by Robin Roseau
"Well," I said. "There is only one chair. Perhaps you wish to sit at my feet."
"Perhaps I should order you to sit at mine," she replied.
"You know that's an order I would refuse."
"You said you would go where I ordered. I could order you to sit at my feet." She had picked up my playful mood.
"Well, you could try that," I said slowly. "We could see how it goes. But it might be a little soon for a gambit of that nature. But offering to sit at my feet could go over very, very well with me."
She didn't say anything. Instead, she moved to the fire, using the poker to make adjustments, then she adjusted the metal screen, enclosing the fire more carefully.
"Have I been too lax?"
"Not that I could tell," she said. "But we aren't staying here to manage it. I'll have Hilopid come in later and bank it properly, once it has burned down a little further. I'm sorry; your room will be chilly when I return you tonight."
"I suppose you think I'll flee from the cold into your bed."
She didn't turn around, but she said softly, "Neither of us is ready for that."
"No," I agreed. "I'll be fine, Sartine."
She straightened and turned to me. "You have been clear in some ways, but confusing in others. You set rules, and then you violate those rules as it suits you. You appear to direct what is to happen, but then you tell me you expect me to make our choices. You confuse me."
"I have stated my requirements. My job, exercise, entertainment, et cetera. Those are not about our relationship; those are about needs that you will not allow me to manage myself, and so I state my requirements. Does this confuse you?"
"No."
"I state rules as to the ways I will allow you to touch me. If I have not set a rule, then the rule does not exist." I paused. "I have not told you that you may not touch my ass, but you can probably guess how I'll respond if you do."
She laughed. "Perhaps touching of your backside is something that happens after touching of your lips."
"Exactly," I said. "So do you now understand?"
"You have stated you will obey my commands, but then have stated you will not."
"I have suggested some commands are acceptable, but that invitations are more readily accepted."
At that, she nodded. "Come," she said, stepping past me.
And I followed.
She led the way out the door, but then she took my arm, and I allowed her to.
She led the way downstairs and to the sitting room. I hadn't been this far from my room for a long time, and I found it oddly liberating. But now I wanted to run free, to run around outside for a time, shrieking with joy.
How odd, given my anger earlier.
Hilopid was waiting in the sitting room. "Hello, Cecilia," he said in greeting.
"Hello, Hilopid." I was a little disappointed. I wanted to just talk to Sartine until she drew me out to be sociable with everyone else. But I shouldn't have worried.
"Hilopid," Sartine said, "Thank you for lighting the fire. It is marvelous."
"You're welcome."
"I don't think we'll be late tonight, but there is an untended fire in Cecilia's room. Can you check on it and bank it properly when it burns down a little?"
"Sure. No problem." He headed for the door, and we passed him on our way to a lovely little love seat sitting before the fire he had going. But then he said, "Sartine? I'm glad you're back." He ran back over to us and hugged her. She released my arm and turned around in his arms, wrapping her own around her brother.
"I missed you," she whispered.
"I missed you, too. Do you think Mordain is happy?"
"I think she is warm. I hope she is happy."
"This is your last chance with Cecilia," he said. "Don't ruin it again."
"I'll try not to."
Then he pulled away and was halfway to the door before I came to a decision. "Hilopid."
He turned to face me.
"I wouldn't suppose I could have one of those hugs, too."
He was much shyer with me. I looked over his shoulder to see Sartine wearing an expression conveying surprise and amusement. And then he was gone.
"That was sweet," she said to me.
"I was wrong about him. He is awkward, but a better boy than I thought. He loves you."
"Yeah. Imagine: a little brother loving his domineering big sister."
I laughed. "My little sister loves her domineering big sister."
"I bet she didn't when she was fifteen."
"Maybe not."
She took my arm and pulled me to the loveseat. We sat down, partly facing each other. Then she didn't say anything.
"You feel awkward, don't you?" I observed.
"Yes. You?"
"A little, but perhaps not as much. Did you have something in particular you wanted to talk about, or just random talk? I will tell you, I want to know about your trip, but it is perhaps not the most pressing conversation, and it doesn't need to be private."
"Then we will talk about that over dinner," she said, and I nodded. But still she didn't say anything further.
I smiled. "Just ask, Sartine. Just ask."
"What's it like?"
"What part?"
"This staying young thing."
"Ah. That's not really it. Hmm. Tell me about something here that gets old, but then you repair it, and it's like new."
"The chest in your room. It is old. About five years ago, it looked pretty bad. So the family that makes the furniture-"
"I met Metarine and Ballain. I want you to take me to their workshop."
"Yes. Metarine and Ballain's father picked up the chest. They took it to their shop. The stripped the finish and sanded out the dents and bangs. They repaired a few drawers. Then they refinished it."
"That's a perfect example. We do the same thing, but with people. It's almost exactly the same. We go to a clinic." It was an English word. "Um. A building with doctors."
"And magic machines."
