker now. "I'm coming, Alex! I swear, I'm almost there!" She dug faster now, chest heaving from exertion. "Please hold on, I'm coming."
She felt a hand on her shoulder that stopped her movements. Looking up, she couldn't make out any features, only a dark shadowy form that pointed away from where she was digging. "No," she said to the shadow, "I have to keep going, I can't leave her." The figure pointed again and she was propelled by an unseen force, walking in the direction indicated. She could see a still form on the ground face down in front of her. She rushed toward the woman, turning her over, revealing Alex's lifeless stare that bored into her. As she sank to her knees, a hollow voice boomed, "You're too late, you failed her."
"No! Please, I didn't know! Alex!"
Devon woke drenched in sweat and shaking in the darkness, hands fisted in the sheets. Disoriented, she sat up as her eyes darted around the still room until she realized that she was in her apartment in Maryland. The clock on the nightstand read 0223. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs and held her forehead in the palms of her hands. As her breathing slowed to normal she got up and pulled on the grey sweats that were lying on the floor next to the bed, then she walked on shaky legs to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
; The award ceremony had stirred up so many emotions that Devon had been jumpy they rest of the day. She declined Mac's dinner invitation, not wanting to impose her mood on anyone else. Self recrimination ruled her thoughts. If she hadn't been so self-absorbed in her own quest to be the one to strike at the terrorists, would Alex still be alive? Had she pushed her into some kind of bullshit competition to see which one of them would win the race? Win? Is that what she was trying to do? Beat Alex? Like it was some fucking game?
She stood in front of the large window. Outside the snow fell silently, shrouding everything in white, blurring reality. It concealed the edges, rendering ordinary objects unrecognizable. Her focus shifted to her own reflection in the glass. One more thing she didn't recognize anymore-maybe she didn't want to. You killed her. "You and your fucking ego," she growled at her reflection.
Devon sat on the couch watching the snow fall silently outside, knowing sleep would not come again this night.
Chapter 34
Ann Baxter couldn't contain her smile when she saw the blond lieutenant walking across the operations area toward where she was seated plotting fixes on targets shot during the previous shift. She had seen on the March duty roster notation that Devon might be back to work the next week, depending on her medical release.
"Hey, boss!"
Devon followed her to the outer office area and the two women embraced tightly for a long moment. "You are a beautiful sight," Ann she stepped back to look Devon up and down.
"Thanks, you don't look so bad yourself," Devon said affectionately.
"When will you be back to work?"
"Well, other than needing to spend a few hours a week at physical therapy, I'm back right now." Devon laughed as Ann pumped her fist in the air. "So, I was kinda hoping that you would have some work for me."
"Always the comedian," Ann shook her head, "I think you have that backwards."
"I don't think so." Devon shook her head, "Everyone around here knows who runs this place. You and Janice." Devon grinned again referring to the division's secretary. Ann got them both a cup of coffee and they spent some time catching up on the events while Devon was overseas.
"You scared the hell out of me," Ann said seriously. "We heard about the bombing, and then that you were shot. God, what a nightmare," She closed her eyes and shuddered slightly.
Devon's eyes grew dark with a distant pain. Ann realized that Devon also lost her college friend from the CIA, she felt stupid for bringing up the terrible memory. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-" What an idiot! Shut your mouth.
"It's alright, Ann," Devon forced a smile for her friend. "Listen, the real reason I came by," Devon changed the subject, "is to invite you to dinner with a friend of mine."
Ann raised her eyebrow suspiciously. "What, a blind date?"
"No!" Devon assured her, "I mean all three of us. But, hey, if you two hit it off, I'll happily make myself scarce." She smiled broadly as Ann rolled her eyes. Devon gave Ann a sad, pathetic look. "Please?"
"Oh, alright," Ann agreed reluctantly.
"Great!" Devon exclaimed, "How's tomorrow night?"
"You better be planning on taking me somewhere really nice, and I'm not buying either."
Devon couldn't contain her pleasure. "No, Ma'am. I would never ask a lady out and expect her to pay. We will be honored with the pleasure of your fine company." Her eyes regained some of the sparkle that Ann loved.
"Okay, then," Devon said as she got up to leave, "we'll pick you up at six thirty. Wear something nice for the seafood house on the Inner Harbor, you know, dressy casual. Then we'll see where we go after dinner to party the night away." Devon smiled one last time at Ann as she stepped out the door.
