by W. A. R.
She shook her head and turned her back to him once again, fighting the rising bitterness. “I guess it doesn’t.” She spoke softly, her words laced with defeat. “Thank you for helping me.” She said, the last part sincere.
“Come on…don’t be that way…” he began but Amber slowly climbed from the base of the tree and once her feet were planted firmly on the ground, she began her destination to the house. He jumped into action and rushed forward, grabbing her elbow and turning her to him. “Stop running away!” he exclaimed and she jerked her elbow out of his grasp narrowing her eyes at him. Fresh pain washed through her as she looked at him, at the man that had always remained in her life; a boy turned man that had always done what he could for her. But then, she thought, it wasn’t the same…he wasn’t the same man as he was before and that hurt her more than anything else.
Her eyes blazed with a rekindled fire and he had to admit that it intrigued him. He had never witnessed her to be so angry, so wildly emotional. She had always been gentle, kind; nothing like the fire he witnessed before him. “Then don’t say you want to talk and then not comply with what that request means.” She snapped and he stared hard down at her. She was angry and he was simply unsure, hurting even. They both were.
“I just want to know what your problem is.” He told her, avoiding what her previous questions had been. He couldn’t discuss that with her, not yet. “And I’m not sure what me leaving has to do with it. We were never close, Amber.” He told her and the truth of it all hurt him, and judging by the look of shock, it hit her too. He instantly regretted his words and pressed his lips together in firm, straight line.
“Your leaving has everything to do with it.” She growled, and he could see tears filling her blue eyes. Oh…he thought, feeling his heart drop. She was hurt…she was really hurt. In their entire lives, after everything he had done to her and for her he had but once seen her cry and yet here she stood before him on the verge of tears. It shredded him into pieces and he was suddenly disgusted with himself
“Then please enlighten me.” He told her, throwing his hands into the air between them in an exaggerated gesture. He couldn’t help himself; he needed to know what was causing the rift between the two of them, if only so they could move past it.
She stared hard at him and felt something inside of her break at his words. What happened next was inevitable, and she couldn’t stop herself. “You have always been there when I needed you, whether I liked it or not, and whether you knew it or not.” He narrowed his eyes at her, wondering where exactly she was going with her statement. “You used to eat animal crackers, and after I gave you some, you just stopped. You used to buy my lunch, help me in the library…stuff like that.” Her words had the effect on his reaction as she had expected of him, and yet still, it felt like he dug the knife into her chest deeper.
He widened his eyes, feeling as if he were being cut open. “I don’t want to talk about this.” He stated and she stared hard at him as he shook his head, stepping to the side of her. She refused to let him turn away from this, from what he started and without thinking she reached forward and gripped his shirt, jerking him back around to her. He stared hard at her as he regained his balance. Her grip loosened only slightly, and she didn’t release him. Her tired eyes searched his face furiously. She was trying to read into his emotions, read his mind. She wanted to know what he was thinking. She fixed her eyes on his, feeling something deep within her warm at the connection and she continuing speaking, ignoring his stern plea.
“There have been countless times you have been there for me, for Brian, and it was every time I needed you. You brought me those flowers when I had Cassie and when I had Kyle. You sent me sweet notes and gestures…You helped me, my family…but you always seemed determined to remain a damn mystery, so I gave you that. Miles Preston…you were never a stranger to me.” She told him sadly and she fought the urge to hug him, to thank him for all that he had done for her. He instantly appeared shocked and infuriated. He hadn’t expected her to know all that he had done.
“You knew about everything?” he asked before he could stop himself and she released her hold on him, taking a slight step back. His voice was a deep rumble; gruff and intimidating. He was angry, as was she.
She met his stare and straightened her shoulders. “I know everything, but that isn’t what we are talking about, is it?” she bit out and the venom in her voice caused him to scowl. He didn’t say another word to her; instead, he turned and began towards the house, fists clenched at his sides. She rushed towards and around him, effectively blocking his path. His face was red, and his eyes held loathing for her. She didn’t care. He had started this and she was going to finish it. She shook her head, the tenderness of her wound making her vision swim slightly. “You came back in the end, you saved me. You always came back, and I always thought you would.”
“Move.” He told her and she stood her ground.
“No.” was her reply and he narrowed his eyes to slits. “You started this mess and now you are going to listen.”
“None of what you’ve told me makes any sense, Amber.” He told her sharply and she felt a piercing pain at his lack of understanding. She assessed him and saw the war that raged in his eyes. He knew, and he understood, he simply wanted to deny it. And then it was her turn to begin questioning his animosity towards her.
She swallowed helplessly, feeling the tears coming. “Doesn’t it?” she asked him and he swallowed.
“Why? Just answer that. Why?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. When he didn’t move, she sighed, feeling the tears try to push through her barrier; because what she was going to say next was what really hurt her. What she said next was going to be the honest truth. There were bound to be questions…questions she even asked herself, but she wasn’t sure she could answer them. All she could offer him was what was on her mind right then.
“Because I waited for you like I have always done! And when I needed you, you weren’t there. I had no idea what happened to you...you just…left.” she said firmly and he appeared as if he had been hit in the gut.
