by Erin Noelle
Evie and I introduced Mason and Max, and they hit it off immediately. Together, they had booked both Jobu’s Rum and 32 Leaves to play at a music festival in Dallas. The festival was scheduled the third weekend of December, which unfortunately was the weekend before Evie’s and my Biology final. We were super bummed we couldn’t go watch our men in action, but instead, we spent the three days studying and hanging out like we used to. We watched girly movies, drank cheap wine, and painted each other’s toes.
Other than the studying part, the weekend was exactly what I needed. Reconnecting with Evie reminded me of what a wonderful friend she had been to me for so many years. She had taken me under her wing time and time again, and without her, I wouldn’t have been anywhere near the person I was. I owed her everything, and now that my parents no longer wanted to be a part of my life, she was all I had.
Monday morning arrived before I knew it. I was thankful that after the Biology final, I would be finished with classes for the semester—my first semester of college in the books, literally. Luckily, the student housing we lived in did not make us vacate over the holidays, because both Evie and I wanted to stay in Houston as long as possible. Mason and Max were scheduled to be back the following day, and we were both in need of some serious “stress relief.” Sunday night, Evie went to bed early because of another headache. She said she wanted to make sure she slept it off before the exam the following morning.
I was surprised that by the time I entered the kitchen in the morning Evie wasn’t up yet. She always woke up before me. I yelled out to her, “Evie, get your scrawny ass up. We’ve got to leave in forty-five minutes.” I went on about my morning routine, getting the coffee started and making us each a bowl of cereal. After I didn’t hear her start moving around, I called out to her again, “Evie! Wake up! Come on, chica, your cereal is going to get soggy!”
Still, no response.
I started to get worried, so I made my way to her room and swung the door open. “Evelyn Rose, get up now!” I barked.
She did not move. Instantly, I knew something was very wrong.
I ran to her bed.
Her skin had been drained of its natural color. “Evie?” my voice cracked as I grabbed her arm and nudged her. She was very cold, clammy. I gasped and dropped it immediately.
“Evie… get up,” I finished weakly, dropping to my knees next to her, knowing she wouldn’t answer.
I reached for her phone, still propped on her nightstand where she had placed it before— “Oh, God,” I cried. “Oh no, no, no,” I pleaded, dialing 911 in what felt like ultra-slow motion.
Before the operator even finished saying those dreadful numbers, I cut her off, “My best friend is unconscious. Please send help,” I said as quickly as I could to save any time that might have been available to help Evie, but somehow I knew it was too late. I felt it in my gut, in my heart.
I managed to give them our address and the answers they needed as I kneeled next to Evie, looking at her pale, lifeless body. I went through the motions, but I knew it was useless. My best friend was gone forever. I could feel it in my soul.
Shock set in; nausea ensued shortly after. A sob rooted deep in my chest traveled up the back of my throat and obstructed the air flow, forcing me to breathe in loud gasps. Thousands upon thousands of thoughts crossed through my mind. It happened so fast I could not process anything, and soon my head was pounding. I had so many questions.
What happened? Why? How long had she been like this? How did I not know something was this wrong? How could this be happening? What am I going to tell her parents? What am I going to do without her? What am I supposed to do? Why her? Why me? Why?
I just couldn’t stop—I was afraid my brain was going to explode from sheer overload. Thoughts were moving so fast they were almost a blur. I’m not sure how long I sat on her bed next to her. It could’ve been five minutes or five hours, but eventually a warm numbness spread across me. The thoughts stopped for the most part, my stomach didn’t hurt as bad, and soon I just didn’t feel at all. I was so disconnected, like I was watching life through someone else’s eyes. Not leaving Evie’s side, I somehow managed to make the worst phone call of my life.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Evie’s mom answered cheerfully on the first ring.
“Something’s wrong with Evie,” I blurted out.
“What? Scarlett, is that you?”
“Yes, I’m on Evie’s phone. I found her unconscious in her bed just now. I’ve already called 911 and the paramedics are on their way.”
“I’m on my way!” She hung up without another word.
I sunk down to the floor, still unable to process what was happening. The next call I made was to my parents. My mom was obviously very upset by the news; she began crying immediately. She offered my old room to me if I wanted to come home. I told her thanks and that I would let her know, but I knew I would never stay there again. Even though our relationship had been strained for the past several months, I had no doubt my parents would be there for me for this.
The paramedics arrived quickly. They found me sitting on the floor next to Evie. Her hand didn’t feel as cold in mine anymore. I couldn’t move. The cloudy thoughts in my mind were no longer my own. They were more like sporadic flashes of a life I once had. The muffled sounds around me didn’t matter. Nothing mattered in that moment. And I didn’t care if they ever would again.
Evie’s parents got there in what seemed like minutes, even though it must have taken several hours. They found me sitting on the couch; I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t move. I heard Evie’s mom call Jess to come stay with me so she and Evie’s dad could go to the hospital. Jess and Ash showed up some time later. I could see the red rims of their eyes and the dried-up tears on their faces.
