“I’m so fucking sorry, baby…”
“Really?” Her cold voice interrupted me. “You’re sorry?”
“I…I didn’t know…” I tried again, turning to look at the perfect boy who was still swinging, whilst also watching what was happening between his mom and a man he didn’t know. Now that I was closer, I could see how much he looked like me, and the realization that he’d existed and I hadn’t known, cut me even deeper. The fact that it was my own fault too that I hadn’t been part of his life was killing me. My self-pity, my hang ups, my stubbornness had made me miss out on three years of his life and I’d never be able to get that time back.
Looking back at Piper I waited for her to yell or do something like the Piper I knew would have. This one didn’t do any of that. She just looked at me coldly and said, “Oh poor you. You would have known if you’d have opened even one of the twenty-five letters that I’d sent since the day that I found out I was pregnant. I don’t imagine that you had an easy time of it Hunter,” looking over at our son she grinned and winked, taking my breath away. When she turned to look back at me the grin fell and she went back to being cold. “I would have helped you or been there for you, but you didn’t even give me a chance and what was worse, you didn’t even give him a chance.”
She stopped talking quickly and a tight smile took over her face. Turning to look in the boy’s direction I saw him running toward us at the same time that it hit me that I didn’t even know my son’s name. Fuck, I didn’t even know his birthday.
“Mama! Mama!” He yelled as he ran up to us and wrapped his arms around his mom’s leg, looking up at me. “Who are you?” I watched as he took in my face and had just found the words to try and answer him, when he straightened and took a step closer. “Our eyes are the same. Look,” he leaned closer to me, still holding onto Piper’s leg, and opened his eyes wider, making me grin.
“That they are,” I squatted cautiously and saw Piper move forward out of the corner of my eye and hold onto him protectively, which hurt. Looking up at her, I tried to let her know that I would never hurt him, but then I couldn’t guarantee that. There just were so many what if’s.
I was about to stand up and walk away knowing that I wasn’t good enough for either of them, when he turned to Piper and said the words that clicked a switch inside me. “That’s the man in the pictures. He’s daddy!”
Looking at Piper, I lost my balance. He knew about me. He’d known who I was all of this time, and I’d been such a fuckin’ asshole and pussy, that I hadn’t known about him because I couldn’t bring myself to open the letters his mom had sent me telling me about him.
I saw the emotions that were running through her play across her face before she turned her face slightly away from me. Hurt, anger, confusion, sadness, it was all there.
Looking back down at him, she took a couple of deep breaths and I copied her, hoping that it would calm my racing heart down. “Yeah, he’s your daddy,” she smiled at him as she pushed his hair out of his eyes. He even had the same color hair as me and my nose too. The smile fell off her face though when she looked at me as I picked myself up off the grass. “Hunter, this is Sam. Sam, this is your father, Hunter.”
I didn’t know what to expect, but the silence from the perfect little human as he looked up at me and watched what I was doing definitely wasn’t it. I smiled down at him, wanting to see the grin that he’d had while he was playing on the swings directed at me, but he turned and walked slowly toward the car instead. A muffled sob came from Piper who was still standing beside me, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the little boy whose shoulders were slumped as he looked down at his feet as he walked. Doing the math, like Griff had said, he could only be three years old, but the way he was acting now made him seem like an old man. Had I done that to him?
“He thinks you didn’t want him. We tried to tell him that that wasn’t the case, but he said if you’d wanted him you’d have called or come to see him like other daddy’s do,” Piper whispered, her voice breaking throughout it. I felt the tears falling down my face as I realized exactly what I’d done to him, and also to her. “If you intend on being in his life then do it, but I’m begging you - please don’t break my baby’s heart.”
She started walking away from me before turning back. Reaching into her back pocket, she took her wallet out and opened it up to locate a tattered looking photo. She then grabbed my hand and put it in it.
I stood and watched her walk away from me while what she had just said ran on a loop through my head; then I thought about what her dad had said to me too. I hadn’t gone and gotten help for what I knew was post-traumatic stress disorder from the different missions I’d been on. Instead, I’d become an ace at hiding it and just pushing through. Now though, I needed to get the help. That thought made me realize that I wanted what Mace, who lived in Piersville, and the others had. They’d proven that you could come out of the fires of hell and live on. They’d proven that a life after death was possible, but the same question ran on repeat through my head - was I worthy of it?
Looking down at what she’d put in my hand, I saw the photo that I’d given her before I was deployed, it was the first photo that we’d ever taken together. All this time she’d still been carrying it around with her, in a place that she would see it pretty much every day.
Reaching up to my own neck, I felt the reassuring chain that held not only my dog tags, but the ring that Piper had given me the week after I’d proposed. It had kept me safe while I was away and on so many occasions had been what had given me hope and purpose. When I’d woken up in hospital after that last mission, it had been the first thing that I’d looked for and the only thing that would calm me down.
