by Wan, Helen
“You’re our best customer,” the frosted-blond lady would say each week as she beamed down at me from behind the checkout counter.
That year, the year I was ten, our washing machine had broken down one night. My mother called Sears and, after being on hold for the better part of an hour, explained in her halting, accented English what had happened and when she had purchased the machine. I was sitting at the kitchen table, doing my fraction problems, half-listening to my mother’s end of the conversation. The customer service representative curtly replied that Sears was not obligated to repair anything, then hung up on my mother.
My mother saved everything. She found the original sales receipt for the washing machine we’d gotten at Sears and asked me to read the warranty language. The warranty was good for a whole year, and it had only been ten months since we’d gotten it.
That week when my mother took me to the library, she asked at the desk for a book on how to write an official business letter. The librarian seemed overjoyed to have been asked a question. She led my mother over to the stacks and removed a shiny yellow paperback, dusted off the cover, and handed it to her: Business Letters That Work!
I studied and studied that book. I carefully read the explanations of each component of a formal letter. Many of them were new words to me, but they seemed so grown-up and important. I loved the sound of them. Salutation. Greeting. Body. Closing. Signature.
With this book and the crumpled, yellowing Sears receipt lying on the table, I prepared to type on my father’s Smith-Corona typewriter. I used a jar of Skippy peanut butter to hold open the book’s pages.
First, I typed the date. Next, the recipient’s name and address. “Sears Customer Service Center.” I carefully copied the address from the warranty slip. Then came the salutation. “To Whom It May Concern,” I typed, following the example in the library book. Finally, I reread the directions for composing the body of the letter.
“Step One: Clearly state the purpose of your letter. Your tone should be courteous but firm. Step Two: Give the supporting information the recipient will need to evaluate your request. Step Three: Restate your request, and thank the recipient for his or her time and consideration.”
Carefully, I typed:
The purpose of this letter is to inform you that my washing machine from your store is broken and to ask you to please fix it for free.
The machine was purchased at your store in Rockville, Maryland, on December 4. The warranty stapled to my receipt says that “Repairs and service are guaranteed until one year from date of purchase,” and the year is not up yet. (I still have the receipt because I save everything.)
I will now restate my request. Please send someone to fix my washing machine, because the year is not up yet. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Fondly,
Mrs. Elinor Yan-Mei Yung
My mother read it, smiled at me, and pronounced that it was perfect. She signed her name at the bottom in careful script and mailed it. Three and a half weeks later, a man in a Sears van pulled into our driveway and repaired our washing machine at no charge.
My parents had never been prouder of me. Beaming, my mother hugged me and said that I was her very smart girl. And that I should grow up and become a lawyer, and that way my mother and father would always be sure that no one could push them around just because they looked or talked differently from anyone else.
Nobody bosses my Ingrid around, my mother had said, in Chinese. I thought about that quite a lot, even now. Especially now.
I looked across the desk and shrugged at Dr. Rossi. “I don’t know, it beats flipping burgers,” I said.
Dr. Rossi was looking carefully at me. He leaned way back in his chair, placed his right foot on his left knee, and crossed his arms. “Ingrid,” he said.
I blinked at him.
“I can’t help you if you won’t help me,” he said.
“I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t remember asking anyone for any help.”
Dr. Rossi leaned forward again in his chair. “Look,” he said in a lowered voice. “This may surprise you, but I completely appreciate the position you’re in. I realize you’re up for partner in a few short weeks, and I’ve heard the scuttlebutt that your chances are thought to be excellent.”
I perked up a little. Scuttlebutt? There was scuttlebutt? I cleared my throat. “Where have you heard this?”
Dr. Rossi gave me a sidelong look. “You forget that I’ve been having lunch with various groups of partners here all week. People talk.”
This was good. This was very good. I looked down at my lap so he wouldn’t see the broad grin spreading across my face.
“So you see,” he continued, “I appreciate why you might have very little incentive to speak candidly with me about diversity and inclusion at this firm. I mean, so what if the system’s broken, it’s working all right for you, is that it?”
I didn’t nod, but I didn’t correct him, either.
“You’ve obviously been very successful in your career here, and that’s terrific. But could I invite you to speculate on why there’s only one of you who’s made it this far? That is to say, why there aren’t more women of color up for partnership?”
While I tried to think of a diplomatic response, Dr. Rossi held up an Excel spreadsheet. “For example, I see that in your entering class, there was another Asian American woman, but she quit within the first year and a half. I’m curious to hear your thoughts about why she might have left. Why do you feel the firm was unable to retain her?”
I remembered this woman—Zhang Liu—very clearly, though I’d tried to forget. For the first few months after our new associate orientation, a lot of the partners and secretaries had had trouble telling us apart, even though we looked nothing alike. Zhang wore her hair short with bangs. Mine was long and layered. She also stood a head taller than me. But a year later, we still got each other’s interoffice mail.
