by T. Styles
The room feels like its spinning and I hold onto the arms of the chair for support. “So I’m going to be deaf? Permanently?”
“You very well could be.” I want to cry. “Now there are many opportunities available for the hearing impaired, Jayden. Life isn’t over just because you have a handicap.”
“I don’t want many opportunities! I want my hearing! And you’re making it sound like I’ve lost it already.”
“I don’t want to jump out there and tell you something without verifying first but if you don’t get your hearing under control now, you’ll lose it for good.” He tears off a paper on a pad. “This is a referral to an ear nose and throat doctor. He’s going to run the final test necessary for me to be sure. Give this to your mother.” He hands it to me. “This is one appointment you don’t want to miss, Jayden. Are we clear?”
I want out of there. I rush down the hallway with the referral balled up like trash in the palm of my hand. Fuck the world! I’m about to pass the counter when I see that bitch again, the one with the big earrings and wide mouth. She’s sipping soda before she places it back down on the counter. I guess she just finished eating.
I walk up to her. She’s laughing with her co-workers until they point at me. She turns around and faces me, with a smug look on her face. I grab her cup off the counter and pour the soda all over her head. Her whack wig flattens on the top and ice cubes smack against her nose. She’s yelling something but I’m already out the door.
****
I hold onto the white plastic bag in my hand. Standing in the doorway of her hospital room, I gaze at my mother. She looks bad. She’s hooked up to machines and I wonder when I can take her home. I’m so use to seeing her in the hospital though, that it isn’t that scary anymore. She survives everything.
I walk over to the bed and place my hand over hers. She drinks so much these days that her face always looks ashy gray. “Ma,” I say in a low voice, “are you up?” She doesn’t respond. I sit the bag on the top of the white cotton blanket over her body. I open it and remove a pair of white cotton briefs out of a pack before raising the blanket to her thighs.
She turns her head and looks at me. I focus on her lips so I won’t miss a word she’s saying. “You could’ve just spent the money on liquor you know. I don’t like panties.”
I laugh. “I know, but I didn’t spend it on just liquor.”
She smiles and looks at my face. “What happened to your ear? And the side of your face?”
“Nothing.” I lie.
She doesn’t press the issue. “How long have you been here?”
“Not long.” I place her foot into the left and then the right holes of the underwear. She lifts her waist when I reach her butt and I slide them in place. They never gave her panties or maybe she keeps taking them off. “I been here every day though.” I place the covers back over her legs, grab the bag and walk to the head of the bed. “Do you remember telling me that auntie Laura and Ramona stabbed you? Did that really happen?”
Her lips turn up like the edge of an old rug. “I told you they stabbed me because they did. Why would you ask me something like that anyway?” her voice is low and I step closer to hear her.
“I’m sorry, ma.” I rub her dry hand. It feels cold. “I wasn’t trying to say it didn’t happen. I just never thought they’d go so far.” I sweep my hair across my left shoulder and it falls at my breasts. She rolls her eyes like she’s jealous.
“Well they did go that far. Spanish bitches are always vicious.” She’s serious but something in her voice tells me she isn’t telling the full truth.
“Wait, aren’t you half Spanish too?” I tug my right ear. It doesn’t work anymore. I’m fucked.
“I got more black in me then them.” I laugh. “But, Jayden I have to tell you something and it’s kind of important.”
“What is it, ma?” The tone in her voice makes me anxious. “Are you okay? Did the doctor say something else is wrong with you?”
“Outside of the stab wounds being inches away from my major arteries, I’m doing relatively okay for a bitch who was almost killed.” She says in a low voice. Something is wrong. “That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” She looks into my eyes. “When Madjesty was last at the house, she seemed upset.”
My nervousness turns into anger. “And…what that got to do with me?”
“She didn’t seem right.” She leans in closer. “Did something happen between you and her? That I should know about?”
