by V. F. Mason
I went to the microphone and took a deep breath. I saw all those people in front of me, waiting for me to make a speech, and there were even some reporters. Of course this would make a great news story for them.
My eyes focused on my feet while my mouth tried to say something, to break out with the right words, but couldn’t. None of them would ever understand what he was to me, so what was the point of explaining it?
I shook my head and escaped the podium, seeing several shocked expressions as I passed. Although I didn’t pay attention to anyone, I heard several loud calls for me. I ran from the ceremony with all my might and caught a cab. How it came to be here was a fucking surprise, but I was glad it was. Before anyone could get to me, I hopped inside.
“I’m sorry, Nicky,” I whispered. As much as he was always there for me, I just couldn’t sit through the whole ceremony.
“Where to?” Wasn’t that the perfect question? I wanted to go somewhere where I would be able to see him again, to a world where he was alive. Where everything was all right.
Suddenly, a thought slammed inside my head and I took out my cell, which thank God was with me, and scrolled down through the names. I dialed the number and waited for him to pick up.
“Come on.” I glanced at the cab driver, who probably thought I was crazy. “Just a second.”
“I have no problem as long as you pay.”
“Don’t worry, I will.” If there was one thing I didn’t have to worry about, it was money. I was pretty much set for life.
Finally, the other line picked up and I heard a raspy and slightly high voice, which I usually couldn’t stand, but right now sounded like my perfect salvation.
“Yeah?” the voice was groggy and indifferent.
“Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“I need a dose.” He was silent for several seconds, probably surprised. After all, he was the one famous for loving drugs, but my band and I stayed the fuck away from it.
Not anymore.
“Which one do you need?” Now he sounded business-like. Figures, the guy probably had no money left and would do anything for a bit of cash.
“The one that makes me see things.” Whatever the fuck it was.
“You got it, girl. Come see me at my place.” I finished the call and dictated the address to the cabbie before losing myself to the sights and sounds of New York. I had no idea what I was doing, but it would bring me my Nicky back.
Even if it was for a couple of moments.
Even if it cost me everything else in my life.
Two months later
“Try the tune again, Sam,” Jane said as she made some notes on the paper while Sam and Ariel tried the beat on their instruments. I was sitting nearby on the couch trying to practice the song, but it wasn’t going well. My voice was slightly hoarse but still good. Well, at least for practice. And they didn’t push me because I hadn’t talked much since the accident.
The album was going well, not to mention we had the majority of the songs done anyway. We needed to have the album released before the big tour.
“I don’t think it works. We need to change some of the lyrics.” Ariel took the pencil, pointed at some notes, and scribbled down comments before trying again on the keyboard. I had to admit, it sounded more pleasant than the one before.
“Yep, this one is better.” She raised her arms and stretched. “I’m starving. You guys want to grab a bite?” She looked at the girls because all I did was stare at something behind her. I never cared much for food, and since the accident, I barely ate. Waste of time, really. I’d probably lost some weight, but I didn’t care.
“How about you and Jane go grab something for us all?” There was some kind of message behind Sam’s suggestion, but I had no way to determine what. Before I knew it, we were left alone and she was sitting next to me.
“How’re you holding up?” Gentle and soft, it wasn’t something I was used to seeing from her. She was usually the badass. I hated the way she was treating me, like I was made of glass.
“I’m fine.” My constant reply these days. I figured out it was easier for people to hear.
“You don’t talk much and don’t sing as well. You’ve lost weight. Maybe you can move in with me or I could—” Her words sent a jolt of panic through me and I grabbed her hand.
“Please don’t. There is no need. I lost my brother. I’m allowed to be alone to deal with it.” Technically, I didn’t lose him, but no one could know what I was doing. I couldn’t have them in my house; they would stop me, and I didn’t need anyone anyway.
The only person I needed couldn’t be with me all the time. I asked them to leave me alone after the funeral and let me deal. Since I was showing up for every practice, they didn’t pressure me to live with someone who could keep an eye on me.
“Bella—”
“Sam, please.” My voice was pleading, but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted her to drop the idea. She gave me a hard stare and bit her lower lip as she took a deep breath.
“If there was something bothering you, something you were struggling with, you would tell me, right?” She searched my eyes, but I gave nothing away. She wanted the truth, but lying was my only escape. The truth would hurt her, and I didn’t want that. She was my best friend and unfortunately, what I’d been doing for the last two months would destroy her like nothing else. I simply couldn’t disappoint her like that.
“Of course, Sam. You would know.” She hesitated a second before giving in and hugging me. I closed my eyes. Her warmth made me want to cry and confess, but I couldn’t.
It was the only way for me to see him, and I wouldn’t give it up for anyone, not even for her and the girls.
It was the closest thing I had to Nick in my life.
“Nicky, you’re back.” I sighed in relief. I wanted to touch him, but knew better. He was here and he talked, but I couldn’t touch him. But it was okay.
The drug was helping me, whatever the hell it was. I took it the first time and never looked back.
