It’s just like everyone in my life back home, I’m just a rug for them to wipe their feet on. My nerves take over, and I’m going crazy knowing in a few hours I’ll be back in hell. When the flight attendant comes back around, I order a drink. Maybe if I drink enough, I’ll be able to handle what’s coming.
My memories go back to my parents. They didn’t even show up for my graduation. Adam said he couldn’t take time off from his practice, and Mom said it wasn’t necessary for her to attend. I graduated alone, but that was fine by me. I didn’t want my new life meeting my old one. In Boston, I had found some level of confidence in myself. I didn’t want my friends to see me revert into a shell of a girl being constantly scrutinized by her parents. But now, I am terrified that will be my life from now on; the small amount of confidence I found is now shriveling up and dying.
Maybe I can convince my mother to let me live on my own, and I can even get a job. Maybe, but I don’t really think that will happen. In the south, most girls continue living with their parents until they get married. Since I am obviously not good enough to find the proper husband, I guess that means I will live with my parents until I die. As far as a job goes, my mother will never allow it. Women of our status don’t work, ever, other than charity work. So, yeah, I’m screwed.
I drink enough to drown my sorrow and enough to allow me to sleep the rest of the way home. The attendant wakes me up to let me know we are about to land. Here we go, let the bashing commence.
I’m at baggage claim, and I see my mother and Adam walk towards me. Mom runs up, hugging and kissing me, while Adam just stands there studying me, seeing what he can start in on probably. My mom, on the other hand, is overjoyed with having me under her thumb again. She loves me, I know she does. However, she lets Adam get in her head, demanding she do more to make me fall into place, for me to be more like them. Mother, always being a pleaser, just follows his lead.
“Oh baby, I’ve missed you so much. I’m so glad you’re home.” My mom’s tears start to fall, but then Adam comes to hug me and starts sniffing, like, really sniffing me.
“Avery, is that alcohol I smell on your breath? Margaret, your daughter’s been drinking. Is this how you come back home? I knew letting her go away to Boston was going to be a disaster. What have you been doing, Avery? Huh, are you partying now? Out at bars all night drinking and acting like a slut? Is that what we have to look forward to now that you’re home?”
OH, MY GOD! I haven’t even made it out of the Louis Armstrong airport, and he’s starting already.
My mom starts panicking. “Oh God, Avery, please tell me you’re not. Please tell me I didn’t pay for that overpriced school for you to come back home being a drunken slut. Answer me, Avery!”
I nearly shout, “Mom, stop! I’m not! Geez. I just graduated from the best university in the country, and you accuse me of having time to be out drinking and being promiscuous.”
Adam jumps back in. “Avery, you will not talk to your mother like this! How dare you? She has been going crazy over you since you left, and you come back all these years later and act like this? Not in my house!”
I want so bad to tell him it’s not his house, but I don’t. I see my mother’s tears, and all I want is to put a smile back on her face.
“Mom, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to talk to you like that. I was nervous on the plane ride. I don’t fly well, so I had a few drinks to calm my nerves, that’s all. I promise, I am not a hard drinker, and I am not a slut!”
I look at Adam while I say that last part. Trying to get my point across.
Once we have my baggage we walk out of the airport, and a car is waiting outside to drive us home. Mom keeps talking about how glad she is to have me home as I stare out my window to the city I love. Adam says nothing; just keeps busy with his phone.
As we enter through our gates, I see my childhood home; well, a home to me, but to the masses it’s a mansion. Two stories high, with all the charm of old New Orleans. The mansion is the color of burnt amber clay, with black pillars. The second floor has a balcony that wraps around the whole house with ornate cast-iron railings. There are a variety of summer flowers hanging from the baskets about the railings.
My bags are taken out of the car by our butler, James, who welcomes me home with open arms. I’ve missed him. He’s always been like a second father to me.
“James, I’ve missed you. How have you been?”
“Avery, look at you. You’ve grown into a beautiful woman. I’m so proud of you for graduating from that fancy school. I’m glad you didn’t forget about me. I received all your birthday cards, but honey, you shouldn’t have, I wanted you to have fun and not worry about me. Tell me you had some fun, Avery?”
Before I could answer, Adam intervenes, “Avery, I thought you would have learned by now not to fraternize with the help.”
I start to tell him something, but James stops me by squeezing my hand and shaking his head. I know he doesn’t want me saying anything, so I shut my mouth.
James leans over and whispers in my ear, “We’ll talk later. Welcome home, honey.”
I watch as they all walk inside, and I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself before I go in. I hate how Adam talks to James. I love that man. After my father died and my mother became depressed, he took it upon himself to care for me. We have been close ever since. Adam threatened a few times to fire James, but I have always gotten my way on that one. I couldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for him. James is family, more family than Adam will ever be. He has no right to fire him, and thank God my mom would never let that happen. She knows everything he did for me while she couldn’t be the parent I needed.
I take another deep breath before entering my hell, the place I call home.
3
Avery
It’s been three months since I came home. At first I tried to stand up to my parents, but now I’m back to giving up and accepting my fate.
