by Annie Lyons
‘To the best holiday ever!’ echoed the cry.
Cat glanced over at Finn. He was smiling as he raised his glass in her direction. ‘To holiday-Cat,’ he said.
‘I like holiday-Cat,’ declared Ellie, wrapping her arms around Cat’s neck.
‘Why thank you, Ellie.’ Cat smiled, patting on her arm.
‘You know I said that I didn’t like you?’ continued Ellie.
‘Yes?’
‘I’ve changed my mind,’ reported Ellie.
‘Oh yes?’
‘I actually love you, Cat.’
Cat looked into the little girl’s eyes. It was like a mirror to her younger self and caught Cat unawares. She pulled Ellie in for a hug. ‘I love you too, Ells,’ she said, taking comfort from the embrace.
Ellie looked up at her. ‘Can we have an ice-cream now, please?’
Everyone laughed. ‘Ellie, do you know what cupboard love is?’ asked Cat with a wry smile.
‘No,’ replied Ellie wide-eyed.
Cat laughed. ‘Never mind. Can you fetch my purse, please? It’s in that bag over there.’ Ellie trotted off obediently. As she pulled the purse out of Cat’s bag, it fell open, spilling some of the contents onto the floor.
‘Oops,’ said Ellie, scrabbling to pick them up.
Cat felt her stomach lurch as she saw a scattering of passport-size photographs. She jumped up. ‘I’ll get those, Ellie.’
‘No, it’s all right,’ said the little girl unawares. She picked up the items. ‘Oh, it’s a little photo. Daddy’s got this one by his bed. It’s your mum and dad, isn’t it?’
Cat’s chest tightened at the exposed secret, a hidden truth she usually kept to herself. ‘Yes, it is,’ she said.
‘Sorry, Cat. I didn’t mean to make you sad,’ said Ellie, handing back the picture.
Cat took the photograph and stared at it. She realised that all eyes were on her but instead of tucking it away again, she carried the photo back to her chair and sat down. She felt her niece’s hand on her arm. ‘This is your other granny and grandpa,’ she said quietly, holding up the picture for Ellie and Charlie to see.
‘What were their names?’ asked Ellie boldly.
‘Ellie,’ warned Charlie.
‘No, it’s okay, Charlie,’ said Cat. She was reminded of how brave he had been telling her his secrets earlier and it gave her courage. ‘Their names were Julia and William Nightingale.’ She hadn’t said these names out loud for so long, her utterance came out as a whisper, as if expressing something sacred.
‘Granny is very pretty,’ said Ellie.
There was something about Ellie’s matter-of-fact casting of Julia as Granny that lifted Cat’s heart whilst at the same time making her feel so very sad that they had never met. ‘She was beautiful.’ Cat nodded, blinking back the promise of tears. ‘She would have loved you,’ she added with a fond smile.
‘What were they like?’ asked Charlie.
It was as if she’d opened an old box of forgotten letters or childhood treasures and rather than wanting to shut the lid again, Cat felt an unexpected and overwhelming urge to share her memories.
‘Mum was…’ she searched for the words, struggling to define it like you would struggle to define love or anger ‘…she was everything a mum should be.’ She paused and smiled as thoughts flooded her mind like a breaking wave. ‘She was kind and funny, but strict too. She dressed beautifully, which is why I like clothes, I think. She never went out without make-up. She once told me that if I only had time for either breakfast or make-up, I should miss breakfast.’ Cat laughed. ‘She was clever too. She loved us. Very much.’ Cat’s voice trailed away.
‘And what about your dad?’ Finn’s voice was a surprise. Cat had almost forgotten he was there. She glanced at him, his eyes sparkling in the candlelight. Daisy had climbed onto his lap and was resting against his chest. His gaze was gentle and encouraging. Cat felt at that moment that she could tell him anything.
‘He was like Mum in lots of ways, apart from the thing about make-up.’ She gave a small chuckle. ‘He was very funny; we had lots of laughs together and he loved music too. I always remember our house being full of people and music and laughter. They liked to have parties, liked to be sociable and sometimes we got to stay up. I remember dancing with him; he would scoop me up and swing me round and round. He was the one who first called me Cat.’ She brushed away a tear and looked out to sea, trying to regain her composure.
