by W. A. R.
“Couldn’t sleep again?” his deep voice rumbled as he ambled his way to the porch. Brian shot her a wistful grin and stepped lightly up the steps before turning and taking a seat beside her on the top step facing the front gate. She smiled at him knowingly. Brian; her brother, her friend. He was thrilled at having the two men at the house with them. It seemed to help him with the tension growing between him and Shelly. Hell, Amber wasn’t even sure if he had noticed the increasing distance with Shelly. He, too, had been staying busy, as if there was something heavy on his mind. She wondered what it could have been. She rubbed a hand across her face.
“Of course not. Where have you been?” she asked him lightly and he chuckled before pointing to one of the trucks along the fence line.
“I sat in there for a while. Figured you needed your time.” He told her, smiling gently and Amber couldn’t resist the chuckle that escaped her lips. Always the thoughtful brother, she thought to herself, feeling her heart warm at his actions and words. It was who he was, this caring man, and she wondered what she would ever do without him.
She bit back an unwelcome yawn and turned back to the pinkish glowing of the sky over the trees. “Anything exciting happen last night?” she asked and he tossed her an incredulous look which she read into immediately. ‘If there was, don’t you think I would have told you?’ She shrugged in response to his lack of words. “Just asking.” She replied and he laughed at her.
He glanced towards the house. “How’s Elliot adjusting?” he asked. Amber grinned lightly at his question. Yes, that boy had definitely adjusted. Kyle had taken to him immediately, and he to Kyle. The two were inseparable. Kyle exuded a big brother attitude towards the young boy, and Cassie even became a little protective over him. She was already familiar with the big sister role, however, while Kyle wasn’t and at times he took it to extremes. Elliot sometimes couldn’t even fix his own plate without Kyle informing him of how it should be. Amber and Miles had sat down with the boy one evening alone, with the exception of Shelly keeping watch at the door for them, and spoke to him about what had happened. Brian was keeping their father and mother busy while George was doing the same with Cassie and Kyle. They had needed to talk about the events of that dreaded night and they couldn’t do so around them. They had agreed to not release the details to them; they simply couldn’t. But, Elliot had needed the discussion and they all needed to be assured of how he was dealing with his mother’s horrible death; so they opted for a quick guarded discussion. When they had sat down across from him, he had turned his knowing brown eyes to them and pinned them with his simple innocent stare. Amber had asked how he was handling everything and he replied in accented English ‘I’m happy I’m here. I never had a big brother. It hurts but I have a new family.’ At that point tears had begun forming in Shelly’s eyes, and Amber was sure she was remembering her grandmother. The conversation that followed was similar to his first answer. There was obviously some pain that came with what had happened, and he had even had routine nightmares the first few weeks, but they were almost gone and he appeared…happy. They had made an agreement to speak to him again in a few weeks’ time.
“He is doing really well.” She told him gently. “I was worried he would hate us for what happened to his mother…”
“Or that he would get depressed and angry?” Brian offered, finishing her sentence. In all reality, she was surprised at the fact that Elliot wasn’t. It seemed odd to her. She remembered being a five year old little girl, and she thought if she were in his shoes, she would be angry at the world, taking out her frustrations on them all…doing nothing but causing herself more pain.
“Yeah,” she replied, glancing at the light over the trees once again. “But he isn’t. He seems genuinely happy and he’s slowly coming to terms with what happened.” She hesitated, not wishing to imagine what the boy was emotionally going through any longer. She sighed. “George and Miles seem to be doing better too. You’ve done good.” She said gently, acknowledging his friendship towards the three newcomers. She caught his eye and smiled warmly at her brother. “I’m real proud of you.”
Brian nodded absently before smirking at her. “I agree. You haven’t done too bad yourself.”
She grinned knowingly at him. “You sound just like Mom; sarcastic wit and all.”
He grinned back at her. “And you sound just like Dad; always so positive and sincere.” He chuckled before continuing. The tone of his voice became serious and she knew he was speaking from his heart. “We have done good, sis. Real good.” And for a moment they were silent, reveling in one another’s admiration. This was them, brother and sister, in one of their best moments. He reached up and placed an arm around her shoulders and she leaned over resting her head on his shoulder as they watched the rising sun. It was bright, and the colors had begun to fade from pink and purple to orange. She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes for a moment and taking in the atmosphere. It was calming, relaxing. “Something’s up with Shelly now though.” Amber turned to him sadly. So he had noticed. Amber didn’t move, and neither did he. He wanted to talk, and Amber realized that this was what was lying so heavily on his heart.
She sighed, finding sudden interest in her nails as she continued to lean against him. “I know. I’m sorry.”
He twirled his pocket knife in the fingers of his free hand. “So you’ve noticed too, huh.” He replied, more of a statement than a question. He squeezed her shoulders a little. “I didn’t want to take her there. I really didn’t. I knew it was going to hurt her and I tried to keep her from it.”
“I know, Brian. But that…that was something she needed to do…no matter how much it hurt. You can’t always keep her from pain.”
