by A. J. Downey
I wanted it to be my thumb, hell, I wanted her lips, her tongue, on any part of me. I felt it keenly, like a deep, fractured ache in the center of my being. I wanted her so badly between me and Cell while we worshiped and ravaged her body. I wanted to put her squarely between heaven and hell and I just didn’t know how.
“Hayley!” Melody called and I silently cursed inside my head. I wanted to watch her longer, without her knowing we were here. There was something about seeing her out here, candid, without any of her super self-consciousness that she wore like a cloak when we entered the diner anymore.
“Blue, I’m only gonna fuckin’ say this once,” I swung my gaze back to Cell’s face, already knowing by his tone that I wasn’t going to like what I was going to hear. “You make this work your way, now, today, or I’m taking over. You’re being a fucking pussy and the case of balls with your name on ‘em ain’t getting any better. You picked her, sure, but I want her, too; and I ain’t too keen on waiting much longer.”
I scowled at him and dropped a truth, “Your way you get her once; my way we could have her forever.”
“Fuck you and your logic, man,” he said laughing but he was in a good mood and backing off, which is what I needed.
Hayley moved down the little hill towards Mel, giving me a quick sweet smile before shooting a nervous glance Duracell’s way. Duracell caught it and looked at me with a shit eating grin saying, “Do your thing man. I’ll fuck off for the moment.”
I gave him a nod and he went over near Reaver and Trigger. I drifted up nearer to Hayley while she talked with Mel. She smiled and tore off a hank of her cotton candy for Noah who was reaching for the offered sweet.
“You are gonna be one hell of a mess, little man,” his father ground out, but Archer was all rare smiles as he hitched his son further up into his arms. Melody had Chandler in a baby buggy and was rolling her sleeping, second son back and forth over the dry grass absently.
“It’s okay,” Hayley said to Noah. “Little boys wash, don’t they Noah?”
Noah just gave her his wide, dimpled grin and laughed, shoving his little fistful of spun sugar into his mouth, getting most of it smeared in a bright blue stain around it. It was both gross and adorable, but then again, I had a thing about being clean. It was part of why I hated my job so much.
“Hi,” I said, pitching my voice low and hoping like hell it didn’t come out uncertain, which it probably did. Truth was, every time I saw Hayley I got so damn nervous I almost couldn’t stand it. The butterflies launching themselves into a flurry of activity in my stomach to the point I almost felt ill. I swallowed hard and wiped my sweating palms on the seat of my jeans, casually stuffing my hands in my back pockets to disguise what I was actually doing.
Archer and Melody just blinked and stared at me a second, and the attention made my skin grow hot with a blush. This is why I didn’t talk to people. Talking led to looking, and the looking meant that I had their attention and I hated having people’s attention unless I was comfortable enough with them.
I was comfortable enough with Cell because I understood him, for the most part. The only other person I had grown comfortable enough to really talk with since coming to this new chapter was Dani Broussard, Red-Thirteen’s ol’ lady. If I had to pick a best friend outside of Cell, it’d probably be her. Right now, though, I was trying really hard to expand my tight as hell inner circle to include this beautiful creature right here. The one looking at Melody and Archer curiously, the gears spinning behind her deep, soulful brown eyes as she puzzled through their expressions. Her gaze flicked back to mine and she drew a deep, steadying breath before she said so politely, so sweetly, “Hi, Blue; it’s good to see you.”
I couldn’t help but smile and the next words that came out of my mouth came much easier as long as I focused on her rather than all of my other club brothers and sisters looking at me like I’d done something utterly mystifying.
“Take a walk with me?”
Hayley smiled, the color intensifying across the bridge of her nose and along her cheeks.
“Oh my god, girl! Go on!” Melody encouraged, laughing, when Hayley didn’t immediately respond.
