“After you hauled her in your big stupid arms and kissed her!”
“Hey! I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Then why is my sister yelling? Huh?!”
Potter sighed and rubbed his eyes. Did he really want to deal with this crazy family for the rest of his life? He took a moment to reconsider, but the answer was the same as always. Heck yes!
“When is Puck NOT yelling?” Potter watched Perri freeze with her mouth open, ready to continue yelling at him, as she considered the truth of those words.
She closed her mouth, rested one hand on her belly and the other on her hip, and rolled her eyes. “You have a point there. But I’m still mad at you! You know that Puck doesn’t want to have sex before marriage so what the heck were you doing?”
“I’m fairly certain that we did not have sex,” Potter said as he rolled his own eyes and sank down on the couch. He stared for a second at her hand resting on her belly. He should feel like a cad arguing with a pregnant girl- but hey she started it!
“Look, all I wanted was to kiss Puck good night, she attacked me! I know you saw her throw me against that tree!”
Perri blushed and looked away. “I wasn’t spying on you guys!”
“Yeah, sure, whatever you say.” Potter grabbed a pillow and put it over his lap. Parts of his self were not yet recovered from Puck’s little fusion experiment. “Anyways, the only way that I could convince Puck to stop and think about it rationally was to dunk her in cold water.”
“Tell me you didn’t-
“So I dunked her in cold water.”
Puck chose that exact moment to stomp down the stairs wearing a Nike shirt and shorts that showed off her long legs. They clung to her still wet body, which made Potter’s pillow even more necessary. Her hair hung wet around her face, nicely framing her livid eyes and swollen lips.
She marched over to Potter and stood there glaring at him. She had attitude coming off of her in waves. She planted her hands on her hips and scowled at Potter. “What are you doing in my house?”
Before he could answer, Puck turned on Perri. “Do you know what this idiot did? He proposed to me again! He dumped me in a tub full of ice water and then asked me if I wanna! I’m going to kill him! I’m gunna take his stupid pillow from his stupid lap and suffocate him!”
Perri looked between Puck and Potter and then wisely chose to exit the room. The two of them looked like they were about to full out battle. Potter had turned red from being called an idiot and having his proposal mocked for a second time and Puck looked crazy angry. As if she just might really kill Potter. Perri dodged a flying pillow and then ran upstairs. She shut the door just as she heard Potter bellowing about how his proposals were just fine and that if Puck wasn’t so crazy she’d accept them.
“I am not crazy!” Puck yelled as she kicked Potter in the leg. How dare he call her crazy? He was the one afraid of sea gulls!
Pete the Pirate, her dog, must have heard her yelling, because he came running downstairs barking at Potter. He planted himself in front of Puck and growled at Potter menacingly.
Potter eyed the dog warily. Even after a bath and grooming, the dog looked diseased. He’d mentioned that to Puck before and gotten hit for it, so he didn’t think he’d ever mention it again. But if Puck was smart she’d take the dog to the pound where it belonged, not harbor a diseased mutt in her townhouse. Potter put his hands up and stopped yelling at Puck. He wasn’t scared of dogs, but he didn’t really fancy getting rabies before he was able to convince Puck to marry him.
“Bite him, Pete!” Puck commanded cold heartedly.
The dog looked slightly confused, cocked his head to one side and then pounced on Potter. Puck watched in disgust as her disloyal dog prepared to lick Potter to death. Worthless dog, maybe she should take him to the pound like Potter had suggested and get an even better dog…like maybe a Rottweiler. It had to be something that could scare Potter into submission. Oh wait, all she needed was a seagull.
Puck laughed at the image of Potter cowering on her couch while a giant sea gull flapped its wings at him. She pulled her dog off of Potter and sat down next to him. It took everything that she had, but she bravely said, “I know why you did what you did. I didn’t appreciate being dunked in cold water, but I know that you were just trying to do the right thing.” Her words came out grudgingly, not at all as benevolent as she had planned.
