Finally, they called me out on it and I reversed it, because I felt terrible about it. I guess that shows how powerful Wiccan spells can be if they're done right, though I am restrained by a vow of silence from disclosing any further details as to what exactly transpired between myself and this person. The thing I learned from it, however, is that if you remember to meditate and pray and do rituals, you'll find that Wicca does help you get through hard times. It's only when you stop believing in yourself, when you allow yourself to soak in the negative energy, that you get sucked down into a deadly whirlpool.
One thing I have been asked about regarding my spiritual practice, predictably, is the role of sex. I can't blame people for asking, but they're oft en disappointed to hear that I have never incorporated sex into any Wiccan ritual. However, I am still learning and Fiona Horne has written about practising naked (which we prefer to call 'skyclad') and about how orgasms can be part of Wiccan ritual.
Fiona has even gone as far as saying that powerful energy from her orgasms can propel her spells to fruition, almost like a tantric-sex practice. I myself have never experienced this, nor have I ever included it in my own practice. I mean, I don't disapprove of masturbating as part of a Wiccan offering, and I know what Fiona means when she says that 'witchcraft honours sex because in pagan times it ensured the longevity of the tribe'. I would say that we are definitely more free-spirited and open-minded than most other religious groups. My own practice differs from Fiona's in that I don't do rituals naked. Sometimes, I'll wear white for purity. I like to cleanse myself in a bath and then wear clean clothes and sage myself so I'll feel totally cleansed.
However, there is nothing wrong with worshipping when you're skyclad, because many rituals are done that way and that is how we were born and there is nothing sexual about it. It's just natural to be naked, and the gods and goddesses don't look down on you for that. That's the great thing about Wicca – it tells us there's nothing wrong with being who you are and that no one is judging you. How this applies to me is that if I can make a living using my body for other people's pleasure, then there's nothing wrong with that in the eyes of Wiccans. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I may do as I will. That's the crux of our creed.
On a personal level, I have not engaged in sex with other Wiccans. I have never even had a Wiccan boyfriend, just because I don't really know any. I am a solitary witch and I practise alone. Fiona Horne wrote in one of her books that it was aimed at 'a new breed of eclectic witch emerging now, not tied to a tradition or who hasn't been initiated into an established coven, who perhaps has been drawn to it of their own volition'.
Now, that is so absolutely me. I too am eclectic, which means I believe in all different types of Wicca. I pick and choose from the different traditions. (For those of you who are interested in books on Wicca, I've studied a lot of Silver Ravenwolf and Doreen Virtue, but don't go by my recommendations, because I could be way off as far as what's good for you.) In short, I am solitary, which means I worship without a coven, although that's because I have not yet found one I feel I can belong to or have not trusted the right people to create a coven with.
I only know one other porn star who is interested in these kinds of things, but she is not exactly Wiccan – my friend Noname Jane, who is a 'ceremonial magician'. Ceremonial magic is a practice, not a religion, and it is extremely complex. Its workings are very lengthy. Ceremonial magicians focus highly on correspondences and the correct performance of a ritual, usually called 'high magic'. The ultimate intention is to bring the magician closer to the divine (as compared with 'low magic', which has mere practical purposes and is oft en equated with witchcraft ).
Some girls in my industry claim to be interested in Wicca because they are looking for comfort, but it's really a matter of whether they are spiritual enough and whether they really do feel it. I tell them to study Wicca for a year and a day, and if they can't do that they are clearly not dedicated, so Wicca is not for them. All I can tell them is that Wicca has been good for me. I was born with this gift to be able to spiritually heal or help others, and no matter what happens in my life I will always have my spirit guides to get me through. Although others may call me a freak or not talk to me and judge me for my beliefs, I can't help who I am and what I feel.
Finally, let me say a few things about the impact of Hollywood and pop culture on my spiritual beliefs. We've all seen the TV shows, like Bewitched and Charmed and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and movies such as The Craft and Practical Magic. Fiona Horne said she liked the old Bewitched series the best, because she thought 'the incantations were really good' and 'they rhyme and connect with the subconscious effectively'. I think she is right about that, although we can't just wiggle our noses and make something happen. That would be awesome if that's how magic really worked! In The Craft and Practical Magic, some things aren't too far from the truth, although you usually don't see results right away. Some of that stuff in those films is actually against Wiccan rules, as you cannot call yourself a true witch if you practise evil.
On the other hand, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch is just so far-fetched, and while Charmed has some good rituals it is also mostly fantasy. (I can't criticise these shows too heavily, though, because I wrote and starred in that movie called Witch Coven College, after all. I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black!) The Mists of Avalon, meanwhile, is one of my favourite movies because it shows the Wiccan side of the King Arthur story. It's somewhat on the mythical side but great fun to watch.
