Ethan whispered in her ear, “Now aren’t you glad you gave in and came with me to Montana?”
She answered without hesitation. “Oh, yeah.” No matter what happened—or didn’t happen—between the two of them, she was happy she had come here, happy to be calling Thunder Canyon her home.
“Let’s dance,” he said a few minutes later, after the last bright fountain of flame had lit up the night. He led her back inside and took her in his arms.
She surrendered to the moment then. To the feel of his big body pressed close to hers, to the touch of his hand at the small of her back. She thought of the years she had been with him and how fast, in retrospect, they had flown by.
Too soon, the night was over.
They went home to his house, to his bed. They made love and it was sweet and hot and perfect. Then he pulled her close.
They slept. Together. For the last time.
In the morning, they each had a closing to go to. His was at ten and hers at eleven, both in the same title company’s conference room. Ethan stayed on after he closed on his office building to be there for Lizzie when she signed the endless series of papers finalizing her sale.
By noon that day, she owned her bakery.
Ethan had agreed to meet some business associates for a late lunch in Bozeman. He wanted her to come with him. She said she couldn’t. She had a million things to do.
“I’ll see you around five or so, then?” he asked so easily. As if he’d totally forgotten that today was the last day, the day they’d agreed to say goodbye.
So, had the fact that it was ending between them just slipped his mind? That seemed impossible. But then again, Ethan could be oblivious when it came to personal relationships, especially when he didn’t want to face what was happening.
Or maybe he did remember. And he was fine with it.
They were standing on the sidewalk outside the title company offices. It was neither the time nor the place to ask him if he happened to remember that she was leaving him that day.
So she forced a smile and leaned close to brush a quick kiss against his warm lips. “See you at five.”
At the house, she longed to head for the kitchen and start baking. She felt so awful about leaving him and baking would have soothed her.
But no. She really was going. Today, as she’d planned.
She started packing. It didn’t take all that long. Most of her stuff was still in Midland, in storage, and at Ethan’s house there. She’d already made arrangements to have it all shipped to the shop. The apartment upstairs was fully furnished. Aubert Pelletier had given her a great price on not only the shop, all its contents and the building, but also the contents of the living quarters. She would have no problem getting by until the bulk of her things arrived next week.
Because she knew that Ethan wouldn’t be back for hours yet, she put everything in her van and drove on over to Main Street, where she lugged her suitcases up the stairs and put all her clothes away in the larger bedroom at the back of the building.
So strange to imagine herself living here. She felt kind of numb at the prospect. Her dream was finally coming true and it felt just a little too much like a dream—meaning slightly unreal.
But it was going to happen. She would be sleeping here. Tonight, as a matter of fact.
She stood at the window that looked out over Main Street and thought again how charming and homey Thunder Canyon was. It was going to be fine. It was all going to work out perfectly.
And for right now, it was best to keep moving. To do what needed doing. To leave no time for wishing that certain things could be different, no time for brooding over the fact that tonight was not only her first night in the apartment, but it was also the night she would have to find a way to say goodbye to the man she loved.
She went into the kitchen where she plugged in the refrigerator and went through all the cabinets. Thanks to Aubert Pelletier’s willingness to leave so much behind, she had all the basics: dishes, flatware, utensils, pots and pans.
She had no linens, though. She should have thought of that. And she would also need food. So she grabbed her keys and headed over to the JCPenney in the New Town Mall, where she loaded up a shopping cart with a mattress cover, pillows, sheets and blankets in addition to towels and washcloths and the like. After Penney’s, she stopped in at a supermarket to stock up on food and sundries.
At the apartment, she lugged the linens to the small service porch off the kitchen. She stuck the sheets in the washer half of the stacked washer/dryer and started the cycle. Then she made three more trips up and down the stairs, hauling in the groceries. She put everything away, transferred the sheets to the dryer and stuck the towels in the washer.
By then it was almost five and she knew that Ethan would be back at the house anytime now. She wanted to be there when he arrived. To thank him for everything.
To maybe, just possibly, try to get up the courage to say what was in her heart—yes, she knew he was a total commitment-phobe. But still, it didn’t seem right to walk away without telling him exactly how she felt about him.
And then, if telling him she loved him changed nothing, to wish him well. And say goodbye.
She returned to the house.
When the garage door rumbled up, she saw that his SUV was already inside. Her heart lurched at the sight.
One big fat moment of truth, coming right up.
As she jumped down from the van, the inside door to the house opened. “Don’t you ever answer your cell?” Ethan demanded in a tone that wasn’t exactly angry, but close. “I got home at four. And I called you twice.”
She shut the door to the van and fumbled in her purse until she found her cell. Two missed calls. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t hear it ringing. And you know, sometimes, with all the mountains around, there are dead spots. The calls don’t get through when you make them. It’s possible that the phone never did ring and I…” Sheesh. She was babbling. She needed to stop that.
“You what?” He stepped back so she could enter.
“Never mind. I’m sorry, all right? I’m just…sorry.”
For that, she got nothing. He waited for her to come in.
She did. She crossed the threshold and then she hesitated. Where to go? After all, she didn’t live there anymore.
