“Even at the expense of my freezing hands?” I tried to tease, but the words sounded more awed than anything.
He smiled. It was such a genuine one, the skin around his eyes crinkled. “Even then. Besides, you don’t feel so cold anymore.”
Against his stomach, my fingers flexed. He was right. I warmed right up.
That’s how I knew. How I knew one hundred percent I could tell him my secrets.
“I’m ready to talk now,” I whispered, nerves colliding inside me as though we were in bumper cars and not standing on a carousel.
Nate took my hand and led me carefully between horses, under twinkling lights, with slightly wonky music floating around us. On the outer edge of the ride, there were a few sleighs where more than one person could sit together. Nate stopped beside one and held my hand as I stepped in and settled on the wooden bench. Settling beside me, I noticed his legs were much longer than mine. His knees nearly bumped the front, while mine weren’t even close.
In front of the sleigh, a couple horses led the way. The leads connecting them to our seat had long since fallen away, but it was charming just the same.
It seemed safe here somehow. Even though we were in the middle of some old field on a ride everyone had forgotten about that was chipping and weathered. I wasn’t scared, and all the fear I had about telling Nate the things I didn’t want to say didn’t seem as pronounced.
If this piece of left-behind history could withstand time, then perhaps all the things I thought I’d lost of myself were still there after all. Weathered but still there.
“Tell me,” he said, settling back against the bench, making the wood groan a bit.
I sighed. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“At the beginning, princess. I want to hear it all.”
“You’re not going to like me so much.” I worried.
Nate put a hand to his chest, feigning hurt. “You think so little of me.”
I smiled wistfully. “Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Which is exactly why I’m worried.”
Nate’s arm fell between us. Delving between our bodies, he found my hand, pulled it into his lap, and wrapped it tightly in his.
“Tell me,” he said again.
I took a deep breath. When I exhaled, so did everything else I’d been holding inside.
Nate
“When I was five, my father went to jail. For armed robbery and attempted murder.”
Of all the things she could have started with, that wasn’t even on my radar. I thought perhaps the beginning was a few years ago, when she first came onto the music scene. Or maybe the first night she met Will.
But five years old?
No wonder at times she seemed incredibly unwilling to trust anyone. Clearly, she didn’t have much practice.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing at all. Aerie glanced down at where I held her hand, then cleared her throat and went on. “When I was ten, my mother died of an overdose.”
My body jerked before I could control it. A low curse slipped through my lips and hung in the air between us. First her father, then her mother? A lot of celebrities, a lot of brilliantly talented people, came from humble backgrounds. It wasn’t exactly anything uncommon. But she lost both her mother and father by the age of ten. Not only that, but judging from what happened to her parents, those first ten years of life couldn’t have been easy.
What did a guy say when words failed him and a funny one-liner was totally inappropriate? “I’m sorry, princess.” It was probably the lamest thing I could have said, yet in that moment, it was all I could come up with.
Again, she glanced down at our linked hands.
A sense of knowing washed over me. “I’m not letting go.” I assured her quietly.
Her eyes snapped up to mine. I saw the naked doubt in her stare. I wondered how many people had let go of her.
Every single one of them was a dumbass.
Lifting our joined hands, I kissed the back of hers.
As she stared off into the empty field, her voice was soft, yet it still carried over the music. “I didn’t know her that well, my mother. She had a lot of, um, problems. My grandmother used to tell me some people were born with demons they just couldn’t shake.”
“Drugs were one of those problems, huh?” I asked.
“Drugs, alcohol, men…” Her voice faded away. “Sometimes I still can’t understand how a person could have so many addictions when she was raised by a caring woman who never touched a drop.”
“Your grandmother?” I asked, rubbing my thumb over the back of her hand.
She nodded, glancing up at me with a warm light in her dark eyes. “She raised me. She was my best friend.”
My stomach sank when she said “was.” “Did she pass away?” I asked as gently as I could.
Aerie nodded once. Her hand gripped mine tightly for a long moment before relaxing. “I grew up in Tennessee. That land my house is on? It was Grammy’s. The land has been in my family for generations. I used to be quite the tomboy. I ran every inch of that place for years.” She glanced up at me with a twinkle in her eye. “You ever need to climb a tree, I’m your girl.”
I chuckled.
“We had this three-bedroom house. It was nearly as old as the land. The roof leaked every time it rained, the windows were drafty, and sometimes birds flew down the chimney and chased us around the house until we could shoo them out the door.” She laughed, the far-off look in her eyes spoke of returning to a different place and time.
“She homeschooled me at first because the bus didn’t come as far out as we lived and it was a pain to drive. But then later… I didn’t want to go to school. Kids can be cruel, especially when your dad is in jail, your mom’s the town joke, and none of your clothes are on trend.”
“What about your grandfather?”
“He wasn’t around,” she said, finality in her voice. “Grammy always said she didn’t want or need a man anyway because she wanted to live her life the way she wanted and not according to anyone else.”
“Stubborn,” I mused. “Now I know where you get that trait from.”
Playfully, she bumped into my side. “You’re kinda easy to talk to, Nate.”