"Yes, very magic machines. Magic I don't understand. First, they spend a long time talking about what we want."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they are going to make our bodies young, but how young? Thirty? Twenty? Ten?"
"Wait! You could go back to being ten?"
"I know some people who loved high school so much, they keep going back, over and over."
"I'd never do that!" she said.
"Don't say 'never'. Imagine this. Imagine you decided to live a few decades on Centos Four with me."
"A few decades?"
"Just imagine. Couldn't you see wanting to experiencing everything? I'm not saying we would do it this way, but couldn't you imagine wanting to go to school to learn everything I had learned? You could learn as an adult, but it's different, isn't it? We could go together. We could grow up together, all over again. I'm not saying I want to do that. Honestly, ten is too young. But sixteen? Sixteen is an adult in your eyes, and while it's not an adult in mine, it's not a child anymore, either. You see?"
"All right. I don't think ten. Or even sixteen."
"I am only saying: do not say never. Never is a very long time, and what if I really, really wanted to be ten with you. Would you deny me? Especially if I gave you something you wanted, too?"
She laughed. "All right. I won't say never."
"So, they ask how old you want to appear. I have gone back to as low as twenty-one, but not younger. My sister did sixteen once, although she didn't go to school."
"I see."
"I tend to prefer twenty-five, and unless I have another reason, that is the age I pick."
"Okay."
"But you also pick other things. You can change almost anything. Almost. You could be a man, for instance."
"No!"
"Well, maybe you don't want to be a man, but you could be, as big as your uncle."
"No!" she said again.
"Other changes? Hair color? Tall? Short? Whatever you want, almost."
She s
hook her head.
"I know. It's a lot to take in. The first time we go, some of us take the most drastic changes. Savannah did. I was much more conservative. I changed my hair. I made it very, very long. It was a pain, and I cut it only a few months later. It wasn't until two more times later that I did things that were more drastic."
"Have you been a man?"
I made a face, and she laughed.
"So you are the height you want to be with this hair."
"Yes. And everyone is beautiful."
"So when you say I am beautiful, it is meaningless?"
"No, it is not. I love how you look. But it is meaningless to me when you tell me I am beautiful. I want you to say other things about me. Do you understand?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"I have been short, much shorter than you are. I have been tall. I am comfortable with this height, but it is not important to me. It is convenient. Practical."
"Ah."
"If we become more than we are right now-"
"If you become my galatzi wife..."
"Yes. Then in a few years, I would want us to go. Do you see? Now you understand some of the things I said to you?"
She nodded.
"We would go together. We would take these long interviews together, and then we would talk together. I would not let you do this the first time without being very sure you knew what you wanted."
"You would want me to change?"
"Actually, I would tell you to change very little, but to change something. Just something you can see, so you know it's real. That is the advice our parents give us, that we change something."
"You made your hair long."
"Yes, and silkier. I like it silky, like it is now."
She reached a hand for my hair, then stopped. I nodded. "For this conversation, we are friends. It is not a lover's caress." And so she fingered my hair. "I like your hair," she said.
"Thank you. I do, too. But I like yours as well."
"So what would you tell me to change?"
"I wouldn't. I would help you decide. My mother helped me, but she cautioned me I was making my hair too long. I did it anyway. She was right."
"Mothers usually are." We nodded together. "Give me some ideas at least."
"I would suggest you think about something simple, like your eyes. You could have a different color."
"You don't like my eyes?"
"I love your eyes. But it is fun to change, too." I smiled. "You could change your nose, but it is fits your face perfectly, and I don't think you should change it." I reached out and tapped the end of her nose. She wrinkled at me, which I thought was cute. I managed not to laugh.
"I have big feet," she said. "And they're ugly."
"You have lovely feet. I checked. Lovely feet is important."
She laughed. "They are big for my size."
"Maybe you want to be taller than I am."
Her eyes grew wide. "I could order you to be short."
I thought about it.
"I am vendart!" she explained. "I could order you to be short."
"Maybe," I said. "Or perhaps you would ask me to be short. One is more likely to get you somewhere than the other."
"Would you become short, for me?"
"I would not want to be any shorter than you are currently, so if you wish to be taller than me, you would need to grow at least a few centimeters. Or you could ask me to keep this height, and you could be very tall. But I will tell you something."
"What?"
"I think your height is perfect. But if you want to be taller, that would be perfect, too."
She smiled but didn't say anything.
"So... They talk to us. They talk about other things they can do. They can make us healthier. They can make it so we react differently to the sun. If this was a very hot planet, they can give us bodies better suited to a desert. Do you see?" She nodded. "They can also fix anything wrong inside."
"Like your headaches."
"Yes, like my headaches." I paused. "I do not want you to be angry about my headaches. I have not told you what is causing them, and I am not ready to do so yet. When I finally tell you, I do not want you to be angry if I let you believe the wrong thing now."
"Do you still have them?"
"The cause is still there, but I have learned to avoid them. Except when speaking too much Talmonese."
