by W. A. R.
He shook his head, unsure why these thoughts came uninvited. That was a lie. He knew what had come over him. They were alone to talk, about anything, everything in the silence of the outside world. He shook his head. He shouldn’t be in there. Bobby-Jean can comfort Amber because he couldn’t. He simply couldn’t without becoming emotionally involved with her. Hell, he had already been emotionally involved with her for years. Is that such a bad thing? A small voice in the back of head asked and he quickly turned and replaced his hand on the door knob, opening the door. Yes, it was. It would only get in the way of their survival. That was why he had avoided her…to protect her. You still love her, don’t you? The voice asked him and he stopped. Love? Well, he reasoned, of course he did. He always had, and he always would. It wasn’t even a question he had ever asked himself; it was always just something he knew. He had been in love with her for so long, he wasn’t sure he could survive without that tether to her. But it wasn’t something she needed, or wanted for that matter…or was it? Still, logic persuaded him, that love wouldn’t keep her, Kyle, and Cassie safe. Wouldn’t it? It has so far, hasn’t it? The voice asked, and he began to become irritated. He knew he shouldn’t stay there, but as soon as he took the first step out of the door, he heard her speak.
“Are you still there?” he heard her ask. Her voice was so low through the wood of the door that he almost hadn’t heard her, as if unsure of what she wanted his answer to be. He stared down at his hand on the door knob. Did he ever really have a choice as far as she was concerned? Was this the way it was always going to go eventually? Those questions flowed through his veins, igniting the flame that burned within his heart and yet still leaving him with uncertainty.
“Of course.” He told her, beginning to close the door when he heard the closet door open, and the soft drag of her feet against the carpet caught his ears. She was quiet as he turned to face her. Her T-shirt was damp from her wet hair, and her jeans seemed to fit her a little loosely, but they fit her well. He looked up at her, pressing the door a little harder to hear the audible click that ensured that the door was indeed closed. Her eyes studied him, uncertain and almost fearful and he knew that he had put that look there; he wished he could take away the horrible images that had helped create that fear and concern.
“Were you leaving?” she asked, her voice quivering and her eyes expectant as she tried to look away and pull her hair into a messy ponytail. He watched her move across the room to the bag that rested on the floor beside him. She leaned down and began digging through the bag, distracting herself.
“Never.” He told her, and though his heart raced with anticipation, he understood that she needed him; and not just a friend. She needed someone who understood her, and why she addressed things the way she did. Someone who had watched her hope and become disappointed, again and again, if only so they could redirect her to that hope she so desperately clung to. The hope that was so uniquely her. She glanced up at him before standing, pulling a pair of socks from the bag and raising a curious brow at him.
“Are you going to give me something other than two syllables to work with?” she asked him before leaning down to put her new socks on her feet. He cleared his throat and said the first thing that came to mind.
“Maybe.” he replied and she glanced at him quickly, feeding him the fleeting grace that was who she had become. He couldn’t stop his mind from remembering how those lips had tasted, how they had felt whenever they moved against his own. He couldn’t forget the promise that he had made her that he very well could have fulfilled a week before but had avoided doing. He cursed himself.
“I must say I’m surprised you aren’t still avoiding me.” she told him, straightening her stance before looking directly at him. There was such turmoil in her eyes; he wanted nothing more than to make her forget it all. “I more or less expected you to.” And he visibly winced at her words. She wasn’t wrong. Of course she knew of his actions.
“I had my reasons.” He told her thickly and she placed her hands firmly on her hips.
“I bet you did.” She countered and he rubbed a hand across his face, unsure of how to shake the guilty feelings that coursed through him.
He swallowed, deciding to offer her some form of assurance. “I’m not running right now.” And Amber immediately fell into him, wrapping her arms slowly around his neck and pulling him close. Her cheek rested against his shoulder and he could feel her breath on his neck. He slowly folded his arms around her, pulling her even closer into his embrace. The feel of her against him made him feel so…complete.
“Thank you. I could really use a friend right now.” Her voice was but a whisper against his ear and he resisted the urge to shiver. Her words were an addiction, making him yearn for more. They stood silent for a few minutes, and he held her. He held her even as he felt the tears snake their way across her cheek and land on his shirt, making it damp and cold against his warm skin. He held her as she shuddered with every aching sob that wrenched itself free of her mouth. And he held her even as he felt himself come undone. For those few minutes, he forgot the world around him and he was left with something so complacent and assuring. She was the first to pull away, and he let his hands fall from her as she wiped desperately at her wet eyes. And for a brief moment he felt empty.
He cleared his throat, wanting to break the silence because simply, the silence worried him. “Are you okay?” he asked her and she sniffled, nodding. Slowly, she turned away from him as if ashamed of her tears. Before his mind had time to process his next move, he reached forward and grabbed her elbow, stopping her. She refused to look at him and he brought his free hand to her chin, tilting it up. Her sad eyes looked back at him and he felt his heart ache. “There is nothing to be ashamed of.” And she quickly jerked away, walking across the room to grab her boots from the floor and leaving Miles standing in surprise. What had he said wrong? She furiously tugged on her boots, unsuccessful in her attempts. She was too angry. Finally, she stopped moving and simply sat still, staring at the boot that was in her hand, lost in thought.
