“I’m so sorry, Del. I tried so hard…” I broke off as the tears started to fall.
Walking up to me, she pulled me gently off the side and held me as we both cried. “You tried, sweetheart. There was nothing more that you could do. Hunter was…is…” she broke off and wiped her face looking for the words. “For four years, my baby was a different man. He could never relax when we went out. He was always on edge and never smiled, and I mean never. We asked him so many times to get in touch with you and at least try to work it out, but all he ever said was that it was better that way.” Walking over to the table, she pulled a chair out and stared into space as she continued. “He never told us why he was so different or what had happened. We asked him so many times, Ron even tried taking him away for a weekend with just the two of them so he could tell him his own stories, but Hunter never returned it.” The tears were pouring down her face. “When the explosion happened,” Delia broke off with a sob and Mom and I leaned over and held a hand each. I was crying hard and Mom was struggling not to cry as hard as Delia was. “When we got the call about him, Hunter was already being medevac’d back to the States. They operated on him for hours to stabilize him for transport apparently. When they could, they brought him home and he was put in intensive care and kept in a medically induced coma for three days. On day two, they took him back into surgery to repair something that had been missed. An officer came to tell us about the men who had passed away and updated us on the status of the others who had been hurt. If it hadn’t been for him, I don’t think we would have known exactly what happened that day.”
“He told me,” I said softly. “Last night.”
“He told you?” Delia stared at me in shock. I nodded looking over at Mom who had a small smile on her face. “My boy is healing,” she sounded so relieved and I realized exactly how monumental him telling me was.
I was about to reply, when we heard Hunter scream, “SAM!”
I’d been talking to Griff and Dad as we took a break from working on the bike and Sam had gone back to riding his bike around the drive.
“I fucked up,” I said to both of them out of the blue. There was one big motherfucking elephant in the room and I was going to tackle it head on.
“You did,” Griff grumbled, not pulling any punches as Dad nodded next to him.
“Why haven’t you beaten the shit out of me, Griff?” It might sound dumb to people to ask someone why they haven’t beaten the shit out of you, but I deserved it. Rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly, I dug deeper. “It’s not like you to hold back. I’ve been expecting it since the first day.”
Rubbing his hand over his chin, Griff stared sightlessly in Sam’s direction thinking over his response.
“Would it change anything if I did?” Looking over at me, he waited for my answer. I could only shrug in response. “Would it have made me feel better at the time? Sure. Have I pictured myself doing it a billion times over the last four years since I saw my baby girl crumble literally into pieces? Absolutely. But now, that little kid,” he nodded over at Sam who was squealing and riding with his legs in the air, looking close to toppling over, “has got his Dad and he kinda thinks you’re the shit. My baby is also looking like the Piper that she used to be. She smiles and she has enthusiasm in her step instead of duty.” Looking back over at me with shrewd eyes that saw everything, he continued. “And the man who walked into my bar that day is not the man in front of me. So, no, it wouldn’t achieve jack. I want this for all of you.”
Looking over at Sam, I turned back and looked Griff in the eyes. I’d always been a straight shooter with him, and now more than ever I needed him to know my intentions. “I’m going to fix it. I can’t make up for the years of hell that I’ve put her through and all of the time I’ve missed out on with both of them, but I can make sure that from now on I’m there for everything and that they know how loved they are.”
Crossing his arms and looking at me with an expression on his face that gave nothing away, Griff tilted his head, waiting for me to elaborate.
“I thought at the time that I was doing the best thing for Piper. I know how much of a fuck up that was, now,” I hurried out as Griff opened his mouth to say something. “I love them, Griff. I can’t even describe the depth of that love or the feelings that I get around them.” I rubbed at my chest as I looked over at my son. “I did shit that I struggle to live with. Lost men and got men injured…”
“And saved a fuck ton of lives,” Griff interrupted. “You keep thinking that way, boy, and you’ll never heal or move the fuck on. It will always rule you and they will always win. They don’t get that Hunter, they don’t get to win. You fought and you fought hard. Because of you, that little boy is sleeping easier at night and will do for the rest of his life,” he pointed over at Sam. “We all had to do shit and see shit. War is hell, but peace is beautiful.”
I swallowed audibly as I took in his words. “Forgive yourself, Hunter, and see the hero that everyone else sees when we look at you. Don’t let it take your life from you too. You fought too hard to survive for it to win,” Dad took over from Griff who was blinking rapidly and looking over my shoulder into the distance.
I was about to reply when I heard a loud engine in the distance. Loud engines always reminded me of the vehicle that had exploded next to us, and I looked up starting to feel the tendrils of my anxiety taking hold. I looked for Sam, but he was still riding at high speed down the drive, toward the road. That realization had me running after him.
I knew that if I didn’t catch him now, the truck driving toward us was going to hit him. Fighting back the darkness that was starting to form around my vision, I screamed for Sam and ran as fast as I could.
