by W. A. R.
“Hey,” she began, capturing his full attention. He grinned down at her, feeling her chest rise and fall beneath him.
“What is it, love?” he asked her softly, brushing a stray strand of hair from her face.
She brought a hand up to stroke his face, her fingers toying with his hair. “I need you to understand something.” She said and he glanced at her curiously.
“Yeah?” he asked, and he noticed her eyes were serious and full of pain. Worry made its way across his features. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” he asked, thinking he may have been too rough with her. The entire session played back in his mind as he tried to pinpoint when it was. Was she regretting what had happened? Had he let her down?
“No…” she laughed softly, shaking her head and looking away from him. He brought his hand up, caressing her face tenderly.
“Then what is it?” he asked gently after a moment of silence.
“It should have been you.” She said softly. He stared at her in confusion and misunderstanding for a few seconds before deciding what he needed to do. After a moment, he rolled off of her, sitting up against the wall and pulling her against him as she remained silent. He covered them with a blanket that was beside them.
“What are you talking about?” he asked her and she shook her head against his chest.
“It just should have always been you…with me, in my life…like we talked about earlier.” she murmured against his chest and he held her tightly against him, a tender grin lifting the corners of his mouth.
“Shhh…” he comforted her, stroking her arm absentmindedly. He placed a kiss against her soft hair and rested there, inhaling the scent of her before sighing contentedly. “It always was.” He turned to her then, feeling the blood begin its slow rise to a roar in his veins.
“Miles…” she began but he shushed her. He wasn’t going to let her get down on herself, not then.
“I was always there with you. Don’t you ever doubt that.” he told her and before she could object he pulled her over his lap. She adjusted her legs so she was straddling him bringing the blanket up to cover her chest shyly. He smiled warmly at her, one hand on her hip and the other on the side of her neck, his thumb pressing against the underside of her chin and forcing her to look at him. He grinned deviously at her. “You were always mine.” His words forced a small smile to appear on her lips and slowly, she lowered her mouth to his, causing the fire to once again engulf him. The passion was unbearable and h was nowhere near ready for this dream to end. No, he was certainly not getting any sleep tonight.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Shelly leaned against the tailgate of the truck, a warm cup of water in her hand. The garage door was open, and she stared out into the darkness, listening to the silence. George and Damien had apparently done well covering the perimeter and briefly, she wondered where they were. They very well could have been in the house, getting ready for the hunt as it was almost thirty minutes before dawn would break through the sky. The chill of the cool morning air nipped at her skin and she shivered. She didn’t want any interruptions, in fact, she needed to be alone with her thoughts. Her heart was heavy and her mind muddled. She and Brian had had an argument about…well, everything. She couldn’t even remember how it started, she only remembered bits and pieces of the harsh things that were said. She remembered telling him he was an idiot for wanting them to stay…for wanting her to stay. “I’m trying to protect you! What part of that don’t you get?” he had yelled back at her and she instantly regretted her words. Of course he was trying to protect her and protect his family. But still, she was angry and hurt, misunderstanding everything and throwing it completely out of proportion. She was in hysterics when she told him that no, he wasn’t trying to protect her…he was trying to take back some of his dignity from his guilt over Rick…. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he had asked, and the look in his eyes was cold and hurt. At the time, however, she didn’t care. She was tired and irritated. She had narrowed her eyes at him and so bitingly had told him that he felt like he needed to prove something to himself for letting down Rick, for finding him so close to death.
After that it had blown up and she lost track of the hateful things that were said. He had tried to leave the room, tried to walk away and she hadn’t let him. She wasn’t finished. In all truth, she wasn’t angry with him really…well, she was, but she was more angry with herself. He didn’t know, and how could he possibly understand where she was coming from when he had no idea of the war that was waging in her mind…in her heart. It had been almost two months since the terrible night he had been knocked unconscious by the Biter, and she had almost lost him. Instead of feeling closer to him, however, she began to feel a distance between them that night. She was so afraid he was going to die, leaving her to raise a child on her own and a part of her resented him for her own mistake of not telling him.
It began simple enough, but gradually the distance has grown, substantially getting bigger when Rick came about. She tried to understand his distance; the very real reality of other people existing, of other, more terrifying people existing but it was so hard not to resent him for her own shortcomings. She resented him for not being there for her whenever she needed it most, whether he knew it or not. He should have known. She placed a trembling hand against the small bulge of her abdomen and sighed. As wrong as it was for her to feel, much less admit, she resented the child growing inside of her, while loving it all the same. It was a fine line for her. She adored Brian, and to be carrying his child was something she had wanted for both of them; but not then, not with the world the way it was. Her emotional conflict in regards to the child was a lot of her problem concerning Brian. And yet, the distance was still there, and there was nothing she could do to fix it.
The muffled sound of voices came into earshot, and she straightened her stance, jerking her hand from her abdomen and turning her head towards the door that led to the house. She wasn’t sure why she decided to go to the truck, as that was where their bows were. Was she waiting to see Brian’s reaction when he found her down there waiting? She wasn’t sure, but either way, she couldn’t deny that she wanted to see him. The voices grew louder, but not too loud in respect for the other people still sleeping. They didn’t even know she was there, she was sure. There was soft laughter and she couldn’t help but smile a sad smile as the door was opened. That was a part of her that she tried to bring back…the ability to enjoy life and deal with the hard blows of life as they came.