And he was not helping. All he did was shut the door and stand there some more. So she turned and started walking until she reached her favorite place in any house. The kitchen.
She went to the table, pulled out her usual chair and sat down.
He hung back in the doorway, looking distinctly suspicious. “Okay, Lizzie,” he said finally. “What’s going on?”
She bit her lip. “Ethan, I…” The words just wouldn’t come.
“Your apron,” he accused. “It’s missing.” He marched over, opened the pantry door and pointed at the empty hook on the back of it. “And I went to your room. Everything of yours is gone.”
She gave a wimpy little sweep of her hand toward the chair across from her. “Come on, sit down. Please.”
He looked at her as if he wouldn’t mind strangling her. “You moved out. Just like that. While I was in Bozeman.”
“Ethan, we agreed that—”
He put up a hand. “Uh-uh. Don’t give me that. We talked about it almost two weeks ago. Once. Nothing specific was said.”
“That’s not so. We agreed—”
“—today would be your last day working for me, yeah. But that’s all. You never once mentioned you were just going to pack your stuff and go.”
Softly, she asked, “What exactly did you think I would do?”
“Not this.” He shut the pantry door. Hard. “Not this, that’s for damn sure.”
She had no idea where to go from there. Nothing she might have said seemed right or appropriate. So she just sat there, mute, wondering if maybe the thing to do was to simply get up and go.
Finally, he came toward her in long strides. Her pulse accelerated. She really had no
idea where this was going.
But then he only yanked out his chair and dropped into it. “All right. I’m sitting. Talk.”
“Ethan, come on…”
He only glared at her. “Talk.”
“I just… I’m sorry. I truly am. I didn’t want it to turn out like this. But it’s only that I, well, I can’t…” Lord, she was making a hash of this.
Apparently, he thought so, too. He made a scoffing sound. “You can’t what?”
Say it, a brave voice in her head commanded. Just tell him. Get it over with. “I… Look. I’ve tried, okay? I’ve really tried. To…live in the moment. To just be with you and not think about where what we have is going. Because I know you. I know what you want out of life and it’s not what I want.”
He braced both forearms on the table and loomed closer, still glaring. “You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”
“Ethan, you’re acting really strange. Huffing around. Slamming doors. It’s not like you at all.”
He sat back in the chair and let out a slow, careful breath. He looked away, then back at her again. Now, in his eyes she saw hurt. He was hurt that she was leaving him.
The last thing she’d wanted was to hurt him.
He said, “You know it’s not over with us.” Now his voice was low and soft. Too soft. “Everything’s been going great. I don’t get it, that’s all. Why walk out on a good thing?”
Tell him. Do it. Say it now. “I love you, Ethan.” She said the words and she instantly wanted to take them back, but she didn’t. She pushed ahead, eager to finish it, to get it all out there, to give him the truth as she knew it. “I’m in love with you. Yes, I’ve had a great time these past couple of weeks, but I want a lot more from you than a really good time. I want to marry you. I want you for the rest of our lives.”
“Oh.” He gulped. Yes, he did. He actually gulped. She watched in despair as his Adam’s apple bounced up and then down. And then he coughed into his hand.
Lizzie didn’t know whether to burst into hysterical laughter or break down in tears. Somehow, she managed to do neither. She held it together. “I don’t want to be just your girlfriend for a little while longer. Until you get tired of me. Until you’re ready to move on. I’d rather have it end now, when it’s still good between us. I’d rather walk away with a little dignity. I’d rather spare us both all the crap that happens later, when it’s finally just too painfully obvious that I want more than you want and we can’t deny that anymore. So I’m just telling you right out that I’m in love with you and I’ve had such a beautiful, magical time, living in the moment with you. But you know, I’ve learned that I just can’t go on with this anymore, that living in the moment doesn’t work for me. Not unless the moment is connected to an endless chain of moments. A lifetime of moments of you and me, together, building a future, making a family.”
He spoke in a ragged voice. “Married. My God. It’s not like I didn’t know it. I did know it.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.
Was she giving him a headache? It sure looked as if she was.
She felt a little insulted. And a little sorry for him. But mostly, she just loved him and wished that this could be over. Or that there had been some better, more graceful way to do this.
“Well?” he demanded. “Just tell me. If I said right now that I would marry you, would you stay?”
“No,” she said simply. Because she didn’t want marriage. Not like this. No way.
“But you just said—”
“Ethan. Stop.”
“But I don’t—”
“Seriously, stop. Remember that night I told you that you were being an ass?”
His eyes narrowed. He muttered, “Yeah. I remember.”
“Well, you’re doing it again, okay? Stop.”
He raked his fingers back through his hair and said a few bad words in quick succession. “I would do it. All right? I would marry you. That’s how I feel right now. I would marry you to keep you with me. I would do anything. Just about any damn thing you said I had to do. Because…you do it for me, Lizzie. You do it for me in every way. And if marriage is what you need to make it work for you, well, okay. Marriage it will be, then.”
Lizzie only stared at him. How strange. He was offering her what she wanted most, and yet there was no way, under these circumstances, that she could accept his proposition.