I hated that I now held the photo I’d given Piper – it wasn’t just our first, it showed the love that we’d had between us back then. The love that I still had for her today. It wasn’t just about me and her now though, our son was involved and anything that I did now would have an effect on him too.
Walking back to my bike slowly, I started mulling over my options. Dreams versus reality, was it too late?
It was Friday, five days after Hunter had shown up, and the bar was full so we were all working flat out to keep up with the customers’ orders. As always, I was struggling to keep my thoughts off Hunter. He didn’t know where I lived, and my parents had moved when I’d moved out into my own place, so it wasn’t like he would be able to just turn up to see Sam. He knew where I worked if he wanted to be in his son’s life. Right now, I was thinking that obviously, that wasn’t the case though as he hadn’t been in touch or into the bar since that first day.
Dad had spoken to me about what Hunter might possibly have gone through while he was deployed and the effect that things like that had on military personnel and veterans. I wasn’t ignorant to the possibility of Hunter having PTSD or anxiety, but he’d returned those letters without reading them and that was what I was struggling to understand.
Turning back to the bar, I jumped when I saw the man in question sitting and watching me. Instinct had me wanting to leave and get as far away as possible, but my heart wouldn’t let me this time.
“Can we talk?” He looked pointedly at the door to dad’s office, so I lifted the hatch and walked toward it, deliberately not looking behind me to see if he was following. When he closed the door to the office behind him and the sounds of the bar faded to a dull hum, I finally turned to look at him, still not saying anything. I’d tried to talk to him for four years since he’d left, it was his turn now.
“I want to be a father to Sam,” he started, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I hadn’t expected the tears that he was making no effort to hide from me. In all the years that I’d known Hunter, I had only ever seen him cry once – when he left on his first deployment. The strong yet broken man crying in front of me almost had me bawling at the unfairness of everything that had happened to him, Sam and between us.
Looking at the time,
I saw that I had twenty minutes before I was due to finish. I rarely got the late shifts because of Sam so I was finishing at seven tonight which was late enough.
Looking back at him, I tried to figure out what to say as we both stood silently taking each other in. There was a difference to him that I’d noticed immediately. Sure, he’d grown muscle wise, but his face was harder and his eyes were different, but even though I could see it, I couldn’t figure out exactly what the difference was.
Swallowing loudly, I bit the bullet and went with the most pressing question. “What do you have in mind?”
“Whatever you’ll let me do,” he paused and took a deep breath. “I just have one favor to ask right now, even though I know that I don’t have a right to ask anything from you.” Intrigued, I nodded at him. “Don’t leave me alone with him. I have…problems and I don’t think, in fact no I know that I wouldn’t hurt him, but he’d get scared or maybe run and get hurt…” he trailed off after realizing that he was rambling.
His words had me tensing up. “Why would you worry about hurting him or him getting scared?”
He looked completely lost as he shook his head and just replied, “Please?”
Sam had been very quiet about meeting Hunter. We’d all tried talking to him about it, but he’d just continued on like any three-year-old would. My son was old before his years, but he deserved to finally have his father in his life. And the man that I’d loved for as long as I could remember who was standing in front of me, deserved to have his son in his life.
Nodding, I gathered my shit and headed toward the door. I didn’t know what I was intending to do, but for the sake of my, no our son, I had to do something.
Getting into my car, I waited for Hunter to pull his bike up behind me and set off in the direction my house where Mom was looking after Sam.
We’d just arrived at Piper’s house and her mom had surprised me by hugging me before she left saying, “I’m glad you’re back sweet boy. Fight it and enjoy your baby. He’s just like you!”
I’d expected her to yell at me or to hate me, but instead she’d been as loving as she’d always been.
I had spent the last couple of days figuring out what I needed to do to be able to move forward and be a dad to Sam. After speaking to the guys about what had happened during our last mission and discussing how I felt about what had happened to us out in the sand pits, I’d been shocked when they’d told me that it wasn’t my fault. I’d assumed that they all blamed me for what happened to us, but they stressed that Sanchez had been adamant that we drive to that village and the superiors had radioed in an affirmative to his request. I still felt deep down that I should have been firmer and argued more against doing it, even though I didn’t have the authority to overturn a direct order, but if I’d at least tried harder then maybe we wouldn’t have lost good men and some of my men wouldn’t be missing limbs or have the life altering injuries that they had. I don’t know if I’d ever get rid of the self-blame, but as the guys pointed out, I now had a reason to live. A part of me was in the world and I wanted more than anything to be a dad to him.
I’d also called my parents and told them the news. My mom hadn’t been as kind as Piper’s had and had cried over missing the first three years of her grandson’s life. They were only renting in Florida, so they were going to end the lease and move back into their home here. As luck would have it, when I’d called the tenants, they’d been in the process of finding a new home as they were expecting their fifth kid so the house would be empty just in time for my parents.
Life was changing quickly. I’d been floating and existing, but now I needed to ground myself and I needed to get a handle on the PTSD. I also needed to show Piper how sorry I was and be a father to Sam.