I feel my stomach turn sour and I rub it. “Ma, I don’t know what you getting at. Madjesty got shit with her and that’s all I’m gonna say. Anyway I’m tired of worrying about what she’s doing and if she’s safe. It’s time for me to start caring about myself.”
She throws her weight back into the bed and the headrest rocks. “I hear what you saying but I have to get a hold of her. Do you know where she is?”
If my father handles business she’ll be dead soon. “Ma, like I told you, I don’t keep up with Madjesty anymore.” I swallow. “Anyway that’s your job not mine.”
Her eyes narrow. “Since when have you two not kept up with each other?”
Since she raped me. “Ma, I have a lot of things on my mind. Problems of my own and Madjesty is not included. That’s all I’m saying. Okay? Just drop it.”
“Did you know she was pregnant?”
She didn’t even ask what my problems were. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked, she’s just as selfish as usual. “No, I didn’t know. But how could she get pregnant?”
The moment I ask I know the answer. Shaggy is the father. He had been calling me saying he needed to talk to me but I didn’t have shit to say to the nigga. Not now anyway. Madjesty didn’t have to rape me but he didn’t have a right to rape her either. I wanted something done to him. Something final.
“She was raped, Jayden. Not sure if she’s keeping the baby or not even though she shouldn’t. She’ll probably be the worst mother if she does.” You should know. “I mean can you imagine her walking around with a big ass belly? And what about when the kid is born? How he gonna call her mommy when she’s dressing like a man?” She shakes her head. “It’s so ridiculous that I hope she doesn’t go through with it.”
“Whatever she decides, it’s her business.” If she does keep it I know the baby will be beautiful. I hate thinking I would never have a relationship with my niece or nephew. But it’s Mad’s fault not mind.
She looks at me. “One day I’ll get to the bottom of why you two aren’t talking.” She pauses. “Anyway, I’m really worried about her and I need you to find her for me.”
Stop the press! I look into my mother’s eyes. Although I want to believe her, I’d known her long enough to know when she was lying or hiding something. It doesn’t take me long to figure out the truth. “The social worker came by again didn’t she?”
“Jayden…”
“Ma, I don’t feel well so please just be honest with me. Did she come by or not?”
She exhales. “She found out I was in the hospital again. I think she was checking on another one of her clients, walked past the room and saw me in bed. Anyway, she said she checked up on both of you at school and that you haven’t been doing well. She also mentioned that you haven’t been going.” She’s irritated. “I need you to get it together, Jayden. And I need you to go back to school. You might not look at it like it’s a big deal because I know you’ve been bringing a lot of money in the house but that’s yours not mine. I rely on those welfare checks. I didn’t go after your father for child support like I could have, so all the money I get from them is for me.”
I roll my eyes. She’s tripping. “Ma, the money is supposed to be to take care of us.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Anyway, that little bit of money you get from them checks ain’t doing nothing but getting me embarrassed.” I say, remembering the girl at the doctor’s office, “and why didn’t you tell her that Madjesty was committed? That way she’ll le
ave you alone about her.”
“Because they’ll cut my checks! I don’t see you doing extra around the house with your cash.”
“That’s a lie. And you can’t knock me because I’ve been taking care of you too.”
“I’m not saying that you aren’t doing nothing but if she wants, she can take you away from me. And when that happens you’ll end up in foster care. I’m telling you now, you don’t want to go to those types of places. Dykes will look at that pretty face and that fat ass and be in the bed with you making you do all sorts of things.”
You mean like my sister? “Why do you keep threatening me, mommy? The shit is old now.”
“Because I’m telling you the truth, Jayden and I want you to understand. Do you want them to take you from me? Is that you’re motive?”
“I don’t.” I could always stay with daddy if they did, though. “I just can’t deal with Madjesty and her shit right now. And you know I haven’t been going to school, I mean, how many times have we gone to the movies together on a weekday?”
“Jayden, please.”