He shot her a hot, fuming glance. “Well? Don’t sit there looking at me like I just shot your dog. What do you say?”
She held his eyes. She refused to look away. “I already said it. No. No way. I happen to believe in marriage, Ethan. I believe in two people, together, making the best life they can. I believe in love and commitment and a white dress and a diamond ring. I believe in you, and that’s the God’s truth. And I believe you’re better than this.”
Her tears clogged her throat now. They couldn’t be stopped. Her nose was hot and her eyes were burning. The salty wetness broke the dam of her lower eyelids and trailed slowly down her cheek. She swiped them away. And then she shoved back her chair, went to the counter and whipped a few tissues from the box waiting there.
He was still sitting where she’d left him, watching her, his eyes dark and haunted. And then he started to rise. “Don’t cry, Lizzie. Damn it. Don’t cry.”
“No!” She stuck out a hand. “Don’t, okay? Just…don’t.”
He sank back into the chair.
She blew her nose, dried her cheeks, turned to toss the soggy tissues in the trash bin under the sink. Finally, when she turned to him again, she brought up her hands and pressed the cool tips of her fingers against her eyelids.
He said, “It’s only…I came home and you weren’t here. And I knew, you know? I knew that you were moving out. I wasn’t surprised, but I was pissed off all of a sudden. I was just really mad. Lizzie, I don’t get this. You. Me. This whole thing. I, well, I like my life the way it is. But then, I think of my life without you and I hate it. You know?”
She did know. She knew too well.
Slowly, she lowered her hands from her face and met his gaze. And then she told him, her voice barely above a whisper, “I can’t say yes to you when you don’t even know if my saying yes is what you really want. That would be wrong, all wrong, for both of us. There has to be…joy in it, Ethan. You have to come to me with your mind and your heart wide-open.”
All his previous anger was gone now. He only looked hurt and confused. And in his eyes she saw his longing. For her. For what they had together. For the years of true friendship. And for the last few brief, glorious days when there had been so much more. “I…don’t know how to give you what you want, Lizzie. I don’t know how to be that guy. Not everybody’s like you. Not everybody wants to settle down and live happily ever after.”
Her eyes were dry by then. She understood what she had to do.
She went to him. He watched her approach, his gaze wary and yet somehow tender, too. When she stood above him, she took his handsome face in her two hands and she bent down close. She pressed her lips to his.
He sighed against her mouth. “Lizzie…” But at least he didn’t reach for her.
She made herself straighten to her height again. She made herself step back from him, moving over to the chair she had left, dipping to grab her bag and settle it over her shoulder. “Goodbye, Ethan.”
He said nothing.
She passed in front of him to get to the door. He didn’t try to stop her.
And that, she told herself, was for the best. She went out the way she had come in, through the garage, opening the outer door with the button on the wall, taking the remote opener out of her van and leaving it on the front passenger seat of his SUV, where he would see it the next time he used the car.
She got in the van, started it up, backed down the driveway and headed for Old Town. Her new life was waiting for her.
Too bad her chest felt hollow, echoing with emptiness. As if she’d torn out her heart
and left it behind.
Chapter Fourteen
The next day, Ethan’s new assistant arrived from Midland. Her name was Kay Bausch. Kay was fifty-two and had been with TOI for over two decades, assisting several different executives in various departments. She was smart and efficient, a widow who’d wanted a new start in a different town. She took an apartment in a complex in New Town and went to work right away, setting up shop in the new office building on State Street.
Ethan didn’t look for a housekeeper at first. He couldn’t bear the thought of having to see some other woman in the kitchen, doing what Lizzie had always done, the cooking. The cleaning up.
But within a week, the house started looking really bad. He kept thinking he would clean the damn place up himself. But he was working long hours, getting TOI Montana going, and traveling around the state a lot. Eventually, he had to accept that he possessed neither the time nor the inclination to whip the place back into shape.
He lucked out when he went to dinner at Tori and Connor McFarlane’s on the second Wednesday of the month. Tori told him that her housekeeper had a sister who was looking for a steady housekeeping job. The woman’s children were grown, but there was a husband. She didn’t want to live in, which was fine with Ethan. He didn’t want some stranger living in Lizzie’s rooms anyway.
Her name was Norma Stahl. She came the next morning. She was quiet and she worked fast. When she left that evening, the house was spotless and there was meat loaf in the oven.
It was nine days since Lizzie had left him. And he’d already succeeded in finding her replacements both at home and on the job. He had a very capable assistant and a pleasant, hardworking housekeeper. Things could have been worse.
Or so he kept trying to tell himself.
If only he didn’t miss Lizzie every moment of every day. If only he didn’t feel so damn lonely. If only life without Lizzie hadn’t turned out even worse than he’d thought it was going to be.
Allaire had him over for dinner that Friday. Casually, his cousin’s wife mentioned that she’d seen Lizzie several times in the past few days. Lizzie had hired Allaire to paint the new sign that would go over the bakery door. And the place was really coming together—new paint, new light fixtures, that sort of thing. Lizzie had hired someone to help on the counter and was training someone else to assist her with the baking.
Resisting Mr. Tall, Dark & Texan Page 17