“SAM!”
He turned his head with an innocent grin on his face, oblivious to the danger.
“SAM!”
A guy who I hadn’t seen ran just in time and knocked Sam off his bike. The bike skidded across the tarmac and went under the wheels of the truck. I got a good look at the driver, a heftily built fucker who wasn’t looking at the road at all. No, instead he was looking at the screen of the cell phone in his hand. As he felt the crunch and bump of Sam’s bike underneath his wheels, he looked up and to the side taking us all in. Before any of us could move, he had his foot to the floor and was driving away down the road, his tires screeching as he took the corner.
“I got the license,” Dad shouted as I ran toward Sam.
Looking at the mangled frame of Sam’s bike in the middle of the road, I couldn’t think of anything aside from getting my son and getting to safety. The truck was going to explode.
“Run!” I roared at the Dad’s. I heard Piper yelling through the buzzing in my head, and I could vaguely hear Sam crying, but I needed to get to safety. We didn’t have time.
Screaming at them to run again, I ran through the house and into the living room. I did a frantic look around at what we could hide behind, before placing Sam in the furthest corner of the room, turning over the couch that was closest to it and pushing it in front of him.
I’d just grabbed him and rolled so that my body was protecting his, when I smelt the smoke and heard the screams. People were dying. They were screaming. Fuck, my parents, Piper’s parents, Pipe…
“Hunter,” Piper was gasping, she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes were looking at me, blaming me. “Hunter,” I heard her voice again. “Please, honey. Look at me.”
A hand was rubbing my arm and if it hadn’t been for my need to protect Sam, I would have been hitting out at it.
“Daddy,” my son’s voice cut through it all. “Daddy, I need to go pee!”
“Hunter, please. He’s trying to get away,” the voice said, sounding much clearer through the pounding in my head. “Everything’s okay, he’s fine and nothing happened.”
Lifting my head, I looked around expecting to see the Humvee lying on its side, smoke, Siglo, but all I saw was my parents, Pipers, Piper and Sam looking at me in concern. A small hand rubbing on my f
ace had reality crashing down around me.
“It’s ‘k Daddy,” Sam said, his normal cheeky grin taking over his face.
I did a quick scan of him and only saw some grazes and bruising from where he’d made brief contact with the floor when the stranger had tipped him off the bike.
“Who was it?”
“I’ve called the Sheriff,” Dad said, looking at Griff. “The guy who got Sam, Johno, lives down the street and was out for his normal jog. I have his details to pass over when the Sheriff gets here.” I nodded and looked at everyone again as Sam made a mad dash past me. I wanted to follow, the remnants of the terror and anxiety still clinging to me, but I saw the looks on my family’s faces and it was enough to freeze me to the spot.
“You okay now, boy?” Griff asked gruffly.
I remembered seeing him have a similar episode once when I was probably around sixteen. It doesn’t make it any easier, but he knows that the visions and flashbacks are real, everything feels so…live.
Rubbing my hands down my face as hard as I could, I nodded at the same time trying to gather some dignity and get my thoughts as rational as I could. This is the worst bit, convincing yourself that it’s not real, that what you’ve just relived isn’t really going on around you. While it was happening in the Middle East, I’d repeatedly told myself that it was a bad dream and that I would wake up soon. That never happened, and when you could actually say that it was truly a bad dream, you’re afraid to believe in it again because that didn’t work when it happened.
My instinct was to run again, but I was far enough into therapy to know that that wasn’t going to help. If anything, that’s what led to a lot of the suicides by veterans – giving up and running and then realizing how alone you are. A huge part of you wants that solitude and isolation, but giving into it is the worst thing that you can do.
Turning to face the room, I went to say something when Sam’s scream pierced the air and we all started running toward it.
“It boken,” he sobbed.
“What’s broken,” Piper asked, checking him over at the same time that I was lifting his t-shirt to see if he’d been hurt worse than we’d thought.
“My b-b-b-bike,” he pointed, wailing.
The relief inside me was indescribable, the relief throughout us all though was palpable.
“I’ll buy you a new one,” my voice sounded croaky and raspy as I held my boy as close as I could.
“Pwomise?” The crying miraculously stopped, but his bottom lip still wobbled as he looked up at me with eyes so like mine that it was scary.
“Well, no time like the present,” Griff said, taking his keys out his pocket and heading toward his truck.
Realizing the boon that he’d just given me with this immediate distraction, I grabbed Sam up and ran toward the truck making sure he bounced to make him giggle.
“I want a bike like that,” he pointed at my bike.
Dad, Griff and I burst out laughing as the ladies looked on in horror. “You got it buddy!”
Right now, I’d give him the moon if I could reach it. This was easy in comparison.
“Are you worried?” Delia asked as we put the living room back together.
