by Alan Black
The mules were not even breathing hard when she pulled them to a stop. The next curve in the road would bring her home. She still did not know what to do, but riding up on two strange mules would be a bad start.
She slid off Trance’s mule. She turned it around to face the direction she had come. She tied its reins over its neck and did the same to Dangle’s mule. She did not know how far they would run without her to prod them, but she grabbed a switch from the bushes at the side of the road and whacked Trance’s mule across the rump. It ran down the road followed meekly by Dangle’s mule.
It was a short walk home, but each step grew harder and took longer. She shuffled past the mule corral. Naomi and Ruth were both there, so Daddy had not left for work yet. The hill up to their little cabin was much steeper than it had ever been before.
She heard Mama and Daddy laughing. She went to the east door. It was the closest door to her room under the stairs. She thought maybe if she went in quietly enough she could change into her everyday dress without explaining how her Sunday dress came to be torn.
She would tell Mama. She had to tell Mama. She wanted to tell Mama. She was afraid to tell Daddy, not because of his anger toward her, but of how he might react to her attackers. She resolved to be strong and unemotional.
She slipped the door open quietly and stepped into the cabin. Her hopes of sneaking in unseen died. Mama and Daddy were sitting at the table. They stopped laughing. Her resolve to be strong and unemotional died. Tears broke through the dams in her eyes and poured down her already tear stained cheeks.
Mama and Daddy both rushed across the room to her. She caught Mama halfway across in a hug. She squeezed hard. She was afraid to let go and hug her father. She wanted to hug her father, but she could not let Mama go.
“Honey, are you hurt?” Mama asked.
“No, Mama,” she replied. “I went down to Hoffman’s place like I said I would and my dress got torn.”
Daddy grabbed her arm. “Did that man hurt you?” He realized his grip on her arm was too strong. He released her like a timber rattler picked up in the woodpile. He gathered her and her mother in a strong embrace. “Coming home covered in another man’s shirt! I swear I will-”
“No, Daddy,” she cried. “Mr. Hoffman did not hurt me.”
Daddy said, “That old man will not be a friend to you. It just isn’t in him. But, I did not think he was dangerous.”
LillieBeth grabbed her father and hugged him hard, “No, Daddy. It is not important what kind of friend he is to me, but what kind of friend I am to him. Honest, he did not rip my dress. It… he… oh Mama, I just can’t say.” She ran and threw herself on her bed. She yanked the curtain closed, but it afforded little privacy as she sobbed into her pillow.
Mama said, “Arthur, you calm yourself. You go down and saddle up Naomi for your ride to work. Then get washed up for supper. Let me talk to our daughter.”
SUNDAY - EVENING
Mama pulled back the curtain. She sat on the side of the bed. She stroked LillieBeth’s hair, but did not say anything.
“Oh Mama, it was horrible. Please don’t tell Daddy. I don’t want him mad.” She twisted around, hugging her mother’s waist.
“Honey, I can’t keep secrets from your father. I can’t lie to him anymore than I would lie to you or you to me.”
“I don’t want Daddy to get mad and hurt someone. I would just die if he got in trouble because of me.”
Mama patted the side of her face, “You just tell me everything that happened. Then I will figure out how much and when to tell your father, okay? Did that old man tear your dress and scare you?”
LillieBeth took a deep breath and told her mother everything that had happened. She did omit the tiny detail about the smack on the bottom with a stone. If Mama knew Mr. Hoffman had thrown a stone at her, she might never get to go back and finish her promise about becoming a steadfast rock-steady friend.
Even as she spoke about the Braunawalls and of Hoffman’s rescue, she wondered if Mama would ever let her leave their little plot of land again. Maybe Mama would be right to stop her. Maybe she was not smart enough to go off on her own. She certainly was no judge of a man or his character.
