When she looks at me, her eyes say ‘I’ve won.’
‘Don’t stare at me like that,’ she says. ‘We have almost an hour before it sends me to sleep.’
‘What do you feel?’
‘Nothing.’
Sofia reminisces over childhood stories. I was about ten when we had a guest with a baby and Sofia found the little screaming thing annoying. But when I picked it up, it stopped crying.
‘You had so much love for it,’ she says, ‘I was just watching you and wondering where all that love was coming from. You were so tender, so nurturing.’
‘I don’t even remember.’
‘Luckily I do. And this memory of you convinced me that you could be the right mother for Maya.’
Then she moves onto the next memory, of Auntie Joanne when she came to visit. The way she always lectured us about how eating sweets was bad for us, and she even spied on us. So we would hide in Sofia’s wardrobe and eat them secretly. When Sofia recalls Auntie Joanne, she cracks up. We laugh together but my laughter is heavier than hers.
It takes a good half an hour before her speech begins to slow, and her eyelids become heavy.
‘Can I have that chocolate?’ she asks with mischief in her eyes.
I open the drawer and take out a small piece of milk chocolate. Her face is pure joy while she places it in her mouth, letting it melt.
‘Ever since I saw what happens at the Primavera Clubs, I have been afraid to die,’ she says, lifting a feeble hand up to me. ‘I knew they would do it to me, too. But I’ve won, Alice. I’ve managed to go freely, unobserved.’
I stay with her, still holding her hand for a long, long time, until it’s dark outside, and I can hardly see. I check her pulse with my ID phone. There is none. Sofia’s face is peaceful and I say my quiet farewell to her. I know she’s still around. Finally, we can have some time together. If Dad is watching from above, he must be happy with the outcome, how the war concluded.
Nine
‘I have to tell you something, Maya.’
I’m in her room, gently taking a doll out of her hands. I lift her up and sit her on my lap. She must sense it’s something important as her eyes are locked on mine.
‘Auntie Sofia had to go to a better place. She won’t come back.’
‘Has she died?’
‘Yes. I’m so sorry, honey.’
She cuddles up to me. She’s so fragile. I mustn’t cry.
‘Please, Mummy, don’t leave me again.’
‘I will never leave you. I promise.’
I can’t help the tears, and she notices it.
‘Are you crying because of Auntie Sofia?’
‘She’s in a good place and I said my farewell to her. No, honey, I’m crying because I feel bad about how long I was away. I wanted to come back sooner.’
‘It’s OK.’ The way she says it, like an adult, is funny. ‘Your letters were with me all the time. I read them every evening before bedtime. Or at night when I couldn’t sleep.’
‘Letters?
‘Auntie Sofia had a special case made for them. Look!’
She reaches under her bed and takes out a leather case that looks like a document bag. She unzips it and I see hundreds of letters organised neatly, all addressed to her. The lump in my throat is growing.
‘This is my favourite.’ She takes out an envelope covered in unicorn stickers. There is a note and a letter inside. The note is a message from her ‘mum’. It’s short, only a few sentences, full of good wishes and love, promises of coming home to her when she can. The letter attached was written by Snow White, personally for Maya, and posted to her mum who forwarded it to Auntie Sofia. It’s a fairy tale, a sweet story about a little girl adopting a unicorn. It’s handwritten – in a different script from the note – but there is more than writing. There are tiny drawings along the side, stickers and even rose petals, there are perfume patches with a strong fragrance, and a drawing of a blonde woman with hair down to the waist, widely set blue eyes and a dimple in her cheek. An arrow points to it, saying ‘Your Mummy’.
‘Why have you had your hair cut, Mummy?’
‘It’s just… I don’t know really. It’s more practical. If you like it that long I can grow it again.’
Maya takes out more letters, other favourites, as she calls them, all with different decoration, some hand-drawn, some cut out from magazines. In each envelope, there is a note from her mum and a fairy tale from Snow White. The stories are imaginative, and always see good triumphing over evil. Maya is staring at me, as I weep and shake uncontrollably. I let her believe it’s because I hadn’t seen her for such a long time. My heart is aching for the Sofia I am only just starting to get to know, the sister I so misunderstood.
I have just spoken to Philip on the phone. He is on his way. He is being flown here by helicopter; it will be another hour. For the day after tomorrow he’s already booked into the world’s best eye clinic in Switzerland. Antonio and his commune will soon be evacuated from the Zone. Ruth and Felicity are arriving tomorrow. It’s only Nurse Vogel who won’t be with us. Sofia’s head of security has done everything to save her. But it was too late. ‘Our people couldn’t get to the old lady in time,’ he said.
I walk up the narrow stone steps to the roof of the mansion. I want to take in the view. To think things over, to fully understand my power. To make space for Maya’s unexpected love in my heart. I move carefully among the dozens of chimneys, with my ID Phone providing light. I stop at the ridge and switch off the light. Now I just stand here in the near pitch-dark, so deep and infinite. The deathly silence sobers me up. A cool breeze touches my face, bringing with it the scent of the sea. In the distance I hear the trees swaying in the wind. The sky is a dark blanket, the same shade of midnight blue I would gaze at from my childhood bed.
As I survey the land – now my land – for an instant the extraordinary feeling of power overwhelms me. It’s frightening, but there’s a sweetness to it that I find seductive. This is my house and my land, but does it mean the sea beyond the forest is mine, too? Or the stars shining in the black velvet of the sky? I might not be able to withstand all this alone, but I know Philip will have the strength for both of us. I can rely on him. He won’t let me become just another wolf among the pack.
END
Wolf Country Page 31