“I don’t think it’s about right or wrong. If I honestly thought you wanted to sleep with me right now, I would in a heart beat. But you are the one that told me that there would be no sex…and I know that you wouldn’t change your mind so easily.” He put an arm around Puck’s shoulder and gave her a squeeze. “It’s okay, I understand that I’m irresistible,” he joked.
“Yeah, right,” Puck scoffed and elbowed him lightly in the side. Puck looked up at Potter and smiled. “You are however slightly cute.”
“Aww darlin’ that’s about the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Sad, aint it?”
“Yup.” Potter sighed and forced himself to drop his arm from Puck. “I have to get home. I just came by to invite you to dinner. So I’ll be by tomorrow at five?”
Puck nodded and hugged him good bye. “You got your hug at the end of the day.
“And you got your battle. See you later baby.”
“Don’t call me baby!”
Perri watched from her window as Puck followed Potter out of the house squabbling the entire way. She shook her head and closed her curtains. They were such a weird couple! She rubbed her belly and spoke to her baby, “Your aunt Puck is a little crazy, but it’s ok. I’ll protect you from her.” She stroked her belly and then added, “You will always have both me and Puck to protect you. I’m pretty sure Potter will be around too. You are going to be one lucky baby.”
Chapter 11: Psycho babble
Puck glanced out the window in confusion. Instead of the Italian Restaurant that Potter had promised to take her to, she was staring at what looked like a clinic. What the heck was going on? She glanced at Potter in confusion and asked, “You lost?”
“No.” Potter quickly pulled into a parking space in front of the bland single story building that advertised…
Puck squinted to read the white letters on the big office window. She must be mistaken. Potter wouldn’t take her to marriage counseling, would he? Puck swung her gaze to Potter’s in bewilderment. The confusion, however, was quickly dissolving into white hot rage. He lied to her? He was taking her to counseling? Why?! They weren’t even married! They never would be either if Potter kept pulling stupid stunts like this. She narrowed her eyes and tried to telepathically blow his head off with her angry thoughts. So far no luck.
Puck crossed her arms and declared, “No way in hell am I going in there! You are scum, you know that Potter? You lied to me! This was supposed to be a date! God, you are so dumb! DUMB! We. Aren’t. Married. We don’t need marriage counseling! I’M NOT GOING!”
Ten minutes later…
Puck slouched on the couch with her arms crossed and a mutinous expression on her face. Potter sat calmly next to her, staring about the room in idle curiosity. It was a relatively small office with wood floors, a couch and a chair and little else. A potted plant stood in the corner and soft music played in the back ground. A small glass coffee table held the latest subscription magazines. Potter had one arm thrown across the back of the couch, crowding Puck, and his legs stretched leisurely in front of him.
The Psychiatrist sat across from them in a comfy chair, silently observing the pair. Every once in a while she’d jot down a little note in her records. They had been sitting like this for about five minutes. Puck narrowed her eyes further. She did NOT want to be here.
“Puck why don’t we start with you. You look a little on edge, is everything alright?”
“…”
“You don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to. Why don’t you just tell me about yourself. How did you meet Pott
er?”
There was a long tense silence, where Puck just glared at the doctor. She was a tall thin woman with long black hair and Indian heritage. She was dressed like a shrink off TV, in a white blouse and a pencil skirt. After a not-so-gentle nudge by Potter, however, Puck answered her in a semi-polite voice.
“He ran me over.”
The doctor smiled nervously and glanced at Potter. “Is that an inside joke?”
“NO. He ran me over.” Puck restated, only slower as if she was speaking to an imbecile.
Potter sighed and nudged Puck again.
“Play nice.”
“I don’t want to,” she replied sullenly.
“Puck…” he said with warning in his voice.
Puck glared at him, but sat up straighter in the couch. Before they had come inside they had struck a bargain. She would come to this idiotic meeting and Potter would promise to be less stupid. Those had been her terms. Potter had heaved out a long suffering breath and wrapped her in his arms.