She watched her mother as she revealed each sentence. She could see her mother’s face tense up, growing taut with hurt and anger. Mama’s hands clenched into fists and relaxed, her fingers twitching as if wringing a chicken’s neck. Trying to gauge her mother’s reactions, she watched the anger slide away from her mother’s face quicker than LillieBeth’s tears slid down her cheeks.
When she finished telling about riding off on the Braunawall’s mules, she could feel her mother shaking. She was immediately upset she caused her mother hurt. She knew she would start to cry again if her mother were hurt.
She looked up and was shocked. Mama was trying not to laugh.
“Mama!”
“Oh, honey, I am not laughing at you. I am just picturing Trance and Dangle Braunawall traipsing butt naked down the middle of a road in broad daylight looking for two lost mules. That is about the funniest thing I heard all day.” She broke out in laughter.
LillieBeth could not help it. She joined in laughing through her tears.
After a bit, Mama said, “We can thank God that Mr. Hoffman was there. We must certainly remember him in our prayers. Now you get changed into your other dress. We will just tell Daddy that your dress was torn and Mr. Hoffman gave you an old shirt to cover up. We will think about telling him the rest later.”
“Thank you, Mama.”
“You’re welcome. You just get changed and go wash your face. We will eat supper and you can smile for your Daddy as he goes off to work. We will talk more later.”
MONDAY - MORNING
Ruth was not as smooth a ride as Naomi, but she was steady. LillieBeth did not have to keep prodding Ruth to keep her moving. The ride to school had always been fun, whether she rode Naomi or Ruth. It felt free to be alone, high up on a mule, above the mud and dust, head in the clouds, no one telling her where to go or how fast to get there. The feeling of freedom often made her light headed, causing uncontrolled laughter, even when there was nothing funny to see, causing shouts of sheer excitement, even when there was nothing exciting to shout at, causing daydreams of far off lands, even when the farthest she could see was the next bend in the road. The ride to school, even on cold and dark winter mornings, never seemed to last long enough.
No matter how free she felt, she had never been tempted to skip school or arrive late, if she could avoid it. Going to school just one day a week on Mondays was never enough school. She loved Miss Harbowe and the other kids, sharing, learning and even helping to teach the younger ones. She liked getting a week’s worth of study assignments all in one day and Mama helping her with her studies at their table the rest of the week.
Today, the ride went on and on as if the road wrapped back around itself. No matter how many curves in the road she went around, the schoolhouse never seemed to get any closer. LillieBeth looked over her shoulder at every imagined noise, praying it was not the Braunawalls sneaking up on her. She was not worried about Philistines and wild indians anymore, but strange, drunken men.
Every few yards she let her hand drop, feeling the comfort of Daddy’s .22 rifle butt. It was a fairly new pump action rifle ordered from the Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog before he went into the Army. The rifle was accurate and fast. LillieBeth had been hunting with it for almost three years. She knew every piece and part. It was Daddy’s gun, but she felt a real ownership.
She had never taken the rifle to school before. She had never felt the need of its protection. Mama had watched her tie the rifle scabbard to the saddle, but had said nothing.
LillieBeth wondered if she could shoot someone, a real person, not just imaginary roadside bandits. She had seen what war and shooting at people had done to her father. How much worse would it be on her, a young girl? That was why they only sent young men to war; no one else could do the job and come h
ome again.
She swore she could shoot Trance Braunawall if she had to. She prayed she would never see him again to test her oath.
The schoolhouse finally came into view, giving LillieBeth leave to sigh in relief. She knew she had not been holding her breath, it just felt like it. It had been a little thing for Trance to touch her breasts. She almost slapped herself at the pun. But he had not just stolen a touch. He had stolen more from her than she wanted to give. She did not feel young anymore. It was as if he had ripped what remained of her childhood away from her by force.
She had cried the first night the curse visited her. She had been upset and excited at the same time. Mama had explained it all before it happened. LillieBeth knew not all mothers were like hers. The Schmitt girls had been shocked to hear LillieBeth’s mother had talked to her of such things. Still and all, knowing had helped LillieBeth to expect the coming of her female times. She knew it was natural, right and a part of growing up. She knew it signaled the beginning of the end of her childhood.