‘They look cool,’ said Ellie, putting an arm around Cat’s shoulder, leaning in to look at the picture again.
Cat glanced down at the photo and smiled at her dear, much-missed parents. ‘They were very cool. This was taken at a friend’s wedding. They certainly knew how to dress. Look at Dad’s suit – those lapels! And Mum’s dress. She always looked so effortlessly glamorous, like a screen goddess.’
‘Like that lady on your wall at work?’
Cat was amazed that Ellie remembered. ‘Yes, like Grace Kelly,’ murmured Cat.
‘They look really happy,’ observed Charlie.
‘They were. Very happy,’ admitted Cat.
‘It’s so sad that they died,’ said Ellie simply. Cat bit her lip and stared out to sea. She could feel buried sadness welling up inside and knew that if she started to cry, she might not be able to stop.
‘Charlie?’ said Finn softly. ‘Could you take the girls to get an ice-cream, please?’
Charlie’s eyes shifted from Finn to Cat and he understood. ‘Come on, Ellie, Daisy. I think the kiosk might close soon. We don’t want to miss out, do we?’
‘Oh, okay,’ said Ellie, oblivious to what was going on. She planted a tiny kiss on Cat’s cheek before skipping off with her brother and friend.
Cat sat very still, her breathing shallow, her throat tight. Finn knelt down in front of her and tried to take her hands. ‘Don’t,’ she gasped, pulling away.
‘Let me in, Cat.’
The look she gave him was desperate. ‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
She exhaled. ‘I’m scared.’
He reached out a hand and smoothed a piece of stray hair away from her face. ‘Of what?’
She stared into his eyes, glimpsing hope, possibility and everything she had denied herself for the longest time. ‘Of being as happy as they were and losing everything like they did.’
He gazed at her, a look of such tenderness on his face. ‘You don’t need to be scared. Your parents’ death was a terrible tragedy but that doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to you. You can’t deny yourself the chance of happiness because of it.’
‘I thought I was happy,’ said Cat.
‘And now?’
‘I feel as if I’m falling and I don’t know what to do,’ she whispered.
Finn took hold of her hands and this time she let him, feeling her heartbeat quicken at the coolness of his touch. ‘So let yourself fall. I promise I’ll catch you.’
Cat looked into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, shining in the candlelight. She hesitated but only for a second before taking his face in her hands and kissing his lips, tasting the raw sweetness of him and wanting more. They kissed as if it were the first and last time and then he cupped her face in his hands and gazed at her. ‘Now that has to be the perfect ending to the perfect day.’
‘It’s not over yet,’ she smiled, before leaning forward and kissing him again.
By the time the children returned, they were sitting on the edge of the promenade, looking out to sea. Finn had his arm draped over Cat’s shoulder. Ellie and Daisy plonked themselves either side of the adults, apparently unaware that anything had happened between them. They were far more intent on demolishing their ice-creams. Charlie seemed to have guessed something and gave Cat a shy smile as he sat down next to his sister.
The light was fading and the sky was scattered with myriads of stars. They instinctively gazed up in awe. Cat nestled against Finn as they watched in contented silence. Something darted past her line of vision
.
‘A shooting star!’ cried Daisy.
‘Make a wish,’ commanded Ellie, closing her eyes tightly.
Cat felt Finn pull her closer as he whispered in her ear. ‘What did you wish for?’
She smiled, planting a small secret kiss on his cheek. ‘Now that would be telling.’
Chapter Nineteen
Cat felt like a teenager during the last days of the holiday, as if they were sneaking around fearful that their parents, or in this case the children, might discover the truth. Cat had to confess that she rather enjoyed stealing secret kisses with Finn. It felt deliciously illicit but also gave her a chance to get used to the idea of a man in her life. She had time to sit back and get to know him better without the complication of sex. If she had met Finn in her usual social setting, without these pint-sized chaperones in tow, she would have very likely slept with him by now.
On the first night after they’d returned from the beach there was an immediate tacit understanding that anything beyond kissing and talking was out of the question for the moment. After the kids had gone to bed, they sat together on the sofa and talked properly for the first time. There was no skirting round the issues now. Cat knew that she could tell Finn anything and, more importantly, she wanted to.