Mom comes into the kitchen while I’m eating breakfast and tells me I need to be dressed and ready by seven tonight. She has a charity event she is co-sponsoring, and I am expected to be there. I lower my head because this is the last thing I need or want. Imagine being surrounded by a bunch of fake ass people. Now I must deal with the idea of running into any of my old classmates, which would be devastating to whatever self-worth I have left.
“Mom, do I have to go? I was hoping to finish my book tonight, and I’m tired.”
My mother turns and looks offended. “Avery, you know how important this is to me. And yes, you are going. I have your dress already picked out. You will get out of this house, attend, and you will try to apply yourself tonight. I want everyone to see you made it back home where you belong.”
She then softens her voice and says, “Please, Avery, try for me.”
“Okay, Mom, fine, I’ll go.”
She kisses my forehead and walks away. Now what am I supposed to do? I have to go to this stupid party and act like a well-behaved child.
I go upstairs to see what Mom has left for me to wear tonight. Just like I thought, it’s hideous. The dress looks like it was made for a child, not the woman I have become. It’s black taffeta and will cover every part of my body. I throw myself on the bed and start screaming into my pillow. I stop when I hear my phone ringing.
I fake a happy persona as I answer. “Hey Lucy, what’s up?”
“Avery, I miss you so much. It’s not the same without you. Please tell me how’s it going?”
I lie again, like every time I talk to her. I can’t stand the idea of telling her the truth. The truth that every day is a walking nightmare. How can I explain to her how I have allowed them to make me their whipping dog again?
I look down at the ugly dress lying on my bed and tell her, “It’s great, Lucy. I keep telling you things are so much better now. I think they finally realize I’m not a baby anymore. Tonight my mother is hosting a charity event, and you should see the beautiful dress she bought me.” With a rol
l of my eyes, I add, “It’s going to be great. I’ll get to see people I haven’t seen in years.”
“Bullshit. I know you keep telling me everything is better now, but Avery, I know you. I know you’re lying. Just tell me already what’s truly going on?”
Damn Lucy, why can’t she just let it go?
“I’m not lying, it really is great. Don’t worry about me. How’s everything over there?”
After an extended pause, in which I know she is considering trying to push me more, she finally gives up. “Well, my new roommate sucks. Oh, and Phil won’t stop pining over you. I swear that boy is in love.”
I start laughing. “He’s not in love. I think I’m just the first girl to ever turn him down, that’s all. He’ll get over me soon enough.”
“Maybe. Look, I just wanted to see how you were, but I’m running late, so I’ll try and call later this week, okay?”
“Yeah, that’s great. Love you.”
“Love you, too. And Avery, hang in there.” She hangs up before I can deny my life anymore.
I couldn’t tell her; it’s so embarrassing. The truth is, it’s been torture. Every day, my parents pick and tear away at me. No wonder I never meshed well with other people; they make me feel like I can’t do anything right, that I’m not good enough for them or society.
I am so tired of hearing about how I don’t have the right posture, my clothes look like I’m poor trash, my hair is too stringy, I read too much. I’m too smart for my own good. I love that one; I mean, what parent blames a child for being too smart? The list goes on and on. I look up towards the ceiling and pray someone or something will take me away from all this. I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. They wore me down to nothing all over again.
Later, I find myself putting on the awful dress and styling my hair into a tight bun, just like my mom wanted me to do. I apply a little makeup because lord knows if I put too much on, I’ll look like the slut they think I am.
As soon as I’m downstairs waiting to go, Adam walks into the room I’m sitting in.
“Jesus, Avery, is that how you’re going? You could at least try to look like you’re interested in boys. Is that it, Avery? Are you a lesbian? Is that why you walk around here all day dressed like a hobo, and now you look like an uptight spinster?”
I bow my head in shame; that’s what he does to me.
“Mom picked the dress out and told me to look like this.”
Right then, my mom walks in, looking beautiful. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong with the dress I picked for her?”
Adam covers his attack by saying, “Nothing, darling, it’s not the dress you picked. It’s just Avery. Look at her, Margaret. She’ll never find a husband like this. I think maybe it’s not our preaching. I think maybe Avery might like girls. I mean, that’s all I can think of now. I never met a girl who didn’t care about her appearance in front of men.”
She squints her eyes tight while studying me, then says, “Is he right, Avery? Is that why you fight me every step of the way? Are you into women?”
“No, Mom, I’m not into women, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. If you don’t want me going to the party, that’s fine. I’ll be happy to go back upstairs to my room.”
“Oh no, you don’t, young lady. You are going. I’m tired of people asking about you. You need to make an appearance. We don’t have time for you to change, so this will have to do. Just act pleasant, and please don’t embarrass us. This is important to me and Adam.”
How does she think I’m going to embarrass her? Who does she think I am? I have never struck out or rebelled, even when I should have. I always made good grades and graduated top of my class. I’m still a virgin, and I don’t do drugs, although right now I can see the allure. I don’t understand...what else does she want?