“Listening is easy when the topic is something you’re really interested in.”
“I haven’t told you everything yet.” She warned.
“The plot thickens.” I wagged my eyebrows.
Aerie leaned her head onto my shoulder. The second she moved, so did I, automatically shifting so she would be comfortable.
“We didn’t have a TV, but we had this old radio. Grammy sang all the time. She had such a beautiful voice. So naturally, I sang a lot with her. When I was seventeen, she got sick. It started as the flu that never quite went away. Finally, I convinced her to go to the hospital.”
My stomach tightened. I knew what was coming, and I almost told her not to tell me. I didn’t want her to live it twice. Instead, I tucked my arm around her and held her close.
“She had cancer, and it wasn’t in the early stages. The doctors didn’t seem very optimistic, but I refused to believe she wouldn’t get better. I still remember their looks of pity when I asked about treatment options and medicine. ‘These treatments cost a lot of money. You can’t afford this,’ they would say. Money shouldn’t be the deciding factor of whether a person lives or dies.”
“No,” I said, thinking of my own mother. Thinking of watching her die. I knew all too well the dark days Aerie experienced and the frustration of knowing you couldn’t do a damn thing to help the person you loved. Dad had insurance, though. My mom wasn’t faced with not getting the treatment she desperately needed.
Though, in the end, those treatments didn’t save her.
Didn’t mean they weren’t worth trying. Any effort to save the life of someone you love is worthy, and A was right. It shouldn’t come down to money.
“So what happened?” I asked. The echo of my mother’s laugh rang through the back o
f mind. Sometimes I forgot what it sounded like, but tonight, I heard it clearly.
“They sent us home. Said without the cash to pay for any kind of treatment, there was nothing they could do beyond keeping her comfortable. It was raining, and I remember when we walked through the door that day, this overwhelming sense of anger overcame me. It wasn’t fair that the only person who ever loved me, a good woman who raised me when my own mother wouldn’t, was dealt such a shitty hand in life. I watched water drip through the roof, noted the dwindling pile of firewood by the hearth, and covered her with a million blankets to protect her from the draft.” She lifted her head. Eyes dark as night, round as saucers, fell on mine, and in them she pleaded with me to understand. “I couldn’t let her die that way. It was too unfair.”
Smoothing my hand down the back of her head, I nodded and pulled her into my chest. My breath ruffled her hair when I spoke. “I know you couldn’t.”
“I went to town to apply for any job I could get. While I was there, I saw a flyer for a singing competition in Nashville. The cash prize was ten thousand dollars. I couldn’t believe it. Singing was something I grew up doing, and to get that kind of money for it…? I was shook.”
I grinned. “Do you even know what that word means?”
“No, but this guy I know says it all the time.” She teased.
“It was one time. One.” I corrected.
A laugh bubbled out of her, and it felt like a win. See? There was reason behind my madness, intent behind my goofy ways. It was always something to fall back on. Always something there to soften any kind of situation.
Or to make a beautiful woman smile.
“Naturally, you entered the contest, won, and got the cash.” I surmised, wanting to know the rest of the story.
“After I hitchhiked to Nashville.” She corrected.
I made a sound. “You did what?”
She glanced up, noting the anger in my voice. “There was no way our car would make it that far. Besides, what if there was an emergency and Grammy needed it?”
“Jesus,” I muttered. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”
Her eyes narrowed, chin jutting out. “I did what I had to do.”
I bit back any kind of demand that she never do something that stupid or reckless again. I wanted her to talk to me. Not yell. And if I started telling her what to do, her voice was bound to rise.
I’d just save the lecture about transportation safety for later.
I gestured for her to continue because I still didn’t trust myself to speak.
“After I hitchhiked to the club…” She glanced up at me through her lashes, and I growled under my breath. “I entered the contest, sang my Grammy’s favorite country song, and lost the competition.”
My feet slapped against the floorboards of the sleigh when I sat up abruptly. “You lost!”
She nodded. “There are a lot of talented singers out there, and the girl that won had the whole package. Hair, makeup… the right people behind her.”
I growled again.
“But.” She put her palm against my chest, pushing me back into the seat. “Before I left the club, I was approached by a man.”
“I swear to God, Aerie, if you tell me you hitched a ride back with the that nut wagon…”
She drew up short. “What’s a nut wagon?”
I made a dismissive gesture with my hand, still pissed about all these dangerous things she did. “You know, some douche who carts his balls around like they’re God’s gift to women.”
She giggled, pressed her lips together, then giggled again. “Well, that nut wagon was Byron Ryan.”
I grimaced. “I think it’s best if we just don’t tell him what I said.”
Aerie nodded definitively. “Anyway,” she enunciated and patted me on the leg. “He gave me his card, told me that even though I didn’t win, he liked my voice. He had a song they were trying to find the right voice for, and he thought mine could be it.”
“‘The Telltale Heart?’” I asked, thinking of her first single, which basically turned her into an overnight success.
She seemed surprised. “You know my first song?”
“I know all your songs.”
She melted against the seat, her body turning so she faced me. “That’s really sweet.”