“No,” and it was true, I really wasn’t. “I remember Dad going through periods like this when I was little. He got through it.”
It became such a normal part of life that I hardly noticed when he had episodes. In all honesty, that actually helped him because the more of a deal we made of it, the worse he felt and his attitude changed. On the occasions we hardly reacted, he would be okay and get back to normal far quicker, so we stuck with that.
“I’m proud of you, Pipe,” Mom whispered as she moved past me in the direction of the kitchen. I didn’t know why though, I had learnt from the best. Now that I knew what he went through and seeing Hunter react like that, I know what he had sacrificed for us and I was determined to give him the beauty back.
Looking over at Delia I saw her grinning at me as she fluffed my pillows.
“My daughter is back,” she said before walking up to me and giving me a bear hug. I knew I had missed her, but I never realized just how much. It was emotional knowing that I had all of this back in my life, but it was even more emotional knowing that Sam had these wonderful people in his life too finally.
Just as we pulled apart and I moved in the direction of the kitchen to get my painkillers because my hand was throbbing, a thought hit me.
“You don’t think he’ll actually get him a motorbike do you?”
Delia burst out laughing. “This is Hunter and two grandfathers. What do you think?”
Shit!
Although I was aware that some of the smiles that I gave people as we walked around getting accessories for Sam’s new bike were forced, the ones that came about as a result of Sam were one hundred percent genuine.
When we’d gotten to the bike store, I’d been slightly worried that being in public might do more harm than good on the back of such a huge episode, but my therapist Delilah had recently told me to have more faith in myself.
Walking around as Sam ran up to everything he could reach, I had an idea.
“Hey bud, do you really want a bike like mine?” I squatted down and asked him.
Turning to me with the biggest most serious eyes that I’d ever seen on a kid, not that I’d seen many, he nodded quickly. “I want to be you.”
Jesus Christ, this kid was either going to turn me into an emotional sobbing wreck or make my ego the size of Kilimanjaro.
“Let’s go!”
Scooping him up, I walked past the Dad’s nodding toward the door. Everything was already paid for, but my boy wanted a bike like mine and I was going to make that happen.
Both Dad’s were still laughing like old fools as we got out of the car.
“You actually,” Dad wheezed, holding onto the truck door. “You actually ordered a gas tank, motor bike handle bars and mud guards for the tiniest bike ever.”
Not wanting to let the words on the tip of my tongue out in front of Sam, I put him on the ground and gave him a couple of light bags from the back of the truck.
“Take those in for me will ya, bud?” He didn’t need to be asked twice as he excitedly ran into the house screaming for his mom.
Turning around I looked at the bags of smashed assholes, a term I fucking loved to use when I was in the military. It was just so insulting and always resulted in huge amounts of offense as it was intended. If the two old farts knew I was referring to them like this, they’d never forgive me – a fact that made me feel smug as shit.
“You know, you keep laughing I’ll make sure that the ladies find out that you’re ripping my bonding session with my son to pieces. I still have a shit ton of beans and motherfuckers and I reckon those women would be happy for you to eat them for a long while if you upset their little boy.” I gave them an evil grin. Again, the fact that I was joking and getting some of my personality back hit home and I was even more thankful to Sam and Piper for being in my life and giving it back to me.
“You wouldn’t dare,” Griff hissed, taking a step toward me.
Beans and motherfuckers were MRE’s also known as the five fingers of death or franks and beans and did evil things to a guy’s gut.
“Hey guys, how did it go?” Piper shouted from the door, no doubt looking for a motorbike. Little did she know, that would be arriving in a couple of days in the form of a normal bike seriously enhanced with custom motorcycle shit.
“Great,” I didn’t take my eyes off the two old assholes and the evil grin got even bigger on my face. “Hey, the Dad’s…”
“You should hear the adorable shit Hunter did today,” Dad interrupted, walking around me. “He got Ross to make a tiny imitation gas tank, handle bars and mud flaps for Sam’s bike. Obviously, we wanted to pay for it seeing as how we came up with most of the design…” His voice trailed off as he looked over his shoulder with a smug grin.
“You lying sack of…” I yelled,
stopping myself from swearing at that volume just in time.
“Aw, Ron that’s so sweet,” Piper hugged him as they walked into the house. “You guys are so good to him. I can’t wait to see the bike you came up with.”
I’d be fixing that misinformation later. No fucking way were they taking credit for my idea. I’d also be making sure that they enjoyed the beans and motherfuckers as well as the shit inducing gum that accompanied it.
While the guys were out sorting out Sam’s bike, and after we’d sorted out the living room, I’d gone for a lie down because my hand was starting to bleed through the bandages. I wasn’t sure if I’d accidentally burst a stitch or if I’d maybe just stretched it too far, but I really didn’t want to go back to the ER.
Compass (Valiant MC Book 1) Page 6