by Erin Lyon
“Why it isn’t enough?” he asked.
When he finished my question, I broke down sobbing. He undid his seat belt, then mine, and pulled me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and I cried on his shoulder while he cried on mine.
We sat like that for what seemed an eternity. When it was clear we had both stopped crying, he began to pull away slightly and I scooched back into the passenger seat. We both spent another minute drying our faces and wiping our eyes.
I made a steadying sigh. “I think I had trouble coming to this decision because I’m so afraid of not having you in my life.”
Jonathan nodded. “I get that. You’re one of my best friends, too.”
He reached over and grasped my hand again. “But, I think, while you love me and I’m in love with you, it would be better for me to have a little space for a while. Because, right now, I don’t think I can be around you and not want more.”
A few more errant tears trickled down my face. I nodded.
He squeezed my hand then, hard enough to feel like the bones were rubbing together, making it hurt a little. It didn’t matter, though, because everything else hurt, too.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too,” I echoed, swallowing hard. Afraid we would fall into round two of the blubbering mess thing, I slipped my hand from his grasp and got out of the car. He stayed parked at the sidewalk until I was inside and had closed the door behind me. I watched him drive away before sliding to the floor to resume my breakdown.
After crying on the floor for a few minutes, I looked at my phone, wanting desperately to reach out to someone. Someone who would tell me everything would be okay. That I wasn’t making a huge mistake. Or just someone to hold the pieces of me together for a bit.
Logek was on her first date with Jared tonight, so I definitely wasn’t going to interrupt that.
Screw it. I dialed Adam’s number. He answered on the first ring.
“Kate. How are you?”
“Okay. What are you up to?”
“Just hanging out at home, actually. Why? What’s up?”
“Can I come over?”
“Of course. I’ll meet you in the parking garage, okay?”
“Yeah. Perfect. See you in a few.”
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
* * *
I drove over to Adam’s, doing some deep breathing, determined to stop the ridiculous heartbreak that had taken over. I was patting my cheeks dry, trying to look less blotchy, as I pulled into the parking garage of Adam’s apartment building.
I parked in a visitor spot and got out of the car. I looked over and Adam was standing by the elevators, wearing long shorts and a T-shirt. His hands were buried in his pockets and he looked concerned.
As I approached him, he pulled his hands from his pockets, and the worry on his face wrecked me. A few feet from him, I burst into tears once again, and he started walking toward me. By the time we closed the distance between us, he had wrapped me in a suffocating hug, one arm tightly around my lower back and one across my shoulders so that his hand was on the back of my head, holding it against his chest.
“Oh, Kate,” he whispered against my ear. “I knew you sounded upset.”
I continued to cry against him for another minute in the (thankfully) abandoned parking garage.
When I stopped crying and pulled back from him, he brushed a broad thumb across my cheek. “Let’s go upstairs.”
I followed him into the elevator and then into his apartment.
“Want something? I have some wine.”
I nodded.
I heard him moving around in the kitchen for a couple minutes before he came back, putting a glass in my hand.
I sat in an armchair facing his beautiful picture window and took a drink.
Adam sat down on the coffee table in front of me, resting his forearms on his thighs. He reached out and tucked a piece of hair that had fallen across my face behind my ear.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?”
I frowned. Shook my head. “I barely know. I guess I ended things with Jonathan for good.”
Adam looked surprised. “That’s big.”
I nodded, feeling like the crying was going to start again. “Yeah, but it was my decision. I was letting him go. So why does it hurt this much?”
Adam tilted his head at me, looking sympathetic. “Because he was a huge part of your life.”
I nodded.
“And it’s always hard to let go of someone who meant that much to us.”
I nodded again, swallowing hard.
“But I love him,” I said.
Now Adam nodded.
“But,” I said, shaking my head, “just not the right way anymore.” When I said it, more tears started falling.
Adam reached out a hand and rubbed my knee until I sniffed and got the crying in check once again.
“I’ve just loved him as long as I can remember,” I said quietly. “I never thought that could change.”
His hand was still absently rubbing my knee. He was looking at me like he was thinking about what I’d said. “Sometimes we can’t control these things. Besides, Kate, it changed after he broke your heart. That doesn’t exactly make you fickle, because your feelings for him changed after he ended things.”
I sniffed. “He said the same thing. Kept telling me this was his fault, not mine.” I started crying again. “He was so heartbroken, though. I just hated seeing him like that.”
“Of course you do. He may have screwed up, letting you go, but he’s still a good guy and it’s only natural that you wouldn’t want to hurt him.”
I sighed and dried my face. Again. I chuckled a little and gestured at my puffy, tearstained face. “I just never expected to react like this. Not when I was the one ending it.”
Adam smiled at me. “There’s nothing small about what you let go of tonight. Letting go is hard. I completely understand why you’re upset.”
“Thank you. Sorry for dropping in on you like this. Logek is out with Jared.”
“Oh, she is, huh? You definitely don’t want to throw a monkey wrench into that date,” he said with a grin.
“Exactly.”
“I’m really glad you called, Kate.”