“Why are we out here so early anyways?” she heard Miles ask, the light lilt in his voice dropping as he posed the question. Their footsteps continued around the front of the truck.
“Because we have to get out in the woods just before daybreak, or shortly after so we don’t spook the ‘woodland creatures’. Besides, I thought you had hunted before.” Amber told him on a smile as he rubbed a hand across his face.
“Regardless, I am exhausted.” He admitted and Amber laughed lightly at him, walking to the shelf that stood against the far wall from the door. No, they didn’t know she was there, and she thought that maybe it was better that way. She wasn’t sure what to say to Amber. Amber had thought that Shelly had explained everything to Brian, and still she hadn’t. She wasn’t sure she could face that disappointment in the mix of everything else.
“Well, you should have gotten some rest instead of staying up all night, considering you were also up for the better part of the night before too. That’s why you couldn’t come with me on watch last night, remember? Or is your brain not functioning at the moment from lack of sleep?” she asked him lightly, retrieving her bow and arrows from their perch on the shelf. He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck, his face grim.
“First of all, I distinctly remember why I couldn’t go with you on watch, and that was one reason I couldn’t sleep.” Amber turned back to the shelf and removed her 30.30 from it, turning to hand it to him. He took it from her, slinging it easily over his shoulder.
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br /> “You’re still on that, are you?” she asked him disbelievingly, yet amused.
He raised his eyebrows at her in promise. “Oh, I plan on having a discussion with him today. Why do you think Brian paired me up with him? He’s picked up on it too.” He said and Shelly grinned a little at the mention of Brian’s name. Her man, her partner in life, always in charge and making decisions that were best for everyone. Oh, why did they have to fight? Wasn’t there enough going on already?
“Oh please. You’re too tired to have discussions with men that are…feistier…than you.” She prodded him, walking past him and crossing her arms, leaning against the truck. He turned to face her and grinned.
“Which brings me to points two and three, and I can summarize those in one sentence. My brain may not be functioning properly, but not from lack of sleep; instead it is from what that lack of sleep entailed.” He smiled down at Amber, who only laughed at him as he brought his arms up and placed them gently on either side of her waist, urging her closer to him. And they stared at one another quietly, communicating between themselves without a word spoken. She felt a tear snake its way across her cheek, and her chest ached. Brian used to look at her lovingly like that; hell, she used to gaze up at him the same way, and yet, any intimacy they had, real intimacy, was sitting on the porch the night everything changed. They had sat on the porch, holding one another and understanding one another’s pain, at least to an extent. Another tear made its way out as she realized that that night had been the last night he held her like that.
She couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped her lips and she regretted having surprised them. The world was so black and dark, she didn’t want to take away what little light they had found, even if she herself was drowning in the blankness. She felt them jump at their sudden awareness of another person, and their heavy footfalls carried over to her.
“Shelly?” Amber asked in astonishment as she stepped beside her. Shelly looked up at the two, Miles standing behind Amber, both faces worried. Both of them worried about her while Brian slept upstairs without a care in the world. Shelly locked eyes with Amber and shrugged, sobbing. Amber’s face contorted with sympathy. “Oh Shelly…” she said softly, instantly wrapping her arms around her and pulling her into an embrace. Shelly didn’t hold back. She felt everything that had overwhelmed her come out and she clung to Amber’s jacket, sobbing uncontrollably. Amber gently stroked her back, not saying a word and Miles either. Shelly whimpered between cries, her entire body trembling from the havoc her emotions played on it. She felt as if she was losing her sanity, her life, her everything. Amber held her for a few minutes while she cried, and when Shelly felt as if she had finally released all of the tears her body held, Amber released her. She then turned to Miles, who stood there silently for a moment before speaking.
“I’m going to go wake everyone to get ready. I’ll try to keep them busy for a few minutes.” He said to them both and Amber nodded at him before he turned to leave. Once the hollow sound of his boots hitting the floor disappeared behind a closed door, Amber turned back to Shelly. Shelly knew what she was doing; she was ensuring that there was no one around to hear them talk, but she wasn’t going to prompt the conversation. Instead, she stood in front of Shelly silently, waiting for Shelly to tell her what she needed.
After a moment, Shelly turned her eyes to Amber. “We had a fight. A big one. We said things we shouldn’t have said.”
Amber crossed her arms, glancing at the door once more before speaking. “A fight? About what, honey?” she asked, and Shelly had to look away from her sympathetic eyes, her all too understanding stare. It angered Shelly that Amber could look at her that way, could give her the understanding that she needed while Brian couldn’t. What had happened to the two of them? When was the exact moment they had lost track of one another? She didn’t know, and she wasn’t even going to try to pinpoint it. What was done was done and there was nothing they could do to stop it or take it back.