We were sitting in the living room at Piper’s house and I was looking at the photo’s that were on the fireplace in frames and hanging from the walls. There were one’s of Piper pregnant, her in the hospital holding the tiniest little baby I’d ever seen, Sam’s birthdays…I’d missed all of it.
“Are you going away again?” The little voice asked as I looked down at the photo of Piper holding Sam in a hospital bed. She looked absolutely exhausted, but so very beautiful.
Spinning around, I looked down at the mini me staring back up at me and told him the truth. “Never.” I wanted to explain to him about what had happened, why I hadn’t been in his life and how sorry I was, but would a three-year-old understand that? I didn’t even know one thing about kids. Sitting on the floor, I patted the carpet next to me and waited for him to sit down. “Tell me about yourself. What do you like to do? When’s your birthday? What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite color? Are you at school?” I reeled off the questions that came to mind.
Piper came and sat down with us and nodded at Sam. How she could let me be this close to him after everything that I’d done I didn’t know, but fuck me if it didn’t make her more beautiful to me. Looking back down at Sam, I gave him a grin realizing that it was something that I hadn’t done properly in years.
“My birthday is on…” he looked at Piper for help
.
“July fourth, baby,” she said smiling encouragingly at him to continue. July fourth, 2013 was when he was born. I did a quick run through of what I’d been doing at the time and realized that I was in the States then, so I would have been there if I hadn’t been such a stupid bastard. I missed my own child’s birth when I didn’t have to because I was in the goddamn country.
“Yeah, then,” he nodded, and thought about what else I’d asked. “I like blue. It’s a boy’s color and boys are best, girls smell.” He wrinkled his nose and I burst out laughing. “My favorite food is Mama’s lasagna. It’s so yummy!” He rolled his eyes like he was in heaven as he rubbed his stomach. I shocked myself by bursting out laughing so hard that I had to lie out on the carpet. He continued before I could tell him that his mama’s lasagna was my favorite too, so much so that I’d dreamt of it while I’d been away. “I’m in preschool but I don’t like it. My teacher smells and he made me sit next to a girl. I like…” he paused and was thinking hard about it. “Everything. What about you?”
Lying out in the same position that I was in, he leaned his head on his hand and watched me. “I love your mom’s lasagna too; it’s amazing. My favorite color is red. I finished school seven years ago and my teachers smelled too. Oh, and I like to ride my bike.”
“I have a bike,” he squealed as he sat up and started bouncing. “We can ride together!”
“Hunter has a motorbike sweetheart. You’d struggle to keep up with him,” Piper explained. I’d been too caught up in the mental image of me taking him out on his bike to realize that there’d been a miscommunication.
“Can I go on it?”
“When you’re a bit older I’ll take you out on it,” I chuckled, but I was already thinking of calling my guy to see if he did a secure kids seat for the back of my Indian Scout. I stopped laughing when I thought of how vulnerable that would make him if I lost control of the bike or if someone hit us. Panic hit me hard at the mental image of him lying in the wreckage of the bike.
Just when I was about to start having one of the anxiety attacks that periodically hit me, he closed the space between us and took my face in his tiny hands. I worried that the anxiety would take over, but he started to move his fingers over my face like he was memorizing me, drawing my attention away from the mess inside me to his face.
“Can I call you daddy?” It was a whisper while he still moved his hand and I wasn’t sure if he was even aware that he’d said it until he looked me in the eye.
Reaching out, I picked him up and sat up holding him to me. “You can call me whatever you want, baby.”
I heard a sob from beside us and buried my face in his hair to hide my own tears.
We spent the rest of the night finding out details about each other while Piper watched on laughing and adding her own comments and stories in, filling both of us in on the other.
After an hour, Sam crawled into my lap and stuck his thumb in his mouth, twirling a piece of hair around his finger as he listened to the story that I was telling him about the dog that I’d had when I was a little boy. I was almost done when I looked down and saw that he was fast asleep. I hadn’t felt peace like this in years.
Holding him closer, I looked up at Piper. “If I’d known, I’d have come home.” She didn’t say anything back, but kept looking between me and our son. “I want to be part of his life, Pipe. I don’t know how much good I’ll be as a dad, or if I even know how to be one, but I want to…”
She sat staring at me for so long that I was starting to worry that she would say no or that she’d want to do it legally. Instead, she calmly nodded her head and said, “Okay, but I’m begging you not to break his heart.”
Nodding, I steeled myself for what I was about to say. “I won’t, but I need your help. Please, don’t leave me alone with him just yet.” I knew that Griff had some post-traumatic stress disorder from his tours, so she wasn’t blind to the problems that could happen because of it. “I don’t want him to see any of it, Pipe; it might scare him. I also don’t know exactly how I’ll react if something happens, and I can’t risk it. Can’t risk him.”
Compass (Valiant MC Book 1) Page 2