“I’m serious. I’ll try to slide to class a few days out of the week but that’s all I can promise.”
“I guess I don’t have a choice,” she sighs, “but we’re going to have to think of a plan for Madjesty’s disappearance. This Katherine Sheers bitch means business. I’ll call up the institution again but I doubt she’s there. She was committed voluntarily.” She looks at the plastic bag in my hands. “Anyway thanks for the underwear but did you bring what I really want?”
I open my purse and remove the scissors. Then I walk over to the I.V. bag, connected to the veins in her arm. I cut a small slit at the top, where no liquid is present. I take the bottle of vodka from the bag I brought in and pour a little inside. I could’ve let her drink it but she said she didn’t want it on her breath. So the doctors won’t smell it. I know the real reason was she got higher this way. I know its fucked up that I’m helping her shoot liquor in her veins but she looks so bad when she doesn’t have it. I was afraid that if I didn’t give it to her, she’d do reckless things to get it that might get her killed.
A minute later her eyes are drowsy. She seems like she’s in heaven and I wish I could join her. Once she’s sleep I walk over to the wooden dresser next to her bed and pick up a piece of paper. I see the hospital emblem but I can’t make out all of the words. I’m really going to have to teach myself to read better especially since my hearing was a mess. Although I can’t understand everything, I do read my mother’s name and the letters AZT in parenthesis along with HIV. What the fuck!
KALI
STEALING ATLANTA
The rain is knocking against the windows so hard, that the blinds hang a little to the right inside the luxurious home were Kali and Antoinette were living. The weatherman called it a rainstorm but to the residents in Atlanta it resembled a hurricane.
Kali sits on the edge of the king size bed with his phone pressed against his ear. The hatchet on his back rests in its brown holster; he didn’t go many places without it. His forehead is creased and it is apparent that he isn’t in a good mood. That didn’t stop her from fighting to get his attention.
Carefully and bravely, Antoinette eases behind him and rests her chin on his shoulder. “What’s wrong, Kalive?” She kissed him gently on the ear. “You seem out of it tonight.”
Without looking at her he frowns. “Why you say that?” His voice is plain and void of emotion. “Just cuz a nigga don’t feel like watching Sex and The City wit’ you?”
She removes her chin. “No, it’s because one minute we’re making love and the next you zone out on me. I mean, was I that bad?” Her joke was met with silence.
Finally he looks at her with an evil glare. Sometimes Antoinette’s presence made him feel like he was wearing an Eddie Bauer coat in the summertime. “I got some shit on my mind.” He shakes her away from his space and she backs off. “Nothing you need to worry about.”
“Well how come you won’t talk to me? I’m here for you to use, Kali. Not just when we fuck.”
He exhales. She’s working the last of his nerves. “I can’t find my boy, Antoinette and I’m not feeling good about it. I don’t feel like talking.”
She sits on the edge of the bed next to him and her feet slap against the floor. “Your boy? What you mean…you can’t find a friend of yours or something?”
“I don’t have any friends, Antoinette. I’m talking about my son.”
She laughs heartedly. “When are you gonna realize you have a daughter, Kali? At first I thought it was a joke but everyday you’re with the, ‘my son this’, and ‘my son that’. You don’t have a son, you have a daughter.”
“What the fuck’s that ‘sposed to mean?”
“Kali, calling her your son probably caused her to cut off her own breasts. You gotta know that whatever she’s thinking in her head is real. It’s not healthy to be roaming around saying your one sex when you’re another. You better get that in your head because I think things will get worse before they get any better with her. Hopefully she’ll get more help.”
The moment she threw the secret he shared with her about his daughter cutting off her breasts, he cursed the day he ever opened his mouth. It wasn’t like they were real lovers. Kali kidnapped her for a debt that Jace, her fiancé, owed him. She was his captor not a friend. Maybe if he had her gagged and tied up like she was in his mother’s house in D.C., she’d know the difference. Luckily for her Kali enjoyed fucking her. That one privilege gave her the faulty notion that she was his equal.