I heard voices outside my room. The house was full of people Logan invited over when he brought me yet another dose. They probably trashed the house, but I didn’t care. I got high in my room and had quiet conversations with Nick; that was all that mattered.
The cleaners would come in the morning, pick up the mess, and for a little extra tip, keep it quiet.
After all, I’d been doing this shit for two months. I’d mastered the act.
“Yes, baby girl, I’m here for you.” His voice wasn’t gentle and soft as usual, but more distant. It was one of the few things I had to get used to.
“How was your day?” I watched him smile and sit on the chair opposite my bed as he raked his hand through his raven-black hair. He was tall and lean, and looked exactly like our dad, while I was a carbon copy of our mother. I shook my head; those weren’t the memories I wanted to think about while I was with Nick. These moments were precious.
Our fucked-up parents, who’d died a few years ago, weren’t precious.
“Maybe tell me about your day?” He never spoke about his day, always directed a question at me. I would let it all out, and then he’d disappear. I didn’t push him for more, because I was afraid he would go sooner than I was ready. It was our little secret that he was here, that I’d found a way to bring my brother back to me. I didn’t want to share him with anyone.
“It was okay. I went to the studio today. The girls wanted to give me a break, but I showed them everything is fine. I practiced some of the songs with them and then came home.” He smiled, but I didn’t like those smiles of his lately because his eyes seemed dead. There wasn’t the usual warmth that was associated with Nicky. Somehow, he seemed like a stranger.
“I’m proud of you, baby girl. You keep on living, even when I can’t be with you all the time.” That made me smile, because I liked him being happy for me and believing I was strong. I had to be. Logan couldn’t supply me as much as I wanted and I had to limit this whole thing
to three times a week. The rest of the time, I just slept and bothered with showering only when I had to go to the studio.
“Thank you. I invited Logan—” But he was already slowly disappearing.
“No, Nicky, please!” I just needed a minute longer of that connection, of the thing that used to be. I tried to run toward him, but he was gone. I was so tired of him being gone. Sometimes, I had the deep need to talk to someone but couldn’t; no one would understand. They would take him away from me, and I couldn’t have that. I heard a loud crash from outside and opened the door to see what it was. There was loud music playing, trash all over the place, and some of it looked gross. People were smoking joints and drinking, and some of them even had public sex. I didn’t care, whatever Logan needed.
I found him on the couch. He looked high and some girl was giving him head, but he didn’t even look like he noticed it.
“Logan.” He paid me no attention, so I leaned down and nudged him a little, and he finally opened his eyes. They were glossy and hazy. He glanced down at the girl who was sucking him off, patted her head, and raised his eyes back up at me.
“What do you want, Bella?” His voice was raspy, and the world went crazy for him; well, it used to at least. He got kicked out of his band when he started heavily using and they couldn’t deal with his shit anymore. He wasn’t the same again, and didn’t accept any form of help. He considered himself a keyboard god and believed he was invincible.
He’d finally snapped, and that was the end for him and his career. Even his fans hated him; he was responsible for breaking up their group, after all. No one wanted to be associated with him and his mess.
Something that will happen to you if you don’t stop.
I ignored the voice in my head and concentrated on the now. After all, I had everything under control. It wasn’t about the addiction or getting high for me; it was all about Nick. I could quit when I learned how to live without him. Meanwhile, I spent my time in the studio, working my ass off and practicing my singing. I wasn’t like Logan—nothing like Logan.
“I need more. This one thing is not enough.” What I meant was I needed more time with Nick, and probably if I increased the quantity it would happen. He frowned and then a sigh escaped his mouth.
“I can’t give you more. That should be enough.” That made me angry. He kept on refusing me and giving me small doses, and it pissed me off. He was acting all high and mighty while, in fact, he was way lower than me.
“I need more, Logan, and if you don’t give it to me, then I’ll find someone who will.” He narrowed his eyes, but I knew he would have to agree. He was probably running out of money. God knows how he still survived; drugs cost a lot of money. Not to mention, all his debt and the roof I gave him to have all these parties. He simply couldn’t afford to lose someone as valuable as me.
“Fine, I will.” I relaxed a bit, because for a second there, he made it seem as if he would refuse. Something in his eyes reminded me of remorse, but I was wrong. Thank God, there was nothing good left in him. He had the selfish desire to care only about himself.
He disgusted me, but I could tolerate it if he gave me Nick.
Everything was all right. I would see Nicky again, and with more doses—or rather more visits—he would open up and talk about his day. I grabbed a beer and took a sip. Nothing else mattered. Logan put his head back on the couch and groaned slightly when the girl started to play with his balls. I noticed several guys eyeing me with interest, but I ignored it.
I wasn’t in the mood for sex.
I just wanted Nick back here with me, and prayed no one would find out about the shit I’d been pulling for the last two months.
Because I had no idea how to live in a world without him in it.
Five months later
“How was your day, Nicky?” There was hope and desperation in my voice. I badly wanted to know something about him, something new, whatever he did when he wasn’t with me. I saw him now every night. I got tired of talking about me. Maybe because nothing seemed memorable enough unless it was about his visits.