“It will be okay, I promise. We’ll be in there for like half an hour and then I’ll take you out to eat,” he had said. Puck had nodded and laid her head on his shoulder briefly before stepping away and marching into the clinic.
“He almost ran me over. He rescued me and then kind of stuck around. I try my best to chase him off, but he’s very stubborn.”
“Do you always joke about your relationship?”
That got her hackles up. “Why?”
Potter’s arm came around Puck and pulled her closer. “She’s just nervous, she doesn’t like discussing her feelings with strangers,” he said in her defense.
“Hey! I’m not nervous!”
“Let me put you at ease. We can talk about anything you feel comfortable about. Why don’t you tell me why you’re here? What are you trying to get out of these sessions?”
“Se…sessions?” Puck stumbled on the word. “As in more than one?” She shot an alarmed look at Potter and then at the doctor.
“Well you didn’t think that you’d solve your problems in just one visit, did you?” The doctor had been observing both of them closely, but now she paused to jot down some more notes. She glanced up and asked again, “So why are you here, Puck?”
“I don’t know!”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because Potter tricked me! Why don’t we discuss that? Huh? About how Potter is a low down cheat who lied to get me here, and so far he is NOT living up to his deal cause he’s still acting stupid! If he was smart he would already have noticed that we don’t need this!”
“Do you often call Potter stupid?”
“Only when he acts stupid.” Puck crossed her arms again and glared at the doctor. She was really getting on Puck’s nerves with her inane questions. All she did was ask the same question over and over…Why? And then she’d jot down some stupid note in her stupid records. Well Puck was done.
For the first time, Potter tensed up, as if noticing the dangerous emotions rolling off of Puck. He tried to massage her back, but she jabbed him in the stomach. He shot a glance at the doc to see if she’d notice, which of course she did.
“And are you often violent with Potter?”
Uh oh. Puck was going to blow. Potter just knew it. Why had he taken Puck here? His aunt Rose had thought it was a good idea, but since when was listening to his crazy aunt a GOOD idea? Potter felt panic welling up inside of him. He just knew that Puck couldn’t take much more of the doc’s ‘therapist’ voice, or the annoying scribbling of her pen as she wrote down her notes. Hell, Potter was getting fed up, and this had basically been his idea.
“…”
“Violence is never a solution. Is that why you agreed to come? You realized that you needed to change your behavior towards your husband?”
“Husband?”
“Yes, Potter. He is your husband isn’t he?”
“I’m sorry I’m not supposed to talk about that,” Puck said in a soft little girl’s voice.
“Puck?” asked both the doctor and Potter in confusion.
Puck kept her gaze blank and relaxed her body. She then pulled her knees up to her chest and started humming.
‘Oh lord!’ thought Potter. What was Puck up to? He watched in bemusement while she continued humming and rocking back and forth. He glanced at the doc and winced when she looked intrigued. She flipped her long black hair off her shoulder and pierced Puck with her clear brown eyes.
“Am I speaking to Puck right now?”
“Puck is not here right now,” Puck said in her child’s voice. She winced slightly when Potter pinched her, but quickly resumed rocking and humming.
“Who am I speaking to right now?”
“Gracie.”
“And how old are you Gracie?”
“I’m not supposed to say.”
“Who told you not to say?”
“The others.”
“Who are the others?”
“They’re… I’m not supposed to say. They’ll be mad at me.”
The doctor leaned closer and excitedly wrote notes as she asked Potter, “Does she do this often?”
Potter rolled his eyes as he glanced at his fiancé rocking back and forth like a nut job. He would NOT play along with this. Potter crossed his arms and glared at Puck.
“Puck, knock it off!”
“Puck’s not here.”
“Mr. Sanders, it might be for the best if you didn’t talk to her in that tone of voice. How often would you say she goes into one of these trances?”
Potter leaned his head against the couch and rubbed his hand over his eyes. This was hell.