“I can try.” He replied stubbornly, earning a chuckle from Amber. He smiled. “I just wish I knew how to make it better…easier…for her. I’ve tried everything.”
“Have you given her any space?” she asked and he was silent. She eased her head from his shoulder and his hand dropped from her own shoulder and he drug it to his lap. She looked at him dubiously. “Please tell me you haven’t been bugging her.” Again he was silent and she groaned. “Brian!”
“What? I worry about her!” he replied in defense. Amber shifted on her seat, anticipating her next words. She knew he wasn’t going to like them, but he needed to hear them; he needed to understand what Shelly needed.
“Do you remember how you felt after Nana Smith?” He vaguely nodded at her words and she knew she had to go a step deeper into the painful memories. “After Rick?” His head snapped up and he turned his grey eyes to her blue ones and she knew she had hit a nerve. It was intended, and yet it still bothered her all the same. “She probably feels the same way right now. She lost the one person that was there for her always…She probably feels as if she let Diane down…I mean, her grandmother was all alone when all of this happened. You just needed a little time, and she probably does too.”
He rubbed both hands across his face in exasperation. “I know…it’s just. I love her. I can’t lose her. Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for her.” He told her and Amber knew that he was talking of his keeping her safe here instead of going to find her grandmother. And she understood then.
“You think she resents you?” Amber asked and Brian dropped his hands from his chin, turning from her. Her eyebrows furrowed in sadness and she ran her palms along the curve of her knees. “Oh Brian. She loves you…how could she resent you?” she asked and she shrugged his shoulders.
“I kept her from her grandmother…and when I finally took her it was too late. She resents me for Elliot’s mother; for what we had to do. She resents me for having to do everything I’ve done. She thinks I’ve changed.”
“You have.” She told him and he scoffed at her. Amber glanced behind her at the front door as footsteps echoed throughout the house. “But she knows you have had to do what you’ve done. Give her time. The more you are on her case about it, the more withdrawn she’ll become. When she is ready to talk abou
t it, she’ll talk.” She paused for a moment, reflecting on her own thoughts to hopefully help him through this rough time. “The world is so different than it was and no one knows how to handle these things…but we all have each other and we can guess at what the other person needs to help them through. And I think Shelly just needs some time to think…and possibly so do you.”
Brian turned to her and grinned. “Alright, alright. I’ll back off.” He promised her.
“Remind her that you love her, though. She needs to hear that.” Amber told him before he nodded vaguely, uncertain. This thought saddened her. He was so tightly wound. Yes, Amber thought, though the world wicked, they still needed to be assured of that one emotion. They were human after all, and what good was it living in a world where that emotions was shunned because of creatures that couldn’t feel such a thing? “It’s alright to give in once in a while when you have someone to catch you.” She said, catching him by surprise. She laughed lightly. “What good is it surviving if there is nothing in this world left to enjoy?” She asked, glancing up at the rising sun, hearing the door creak open behind her.
Brian glanced up while Amber stared ahead. Brian turned back to her and stroked his chin. “So what are your plans for the day?” he asked, effectively changing the subject and Amber exhaled slowly; a thought forming in her mind. Brian was being a bit emotional and he needed to exude some of his frustrations and yet she knew that he would listen to her advice. She had an idea of what to do to make things better for both him and Shelly.
“I think we need to go scavenge.” She trailed off, hoping he caught on. He needed to get out, Shelly needed to her space...he turned and smiled, showing his genuine boyish grin. The boot-laden footsteps stopped behind her and she turned to glance at the newcomer. “Hi.” She grinned at George who was eyeing her and Brian suspiciously. “We were just talking about what we were going to do today.”
“And it involves leaving.” Miles said rounding the corner of the house. Heat rushed to her cheeks and she wondered how long he had been standing there. She knew he rose with the sun but she hadn’t expected him to eavesdrop on their conversation. She studied him for a moment. He appeared almost…angry with her.
“For how long?” George asked reluctantly and she shrugged. She turned back to glance once again at his worried expression. Amber could have hurt Miles for instilling that worry into his already overwhelmed mind.
“Just a few hours. We will grab a few things and come right back.” She replied and George sighed.
“Is it safe?” he asked and Amber sighed. They were getting nowhere fast with this conversation. Before she could open her mouth, however, her daughter spoke from behind her.
“It isn’t unusual. They always scavenge once a month or every other month for things we would need.” She said and Amber turned to her, catching a curious look on her face. Amber was surprised to find her up so early. Amber quickly rose to her feet, turning to face the people on the porch, watching as her father stepped into the doorway, a coffee cup of water in hand.
“Wouldn’t that draw attention to the house?” Miles asked harshly and she turned a curious glare to him.
“Not anymore than normal. I think it would be a good idea. I would like some new reading material.” Jackson said and Amber turned to smile at him. He winked at her from his place at the door, understanding her reasoning for even suggesting the outing. Brian needed it, and hell, if she were honest, she needed it as well. Brian slowly stood and stretched his tense muscles.
“It has been a month...and it wouldn’t hurt to get more stuff…” He lifted his brows at Amber. She grinned at him. “I’m in.”