“Sure,” Hayley murmured demurely and my heart soared; not gracefully either. Instead of an eagle or some shit, that fucker lifted off with all of the smoke and fire of a goddamn space launch, the nerves and bile rising with it, scorching my throat something awful as I forced it back down. I forced a smile to my lips even as that voice of derision and doubt screamed in the back of my head, demanding to know ‘what the fuck did I just do?’ and following up with ‘what the fuck was I going to do now?’
I let my feet carry us away from the prying eyes of my club brothers and felt some of the tension leave my shoulders. Hayley smiled and shyly ate some of the cotton candy she’d bought. All I could do was stare at her mouth as she sucked the sweet confection off her fingers. I was a man transfixed by the smallest thing she did, aroused but also put at peace. Watching her calmed the raging demon of insecurity that pretty much ravaged the hell out of me from the inside out on a daily.
“What’s wrong?” she asked softly, her face crumbling and I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Was it something I did?” she asked meekly and I pinned her with a look, scowling.
“Never. The smallest things you do, I just…” I shrugged, “I find them beautiful.”
“Oh.” Her voice held a bit of a shocked echo, her lovely face, free of makeup, painted instead with surprise.
We’d stopped near one of the rides that had been set up in the field they were holding the festival in and I turned to look at it rather than face her curious scrutiny right then. It was a Ferris wheel, and I turned back to her and asked, “Go with me?”
She smiled and it was a mixture of shyness and teasing warmth, “Afraid of heights?”
“If I say yes, will you go on it with me?”
“I’d like that,” she murmured. “It’s always nice to feel needed.”
I smiled and felt it, that sense when I’d first seen her, like our pieces just fit. I held out my arm and she looped hers through it. We got in line and stood silently when out of nowhere, Cell appeared at the railing and said, “Let me hold that for you so you ain’t gotta worry about it.” I thought to myself, so much for fucking off…
Hayley smiled and handed over her half eaten cotton candy and when her back was turned Cell gave me a wink and a slight nod. He was being charming today, which was good. Then again, he’d always been the master hunter. The cool, calculating one. The chameleon, the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I swallowed hard and wrestled with my guilt, and not for the first time when it came to the thought of being with Hayley, of having a woman in our life, I wanted it so badly… Still, when it came to Cell, at what cost? How much would she have to give up?
I was alright giving up what I had for Cell, at first as club brothers, sure, but as lovers? As partners and best friends? It just was, that to be with Cell, you had to give up parts of yourself and be okay with things that put you at serious odds with your maker. I’d been alright damning myself, but was it right to do it to anyone else?
We moved forward in line and Hayley was smiling and talking gently with me.
“It feels strange seeing you guys outside of the diner, I mean, I don’t think I ever really have before, you know?”
She was making small talk, and I was doing my best to give her more than one word answers as was usually my custom when it came to speaking out loud.
“Yeah, I mean, no… I guess I never really thought about it. I’m just glad to see you. In the diner, out of it, it doesn’t matter to me.” God, I sounded like a rambling idiot.
She searched my face and I wanted so badly to ask questions of my own, to know everything about her, to immerse myself completely in who she was. I’d waited so long out of a combination of fear and a wish to protect her but I was weak, I needed this. I was tired of missing that crucial piece.
She quickly change
d the subject, the faint adorable blush painting her cheeks. “So why do they call you Blue, then?”
“Well, when it came time to patch in they said I had a choice, I could either be Blue or I could be Straw.”
“Why those choices?”
“Because his last name is Barry,” Cell supplied. He’d been keeping silent pace with us as we waited and moved up the line, was smiling his good ol’ boy smile; the one that put everyone at ease and made him the life of the party.
Hayley’s brow furrowed in confusion for a moment then smoothed out with her dawning understanding.
“Oh! That’s just terrible!” she cried.
Cell and I laughed and nodded, “Most of the time road names are,” he said.
“Sometimes they’re just funny on the surface.”
“I think you picked well with Blueberry over Strawberry,” she said gravely and I had to smile.
“Thanks.”
“For sure, you ended up on top with that one,” Cell sighed, “I fuckin’ hate mine somedays.”