4
Avery
At the party, I wait for Mom to be too busy with her socializing to notice my escape to a corner of the room. I grab a glass of champagne and down it in one gulp. I need all the courage I can get. I watch people all around me talking and enjoying themselves. I can’t help secretly laughing at all the fakeness.
I curse under my breath when I notice my mother waving me over. Time to be pleasant. As I walk up to my mother and Adam, I see they’re talking to Catherine Stern. She is such a beautiful woman. She holds herself with elegance and class and yet has an edge to her that I feel should be taken as a warning to people.
“Mother, you wanted to see me?”
“Ah, yes, Avery. You remember Mrs. Stern, don’t you?”
“Yes, Mrs. Stern. It’s so good to see you again.”
Mrs. Stern looks me up and down, and I’m surprised by the way she smiles; it looks genuine, not fake like all the others.
“Avery, you have grown into a beautiful woman. I hear you’ve graduated from Harvard Business School. That’s very impressive.”
I smile back at her. She is the first woman to ever tell me I’m beautiful.
My mother jumps in. “Yes, she just graduated, but it’s not really a big deal; however, it does look good on her resume.” My mother’s reference to a resume is not in the sense of a career, but a resume for a husband. I look down at the floor as she continues. “Being educated these days is more important than what it used to be in our day. But of course, it’s just a degree. One day, she will take my place in society and hopefully make me proud.”
I look back up because there is silence. Catherine looks repulsed by my mother’s words, which interests me. Most women would just agree with her and nod their head. Catherine looks like my mother is off her rocker.
My mother ignores the look and asks, “Catherine, are your sons here with you tonight?”
“Gabriel is. He’s here somewhere with his date, Angelle Rollins.”
“Oh, now that woman is a beauty. She’s a wonderful pick for your son.”
I watch Catherine’s face sour in response to my mother. “Yes, well, Angelle is beautiful, but I prefer the beauty Avery holds. It’s not fake, it’s pure. Your daughter is the true beauty.”
My eyes go wide in shock. I have seen Angelle Rollins, and she is the perfect socialite, beautiful and at ease in the public eye. How can Catherine see more in me?
My mother clears her throat and says, “Well, I guess Avery is beautiful, but she needs to apply herself more. You know, if she would learn simple things like how to put her makeup on properly or—”
Adam interrupts, laughing, “Okay, that’s enough, Margaret. Catherine doesn’t want to hear about all the ways Avery has let us down.” He addresses Catherine now. “Catherine, where are your other sons?”
“They had other things that needed to be handled.” She was short and dry with her answer. I can see Adam doesn’t like Catherine all that much.
Before I can even finish thanking God that one of her sons is not here, my mother jumps in again while I watch the fiasco. “Oh yes, your son Liam, how is he? I will never forget how gracious he was to bail us out of our jam with Avery.”
I could die right now. Why would she bring this up again?
Right then, Gabriel and Angelle walk into our conversation. Angelle asks, “What did Liam do?”
My mother kisses Angelle’s cheeks and grabs her hands. “I was telling Catherine how grateful I am for her loaning Liam out to us on the night of Avery’s cotillion. If he wouldn’t have agreed to escort Avery, we would have been a laughing stock.”
Mother starts to whisper, but we can all hear her just fine. “Poor girl couldn’t get a date. Never even had a boyfriend.”
Kill me. Someone just kill me and put me out of my misery.
Catherine looks appalled. “Yes, well, it wasn’t too much of a struggle for him, I’m sure. Liam has always loved beautiful things, and Avery fits that bill. So, I am sure he was very pleased.”
I think I might love this woman. Without me saying a word, she has single-handedly put my mother and Adam in their place. I wish I could be more like her.
Ca
therine, her son and his date excuse themselves, and I’m left alone with my parents. Adam begins his tirade. “That woman has a lot of fucking nerve.”
My mother joins in. “Without William, that woman was nothing. Poor William, he brought an outsider in and had to make her a someone. She’s lucky I even considered Liam. If it wouldn’t have been that he is William’s son, I wouldn’t have cared how desperate we were; I would have never allowed him to escort you. Stay away from that family, you hear, Avery? They are not what anyone would consider good stock.”
I nod my head; if she only knew she never has to worry about that. Liam would never consider me. One time I thought differently, but then he showed his true colors.
Later towards the end of the night, Adam calls me over to introduce me to Senator Rollins. I found him very creepy; he kept his eyes on me the whole time and even licked his lips once. He made me feel like I needed a bath. Once his stare got too much for me to bear, I excused myself.
The rest of the night I spend watching Catherine Stern. My mother and Adam said some nasty things about her, but I like the woman. Then I think about how close I could have been to her if things would have turned out differently.
5
Avery
The next few nights are oddly quiet. Adam hasn’t tried to put me down, not once, and Mom is in her own world with her friends, so I am free to live in my bedroom. It has been wonderful.
On Thursday night, we have dinner as a family, and again Adam is pleasant to be around. Even Mom seems happy. I, however, feel like I’m in the twilight zone or something.
Art of Forgiveness Page 2