“I don’t know…everything? Why I want to leave, why he wants to stay…our distance…Amber, he has barely spoken to me since Rick came here. I thought the distance was bad before, when we were trying to get to know Katie and Buddy and well…all of them…but that was nothing compared to how closed off he has been with me lately.”
Amber sighed and slid the toe of her boot against the concrete, filling the silence with the grating noise of dirt rubbing against concrete. “Shelly, he feels guilty about what happened with Rick. You know that. He has been distant with everyone.”
“He shouldn’t have to be that way with me.” She spat out angrily, her eyes burning with new tears. Amber stopped moving her foot and stared hard at Shelly. Oh, her friend knew her, understood her. She saw the painful reflecting gaze and felt the tears threaten to fall.
“No, he shouldn’t.” Amber said softly, glancing back down at her foot as she began moving it again. “But do you understand what he is going through? It isn’t just Rick, Shells; it’s everything. It’s the regular Biters, it’s the hybrids, it’s the amount of people we have and have to support and protect now, it is these new and very dangerous people; should we leave? Should we stay? And on top of all of that is Rick, and you…how can he make things right? How can he close the distance between you two?” Amber stopped speaking, taking the two steps towards the truck needed so she could easily lean against the cool metal next to Shelly. “He just needs some time…some I don’t know…empathy…” She was right; she was completely right and Shelly understood that. Things were so overwhelming, and that wasn’t including the fact that Amber had omitted the baby. That piled on top of everything else would be too much for him.
“I know that, I do. And I’ve tried to understand him…I’ve given it time…he doesn’t understand me and why I need to leave. He thinks I’m weak and helpless.” She told Amber, her last words dripping with bitterness. He did think that way of her, and hell, if she were honest, she thought that way of herself. She wasn’t strong minded or strong willed. She wasn’t particularly talented or a good shot. She couldn’t make it on her own and she hated that fact.
“He doesn’t think that of you, honey. No one does.” Amber said softly, turning her blue eyes to Shelly. Shelly could feel Amber’s eyes penetrate her, digging deep into what Shelly desperately did not want to discuss, and quickly, Amber turned to stare at the moonlit fence line. The silence grew on for one minute, then two, and it became deafening. The two woman stared at the fence, letting the still of the night attempt to comfort them. “You haven’t told him, have you?” Amber asked gently, startling Shelly and she felt her tears spill over. No, she thought, only you Amber. You are the only one that knows the hell I am in, the only one that could possibly begin to understand.
“No.” was her simple reply, wishing to not delve into detail about it. She had planned to tell Brian before the morning came, to explain everything. She envisioned the scenario in her head…he would comfort her, assure her everything was going to be okay…they might would cry together, and he would hold her and look at her like he always did before…with love and tenderness in his eyes that went unmatched by every other person.
“You can’t hide it forever, Shells.” Amber said softly and Shelly shifted her eyes to the glass of warm water in her hand. She knew she couldn’t hide it. She was anywhere between five and six months along by then and was showing slightly. She knew it was only a matter of time before she blossomed. She never ate much, and every time the unborn child moved she felt regret, which wasn’t very often. It wouldn’t be long before he knew what she had been keeping from him, and she was surprised he had not realized it yet. The glass of water was firm in her tightened, angry grip. She easily rose to her feet and threw it as hard and as far as she could before settling back down. The high pitched sound of glass shattering against the fence hit her ears, and she was left unsatisfied. Why had she done that, she wondered to herself, was she really that angry and bitter?
“I know that.” She told Amber, and tho
ugh she expected her tone of voice to come out heated, the words left her lips softly, her throat clogged with emotion.
“Did that make you feel better?” Amber asked, gesturing to the dimly lit fence.
Shelly shook her head and glanced down at her twisted fingers in her lap. “No.”
“I think…not that you asked for my opinion…but I really do feel like you should tell him…today…before anything else happens. Things are quickly going to hell in a handbasket and…we aren’t too sure where we will be anymore. Anything could happen.”
Shelly wiped at her eyes, grimacing. “I know, I know…he’s just…it’s only going to hurt him.” She admitted to Amber, and she glanced at her friend, seeing her eyes sadden with the knowledge. Yes, it would hurt him. He wouldn’t know what to do, aside from what he has always done: bottle it all in. The sound of unhurried footsteps from around the corner of the house reached their ears and Shelly felt her nerves stand on edge. Amber placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and sighed.
“Tell him before it’s too late.” She suggested softly before the silhouettes of six men came into view. She knew which one belonged to Brian, watching as he led them all to the small shed beside the garage. She watched his long, determined strides, the way his shoulders hunched and his arms moved with every step. Yes, he was still angry; he didn’t even glance in her direction. She hadn’t really expected him to, but still…the sting of it hit her heart and sliced it deeply.
She stood, rolling her shoulders and falling into step beside Amber who gave her a sideways glance. The men huddled around the shed as Brian retrieved his keys from his pocket and unlocked the master lock on the door. Amber shifted beside her, feeling in her pockets, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Shelly glanced at her curiously, crossing her arms across her chest. Amber turned to her, stopping in her failed attempt of finding whatever it was she was looking for.