‘Where were you when you found out about your parents?’ asked Finn. They were lying at opposites ends of the sofa. Every now and then he reached out a hand to stroke her feet. It felt very intimate but also unexpectedly natural.
‘We were staying with my grandparents. Mum and Dad thought I was still too young to look after Andrew on my own and we loved staying with Granny and Gramps,’ said Cat with a fond smile. ‘Granny was an even more elegant version of Mum.’ Finn’s gaze was steady and kind, giving her the courage to continue. ‘Mum and Dad left just after lunch. They were excited to be going away for a night. Mum was wearing this new dress she’d bought – it was peach-coloured silk and she wore a headscarf and shades. She looked – well, she just looked perfect.’
‘I remember my dad standing there, smiling at her as if he couldn’t believe how lucky he was, as if she were the only woman in the world. I can remember Mum cupping Andrew’s face in her hands and kissing him on the forehead and the way she embraced me. She looked me in the eye and said, “When did you get so tall?” Because we were almost the same height by then. Then she pressed her cheek to mine and whispered, “My beautiful girl,” and they were gone in a flurry of excitement.
‘That night, as I pulled my T-shirt over my head, I could smell the citrus scent of her perfume from that embrace. I never washed that T-shirt and I tried for years to find the perfume but I think they stopped making it.’ Cat’s voice trailed off as fresh grief washed over her. ‘It was too soon,’ she gasped. ‘It was too bloody soon. I needed them. Andrew needed them.’ Finn moved to a sitting position, wrapping his arms around her, enveloping her with love. ‘I still need them,’ she sobbed. Finn didn’t speak. There were no words he could offer and Cat was grateful that he didn’t try. It was enough that he was there, holding her, letting her cry.
She felt as if she had nearly twenty years of tears to shed, but what surprised her most was the relief. It was unexpectedly liberating to finally tell someone how she felt but, above all, she was glad it was Finn. She felt at ease with him. Cat recognised this as an entirely new sensation and she had to admit that it was rather wonderful too. Finn held her until she was calmer and then reached behind her head for a tissue. He wiped away her tears and kissed her tenderly.
‘I’m sorry. I must look a state,’ she sniffed.
‘Don’t ever be sorry for how you feel and as for your appearance…’ he paused to push her hair back from her face and plant a kiss on the corner of her mouth ‘…you have never looked more beautiful.’
‘Liar!’ laughed Cat, hitting him on the arm. He grinned. ‘I suppose you think I’m a fool for allowing my grief to hold me back,’ she said, studying his face for a response.
Finn kissed her again. ‘“Fool” is not a word I would use for you, Cat Nightingale.’ He smiled. ‘But I do know that you can’t live in the shadow of the past. And from what you’ve told me about them, that’s the last thing your parents would want for you.’
Cat nodded. ‘I know. It’s strange because I thought I was living in the present, when really I was being held back by ignoring the past. It just became easy to live life that way but now…’
‘Now?’ asked Finn, his eyes wide and hopeful.
Cat leant over to kiss him. ‘Now I am revising my official policy.’
He grinned. ‘I’m very glad to hear it.’
‘And what about you?’ asked Cat. ‘You’ve done a very good job of not letting the past hold you back.’
Finn nodded. ‘At first it made me angry at the world. I used to get into a lot of fights at the home. But Ronnie made me realise what a wasted emotion that is.’
‘She’s a wise one, your sister.’
‘She is,’ admitted Finn. ‘And then I discovered music. You can’t be angry when you’re playing music. Unless you’re into thrash metal.’ Cat laughed, reaching out a hand to stroke his cheek. Finn smiled. ‘I suppose it all clicked into place the day Daisy was born.’ Cat studied his face. It was a picture of warmth and joy as he recalled the memory. ‘Ronnie wanted me to be there but I was under strict instructions to stay away from the business end of things.’ Finn smirked at the memory, making Cat smile.