Many people turn to our kind of pagan spirituality for the same reason that Fiona Horne did. She grew up Catholic and decided that Catholicism was, as she put it, 'so sombre and serious, based around mistakes and pain and problems,' whereas Wicca was 'more about having love'. I can relate to that; Wiccans are supposed to lead a life filled with happiness and spiritual healing – of ourselves and others. Wiccans also do not believe in taking money for teaching, which is why we don't have big fancy churches to congregate in. We prefer to use the land and be close to nature. We've never killed anyone in the name of our religion, yet we have been killed so many times – all those witches of yore having being burned at the stake – and still to this day many people do not recognise Wicca as a real religion.
Most people just want to believe what society tells them is right. That is easier for them. It makes it easier to deal with life, and it is easier to follow someone else than go your own way. I believe in what I believe, even though it is actually harder to do so, because I don't believe it should be that easy. You have to do the work or it won't work.
I'm here on this earth, I would say, because I'm proof positive that there is no easy way. Given what I do for a living, which is a double-edged sword, I can testify to that. I've found my spiritual path the hard way, and there's no turning back now. What goes around comes around, as they say. The ephemeral things of this earth have diminished in value, for I've found my own perfect circle.
Chapter Eleven
PORN STAR,
ROCK STAR
There are a lot of things you can say about us porn stars, but one thing's for sure – we certainly have a unique job. But it is also a job that makes you very vulnerable, in terms of being left open to criticism and being made fun of. And I don't mean just the nudge-nudge, wink-wink, elbow-in-the-ribs kind of tomfoolery that adolescent boys share when they're discovering sex for the first time.
Not everything that's said about us is good, nor does it have to always be. I can actually understand criticism of this sort, because some girls will go to extreme lengths just for some mainstream publicity and I know that, personally, I wouldn't want to be made to look like a fool just to get more fans and more attention from the media.
One girl did something very risky when she allowed a company that had signed her to a contract to issue a press release saying she'd decided to fuck her fans on camera. She announced that she would select one lucky member of her website a month to shoot a sex scene with her and added, 'It's somethin
g that I've dreamt of doing since the very first day in the business. I get all wet and tingly when I think about one of my hardcore fans sliding their hard cock all the way up in me. It's so naughty!'
She was not asking her fans for any money for the sex scene, but they did have to pay to be a member of her website. Once registered, they had to write to her to say why they thought they deserved to win and also what kind of scene they would like to do with her, and she would then pick the winner based on what they wrote. Quite clever, I thought!
The risk I'm talking about is that some people will inevitably call that sort of thing a gimmick that falls into that grey area where porn and prostitution collide. Well, it's grey to those people. Legally, though, porn and prostitution are not the same thing. When there is a camera and a movie involved, it's not prostitution – because the girl is not being paid directly by the guy she's having sex with but by a third party (usually a producer or a production company), so it doesn't count as prostitution.
But in the porn industry there are definitely girls who do 'private' work on the side when the cameras are turned off , and girls who pose for 'private' shoots and get paid by the photographer (for services rendered to him). Personally, I've never gone that far. Back when I was working in the bars and clubs, there were times when I was paid for just being a 'date', which did not involve sex. Sometimes, all I had to do was party with the guy, drink, do some blow, and stay up until he passed out – basically, it was take the money and leave! Some guys were really just lonely and not necessarily looking for sex. They just wanted companionship, so they would pay me to hang out with them.
Even when I was stripping, I never crossed that line. I must have been so naive, because I didn't even realise that the girls around me were doing all sorts of extracurricular activities. But I wasn't a stripper for long, and when I was feature-dancing I never crossed that line either. I'm sure there are people who think I'm a prostitute, and it sure doesn't help that my name has been included in several escorting websites without my knowledge or permission and I can't do a damn thing about it.
A woman who owned one of these sites, Nici's Girls, got busted but not before she had sold a list of clients and models/celebrities to a mainstream magazine. Truth be told, I get a lot of such offers from various agencies but I don't trust any of them so I never do it. But the damage has already been done – all these agencies have my name up on their sites and I can't do anything to get it taken down unless I pay a lawyer, which wouldn't be worth my while. So everyone thinks I'm hooking too, even though I'm not.
Because of the financial downturn, I'm sure a lot of girls have turned to hooking. I know it would be an easy way to pay off all my loans and bills, but I'm still trying to work the legal way. Am I crazy, not to take the path of least resistance and just go for the money? Maybe so. Time will tell if I'm right.
When I started out in this business, nobody ever told me I'd have to think about stuff like this. After more than eight years of this bizarre lifestyle, I need to find something else to do with my life. I am reminded of it all the time now, every time a shoot gets cancelled because some silly girl flaked out and didn't show up, or whenever some amateur pornographer who thinks he's a director tries to make a movie. There have been dozens of such scenarios, and the list seems endless.
Mine is a career where you're dealing with extreme behaviour of all sorts, all the time. The whole issue of hate mail is a good example. Bluntly put, there are some people out there who have too much time on their hands and choose to inflict their own all-too-obvious insecurities on other people. Porn stars, of course, are an easy target.
Back when I was brand new in the adult-film business, I did my very first interracial sex scene. One very disturbed individual chose to express himself somewhat negatively. He sent me a letter that clearly reflected all the wit and sophistication of the KKK, of which I can only presume he was himself a member.