"Wait, what's her name?" Ann called after Devon.
Devon turned back toward the doorway, "Mac."
"Mac? Are you sure…" Ann's question was swallowed up by the noise in the computer room as she watched Devon walk out the door at the far end of the room. "Lord, what have I let her talk me into," she muttered to herself as she got back to work.
#
Dinner was wonderful, the food and atmosphere of the seafood waterfront restaurant was everything that the advertising promised. Add to that the great company and the evening was off to a roaring success. Ann was wearing black slacks that clung nicely to her hips and a cream colored v-neck sweater that was cut just low enough to show off the barest hint of her full breasts. She and Mac had hit it off wonderfully and Devon was pleased that her friends were enjoying themselves. To her surprise, she found that she was as well.
They stood in line outside, feeling the chill of the night air. Seeing Ann shiver and wrap her arms around her body, Mac removed her navy jacket, placing it over the smaller woman's shoulders. She was wearing snug fitting black jeans and a starched white cotton shirt.
"Thanks," Ann smiled at Mac, "but I don't want you to get cold."
"I'm fine," Mac said, smiling when Ann leaned into her body. Mac responded by wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her in more closely. Devon grinned ear to ear and caught Mac's eye as they stepped ahead of her into the club. Mac winked.
Inside the club was filling up fast with women. The pulsing of the base in the dance music vibrated inside their bodies as they made their way through the crowd, lucky to secure a table in the back. Devon went to the bar for drinks, deliberately leaving Ann and Mac alone for a few minutes. She caught the bartender's eye and soon was returning to the table with three beers and three shots of whiskey, thankful that she no longer needed her cane. As she approached the table, she saw Mac leaning in close and saying something in Ann's ear, whatever it was making Ann laugh.
"Here we are ladies," Devon announced placing the beers down and then passing the shot glasses to each woman.
"To friends," Devon raised her glass and smiling at the women seated across the table.
"To friends," they rejoined, as they all downed the shot.
A bit later Mac asked Ann to dance and they made their way to the dance floor. Ann asked Devon to join them for the fast song, but she declined, citing her leg that, although mostly healed still tired easily. Not that the excuse wasn't true, she just would never think of intruding on their time alone to get to know one another. She sat back easily sipping her beer and enjoying taking in the sights of Saturday night at the club.
Devon turned toward the bar and noticed the brunette who had been watching Mac the last time they were in. Although the crowd this night made it hard to tell, the woman was indeed sitting with her back to the bar, facing the dance floor, and once again seemed to be watching Mac.
"Too late, honey, I think my friend has found someone to interest her," Devon said aloud, studying the other woman. As if she heard her over the music, the woman turned and looked directly at Devon, tipping her glass in the lieutenant's direction. Devon raised her beer bottle and nodded at the woman before turning her attention back to the dance floor.
"Your beer looks empty," the brunette from the bar stood next to Devon's chair about five minutes later, a cold Heineken in one hand and a mixed drink in the other. She set the beer on the table in front of Devon. Smiling, Devon stood, and indicated for her to sit.
"Thanks." Devon's blue eyes scrutinized the new arrival. She was petite and trim, her dark hair fell loosely around her face and her eyes glinted in the flashing club lights. She wore tight jeans and a low cut knit top that showed off shapely full breasts, and was tucked into her waistband accentuating her narrow waist. Devon guessed she was about twenty nine.
"I'm Susan." The woman extended her hand.
"Devon. Pleased to meet you."
"You new in town? I don't remember seeing you around her before a few weeks ago; you and your friend," she motioned with her glass toward the dance floor.
"Yeah," Devon replied, "I have recently relocated to the area." Instantly, the old habits of caution returned
instinctively as Devon spoke with the attractive stranger.
"Really? I've lived here all of my life," Susan smiled again, "I've always wanted to travel, though."
"Why don't you? You seem too young to be tied down," Devon returned.
She laughed, "You're right. I hadn't thought of it that way, I guess I don't have as much of an independent streak as I had imagined. I always think about meeting the right person to travel with."
"Sometimes you just have to go for it," Devon shrugged, "make your own opportunity."
"You may be right." Susan looked as though she was contemplating the idea. "So, are you and your friends military?" Susan was smiling again, but somehow Devon couldn't see the smile in her eyes. She hesitated, trying to think of a good answer, when thankfully Ann and Mac approached the table.
"Hey you two," Devon stood and grinned at Mac, who was pulling out Ann's chair for her.