Hayley smiled sweetly, “Don’t always want to be known as the copper top battery?”
“At least they got one thing right,” he said, “I have the stamina to come by the name honestly.” He winked at her and she covered her mouth with her hands to stifle her shocked giggle. It was both adorable and sad. She hid her beautiful smile far too often.
“See you when you get down,” he said with a wink and we began to ascend the steps to the boarding platform.
Hayley took my hand and a thrill went through me. I glanced down at them and she asked me seriously, “Are you afraid of heights?”
I shook my head, “You?”
She rolled her lips and licked them, her tongue tinged blue by the candy and I wanted to taste it, I wanted to kiss her and find out if she was as sweet. I bet that she was. I bet she would be the sweetest thing I ever tasted.
“No, I thought you might be, though,” she said seriously.
I squeezed her hand lightly and murmured, “Just because I’m not afraid of heights doesn’t mean you’re not needed…”
She swallowed hard, her eyes a little wide and said softly, “I like it, too.” The tension in her shoulders told me that she was as nervous as I was. We were being so awkward around each other with how careful we were being while still attempting to remain honest. The line moved up and we were now first, the car gently swinging empty before us. I felt a surge of something, adrenaline maybe, over being so close to her.
I couldn’t help but smile and let her get into the car first. I took my seat beside her and the ride was snug, the width of my shoulders making things crowded, so I laid my arm behind her, curving my hand around her shoulder, twining my fingers from my free hand through hers, my palm resting along the back of her hand.
“Thank you,” I said suddenly and Hayley looked at me sharply.
“For what?”
“For walking with me, and talking with me… I know I can be awkward in my silence. I’m just not very good at talking with people.”
“Is that why you’re always with him?” Her voice was timid, uncertain, and I couldn’t take offense to the question. I knew how Cell was. It wasn’t the first time I’d been asked by someone why I hung with him.
I shook my head, “Cell is my best friend. He’s a good man deep down inside despite his outward facing flaws.” I didn’t want to let on that he and I were much more than just friends, despite his rampant homophobia. I didn’t want to scare her away, not yet, that pain could possibly come much later when I’d gotten my hopes up past where they should be.
Her gaze dropped down to him as we moved up some more and she murmured, “Is he always so intense and frightening?”
I smiled then and answered that one truthfully, “Yes, but not so much the more you get to understanding him. Best way I could describe it is yes, he’s always that intense, but no, he’s not always so scary. I wish you would give us both a chance, get to know us, maybe even date us for a time. I think you’d be surprised.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. I mean, as friends of course I’d love to get to know you better… but dating two men at once?”
Cell had blown any form of subtly moving into things out of the water one of the first times we’d been around Hayley at the diner. Flirting his best, at his most frank, it had been the wrong approach then and had damaged things pretty much irreparably. Convincing her was going to take far more work. It was unconventional especially here in the land of super judgmental Christians who were pretty much anything but. Still, I could see the curiosity in her deep brown eyes.
“You guys really do everything together?”
“Yes.”
She shifted against my body and I held very, very still staring at her, memorizing every line of her face, thrilled to just be this close to her. She turned her gaze away from me and out over the fairgrounds which was pretty much a quick setup job in a farmer’s vacant field. Her eyes unfocused and she quickly changed the subject.
“This certainly beats the diner, doesn’t it?”
I smiled, unable to take my eyes off of her, “It certainly does,” I murmured and she turned back to me, tipping her head to the side. The curiosity in her eyes intensified and I wished, so much, that she would ask her questions while simultaneously wishing that she not.
“Why me?” she asked finally and I could appreciate her willingness to cut through the bullshit. It was definitely a quality she shared with Cell.
“Truthfully, a feeling…”
“A feeling?”
“Yeah, I have a feeling, about you, and about us, and I want us to explore it.” She stared at me and I grew self-conscious, finally I swallowed hard and said, “How long were you planning on being here?”