"You're much better."
"Immersion," I said. "So you see, it is a long conversation. They do many tests to see if there are things they must fix. They talk about that. They talk about things I won't think of, as I don't do this a hundred times a day. You see?" She nodded. "And then we schedule when we start. Sometimes it's right away. Pop! Walk next door and they start. Sometimes you want to wait. The first time, you wait, just in case you aren't sure, and you talk about it all with the people closest to you. I would make you wait, at least until you have talked to me once more, and maybe my mother. My mother is very wise."
"I imagine," she said.
"But then you go into a room. You lie in a bed, and they make you sleep. And you don't wake up for a long time."
"Years?"
"Not years, but it depends on how much they do. If you are thirty and wish to be twenty-five with no other changes, a week. If you are ninety and want to look sixteen, switch from female to male, gain a hundred kilos... Perhaps six weeks. Do you see?"
"Yes. Only six weeks?"
"Then you come out, and you are weak. If you have made small changes, you recover quickly. A week or two. So less than a month, you are as good as new."
"Better than new."
"Yes. Then you go home, and you are a new person. But if you had drastic changes, then it can take a while to grow accustomed to your body. Have you seen how clumsy a teenager can be after a growth spurt?"
She laughed. "I did that."
"I don't believe you have had any growth spurts," I said, and she gave a mock look of hurt. "It may be that you need to learn to walk again, or to not bang your head into things. You may need to learn how to pick up an egg without breaking it."
"I don't understand."
"Imagine if you went from your size to your uncle's. If you applied the strength you currently do to pick up an egg, but with your uncle's hands, you will crush it. Or if you clasped my hand, you could break my bones. Your uncle doesn't even have to think about this, because he grew into his size. But you would need to learn."
Her eyes were wide again.
"This is another reason your first change shouldn't be too drastic, so you do not need to be there for six months."
"If I were taller? If we switched heights?"
"An extra week, perhaps not even that. You would be clumsy for a year or two though."
"And you wouldn't be?"
"I am more accustomed to these changes. And it is easy to become smaller, except you keep over-estimating what your body can do. The first time I was short, and I went home, I couldn't reach the dishes in my cupboards."
She smiled.
"So, a little more. For an imperial citizen, you may have rejuvenation therapy every five years, and The Empire pays for it. You may also make small changes, and The Empire pays for those."
"Like long hair."
"Yes, or a little taller or shorter. A smaller chest, perhaps. And anything that is broken, they fix. The Empire pays. If you want drastic changes, then you must pay the extra."
"I couldn't pay."
I smiled. "I can."
"I supposed by the time one is ninety-seven..."
"Yes. So, if you have little money, you perhaps go every five years, or maybe every ten. Some people don't like therapy, so they wait until they are forty-five or fifty, but I have never waited that long. Or you may go if you have a real need."
"Like your headaches?"
"Or perhaps burned in an accident, or something else horrible like that. Sometimes people are..." I looked away.
"What?"
"Sometimes bad things happen. Things that
hurt your mind."
"Like... rape?"
"Yes."
"Or being kidnapped from your home?"
"Yes."
"Oh Darling," she said, and when she caressed me, I didn't chastise her. Then she apologized and pulled her hand away.
"That was a friend's touch," I said. "Sometimes these things happen, and The Empire will let someone have therapy to help them recover, and they will let you have a few more drastic changes. Not anything you want, but they will help you heal." I looked back. "If I were ever raped, I would never ever wear that body again. I would throw it away like a broken dish."
"And after being kidnapped?" she asked.
"I don't know. We'll see what happens."
"I'm sorry."
I put fingers against her lips. "You see?" She nodded.
We talked a little more about it. We got a little silly after a few minutes. She asked about the most drastic changes I'd done, and then the most drastic I'd seriously considered but hadn't done. She asked if I wanted her to be a man sometime.
"No!"
She laughed.
"What if I want to?"
"Well, if I am no longer your galatzi wife, then it is your choice. But if I am your galatzi wife, then you are my wife." I paused. "Damn it, that's the same word. In English, there is a different word for a man or a woman. You would be a woman, not a man. That is one change I don't want. If we are only friends, then I would only ask you to consider carefully and point out you would be stuck with it for at least five years."
"But it is drastic. Even if you paid the first time, perhaps you wouldn't pay the second."
"It is easy for them to change you to your natural gender. Well, easier. They allow that. But you would be stuck, unless I paid for you, for five years."
"If I let you pick, but I told you to do something drastic to me, what would you do?"
"I would make you very, very ticklish."
She laughed. "You would not."
"I might. I wouldn't do anything that made you awkward. You are very graceful, and I love that about you. I don't know. I'd ask Mother to help pick."
She laughed again. "Chicken. Tell me."
"Maybe I would give you skin as white as the snow."
"Oh."
"I don't know. It would depend on our relationship. Maybe I would give you very, very big eyes."