I smiled and sighed, settling into the chair. I took a sip of wine and let the calm settle through me. “Wow, sorry for that whole display. Hope I didn’t scare you off from wanting to be my friend.”
He laughed a little and made an awkward smile that showed his dimple. “I told you—I’m glad you came to me. You can come to me anytime.”
“Be careful what you offer,” I said.
I got some more uncomfortable smiles from him, coupled with some sporadic eye contact.
“Okay,” I said, frowning. “Did I weird you out with my whole crying on your shoulder thing?”
He shook his head. “No, not in the least.”
“Okay. Well then, what’s up with you? You clearly have something on your mind.”
“It’ll keep,” he said, shaking his head dismissively. “It’s not the right time. You’ve had a rough night.”
I sighed through my nose and smiled. “Actually, I kind of feel like I just needed to get it out. Now that I have, I feel a whole lot better.”
He looked doubtful, so I gave him a reassuring smile. “Come on, Adam. This is what friends do. We share what’s on our minds.”
“Friends,” he repeated. Adam stood up and walked to his picture window and gazed out toward the river. Then he abruptly came back to where I was and sat back down on the edge of the coffee table.
“Well, actually, you can help me.”
I reached over and took his hand, frowning. “Anything.”
He nodded. “So, you know me really well. You seem to get me.”
“Sometimes better than you get yourself,” I said, raising my eyebrow.
He smiled. “Exactly. So, could you help me understand something?”
I nodded and l
eaned closer to where he was sitting on the coffee table.
“Okay, there’s something I’ve been trying to understand and, as many times as I turn it over in my mind, I seem to keep coming to the same conclusion.” He pushed his hand through his hair before refocusing on me. “I think about you, Kate. All the time.” He paused, letting his words sink in. “When I wake up in the morning, you’re my first thought. When I go to bed at night, you’re all I think about. Wondering how your day was. What you did. And I wish I was with you to hear about your day. Every day.”
I became acutely aware of the little hairs standing up on my arms, and it seemed I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. And it’s possible my mouth started to hang open a little as he continued speaking.
“And then, throughout my day, I think about a dozen things that I want to text you about. Because I think you’d find it funny. Or it would make you smile. Or because I want your opinion.” He put his hands up in the air. “Or just because I get a rush when I see your name pop up on my phone.
“When I’m bothered by anything, all I want to do is talk to you. To see the look on your face when you tell me it will be okay.
“And I worry about disappointing you.” He stopped a moment and swallowed hard before looking back into my eyes. “Kate, I haven’t been with a woman since I met you.” He shrugged. “Because I worry it would change the way you look at me. And I love the way you look at me. And I don’t want to do anything to change that. Because it matters to me more than anything.”
I was breathing heavily. He reached over and grasped my hand.
“What does it mean, Kate?”
My chest continued its obvious rise and fall, and my eyes felt misty, but with an entirely different emotion.
“What does it mean, Kate?” Adam repeated softly.
“It means, um…” My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. “It means that … you’re in love with me.” I finished the statement with all the awe that I felt.
Adam nodded. “Yeah, that’s kind of what I thought it meant, too.”
I laughed, and my breath came a little quicker.
Adam slid off the table and came to his knees in front of the chair I was still planted in. “So, I realize I’m a slow learner. Did I wait too long?”
I gave him a confused look.
“Well, I spent so much time telling you not to fall for me. Any chance I can change my position on that?”
I smiled. “Oh, don’t worry. You never had a say in that, anyway.”
“Meaning … maybe you love me, too?”
I slid onto my knees in front of him, wrapping my arms around his waist and looking up into that face that I had memorized the lines of. “I love you, too.”
He had an odd moment of disbelief pass through his eyes before he lowered his face and kissed me. It was what I’d come to realize was an Adam Kiss. Part lips, teeth, and tongue, part frightening passion.
His hands were on either side of my face, tilting my head to match his rhythm as he invaded my lips, my mouth. Then his hands slid around to the back of my head and I felt his fingers weave their way into my hair, grabbing handfuls.
He stood suddenly, pulling me up with him. Circling his arms around my waist, he picked me up, managing to keep our lips in contact. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me into his bedroom.
My heart was pounding in my chest. Does sex with Adam Lucas require a physical beforehand or anything? Because—in that moment—I was feeling a little faint. And flushed. Borderline delirious, really.
He laid me on the bed. His hands continued stroking my arms as he kissed my lips before trailing to my cheek and down to my neck. He stood and reached down, slipping off my shoes. I sat up and he reached for the bottom of my shirt, looking me in the eye a moment before stripping it off over my head.
I reached behind my back, unclasping my bra, and let it fall from my shoulders. No embarrassment this time.
His eyes took in my bare skin with such intensity that I started to tingle all over.
He put his lips to my shoulder. “You are so beautiful,” he said, trailing his lips across my collarbone before moving down. Apparently, the months I’d known Adam had all counted as foreplay, because by the time he had his mouth on me, I felt like I might explode right then. I was light-headed, and my skin felt more alive than it ever had.