It read like this:
How dare you go and fuck that nigga with that turd colored cock and that poisonous semen?! If I were your father or brother, I would beat the living hell out of you! You make me sick, you fucking white trash whore!
Pretty eloquent, huh? I wonder whether he did remedial English in high school. Things haven't improved much in eight years. Recently, another guy sent me some nasty, judgemental comments about porn stars. I promptly rewarded his trouble by publishing his rant on my blog and cited his name, since he had so kindly left his MySpace address. The 36-year-old lug from Louisiana had written to tell me:
You are a hooker-porn star. Why don't you go suck some cock to get rid of your money problems? Isn't that what you porn stars do when you are short on money? I have fucked seven porn stars and your kind are easy to figure out. Go turn a trick, you trick.
Wow, I thought, what a vocabulary this boy must have, to make such exceptional use of the English language!
I wonder if those seven girls he claims to have slept with were truly 'easy to figure out'. What makes him an authority on porn-star psychology? Seriously, don't some people have better things to do? I posted on my blog a direct retort to him:
You don't fucking know me, so quit being so quick to judge! I am a good person, with a big heart, and the people closest to me know this.
That's the best anyone can do when faced with bigots like these.
There will always be men out there looking for ways to put women down, and when a woman is so obviously open about her sexuality these guys act like sharks sniffing blood. I think a woman who allows herself to be a sex object should be put on a pedestal, because sexual objectification is a form of worship, like they did in the early pagan religions. But how can you explain that to these guys?
Jessica Drake, who starred with me in a hilarious movie called Hi-Infidelity, once gave an interview in which she talked about this in a way that I can very much identify with. 'I am a sex worker,' she said. 'I got into this business to do that, so that people could see me have sex on camera, for the attention. I want it. Everybody look at me – me, me, me! And I like the fact that I inspire people. I realise that I provide a fantasy and I'm fine with that. I want to be everybody's fantasy.'
I guess I, too, am a sex worker and it does come down to wanting attention. It really is nice to have fans and to have people appreciate you for being brave enough to display the sexual side of yourself – not too many people you meet on a daily basis can claim to be this way – and so, to be seen as someone who represents a 'good fuck' can actually be a wonderful thing. I like being thought of as someone who can provide pleasure.
I often do live chats for my website, and most of the time these sessions are done from my bedroom, so I can get naked in a comfortable place. I really want whoever's watching me to get off on enjoying what they see. I like the thrill of the real-time interaction – they can watch me talk dirty and pleasure myself, while they do the same.
I don't expect everyone watching to be jerking off to me, because sometimes these guys just want some time to talk to me, and it's hard when so many other guys are asking me to do certain things rather than making small talk. But when I see a guy on my website's chat room going crazy as he brings himself to orgasm, I get really excited and I'm like, 'Yay! Done my job!' As a porn star, that's what you're supposed to do. I took to this like a duck to water, right from day one.
I really believe that porn has an important social function. The primary reason most people are drawn to it, and to its stars, is the sense of experiencing the 'forbidden', so we are actually providing a useful and beneficial public service by helping guys (and girls) to attain sexual pleasure and achieve sexual release without hurting anyone. I believe this, absolutely, with all my heart.
I feel that without porn, there would be so many more sexual predators out on the streets. We are fulfilling a lot of fantasies that most guys or girls don't otherwise get to experience. A lot of my fans thank me for saving their marriages, and that makes me feel good. I'm also happy that a lot of guys who don't get laid
as oft en as they'd like to are dependent on me (and my scenes) to get off . And, as sick as it sounds, all those paedophiles out there are getting a good dose of what they'd like to see and therefore are hopefully staying at home watching fake young girls on their screens rather than actually preying on minors.
Here's what I'd say to the conservative folks who like to hurl their narrow-minded criticisms at us: 'Whatever other fetishes these people have, don't you think it's better they get to watch it on DVD or on the internet, rather than trying to make their fantasies come true by harming innocent women?' When you look at it that way, we are really saving a lot of lives and helping a lot of people with their own sex lives. Without porn stars, there would be a lot of sexual chaos in the world. So much more sexual frustration would be taken out on innocent victims.
What the people who like to criticise us don't see are the inner workings of an entire industry and the dynamics that make it turn, including the money and deals that grease the wheels. We porn stars are dependent on other people for our living – agents, managers, publicists and also the writers and editors of the magazines – so by lambasting us these people are also hurting them.
They also don't see that we have to work with the press, which means you won't last long if you're just some blonde bimbo. This is a tough ball game, because it seems like you have to kiss ass to a lot of editors, which I was never one to do. I'm always friendly and courteous to writers, but I'm not an ass kisser. In general, you really have to watch what you say, because some people will either twist your words or, worse, record everything word for word when you didn't mean to say something the way it came out. That's always difficult, and you just need to think hard before answering some questions. It never gets any easier dealing with people in this business. Instead, you just get more and more used to it.
Absolute Mayhem Page 14