“I don’t have any place to be,” she murmured. “If that’s what you’re asking.”
“Sort of… spend some time with us here, and if at the end you want to see us again, we’ll make that happen. If you don’t…”
She rolled her lips together, her eyes far away and she finally nodded. I would give anything to be inside her head, listening to her thoughts.
“Okay,” she reluctantly agreed and I had to smile. I gave her a slight squeeze, a one armed hug, and she smiled, a genuine smile, and I almost couldn’t wait to tell Cell. I also couldn’t wait to tell him to behave him-fucking-self.
Chapter 4
Hayley
“Help me understand,” I said quietly.
We were sitting at a table near the barbecue pits, the spun sugar that had been the dessert to my lunch long since worn off. I had ridden the Ferris Wheel with Blue, watched as Cell tried valiantly, cursing and laughing, to win a stuffed toy from the B.B. gun shooting range. Two of the other Sacred Hearts, Trigger and Ghost, had pretty much mopped up at that game. Blue had murmured in my ear that they had once been sniper partners overseas and I could see their skill.
Now, we were quietly eating what was supposed to be dinner, just the three of us, a large stuffed unicorn sitting at my hip. Cell had redeemed himself at darts after telling Reaver heartily to fuck off before stepping up to do it. He was smiling across the table at me, and it was charming but still it was as if something were missing from it. Everything on the surface polite and super appealing but I’d served these two for over a year now at the diner. I knew that Cell’s mood was mercurial at best and that while he was charming now…
“Tell you what,” he said leaning back and lifting his plastic cup full of beer to his lips. He washed his food down and let out a satisfied ‘ah’ before continuing, “Date us one at a time. Let Blue take you out this week, then let me take you out next week. No need to rush into things all at once.”
I chewed my bottom lip. Despite the strangeness of it, it was a super appealing offer. I was terribly lonely and a date or two couldn’t hurt anything, could it? I looked at Blue who was staring at me intently from across the table by Cell, chewing thoughtfully, waiting to see what I would say.
I didn’t say anything, and neither of them pressed me for an immediate answer, so instead, I took my time and thought about it. I changed the immediate topic to something else to buy myself more time.
“There’s supposed to be live music in the next hour over by the beer garden, I was going to go listen…” I hesitated, I wanted to ask Blue to join me but with Blue came Cell and my basic instinct when it came to the man was to avoid him at all costs. I couldn’t tell you precisely what it was, but women’s intuition, you know?
“Is that an invitation then?” Cell asked polishing off his beer and pushing his paper plate away from him. I felt myself blush and nodding, I cast my gaze to the tabletop to break away from the penetrating and uncomfortable stare he was giving me. I caught his smile widening when I looked away and I realized that was part of what bothered me about Cell. He liked keeping me uncomfortable and off guard and I hated it. The way he looked at me was completely opposite of the way Blue did. When Cell looked at me it was always with scrutiny, like he was trying to decide if I was worth his time or trouble.
The way Blue looked at me, I don’t think I’d ever felt that way before. It was as if he stared at all that was good and beautiful in the world. My heart ached with yearning for so long to have someone look at me the way Blue did, and I wanted it. I wanted to see if he meant it but I was also so very afraid of hurting again. Of being little more than a stepping stone, or another notch in someone’s bedpost.
My love life had been complicated and messy up to this point. A series of one disaster after the next, each one leaving me a little more heartsick and a little more broken than the last. The overwhelming sadness and depression I lived with didn’t exactly help in that regard. If it weren’t for the pills, it’d be a safe bet that I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed, go to work, and be able to function at all.
“We’d like that,” Blue said softly and when I glanced up at him, I could see a look of warning in his beautiful gray eyes. The look was directed squarely at Duracell, who barely took it to heart, amusement warping his lips into an almost smug little smile that I couldn’t help it… my palm itched with the urge to slap it off his face. Only the fact that I honestly wasn’t a violent person, kept me in check. Well, that and my fear of what he might do.