As Adam unbuttoned my pants and slid the jeans downward, I could feel his fingertips leaving little streaks of fire across my skin, beginning at my hips and continuing all the way to my ankles, where he pulled the jeans over my feet. He took a moment and planted a soft kiss on top of each foot before he stood, tossing my jeans aside.
I laid back on my side and watched him strip off his shirt. I’d seen him shirtless, but that was in the “forbidden fruit” context, since we were buddies. This context kicks that context’s ass.
Then he slipped his shorts off and I got my full look at Adam for the first time. If only Michelangelo had had Adam to model for him. My eyes moved from his tight stomach and muscled legs to the man of the hour … and, for a moment, I had some genuine logistical concerns.
It must have showed on my face, because Adam smiled at me and chuckled. “Don’t worry,” he said. “We’ll go slow.”
Slow? I’m afraid if he touches me again I’ll just bubble over and that will be all she wrote.
He climbed onto the bed next to me and everything inside began to tighten like a spring. He held himself over me and looked into my eyes. Then his gaze shifted down, across the rest of me. He took a deep breath. “I’ve never been with a woman I was in love with before,” he said.
I smiled and ran my hand through the side of his hair. “Say that again.”
He smiled, playful and sincere at the same time. “I love you, Kate.” He kissed me briefly on the lips before his mouth began working downward, stopping at various points of interest like he was a tourist making memories. As his mouth moved over me, his hands seemed to have a separate agenda, taking in bits of me as though his fingertips were feeding off each new brush of skin. The combination of his mouth and his hands gave me the sensation that he was covering my whole body at once.
Each part under his mouth made me gasp and arch, while each section under the delicate touch of his fingers made me impatient and hungry for more. His mouth reached the point between my legs while his hands continued exploring my thighs, then down my calves. As expected, he’d barely begun before I reached my climax and everything went momentarily dark and sparkly like a night sky. I sat up quickly, putting my hands on the sides of his face, breathing heavy, dizzy.
His previously gentle fingers dug into my flesh a little deeper as his hands worked their way back up. He kissed my stomach and breasts as he traveled back up to where he was holding himself over me again. He pushed my arms up over my head and his hands gripped my biceps before slipping upward toward my wrists. Once there, he laced his fingers through mine and I thought about that night in his car, watching the bridge, holding hands, believing that this moment was impossible. But now, here we were.
He smiled at me. I felt him, down below, pushing lightly. “I feel like I should say something meaningful,” he said, a little breathlessly. “But nothing seems big enough.”
I laughed at that. “God, I love you,” I said.
He shook his head. “You always know what to say.”
And turns out, he lied, because from that moment forward, we didn’t take it slow. With a wicked smile, he pushed into me hard, and I simultaneously thrust my hips up to meet him, and the intensity was an exquisite mixture of pain and pleasure.
He began placing kisses along my jawline, next to my ear, along my neck, while moving inside me. Then he looked at me with a worried expression.
In between harsh breaths, he said, “I mentioned I haven’t had sex in a couple months, right?”
I nodded.
He was breathing heavier. He shook his head. “I’m not going to last,” he said, giving a sharp thrust to make his
point.
“I’m ready,” I said, reaching up to plant a kiss on his perfect lips.
He wrapped his hands behind my waist and finished in a harsh, passionate rhythm that brought us both to the edge. And then over.
He grunted loudly, holding my hips tightly against him, his fingertips deep in my skin. I wrapped my hands behind his neck, letting out a sharp cry. When he finally stopped his movement, he put his hands on each side of my face, his green eyes fixed on mine. And it was that moment that undid me. Not his beautiful admission that he loved me or the aneurysm-inducing orgasms I’d just had. It was that look. And those eyes. And all the feelings behind them, which he was making no effort to hide from me anymore.
He dropped down onto me and I wrapped my arms around him while he did the same. I held him tightly against me, feeling this delicious moment was almost surreal. I ran my hands across his wide back, taking in his smooth skin with my fingertips.
He rolled onto his side, pulling me with him, so that we were face-to-face.
“Holy shit,” he said, giving his head a little shake of disbelief.
I laughed, still breathless. “Agreed.”
“Who knew that being in love made sex so much better?”
“Right? Had you known, you might have tried that whole ‘falling in love’ thing a long time ago.”
He shook his head a little. “That wouldn’t have been possible. I hadn’t met you yet.”
I let those words spread across my skin like honey, making everything feel warm and sweet.
He was breathing heavily, and his eyes seemed fascinated as they continued across my face. “Kate,” he said softly, as a complete sentence.
“Adam,” I said, smiling.
“Kate.”
I leaned my forehead against his. “You have always used my name more than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Have I?”
I nodded.
“Hm. I’ve always loved saying it. I guess now we know why.”
I laughed and ran my hand up his bare arm.
“I just realized,” he said, propping his elbow up to rest his head against his hand, “I’m part of a couple for the first time. Kate and Adam. Adam and Kate. You know, as in ‘We should see if Kate and Adam want to come,’ or ‘Hey—Adam and Kate are here,’ or ‘Kate and Adam are running late again.’”