Trance and Dangle had not waited for the natural end to her childhood. She knew, with Mama’s help, that it could have been much worse. She shuddered at the thought. Trance had touched her, but he had not taken her virginity as had been his plan. She would not have hidden that from Daddy if it had gone so far.
She gave a silent prayer for Hoffman. He had saved her from having more than her dress ruined. She was more determined than ever to be his friend.
The church was back in schoolhouse order. All of the boys showed up early on Monday to rearrange the school desks, magically converting church pews back to desks and benches, moving them to Miss Harbowe’s preferred arrangements. The boys also had to fill the water buckets and the wood box. The girls uncovered the blackboard, swept the floor and cleaned any messes in the outhouses.
Done with their chores, the boys were all outside running, jumping and generally behaving like young boys before facing hours of sitting in unfidgeting captivity. A few of the girls were in the schoolhouse, chatting, laughing and generally behaving like young girls before they also had to face hours of quiet captivity.
LillieBeth staked Ruth out near the edge of the knob, leaving her where there was as much grass as possible. There were children all around, but she managed to dodge them all getting into the schoolhouse where she took the ‘LillieBeth’ tin cup off the wall and drank deeply from the cold water in the bucket. It helped her dry throat, but she worried it would fill up her tear glands again. She wanted desperately to be in school, but it no longer felt like the right place to be. Mama had said she would feel better if she did what she was used to doing every day.
It was easy to slide into her seat and watch Miss Harbowe writing lessons on the blackboard. Her teacher looked up and smiled at LillieBeth. The smile changed to a quick frown. “Miss Hazkit, please empty your rifle and leave it in the back with the boots and coats.”
LillieBeth looked at the rifle in her hands. She did not realize she had carried it into the schoolhouse. It would have been perfectly safe in the scabbard tied to Ruth’s saddle. LillieBeth opened the tube-like magazine and poured out the cartridges, dropping them into the old gunnysack she used as a book bag. Pulling the pump back, she checked to make sure the breech was empty. She laid the rifle on the floor near a corner and sat down at her desk. She dropped her book bag on the floor, staring at her clasped hands in her lap, praying she would not start crying again, gritting her teeth to keep from blurting out how the Braunawalls had hurt her.
She chided herself for being such a baby. Trance had not actually hurt her. She had been hurt much worse, stubbing a toe walking barefoot around the yard, tripping and skinning her knees and being stepped on by Ruth or Naomi. Mama had explained the hurt was because they betrayed her trust in them and her feelings of friendship toward them. Mama tried to explain how a hurt heart could feel more painful than a stubbed bloody toe and take much longer to heal. She knew it in her heart and her head, but it did not make sense and it hurt just the same.
She looked up to see Miss Harbowe standing there, looking down at her, caring and concerned. She looked away.
Miss Harbowe said, “Miss Fern Schmitt, please call all of the children in. Have everyone begin their reading lessons. And I want the names of everyone who misbehaves written on this blackboard before I get back.” She reached down, grabbed LillieBeth’s hand and pulled her through her little office and out the back door. She sat on the back steps, pulling LillieBeth down beside her.
Miss Harbowe continued to hold her hand. She did not speak, waiting for LillieBeth.
LillieBeth sighed. Rather than a gush of tears, the words rushed out of her. She stared at her feet, embarrassed to tell the story, but unable to stop. She confided everything that had happened. She shared with her teacher everything she had shared with her mother. And she even told how Mr. Hoffman had smacked her bottom with a stone.
Finally she said, “Please don’t tell anyone. I would just die from humiliation.” She looked up to see her teacher sobbing. “Oh, Miss Harbowe. Please don’t cry. I did not mean to upset you.”
Miss Harbowe said, “This is my fault, LillieBeth. I am so sorry.”