“You know,” she began, lifting her head and staring into the distance at nothing in particular. “It just isn’t fair, what happened to him…what happened to all of us. This world…it is so cruel and…we have to be cruel to survive in it. I’m surprised we have made it this long. ” She said sadly, and he walked slowly over to her, leaning against the wall and lowering himself to the floor beside her. He brought his knees up and rested his elbows against them as he twisted his fingers together in angst. He searched his mind for the right thing to ease hers, coming up with only frail attempts.
“So it’s the revised way of the world that you are angry at.” He stated looking at the floor before him. From the corner of his eye, he caught her sorrowful gaze and his powerlessness tore him apart.
“In short, yes. I mean…These new Biters and the very real possibility of monstrous people close by…I knew there was bound to be some twisted individuals out there somewhere but I was naive enough to think we were safe. And in the wake of all of this we find Rick…What are we supposed to do?”
“We keep trying. There is nothing else we can do.” He told her, and he saw disappointment paint her features before he continued. “And the whole of the world isn’t ‘cruel’. Look at what we have here. There are bound to be others like us out there somewhere; good people struggling to make it in a horrible place. Where is the woman who had so much faith in humanity?” he asked roughly, genuinely curious.
She shrugged and rubbed a palm across her bent knee. “She’s angry and not understanding. She’s tired and afraid. She knows we are going to lose people and she can’t come to terms with that. You’ve changed too, ya know. Where is the man who was bitter and angry?” She replied and he leaned his head against the wall behind them, closing his eyes in thought.
“He’s found something beautiful in a world of destruction and darkness. He’s tired, but he is certainly not afraid anymore. I’d say that he has realized he ha
d something worth fighting for all along. And hey, we lost people before this happened too, remember?”
She sighed. “It was never like this. Look at what happened with Rick. And Brian is so hurt…” And Miles couldn’t help but concede her point. He fought back the urge to ask her what had happened between the siblings and the strange man on the couch that they claimed as their cousin. He couldn’t ask, however; they would tell him what happened whenever they were ready.
“Yeah, but we saved him, helped him. I’m sure he will wake up just fine. And Brian is in Shelly’s hands. He will be okay.”
“How do you know that?” she asked him, sarcasm dripping from every word and he seemed to ponder this for a moment before answering.
He shrugged. “He just needs someone to talk to. Who better to talk to than someone that understands him like no one else does? I mean, you know him better than most, but Shelly reaches him on a completely different level.” He said, the words ringing true in his own ears. Was that why Bobby-Jean had asked him to check on her? He swallowed, watching as the words ran through her mind before she nodded.
“I guess you’re right. But still, if Rick is not in his right mind, it will only be harder for him.” She said thoughtfully and he offered her a small smile of assurance.
“All we can do right now is wait and see. It sucks, but it is the only option we have. Acceptance of horrible events is something we have to learn to handle in life in general. It just isn’t so sugarcoated anymore. Brian is strong enough to handle it, IF it happens.” He told her and she shook her head.
“Sugarcoated?” she asked him, trying desperately to hide a grin.
He looked at her as if daring her to challenge him. “Sugarcoated.”
“Okay, okay…what about those people that created those Biters? What is your counterargument for them?” she asked him, smiling lightly and he shrugged. He suddenly felt as if he were making a difference; guiding her back to the light and promise of a better future where she belonged.
“That is still on your mind, huh?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
She cast him a sidelong glance and smiled gently. “Of course.”
He sighed at her response, wanting nothing more than to remove the melancholy look from those beautiful blue eyes of hers. “They are aliens from another planet, sent here to find the recipe for the perfect human genetic code.” He said wistfully on a grin and he heard her chuckle.
“Well, they are SOL. We all have flaws.” She said and he stared at her blankly for a moment, some part of him wanting to debate her statement, but he decided against it.
“They might decide they like your flaws.” He teased her and her impish grin transformed into a full blown smile. She gently nudged his arm with her shoulder.
“Stop it. That is just silly.” She told him, trying not to laugh.
He looked at her as if offended. “How is that so far-fetched? I happen to like your flaws.” And she tossed him a pointed look, causing him to grin.
“I was talking about the aliens.” She stated, looking back at the floor.
“I was talking about you.” He countered, and he could have sworn he saw a blush highlight her cheeks in the dim, orange light. After a brief moment, he conceded. “Alright, fine. You win. These people and these new Biters are certainly new territory, but…we will handle it when it comes to it. I mean, we handled the end of the world, surely we can handle them. And who knows, maybe they aren’t so bad. Maybe they were trying to create a different outcome.”
She glanced up at him meaningfully. “You know as well as I do that those people aren’t good people. They can’t be.”
He shrugged at her accusation. “We simply don’t know, do we?” he asked her and he watched as she slowly agreed, nodding her head in response. He deliberately slid an arm across her shoulders, feeling his chest tighten at the motion, and even more so as she leaned willingly against him. “Everything will be alright. We…we just have to stay strong.” At this she huffed at him and he leaned forward, tilting his head slightly to look at her. He grinned at her. “What?”