Rotten bitch. He thought. Disrespecting my kid. How wrong he felt for betraying Madjesty’s trust. He understood how it felt to be one thing when every fiber of your being said you were another. And he didn’t take kindly to outsiders analyzing them and making assumptions about the people they were.
“You really need to cut it out, Kali and start facing reality. You’re not contributing to her mental well being is all I’m saying.” Antoinette continues. She’s on a roll with her reckless lip game.
The moment her lips close, they fly back open as she attempts to gasp for air due to Kali squeezing her windpipe. “So what am I contributing now by choking the fuck out of you? Huh? Tell me, bitch since you know so fucking much!”
“Kali, I can’t breathe.” She softly touches his offending hand. “Please, let me go. You’re going to kill me.” There wasn’t any life behind his eyes. He blacked out a long time ago so she closed her eyes to express what was about to happen if he continued. He would kill her.
Her action worked because he drops his hand and walks over to the window. Her coughs and gasps for breath sounded in the background but he didn’t care. Rotten bitch. Maybe next time she’ll think straight before she violates.
He parts a few slats in the blind and observes the pouring rain outside. “When I was a kid nobody understood me.” He opens the blinds fully to see better. “I had to deal with life on my own. I didn’t have a mother or even a father to look out for my well-being. My grandparents tried their best but they were too old to control me, eventually they were put out of their misery. That’s one of the reasons I’m the monster you see before you today. But I won’t do that to her. I mean I won’t do that to him. No matter what she was born as, I will always treat her as she wants. Always.” He turns around to look at her. “So if I say its my mothafuckin’ son, then you better hear me before I forget that nigga owes me and dump you where you belong. In the gutter.”
Kali walks over to the edge of the bed and picks up his cell phone. It rings a few times before the person he wants answers. “Jace, do you have my daughter?”
His voice is thick with sleep. “I don’t know what you talking about.” He coughs three times. “What do you want?”
“You heard me, nigga. I been trying to get a hold of my kid. How come I haven’t been able to reach her?” He looks at Antoinette and she’s rubbing her neck. Drama queen. He thinks.
“You got it confused,
” Jace responds, “my kid’s the one who doesn’t look like a nigga. You better get a hold of Harmony’s ass, I’m not little dude’s mother.”
He laughed although he didn’t like Jace’s joke. But he was right, they had business that had nothing to do with Madjesty. “Did you think about your decision yet?” He looks at Antoinette again and she’s lying on the bed crying softly. “Time is of the essence if you ever want to see your bitch alive again.”
“I don’t know where Paco’s boy is, Kali. I been looking for him everywhere but he’s never where they say he is. I can get you your money but I don’t know about him. Let’s just make the exchange and put this shit behind us.”
“That’s not part of the deal. I told you what I want! Five hundred thousand and Shaggy. I don’t want one without the other.”
“Well you gotta give me some more time to find him, Kali.”
“How much more time you need?” He paces the luxurious bedroom carpet. “I told you this mothafucka raped my kid. This ain’t a game to me! I want his head!” He looks at Antoinette. “Or would you rather it be your bitch’s instead?”
He walks over to her and lifts her head by the chin. She knows immediately what to do. She releases the belt on his jeans and pushes them to his ankles. Then she covers his rod with her warm mouth. It was amazing; she doesn’t look sad anymore.
“As I’m looking at your bitch now, she’s bound and gagged.”
Thinking she is somewhere tied up with a sock in her mouth, Jace grows angrier. “Don’t hurt her, Kali. Like I said, just give me some more time. I’ll get you Shaggy.”
“You got two days.” He feels a nut coming on as her tongue slithers around his dick. Jace’s nervous breaths in his ear only brought him closer to ecstasy. “After that, the bitch is dead.” He fills her mouth with nut and despite being scared she swallows every drop. “Am I understood?”