“Puck for Christ’s sake cut it out! This isn’t funny!”
“Gracie, honey. Are there other’s I can talk to?”
“Yeah…there’s the goddess, the sergeant, a rabbit named Bo, and a transvestite named Potter. No relationship to this man here. He scares me. He’s mean to Puck. He runs her over and breaks her ankle; he even threatened to get rid of her dog. He’s very scary! And he’s ugly. Way more ugly than the transvestite Potter.”
“Puck!” Potter yelled in outrage. He turned to the doctor, “I am NOT violent! I would never get rid of her dog! She broke her own dang ankle from being stupid! Do you know that she constantly throws her life in danger? Oh and she’s scared to death of commitment. I proposed to her a million times, but she never says yes. Talk to her- not me! She’s the nut case who hears voices!”
The doctor had a strange look on her face as she watched both Puck and Potter. She dropped her pen on the paper and brushed her hair off her shoulder. She slowly straightened and glanced at Puck.
“Are you shitting me?”
That brought both heads up. After Potter’s little outburst Puck had been glaring at him and digging her foot into his. Potter had retaliated by pinching her hip, which had made Puck jab him with her elbow. It had been a silent war, done as nonchalantly as possible, so as not to get the doctor’s attention. At her question however, they both stopped inflicting pain and swung their gazes to her.
“You are aren’t you?”
“Ummm…I didn’t know shrinks said stuff like that.” Puck winced when the doctor threw her tablet down in disgust.
“Is there a reason why you pretended to have multiple personalities?”
“Umm, because I didn’t want to be here.”
“Then WHY are you here?”
“Because Potter wanted to come,” Puck mumbled. She’d been having fun there for a little bit, getting Potter back for forcing this visit. Now she felt like a child that had just been called in front of the principle. Potter must have felt the same way, because he was blushing and had moved his hand off of her hip. Dang, it felt like he’d bruised her hip with his stupid man fingers!
“And is it right that you aren’t even married? Did you realize that this is marriage counseling?”
Puck glanced at Potter and nudged him. “You answer- it was your idea Casanova.”
Potter swallowed and pul
led on his shirt collar. “Uh…yeah. You see I thought this was a good idea because I want her to marry me.”
“Then why don’t you just propose to her? I think it’s obvious that she loves you or else she wouldn’t have come here.”
Puck felt laughter bubbling out of her. This was perfect! “That’s what I’ve been saying!” She looked up at Potter and laughed harder at his expression. Oh this was just priceless!
“I DID ask her!” Potter growled. “Several times!”
The doctor frowned in confusion. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. If you have asked her several times then why does Puck say that you haven’t?”
“Because she’s crazy! Didn’t you see her little stunt with the ‘Gracie’ thing?”
“HEY!”
“What we have here is an obvious lack of communication. Let’s try a little exercise. Puck tell Potter exactly what you want from him. Potter you are going to listen. Try to use I language. For instance: When you do this I feel like this. Next Potter will speak and you will listen Puck.”
“Sounds good to me!” Puck said clapping her hands together and facing Potter. She grinned up at him and began, “Potter…baby…I feel like you don’t listen when I tell you that you HAVEN’T proposed to me. I feel like you have some kind of mental disability-
“HEY! That’s not allowed!” Potter, the little snitch, objected in a high pitched voice.
“Actually, I think that mental disability correctly sums up how many women feel about their husband’s listening abilities. Continue, Puck.”
Puck smirked before adding, “Like I was saying, I feel like you don’t listen. Even now, you keep interrupting me. I told you that you didn’t propose to me, but you just get defensive!”
Puck took a deep breath. She’d been joking earlier, but now that she had his undivided attention, not to mention witnesses, she had some stuff to get off her chest. “I feel like all you do is boss me around. I didn’t want to come here, and you knew I wouldn’t so you lied to me! And you treat me like a child! You always think you know best, but I’m older than you! Sometimes I feel like you don’t respect me.”
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