‘Ronnie was amazing. I mean, she’s pretty tough at the best of times, but it was as if she’d become this other being, sort of primal and fierce and completely determined. She knew exactly what to do and I was proud to be by her side. One minute she was squeezing my hand, eyes fixed forwards, steely and determined and suddenly, Daisy was there. She gave this little squawk like she was announcing her presence and then she seemed to turn her face to her mum and then me. I know babies can’t see at first but it was if she was sizing us up and saying, “You’ll do.” And that was that for me. The most important people in the world were in that room and beyond that, nothing else really mattered.’ Finn turned his gaze on Cat and smiled. ‘Until now.’ Cat stared into his eyes and leaned forward to kiss him. It was a long, lingering kiss, which became increasingly passionate.
Cat could feel Finn’s hands moving down her body and she gently pushed him away. ‘We have to stop. What if the kids wake up?’ Finn was kissing her neck, pretending not to hear as he worked his way along her collarbone. She shivered with delight but gave him another shove. ‘Finn?’ He glanced up at her and moved his body towards her, covering her mouth with his. Cat felt the heat rise up inside her, urgent with longing. It would be so easy to give in. She pushed at his shoulders and held his face in her hands. ‘Stop. We have to stop.’
Finn sighed and moved to a sitting position. ‘You’re right but it’s taking all my powers of restraint.’
Cat sat up and leant forwards, whispering in his ear. ‘You will get your chance soon,’ she purred. He turned and they kissed again, slowly and deeply.
‘I’m taking that kiss as a promise,’ he said as they pulled away.
The next couple of days were exquisite agony. Cat felt a surge of excitement every time they stole a secret kiss or she felt Finn’s touch. She couldn’t recall the last time she’d felt this way or wanted something more. She supposed she’d had similar feelings for Jesse once but in truth, this was very different.
They packed up the cars early on the final day. ‘Why are we in such a hurry?’ complained Ellie as Cat bundled them into the car.
‘Don’t you want to get back to see Daddy?’ asked Cat.
‘Ye-es, but I’m sad to leave our cottage. Can we come here again?’
‘I think we should.’ Cat smiled. ‘Okay, I’m going to check the house one more time and say goodbye to Finn.’ She waved at Daisy who was already sitting in Finn’s car and bounded back into the cottage. He caught her as they met in the hallway and pinned her against the wall with a kiss so intense Cat felt breat
hless.
‘And that’s my promise of things to come,’ he whispered into her ear. ‘Don’t be late.’
‘I’m never late,’ she murmured, gazing at him. Finn closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers before pulling away. He held onto her hand as he walked away and gave it a chivalrous kiss before letting go.
Cat cursed every traffic jam and red light on her way home, willing the cars to move out of the way. She felt heady with excitement as she pulled up outside her brother’s house.
‘Here we are!’ she cried, leaping from the driver’s seat and running round to let the children out. She threw open the boot and pulled out two bags. Andrew had already spotted the car and was jogging down the steps to meet them.
‘Hello!’ he said, ruffling Charlie’s hair and accepting a leg hug from Ellie. ‘Good journey?’
‘Yes. Great,’ replied Cat, pulling the remaining luggage out of the boot and following Andrew up to the house.
‘Fancy a tea?’ he asked as they entered the hall.
‘No I’m fine, thanks. I should probably get off,’ she said with a brisk smile.
‘Where are you off to in such a hurry?’
‘Nowhere,’ replied Cat a little too quickly.
‘She’s going round to kiss Finn,’ reported Ellie. Cat stared down at her niece, open-mouthed. ‘Daisy and me saw you kissing. It was a bit yucky to be honest.’
Andrew stared at his sister with eyebrows raised. ‘Oh yes?’
Cat gave a small cough. ‘And on that bombshell, I should really get going. Bye, kids. Thanks for a brilliant holiday. See you on Monday.’
‘Bye, Auntie Cat. Love you,’ said Ellie, wrapping her arms around her aunt.
‘Yeah, bye, Cat,’ added Charlie shyly. ‘And thanks.’
‘Bye.’ Cat smiled.
Andrew followed her to the car. ‘So,’ he said with a wry grin. ‘Finn not the know-it-all irritant you dismissed him as?’
‘Okay,’ replied Cat, giving him a playful shove. ‘Don’t gloat. You were right. He’s one of the good guys.’
Andrew wrapped his sister in a tight hug. ‘I’m really happy for you, sis, and thank you. For everything.’