“What? No! How could it be your fault? You were not even there.”
Miss Harbowe hid her face in her hands, “I never told anyone before. No one. Trance and Dangle Braunawall raped me two years ago. They caught me, held me down and they each took a turn.”
LillieBeth was shocked. She knew in her head the rape might have been hers, but it had not seemed real. The turnabout trying to comfort her teacher surprised her.
She wrapped her arms around Miss Harbowe, holding her through the sobs.
Miss Harbowe said, “They ruined me and laughed about it. I thought Trance liked me. He came to court, but he lured me out for a walk. Dangle jumped out and grabbed me.”
LillieBeth said, “I liked them both. I did not know which to like more. They did not have to trick me like they did you. But, how could it be your fault? They hurt you so much more than they hurt me.”
Miss Harbowe shook her head. “I never told anyone they raped me before today. I never, never, never told anyone except you. Trance said that no one would believe me if I told anyone.”
“I believe you,” LillieBeth said, with all the force she could muster.
“Thank you,” Miss Harbowe said. “That means more to me than you know. But Trance was right. Who else would believe me? You believe me because they tried it with you. It would be my word against their word, two against one. I had nothing to prove they had even been there or that I did not give consent.”
“But-”
“No,” Miss Harbowe interrupted. “Maybe no one would believe me, but maybe someone would have. Maybe the sheriff would have believed me. If they ruined me and tried to hurt you, then how many other women have they raped in these hills? How many others have kept quiet like I did? Maybe, just maybe, if I had spoken up, someone would have believed me. Maybe there would not be enough evidence to convict them in a trial, but maybe someone would have done something to stop them before they hurt you.”
“It is not your fault, Miss Harbowe. All the maybes in the world do not make it so.”
“I was afraid, LillieBeth. I am still afraid. Who would believe I did not lure them into the woods and give my consent? Not only did they ruin me for marriage, but I could be fired from teaching for having bad moral character.”
“But, they forced you.”
Miss Harbowe said, “I can’t prove they forced me. I was afraid so I kept quiet. I love teaching. I love this school. I love you and all of my students. Where would I go if I were fired? No one would ever hire me to teach again. And it is true, I am not fit to teach you, but I am afraid and don’t know where else to go. No decent man would want me now. Without this job, I could only go to work at Samson’s brothel in Oasis or starve to death. And LillieBeth, I would rather starve than work as …an…such a poor creature.”
LillieBeth nodded, “It w
ould be horrible to be a harlot.”
Miss Harbowe said, “I know why they do it. They must work to survive, but I could not. Please don’t tell on me. I beg you for my life.”
“Of course, I would not tell anyone. I love you too, Miss Harbowe. It is not my secret to share. And I am sorry I was angry with you Sunday.”
Miss Harbowe looked surprised, “Why would you be angry with me? What did I do to fault you?”
LillieBeth smiled and squeezed Miss Harbowe’s hand. “It seems awfully silly now, it feels like such a long time ago, even though it was just yesterday. Reverend James taught and I, well, I liked him. He is handsome and smart. I thought he liked me too. But, I saw how he looked at you over dinner. He liked you more than he liked me. I could see it. He would have held your hand and tried to sneak a kiss from you if you two had been alone.”
“That is nonsense. I mean, yes he is a very handsome man and I could listen to him preach the gospel for hours. But, I am not fit to be the wife of a decent man, certainly not of an ordained minister.”
“I know he likes you. What are you going to do if he wants to call on you? I think he will understand and not blame you for what the Braunawalls did by force.”
“I will have to speak up if he does ask to come calling. I will have to break my silence and tell him. I think it would be easier to speak up now that we have talked. He is a minister and understanding people is part of his stock in trade. But, it is not just about his understanding. It is about what happened. It is done. I have lost my virginity and once gone it can’t be regained. I am not fit to be courted by a man of the cloth. If I tell Reverend James, he would be obligated to tell the school board and I will be fired.”