“That isn’t fair…” he began but she cut him off.
“Fair? You don’t get to tell me what’s fair!” He grimaced at her words, but she continued, refusing to let him speak, unsure if she could handle it if he did. She felt the tears snake their way across her face, their warmth alerting her to their presence. She didn’t care; she had already gone too deep and there was no turning back. “I kept hoping you would show up when I needed you. After the outbreak, for the longest time I expected you to come in and take the burden off of me for the things I had to do. It isn’t fair to you …but…you were that one constant for me, and I began to resent you for it when you weren’t there anymore.” She felt her bottom lip quivering and embarrassment overwhelmed her. She couldn’t stop her rambling, couldn’t stop the words that tumbled form her mouth. “Every single person that I killed was one that I loved, and every time I took their life away I despised you a little more. I grew to hate the very thought of you.” She told him between clenched teeth, not missing the fresh pain that swept across his face. “So, last night, after everything, seeing you, alone, just tore me apart inside, and for that I am so very sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” She told him, honestly. She looked at him pleadingly, desperate for his acceptance and she was unsure why that was so important. “So I am sorry…I am sorry for being angry and most of all I’m sorry I was upset in the first place.” She stated firmly, her breathing ragged and unsteady. She watched as he tried to hold in the shock that hit him at that statement; the same shock that hit her while saying it when she realized she had meant it. Her conscience began to feel substantially better and she inhaled a quivering breath. “And I know we were never close, as you so kindly pointed out but didn’t you think I would be worried about you? Did you think we wouldn’t have helped you?”
“Amber…”
“On second thought, let me make a correction. I thought you were
dead and what angered me the most, what tore me apart inside, is that you wouldn’t let us help you, you wouldn’t let me be there for you when your world came crumbling down.” She admitted, crossing her arms as her mind raced. “Regardless of any of the bad shit that has happened to us in the past, I do care about you and I always have, you jackass.” Her words were like ice, freezing time if for a brief moment. She heard him clear his throat, and she refused to look at him. She could feel his eyes stare holes into her.
“I couldn’t always be there for everything and you damn well know it. It is an impossibility.” He told her through clenched teeth. His eyes were fierce as he glowered down at her. He was choosing to still ignore what happened when he left, alone, that night the world came to an end. She was too hurt to bother anymore. “How could you really expect so much of me, Amber? Newsflash! I am not superhuman! I am no fucking hero!” he exclaimed at her and she felt what was left of her emotional barrier finish crumbling.
“You were my hero!” she shouted back at him. Her breathing was hard and uneven and she visibly shook from the war raging inside of her.
He seemed as if he had been slapped. “Whatever.” He told her and she took a step back from him. “If you ever cared you would have told me that you had known everything a long time ago.” He bit out before he leaned on his feet a little, his face coming closer to hers. “You have become a heartless and selfish woman and I regret ever coming out here.”
She narrowed his eyes at him, feeling the hurt that ripped through her at his words. “And if you ever cared you wouldn’t have hid behind anonymity. This outbreak has made you a bitter and hateful man.” She wasn’t going to say she regretted his presence because she had gotten to say things that she needed to say. Still, however, she needed him to leave before she became a complete emotional basket case. “You got your answers now leave.”
He stared at her for a long moment before turning on his heel and stomping away. “Gladly.” He ground out as Amber stared after his retreating back. She glanced up through tear-filled eyes and saw Brian and George stand on the back porch of the house, watching as Miles made his way to them. Amber turned away from him, her face red and hot. She leaned against the tree, hiding from the inquiring eyes of her brother and her friend before she lowered her head into her hands. It was only then that she let herself cave in and break down. The weight of Regina’s death and George’s near death; her crippling fear the night before and absolutely every death she had been forced to give like some hand-crafted gift; the heart ache that stemmed from Miles’s actions and words along with her relief that he was alive…it all crushed her and she couldn’t stop the uncontrollable sobs that wreaked havoc on her body.
“How did we end up doing the dirty work?” George asked as they made their rounds of the perimeter, sunset long past gone. The day had passed with no problem. They had gathered any and all items they could find and make use of and piled it all into the two trucks while taking turns boiling water and having a quick bath. George absently ran his free hand through his hair, his other hand holding the flashlight. Even though it was quick, and nothing compared to what used to be, he felt better than he had in months. He had found a place, a safe haven, with good people. Bobby constantly sat on his mind, as did Regina; but he had to move forward. He knew he had to.
His son and he had been very close, but not as close as Bobby and Regina had been. That was how he had known, whether he accepted it at the time or not, that Regina had gone crazy. If she could do that to her son, their son, then she had to have been mental. He had cried and mourned over Bobby for a week in desolation before Amber walked in, changing everything. He might not have been able to save Bobby, but he could at least help Cassie and Kyle. Cassie had been a friend of Bobby’s. And it wasn’t that he wouldn’t miss Bobby; a big part of him had died that day, but he realized that he was there for a purpose. He had been unable to pull the trigger every single time he had placed the barrel of his gun to his chin while in his depressed state, and he had been unsure why. Now however, he knew that there was a better purpose for him. He had survived the outbreak, coincidently ran in to Amber, and survived the crash, only to be rescued by Brian and Miles. There was a greater purpose for him, he just knew it.