She looked at him as if he had hurt her and that action tore at his heart. “You don’t think I’m strong.” She said and he had to laugh, despite the glare that she tossed his way. He squeezed her shoulder, pulling her tighter against him.
“How can you think that? I admire your strength.” He told her with a full blown smile, and in the dancing candlelight he saw her blush and look away. A strand of hair fell across her face and he resisted the urge to tuck it back behind her ear.
“You think I can’t take care of myself.”
“That’s ridiculous.” He told her chuckling. “You are very capable of taking care of yourself.”
She looked at him curiously. “Miles, it’s like you have to protect me every time something goes wrong.” She told him and his heart began beating a little faster. He had misjudged the seriousness of her weighted words. His mind began to race, to backtrack but logic had left him earlier at the door, and in that moment everything in his mind was running on his emotions. Was the situation awkward in any way? No; on the contrary, he felt as if that was where he belonged. His place in the world was to be right there next to her, to be her strength, her rock. It always had been. He never felt more like himself than when he was with her. Unknowingly, she eased the horrors of his past, made the loss easier. How else could he explain it?
“Well, yes…but not because I think you are weak.” He told her honestly, bringing his arm back to his lap and away from her, rubbing his palms absentmindedly across his bent knees.
“Then why?” And there it was; the weighted question that should have been so hard for him to answer. Before the world changed, he would have told her some off-hand excuse. His feelings wouldn’t have allowed for him to stay. So why did they then? Was his love for her simply too intense, too deep, to have been understood before? Was the depth of it more easily understood with the cruelty of the world, or was it that time had simply made it easier to accept? He wasn’t sure, but he knew the answer to the question before she had even asked it. The only problem was that he wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer. Still, she deserved to know.
“I protect you because…I don’t know…being there for you…it’s just how it’s been…for me at least …” he said gently, and she jerked her intense blue eyes to him. He couldn’t read what rested in their depths in the dimness, and having feared the worst, words began to tumble out of his mouth. “It…it always has been. I mean, that is just who I am and there has never been another option …you’re mine, and I’m yours…I just can’t not take care of you.” His voice was rough and husky, and his heart beat heavy in his chest …what in the hell was that? He mentally kicked himself as a tear shone with the orange light flickering across the room against her porcelain cheek. Understanding was then evident in her eyes, and he had to force himself to look away from her. He banged his head against the wall behind him and stared up at the ceiling, straightening his legs across the carpet before him.
“Don’t do this to me.” she replied finally, her voice tender and broken, even as she tried to hide it. He continued to stare at the ceiling, and his heart pounded so hard against his chest it was painful.
“Don’t do what?” he asked and she turned her sad eyes to his. He was halted, even his very breath caught in his lungs at the look in her eyes.
“With everything else going on, I don’t need you playing games with me.” Ouch. Her words hurt as if he had been punched in the gut. He wasn’t sure of what to say. It was a risk that could change everything around them. Despite the pain, he rubbed a hand across his chest, feeling the wild beating of his heart against his palm. Did he want her to avoid it? Ignore everything he had said? For some reason, that thought bothered him immensely.
“Do you really feel that way? Do you think I would actually do that to you, to hurt you?” How had he let this conversation get so deep? He asked himself, but then again, he reasoned it was bound to happ
en eventually.
“Yes.” She retorted and he grimaced.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” He told her honestly. He wasn’t sure what to tell her. He was still mentally berating himself for even opening that can of worms. Truth was, he was just as satisfied with her being right beside him. That was enough to ease his battered soul. He didn’t need anything more. “I thought you just needed a friend.” He said, trying to opt out of explaining himself and ease the tension between them.
She twisted her fingers in her lap, turning from him. “I’d like to think you are my friend.” She told him and he again felt remorse at his words and actions. He had utterly failed.
“Okay.” He said uneasily and she sighed. “Just tell me what you want me to tell you, Amber.” He said softly. She turned to him, seeing only his side profile as he turned again to stare up at the ceiling. Suddenly she shifted on her feet and began pulling on her boots. After a moment she stood, adjusting her shirt hem.
“You’re right. We shouldn’t talk about this stuff. Besides, I’m feeling a lot better now and the perimeter needs to be checked. Thank you for talking to me.” She told him gently and even though he had refused to discuss what was happening between them, the thought of her leaving it behind angered him.
“So I am just that dispensable to you? You are going to walk away in the middle of our conversation?” he asked her, rising to his own feet. She refused to look at him. That act alone nearly cut him to shreds. It only served to fuel his anger at himself. That was it…he wasn’t angry at her at all. He despised himself and his own actions. She leaned forward and grabbed her jacket from the floor, shrugging it on.
“Miles, what is that supposed to mean? You’ve done your job, what you were sent in here to do, so what does the rest of it matter?” she asked him and he stared after her in confusion. Glancing briefly at his reaction she sighed. “I heard what mom asked you.” She answered his unspoken question.