“Maybe tell me about yours?” Disappointment and resentment filled me, but I swallowed it down because, again, there was this deep fear that made me do as he said.
His presence was better than nothing at all.
“It was okay. The girls still worry about me, and so does Jeremy. I have no idea why. They keep on saying I’ve lost weight and look like crap.” My hand ran through my lifeless hair, which was a mess, and I noticed my fingernails. They had dirt under them, not to mention the over-sized sweatpants I was wearing. I didn’t bother much with my looks, and since we were recording inside the studio, I didn’t see much of a point in making myself pretty.
Oddly enough, the media was understanding about my problem and left me alone to grieve.
“The band bugs me and wants to spend time with me, but I can’t. I wouldn’t be able to meet you here, nor host Logan. At least they don’t try to come here, and I hope it stays that way.” There was another party outside. How no one realized I had a party almost every night was odd. My bank account was slowly draining, but it really didn’t matter to me at all since all I wanted was my brother back.
“I’m proud of you, baby girl.” I closed my eyes because I knew he would disappear now, and I couldn’t stand it. I tried to convince myself that he would walk out of the room and come back the following night when we were supposed to meet. After he left, I usually went outside to either have a drink or find a guy I could get laid with.
Sex was rare, only when the pain of Nick leaving again was so hard that nothing could numb it. Most of the time, I didn’t remember any of the guys; they didn’t matter. They just helped me hang in there. Sometimes, I didn’t even finish, but the feeling of a warm body against mine was good enough for me.
It had been seven months since Nicky had officially gone---that was how I liked to refer to it.
It was December and Christmas was around the corner, not that it mattered. We usually spent it with Megan and her family, and I took a break from the girls.
I had no desire to celebrate it without him, which meant I was staying home. Here, he would be with me, and who knew? Maybe he would say more.
Usually, one dose daily was enough for me. It was enough to numb the pain and look forward to the next day.
Logan made sure to warn me I should stop this shit, because it wasn’t easy to find and people would talk.
I mostly agreed with him, but today, I decided to make an exception to the rule.
Tonight I was on an edge and one dose wasn’t enough. I wanted more time. I didn’t care if it was a repetition of the same thing; I wanted it again. I took out one more dose and sat down on the bed and lifted it to my nose, inhaling.
God, it was good. I closed my eyes and let the feeling wash through me, smiling because I knew I would have the joy to see him twice tonight.
Suddenly, the door opened, crashing into the wall, and I froze.
In the doorway stood Sam, Ariel, and Jane. All of their jaws were dropped and they stared at me in disbelief. Our eyes were locked for several seconds before Jeremy entered the room.
He took in the scene—the room with closed curtains, lit only by a small lamp, clothes scattered everywhere, as I hadn’t let anyone in here ever since I started doing drugs, and finally at me, holding onto my dose.
The last part made him finally react.
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” His roar was so loud I had to cover my ears.
He came closer, trying to take my last dose away, but I knew they wouldn’t let me see Logan after that. It was my last chance to see Nicky again, and I wasn’t about to let anyone take it away from me.
“No, don’t touch me!” I stood in the corner between the wall and the bed, as they all watched me. I didn’t care for their expressions.
I needed to protect the dose. I needed to protect Nicky.
“You can’t take it away from me.” My voice was hoarse and
my throat dry.
“Bella, you are fucking using, and you want me to let you go on with it?” Jeremy’s voice was filled with anger and sadness. I tried to concentrate on the anger, because it was easier to fight him then.
The idea that I brought pain to them didn’t sit well with me.
“No, I’m not using!”
“Then what the fuck do you call all this shit?”
“Jeremy!” Jane raised her voice slightly, and I could hear worry in there, but he snapped at her.
“No. Have you seen the house? And those people? You told me she was fine, that I shouldn’t interfere and let her grieve. Did any of you know about this?” He shifted his gaze to the girls and part of me felt relieved. With his focus shifted off me, maybe I would be able to hide the drugs.
“Jeremy, back the fuck down. You think, if we knew about this, we would let her be?” Sam was furious and finally looked at me. I saw pain there, but also disgust.
I knew why, too; she had lost her sister to drugs and couldn’t stand that shit. My eyes studied the carpet, because I couldn’t face it. I had lied to her when she’d wanted to help me. I deserved her anger.
“I don’t know what to think. It’s probably lasted for months. That would explain all the shit that went on with her.”
“We didn’t know, Jer,” Ariel said, her voice sounding depressed.
Finally, Jane---our sweet Jane---asked the one question that probably everyone was dying to know the answer to.
“Why, Bella? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you come to us for help? We would have been there for you, all of us.”
“Because I see him.”
“Who?” Jane sounded confused and a bit lost, so I raised my head and gazed at them.
“Nicky. With it, I can see him every night and talk to him. None of you could give me that.” Silence fell, and only the sound of the party downstairs accompanied it.
“Dear God,” Ariel finally said, making a move to hug me, but Sam’s arm stopped her.