Then again, while he forced memories of Bobby out of his mind because of the overwhelming grief, he had to force Regina out of his mind because of the overwhelming hatred. He didn’t want to hate her, and he understood that she wasn’t in her right mind when everything happened; it was just that he hated who she became when she cheated, lied, and for the drugs she had taken…all before the outbreak occurred. The incidents with Bobby and the car were just icing on the cake. Watching Brian and Miles in front of him, he smiled. He wasn’t sure what the future held for them, but he did know that he would follow that group wherever they went.
“You know how it goes.” Brian smiled, twirling the hammer between his fingers. “Men always do the dirty work.” George felt himself chuckle, then glanced at Miles. The man was quiet, observant and George wasn’t sure exactly what to think of him. He obviously cared about Brian and Amber, and Brian seemed to heartily trust him; however he had yet to say much about anything. Amber seemed almost livid with him, and had since he had seen the two interact. It was curious, and George was left questioning their past, his history with the siblings, but he wouldn’t ask; especially after the obvious fallout that he and Amber had had earlier in the day. Really, she had avoided everyone and George knew that she was overwhelmed and guilty. He knew he should talk to her, but that would involve him unearthing his own emotions and he wasn’t sure if he could. Repression was tricky. “By the way Preston, I had a small discussion with Amber while you were otherwise ‘indisposed’.”
Miles cleared his throat in what George could only assume was embarrassment after widening his eyes in shock. “Yeah, well…” he began trailing off, shrugging.
“You’re not even going to talk about it?” Brian laughed lightly, turning to George. “This guy.... He was Amber’s Romeo...sending her little gifts and stuff.” He teased and Miles ran a hand across his face. “I always wondered who those were from but she never said anything.”
“Can we please not talk about this?” Miles groaned against Brian’s taunting and George’s laughter.
“Why not?” Brian smiled conspiringly, slapping Miles on the shoulder. “Whatever happened between you two today obviously did a number on her, so I’m sure it did a number on you too.” George skimmed the flashlight across the fence.
Miles sighed “You aren’t wrong.” He admitted gruffly.
Brian paused for a moment and looked at Miles curiously. “What happened?”
“There were just some things explained that I wasn’t expecting and I just…I didn’t handle it very well.” He told Brian vaguely.
Brian nodded and glancing up at the night sky for a moment. “She will get past it. She is just shocked and dealing with her own emotions…problems we have no idea about. You mean more to her than you realize.” Turning to where George’s flashlight had landed, there was a Biter reached for them from across the barbed wire fence. The fence bit through the rotted flesh and George began to feel sick. Shivers ran down his spine and he wondered how the others handled the Biters so well. He would have to remember to ask them. “Well, well, we have a live one here.” Brian said calmly before bringing the hammer down with such force blood splattered on George’s shirt. George grimaced, watching as Miles stood there tense, his eyes and mind somewhere else.
“I really hate those things.” George said as Brian dug his hammer out of the Biter’s skull.
“It isn’t so bad once you get used to it.” Brian replied, his cheeks flushed from the excitement. “They are always dangerous, and I don’t ever mean to come off as cocky, in case you were wondering about me. We just have to stay on top of our game.” Brian offered before taking the hammer, pushing it against the body and shoving it back and off of the wire.
“Is there a certain reason
why?” George asked, turning the flashlight to the right and spotting another Biter. Brian sighed and began the few feet towards it, hammer gripped firmly in his hand.
“Well,” Brian said, rearing back the hammer once again as the Biter moaned. “When everything started going bad, we lost a lot of people. We have had to kill family, friends who had become Biters and some….” He paused before slamming the hammer down. He seemed to be channeling any pent up emotion he had into the swing. Miles turned to them and their conversation as Brian began digging the hammer back out. “Our grandmother, two uncles, and our cousin and his ten year old boy were bitten…no, not bitten …they were eaten, and by the time we had gotten to them, it was too late. They couldn’t have made it. We had no choice but to take care of it. And then there is the entire town of Thurston that is just full of familiar faces. We have just learned to let things go and never let our guard down. That’s all you can do once your family becomes monsters and you are killing children you knew on a regular basis.” He paused, remembering Amber’s cries earlier that afternoon…the ones she thought he hadn’t heard. He shuddered. “When it seems hard to let go, sometimes it’s simply easier to be angry. It may take longer to come to terms with, but it can be done.”
George nodded, taking in all of the information. He felt guilt wash over him; he only thought he had it rough. Everyone had their own personal battles, he thought, some worse than others. “I am sorry about that.” He offered, rubbing the back of his neck. Brian turned to him.
“I’m not. It has made me stronger; made me who I am today.” He said confidently, his voice never wavering. George looked at him sympathetically. Brian sighed, then conceding George’s empathy. “It does get hard sometimes, which is why I am so surprised you are handling your wife and son’s death so hard. I know Amber is finally trying to come to terms with it, so I know it must be hurting you.”