“Awesome.” She said excitedly, turning and ambling off of the porch. “Anyone else?” she asked and George chuckled, shaking his head.
“I promised the kids I would go fishing with them today. We need the fish anyways.” He said by way of an excuse. He wasn’t ready to leave the comfort of the fence and that was ok. They all understood. For a moment no one else spoke about the task. Instead, Jackson addressed George, asking that George show him some special trick when tossing his fishing line. Amber watched Brian, who was making his way down the stairs as well.
“I guess it’s just me and you then. Leave in about two hours?” he asked as he stepped down beside her and she nodded, reaching for her knife on its holster and then checking that her pistol was in the waistband of her jeans.
“Sounds good. I’ll be ready whenever you are…”
“I’m in.” Miles’s words suddenly cut through the mass of voices surrounding her and she snapped her gaze to his. His stare was intense and frightening, but not in a bad way. It frightened her because she felt everything within her ignite and grow taut. She shook her head in response without realizing it. Obviously he wasn’t ready to leave the house; his paranoia was too great. He overburdened himself with work. He simply wasn’t ready. He stepped forward quickly, and she felt frozen under his determined stare. “Yes I am.” He stated as if reading her mind and she gasped. “And I am going.” He stepped back then and stared at her for a long moment before he turned away and stalked off towards the back of the house. She watched him until he disappeared. Only then did she release the breath she had been holding.
“What was that all about?” She heard Brian ask of her and Amber stood, staring wide-eyed at the point where he had disappeared behind the house. She realized her heart was slowing down and she knew then that her heart had been hammering painfully against her ribs. She sucked in an unsteady breath.
She shook her head in wonder and confusion. “I have no idea.”
They had traveled a good twenty minute drive to the small community of Angola, which was about fifteen miles from the bigger town of El Dorado. Miles glanced over the length of the front seat to Brian and he wondered if they ever went to that city. It was a bigger city, though not nearly as big as Takilma, but still biggish. It was bound to be surrounded by these dead creatures that wondered around in their bloodlust. Amber sat in the backseat, oddly quiet and then yet again, Brian and a CD in the radio, turned down real low. It was nice, the song, and it fit his current mood, whatever that was. He closed his eyes and turned his focus to the window, watching as the trees rolled by. Brian turned left on a dirt road, the road bumpy from weather, erosion, and they had slowed down in order to get over the holes easy enough. He released a breath, frustration weighing on him.
Things had been going well…really well, actually, and then he had rounded the corner that morning to hear what Amber had said. The past month had eased the grip on his heart and there had been times he came close to telling Amber everything that she needed to know…or rather, everything he needed to tell her. Why did he need to tell her? He wasn’t sure. Then again, why had he always needed to be near her, to look after her? It wasn’t a question he had ever answered, and yet he knew the answer to it all the same. He had only thought they shared a connection before, but after the past month spending at least some part of every day with her he realized that he had grown even more attached. He simply couldn’t let her go; which inevitably led to that morning. He had woken early as usual and had made his way out the back door so he didn’t alert anyone that was asleep in the living room. Once he had been outside he heard their voices, and so he was going to round the house and make his presence known. But then Amber’s words had echoed in his ears and they stopped him short in his task. ‘What good is it surviving if there is nothing in this world left to enjoy?’ And the thought ran through his mind like a disease, consuming him, burning him, searing itself on his psyche. She was entirely right, he thought, so why did he feel so guilty? Was it because he wasn’t enjoying the life he had to its fullest? Yes, he thought, he could admit that he shoved most of them away…although it was tough to do so. Amber well, she was a force of her own. There was no escaping her; there never was. The children continued to needle their way into his thoughts, into his heart. They were always asking if he needed any help or if they could do anything. No
ne of their questions were asked without a certain twinkle in their eyes that made Miles knew there was more they wanted to ask; there was more they wanted to say. They never did however, and Miles understood that they had gotten that from their mother. Elliot as a different story, always clinging to Amber, Shelly, and Miles…that never helped the tugging on Miles’s heartstrings. No, he thought, they were too difficult to push away and so every time they were around they dug a little deeper into a heart he once thought wasn’t even there.
All of this had crossed his mind whenever she had said those words, but all of that sentimentality was gone with her next words of going scavenging. Everything inside of him had gone cold and when he heard George’s voice, he decided to act on his frustration. She couldn’t leave, couldn’t go through risking her life again. Was she crazy? She had nearly died the last time had it not been for divine intervention and the force of her friends. She still had a scar on her cheek from the last time. Then again, she had a scar on her slightly bent nose from Jenson’s Farm Supply. He groaned. That woman had come near death far too many times. He couldn’t risk losing her again. And he stood there, fuming, all the while they all discussed the outing as if it were nothing, as if the world wasn’t frightening. His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach and he could feel himself shaking from the emotion that rolled through him. There was no changing their minds and so, he did the only thing he could think of doing, the only thing that would assuage his worries of her being kept safe. He had already lost Michael…he couldn’t lose her. And so he agreed to go.