“Sweet, but not gay.” I reminded her.
“Definitely not.” She concurred. “I didn’t know who he was at the time, or that Time Track was the biggest player in the industry. All I knew was I was willing to take any work that might help pay for medicine. I met Byron at a studio in Nashville the next day—”
I held up my hand, cutting her off, and scowled. “Did you hitch again?”
“He sent a car for me.”
“He’s definitely not a nut wagon. I need to shake that man’s hand.”
Aerie rolled her eyes. “I spent most of the day in the studio with him and his producers. And by the end of it, he pulled out a contract and offered me a recording deal. I signed it right there. I didn’t even know what I was getting myself into really. I just knew he was offering me an advance, and I desperately needed the money.”
I nodded, completely understanding, yet at the same time, inside I was cringing. She could have signed her life away, gotten some hideous deal, and totally been screwed. I wasn’t kidding when I said I needed to shake Byron’s hand. Thank God for him. I needed to send him an Edible Arrangement.
“The money helped with Grammy?” I asked, even though there was a whispering warning in the back of my mind that this story wasn’t over yet.
She nodded slowly, and the warning in my head turned to a full-blown suspicion. “It did. Until it ran out.”
“Ah, princess,” I murmured, reaching for her.
Aerie evaded my touch, though, sitting back and regarding me with the same wary look she’d given me when we first sat down. “And that’s how I got involved with Will.”
Aerie
I wondered if he knew.
If Nate knew just how much of an anchor he was sitting here holding on to me. If he let go, I might surely float out into the galaxy surrounding us and simply disappear.
Admitting how much of an uncharmed life I’d lived was one of the most difficult things. Second only to actually living through it. Some people would say I should be proud because of all the things I’d “overcome.” I didn’t see it that way, though.
I didn’t overcome my father’s criminal record or my mother’s overdose. I still lived with the heart-wrenching pain of losing the only woman who ever loved me to a disease I hated more than anything in the entire world.
Overcoming something means to rise above it. I never rose above anything. I wasn’t better than I’d been before. Being famous just opened a door for more heartache.
I’d actually never told anyone this much about myself, not even Will. I suspected he knew everything about me because that’s what Will did. He paid people to know things. I never actually laid it all out like this for him, for anyone.
This was a leap. A risk. Sort of my one “all-in” shot with someone. I hoped Ten had been right when he said Nate wasn’t going anywhere. If he left me after all this, I might never recover.
I was very afraid I was falling in love with him. The longer he sat here and held my hand, the more kisses he pressed to my hairline, and the more stupid jokes he cracked, I would fall deeper and deeper… until every last piece of my heart lay unprotected in his hands.
“I wondered when we’d get to him.” Nate made a face like he’d swallowed a rotten egg.
“I’m pretty ashamed.” I ducked my head.
“Why would you be ashamed, princess?” His hand was in my lap. I stared down at the contrast between our fingers.
“Because everything I just told you sucks, but none of it was really anything I did wrong, you know? Like I had no control over my shitty parents or that I grew up in what I now realize was poverty.”
He made a sound, and I lifted my chin. “That’
s how you know you were raised by one of the good ones, sweetheart. You didn’t know you were poor until you were old enough to really look around.”
I smiled. Warmth suffused my chest. It was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said about my grandmother. “You’re right. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t have because Grammy always made it feel like we had everything.”
I didn’t realize I was crying until Nate swiped a tear from the corner of my eye.
“The stuff with Will?” I continued. “Everything that’s happened, I had control over… I was just too weak to stop it.”
“Stop what? The marriage?” The muscles in his jaw ticked when he said that. I never wanted to marry Will, but that feeling was even stronger now. Now I knew it bothered Nate.
“The marriage is just the last in a long line of bad decisions when it comes to Will.” I admitted. “Remember when I said I got an advance from Byron?”
Nate nodded.
“I spent it all on treatments and medicine for Grammy. She stayed in a care facility while I was working on my first single. I was scared to leave her home alone.”
He nodded encouragingly.
“Between signing the contract and when I started working on the single, there was a period of time. It wasn’t like an overnight thing. But the networking started right away. Byron started taking me around to parties and events, introducing me as his newest discovered star. I was so awed by it all. I’d never seen so much glamour in all my life.”
“That’s understandable, princess.”
I took a breath, feeling the familiar cramp in my stomach I always felt when I thought about how I first met Will. If I only knew then what I knew now…
“Will was at one of the parties. He was tall and handsome, rich, and everyone vied for his attention.”
Nate coughed. “Douche canoe.”
“I was shy and overwhelmed. Innocent in a lot of ways. Will introduced himself. I couldn’t believe he even noticed me.”
“I bet everyone in that room noticed you,” Nate rebutted, tucking my hair behind my ear.
“We talked. He was a nice guy. I liked being around him because he was my opposite. I was so shy, and he was the life of the party. Anyway, he started showing up at all the events I was at, and then one night, he asked for my number.” I laughed lightly, remembering how shocked I’d been. “I didn’t even have a phone. The look on his face…” I laughed.
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