When you're a porn star, you have to be mindful of how you're a professional sex object, like a stripper performing behind a glass panel for guys jerking off on the other side. This is what you're there for, to provide a form of entertainment in the form of sexual release. If you can't deal with that, you should find yourself another career.
That said, it's a complicated thing, trying to get to the bottom of it. I'm sure some people out there think I must have had sex with at least a thousand people by now, but I don't think I've hit that kind of target at all, because I've rotated a lot of the talent – I've worked with many of the same guys over and over and some girls over and over, so I couldn't say how many people I've had sex with. It's definitely more than most people who aren't porn stars can claim – though, as with many things in life, more is not necessarily better.
Being treated as a sex symbol does have its perks, and there are actually a lot of things that I can't complain about. I've been inducted into the Hall of Fame at the Erotic Museum in Las Vegas. I won the 'Golden Throat' trophy at the Sexopolis Sunset Strip Awards held at the Viper Room in Los Angeles in September 2008. And I've been paid to host private house parties and events in swanky nightclubs. In July 2008, I attended a party jointly organised by two porn companies and went with a girl who was new in the business, Sammi Ross. She was like, 'Wow, everyone knows you!' There were so many pornorazzi there and the camera fl ashes were stunning to her. Everyone always makes me feel like such a big celebrity, and I love that.
It is a bit crazy, though, when these people start pulling me in every direction. When I was leaving, someone dragged me over to meet some famous hip-hop artists. These guys were like, 'Oh yeah, dawg, I seen your movies!' They were all over me and it was hilarious because I've never heard their music, even though I've heard of them. One of them tried to get my phone number but I gave him my email address instead.
Porn stardom is certainly the most unusual form of celebrity that exists in our consumer culture, aside from, perhaps, circus freaks and serial killers (and some people are cynical enough to lump us into the same unfortunate category), and I can assure anyone pondering the state of my own mental health that I am perfectly fine.
I just like being paid to be a professional sex object. I do feel like I am a commodity and I know I am selling my body to make possible the pleasure of others, so I'm never embarrassed about signing autographs for the fans. 'All my luv and sex!' and 'Keep it hard for me!' are what I generally like to write when I'm signing box-covers, which is pretty tame compared to some of the things some of the other girls will write. I see no need to be too nasty on paper, since they're going to be seeing me in the movie anyway and can think every nasty thought of me then.
Honestly, I am proud of the fact that I made a fateful decision to live, as they say, a life less ordinary. I get to choose my lifestyle and work in an industry that many women secretly wish they could be a part of somehow but fear to admit it, much less act on it, because of societal disapproval.
I'm a perfect example of what can happen if you just take a chance and do things on the spur of the moment. You never know how far that might take you.
When I left the corporate world, all I wanted was to be free, to be my own boss, to not have to worry too much about the business side of things, to just be an actress/ model and enjoy life. What I've since learned, oft en the hard way, is that you need a business plan in order to develop your career. There were times when I realised too late that I should have accepted certain contracts being offered to me, and there were certain times in my career when I should have done more mainstream publicity.
And, I'll willingly admit, times when I shouldn't have blown so much money on things I didn't really need – like a very cool car that I really spent a fortune on, getting it all souped up only to lose it, thanks to a wacky quirk of fate called a divorce – and, of course, there were drugs I shouldn't have done and loser 'friends' that I shouldn't have taken care of.
How many more years in porn do I have? I don't know. I never plan ahead like that, because I just go with the flow. I think I will know when it's time to stop. Right now, I can see myself doing this for at least a few more years. Retirement isn't an option yet, though it crosses my mind every now and then.
Whatever happens, I'll always have my website, anyway. Sometimes, like a lot of people, I wish that someone would come and save me and take me away from all my problems. I hope I'll be married again some day. I used to think about the possibility of directing or producing or working behind the camera, but I've decided that's really not my passion. I hate putting my energy into things that I'm not 100-per cent passionate about.
And, of course, I want to be a rock star, after I've done my duty being a porn star. It's a different way of making people happy, and who's to say one is better or one is wrong? I'd rather do both, and discover the truth for myself.
Acknowledgements
We would both like to thank our wonderful team at Ebury Press/Random House – Alison Urquhart (our publisher), Kevin O'Brien and Jessica Dettmann (our editors) and Alysha Farry (our publicist) – who collectively inspired us and kept the faith. (Alison told us she'd read our entire original manuscript over the Christmas holidays in December 2008 in one sitting. We are so not worthy!)
We are also indebted to certain friends for certain things (including drugs and sex . . . just kidding): Jay Allan, Robbye Bentley, Edwina Blush, Sharon Bradley, Annalisa Buoro, Asia Carrera, Dana Duncan Seil, Janiss Garza, Tanya de Grunwald, Chris King, Hank Londoner, Dee McLaughlin, Jay Moyes, Suze Randall, Brenda Scofield, Juanita Titan, Jeff Wozniak and Sherry Ziegelmeyer.
Special thanks to Alaura Eden and Dez Ballard (in Orange County), Troy (in Maryland) and Kelly Holland (for first introducing us to each other, back when she was still Toni English).
Monica gives big hugs to Rick Bottari, for being her good Aussie mate living in LA and for coming up with the brilliant title Absolute Mayhem. She would like to say to Gerry, 'Without you, this book may not have been made possible. And thanks for being such a great friend!'
Gerrie says the pleasure is mutual and cheers to Smokey. And love always (once more, with feeling) to P. H.
Absolute Mayhem Page 18