I still hadn’t cried. What was wrong with me? I thought maybe I was dreaming or maybe it was me who was dead, but when Jess shoveled scalding hot soup into my mouth and burnt every taste bud on my tongue, the nightmare that my life had become was confirmed to indeed be real.
The rest of the day was a blur really. At some point, I got off the couch and moved into my bed, or someone carried me there; I really couldn’t remember. I woke up there in the dead of night, screaming at the top of my lungs, the vision of Evie’s dead body in her bed stamped into my brain.
Ash’s arms quickly wrapped around me and pulled me to him, which scared the shit out of me and caused me to scream again.
“Shhh… it’s okay, Scarlett. It’s just me; I’ve got you.” He rocked me back and forth against his chest while patting my head. “I’ve got you now, butterfly.”
I laid in the security of his embrace a while longer but was forced to move when I needed to go to the bathroom.
“Thank you,” I choked out before I disappeared behind the bathroom door.
For the most part, I was still pretty numb. It was like my brain wouldn’t allow me to think about it, about her. I guess it was some sort of self-preservation defense mechanism or something. But I knew I couldn’t stay in bed for the rest of my life. I needed to figure out what was going on, what I was supposed to do next. I knew I had to keep moving, one foot in front of the other, just keep moving. The first step was a shower.
When I got out, Ash was no longer in my room. I threw on some jeans and a T-shirt and went to face my Evie-less future. I found him sitting at the table, holding a cup of coffee but not drinking it. He sat silently, staring at nothing, lost in sleep-deprived thoughts. When I entered the room, he stood up quickly and rushed to my side. He engulfed my body with his before I could say a word. He held me so tight up against him I was afraid he was going to bruise my ribs. But I didn’t say a word. I needed him to hold me close. I needed to feel protected and close to someone. I needed to not feel alone.
“Oh, butterfly” were the only words he needed to say.
I pulled my head out of his chest and looked up at him but stayed snuggled against Ash’s warm body. “So, what’s the plan? Have any arrangeme
nts been made? Where are her parents?” I began with my questions.
“Evie’s parents are at my house staying with Jess. They made arrangements yesterday for a small service at the funeral home’s chapel,” he said softly, stroking my hair.
“Do they know what happened? Why?”
“Initial reports showed a brain bleed. They were doing further tests overnight, so we should know more today.”
A brain bleed? The headaches, the fatigue, her weakening eyesight… it all made sense. I should have pushed her to go to a different doctor. I should have made sure she followed up with someone when the headaches didn’t go away. I should have done something that would have saved her life.
“Has anyone called Max?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“I need to call him. He should be on his way home from Dallas now. He was there playing at a music festival over the weekend,” I explained as I broke free from Ash’s arms.
“You really don’t need to do that right now, Scarlett.” He tried to wrangle me back in, but I stepped farther away from him.
“No, I do. He needs to get here in time for the service. He wouldn’t want to miss it.” I began searching the apartment for my phone when I made the realization that Evie’s boyfriend and her parents would meet for the first time at her funeral. I rushed to the bathroom only to discover there was nothing left in my stomach to discard.
A few minutes later, I gathered myself enough to leave the bathroom and make the dreadful call to Max. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Scarlett, what’s up?”
“Hey, Max, are you guys on your way home?”
“Yeah, we left a little more than an hour ago. Why? Is everything okay? Where’s Evie?”
“No, Max, everything is not okay. You need to get home as soon as possible. Come straight here.”
“Scarlett, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
“I can’t talk about it over the phone, Max. I just need you to get here. And please, don’t say anything to Mason for me.”
“He’s in a different car. I won’t see him again until we get back. Scarlett, tell me what’s going on! Where the fuck is Evie? Is she hurt?”
“Just get here, Max.”
I hit the End button and stared at the phone. Why was this happening to me?
“If you were going to call him, you should’ve told him, Scarlett,” Ash said. “He’s going to be worried sick. He’s going to think the worst.”
“He should think the worst, Ash. She’s dead! That’s about as fucking bad as it gets!” I screamed at him. I stormed into my room and slammed my door. I threw myself on my bed and hid my head under my pillow. I wanted to disappear. I wanted everyone and everything to go away. I wanted to be alone. I still didn’t cry.
Unfortunately, Ash either didn’t get the hint or decided to ignore it, because a few minutes later, I heard my door open and close quietly. He climbed back into bed with me and gathered me into his arms. He held me close, rubbing my back and kissing the top of my head.
“It’s going to be okay, butterfly. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I promise you are going to be just fine. I will be here for you, for whatever you need. Jess and Meg and you and me… we are all going to get through this together, okay?”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t really think he was looking for an answer anyway. I knew he was saying what he thought I needed to hear, and honestly, it did make me feel a little better, even though I knew he had no idea if I was going to be okay or anyone else for that matter. I let him hold me until I heard Evie’s mom’s voice carry through the thin walls. I got up, knowing I needed to be strong for her. She had just lost her only child, and I owed her to make this day as painless as possible. There simply wasn’t room for any more pain.
Twenty-Six
The funeral was… well, it was a funeral. Evie’s parents kept it very small and low-key. In addition to a few of Evie’s extended family members and my parents, Jess was there with Jacob, Nicholas, Vicki, Meg, and Ash. Mina and all of the 32 Leaves’s members were there to support Max. He seemed to have taken the same approach to life post-Evie as I had—numb. After the priest conducted the formal portion of the ceremony, they opened the floor to anyone who wanted to speak.
Jess approached the microphone first. I was so proud of her as she kept herself together while she retold funny stories of her and Evie being mischievous and getting in trouble when they were kids. Max walked to the front of the room next, his acoustic in tow. Just looking at him broke my heart even more, and at that point, I thought that feat was impossible. He pulled a stool from the side of the altar area and sat down, his guitar in his lap.
“I never in a million years thought I would meet someone as perfect for me as Evie was. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m just going to play this song.” I had never heard Max sing or play the guitar before; he played the bass and occasionally the keyboard in the band. But he was good, really good. He poured his heart into every word of that song. When he sang the words, “And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time, a song for a heart so big God wouldn't let it live,” I almost lost it. I almost broke down in uncontrollable tears. I almost allowed myself to feel all the pain that was sitting there, waiting to be let into my heart. Almost.
It took every bit of willpower I had to make me move and take Max’s place on the stool once he had finished. I had to sit down, because there was no way my legs were going to hold me up for long.
“As you all know, Evie has been my best friend for… well, for forever. There really aren’t words that can do her justice; she was my rock, my everything. I hope everyone is blessed enough to have someone as wonderful as Evie in their lives. Despite how awful I feel in this exact moment—and believe me, I never imagined I could hurt so goddamn much—I wouldn’t give a moment back. Not one single moment.” I managed to make it back to the pew next to Evie’s mom without tripping on an imaginary stump or passing out cold. I didn’t hear much more of what was said from that point on. I tuned everything out until I saw everyone stand up and start walking toward the door.
Before the funeral, Evie’s parents had spoken with me privately about how they wanted to handle Evie’s things and the apartment for the rest of the year. They gave me her car, just flat out gave it to me. I tried repeatedly to refuse, but they insisted they wanted me to have it. There were only a few items from her room they wanted to take with them, a few photos and pieces of memorabilia. They told me that I could keep whatever I wanted, and they would send someone to box up the rest for donations. In addition, they told me that they prepaid for the housing for the entire school year, and they wanted me to stay. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do about the following semester, but I didn’t want to tell them that then. Finally, and most importantly, they offered their home to me—anytime, no questions.
I would never forget her mom’s words to me. “Scarlett, you are our only daughter now, dear. Our home is your home, whenever you need it or want it. We will continue to take care of you as if you were our own. Evie would want that. We want that.”
I nodded and thanked them both. I could not imagine how they could be so selfless and giving at a time when the most precious thing in their life had been tragically ripped away from them. I felt like a selfish bitch, because all I could think about was how Evie’s death was going to affect me, how I was going to move on. I had given little thought to the utter devastation that her parents must be dealing with.
Evie’s parents left directly from the funeral home to go back home. They hugged me tightly and reminded me that I could call on them at any time for anything. It should’ve been me saying those things to them. I said my goodbyes to everyone before heading back to the apartment; I needed some alone time.
Ash and Meg both asked me several times if I was going to be okay by myself. I assured them I really needed some time to get my thoughts toget
her and I wanted to have at least one evening by myself. They seemed reluctant to let me go, but I promised I would call or text them at any point if I needed them and someone would come stay with me.
It was a little after five when I returned to my room; I just sat on the couch in the silence, not really sure what to do. I considered going ahead and cleaning out Evie’s room but quickly rejected that idea. I was grieving, not a masochist. I thought about reading a book, but I knew I didn’t have the attention span to focus on anything that required comprehension. I opted to put a movie on. I looked at figures moving around the television, interacting with each other, but I had no clue what was actually going on. I laid down on the couch, still refusing to think about the events of the previous thirty-six hours. My phone alerted me that I had a text message, so I mindlessly crossed the room to retrieve the message.
Mason (5:32 p.m.): I missed you, angel. Want to grab dinner?
I hadn’t even thought much about Mason since I had instructed Max not to tell him about Evie. I wasn’t sure exactly sure why I didn’t want him to know—maybe because Ash was the one with me, comforting me, or maybe because I just didn’t want to have to talk about it with anyone else. Mason’s and my relationship was fun, easygoing, and heavily based on physical desire.
The thought of allowing him to take me to places where I didn’t have to think about the cruel fucking world we lived in sounded tempting… really tempting, but I decided it was best if I didn’t see him just yet. I couldn’t just downright ignore his text. He probably would’ve gotten worried and come looking for me. At least I liked to think he would’ve. I didn’t want to make up a lame excuse either, but I didn’t know what to say.