Zhang Liu was from Beijing and had come to the States at the age of eighteen to attend MIT. She had aced the bar exam and every other standardized test known to civilization. Rumor had it she was brilliant, but it was hard to tell, since she spoke English that was technically correct but strongly accented. Her blunt-cut hair always looked like it needed shampooing, and she wore shapeless, ill-fitting suits that obscured what was actually a pretty decent figure. She was extremely shy, and almost never joined in when a group of us went out to grab lunch or drinks. On the rare occasions she did come out, Zhang hovered silently on the outer fringes of our group, nursing a 7-Up, while the rest of us tossed back martinis and traded dirty jokes and gossip. And when she did speak, her voice was so soft and low it barely rose above a whisper. Once, at a Corporate Department meeting, I’d seen Marty Adler lose his patience and snap, “Speak up, Zhang, for God’s sake.” I’d never heard Adler speak to an associate like that before or since; it had stuck with me.
Another time, Harold Rubinstein had actually praised her for an excellent research memo she had prepared on some new securities disclosure regs. “It was extremely well done, Zhang,” he had said, in front of all of us. “Great job.” Zhang had blushed, and murmured something in protest about how it had really been a group effort and that, really, two summer associates had done most of the research. I shook my head. She just wasn’t getting it. Everyone knew that on the rare occasion when a partner publicly praised your work, the only right answer was Thank you.
About a year after we started, Zhang ventured to my office late one night. She knocked tentatively on my door, and I looked up, startled, from the stack of corporate minutes I’d been reviewing and marking with a yellow highlighter. Apropos of nothing, she asked me if I knew how to speak Chinese.
“No,” I lied.
I knew how much courage this must have taken on her part; I knew just how much it must have cost her. And yet, to my embarrassment, I could not summon the courage in myself to do the kind thing.
It had only been my first year. My own
position at the firm was not yet so secure that I could afford to be associated with Zhang Liu any more than I already was. I was terrified she’d drag me down.
I was passing, and she was not.
Zhang stuck it out at Parsons Valentine a few more months, collected her December bonus, and quit. I had no idea where she’d gone.
I thought about Zhang Liu from time to time, especially last winter, when I’d reread one of my favorite books from college—The Woman Warrior, by Maxine Hong Kingston. I got stuck on one scene in which the tough, rebellious heroine terrorizes a Chinese American classmate in the girls’ bathroom, pulling on her pigtails and pinching her cheeks to force her to speak English. I looked into her face so I could hate it close up, she wrote. I realized, with a sharp stab of guilt, that that was exactly what I had done—looked into Zhang Liu’s lost, lonely face and hated it close up.
“All right, look,” I sighed. “Let’s just say that, in my experience, most white men are still a lot more comfortable working with guys who look, talk, and act just like them.”
“But what about the various initiatives of the Diversity and Inclusion Committee?” prodded Dr. Rossi.
I snorted. As far as I could tell, until the incident at the firm outing, the Diversity and Inclusion Committee had been all but defunct. Their “initiatives” had consisted of taking the associates to see The Lion King on Broadway, throwing a margarita happy hour on Cinco de Mayo, and serving spring rolls and dumplings in the Jury Box during Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.
Well, we didn’t need fucking Dumpling Day in the firm cafeteria. We needed decoder rings for all of the unwritten rules of survival here.
Dr. Rossi was rubbing his chin. “Do you think it’s possible for young women of color to find mentors at a place like this?”
“Possible, yes. Easy, no,” I said.
“Have you, personally, made attempts to find mentors during your career here?”
I smiled ruefully.
“Did I say something funny?” Dr. Rossi asked.
I shrugged. “Well, they’re always giving advice to young associates to ‘find a mentor early on.’ Oh, sure. Like it’s just that easy.”
“Isn’t it?” he prompted.
“No.”
When we’d first arrived at Parsons Valentine, we were cheerfully given name tags and ushered into a first-year orientation session in a midtown ballroom, where we were plied with Perrier and sushi as a chorus of shiny young partners trumpeted advice. Seek out mentors and sponsors! Walk right up and introduce yourself to the partners you want to learn from! Don’t be shy about asking for work!
I took their advice. Or tried to. I carefully planned how I would approach Ellen Chu Sanderson, the only Chinese American woman at the firm, who had been named Of Counsel (a rung that was a step below partner, just not quite there). I’d already read her profile in the New York Law Journal, where she had once been featured as one of the Top Ten Women Lawyers of Color to Watch. (The joke went that it hadn’t been hard to make the list when there were only fifty or so practicing.)
Ellen was in her midforties, married with no kids—her husband was a managing director at Goldman—and she’d been named Of Counsel when she was thirty-nine, in the firm’s Intellectual Property group. I knew all of this because I had done my research. She’d gone to Yale, too—both college and law school—and had even played on the Yale women’s tennis team. With all that in common, how could she not take me under her wing? She’d tell me which partners to work with, the ones to avoid. The screamers, the nice guys. Perhaps she’d take me to lunch. It would start out as an occasional thing, but soon we’d have a monthly lunch date where we’d dish about everything from who was making partner to where she got her hair done. Eventually she’d invite me to her house in the Hamptons, where we’d giggle over lemonade and tea cookies and I would let her beat me at tennis. (I knew she and her husband had such a house; they’d once offered it as a summer rental in the Parsons Valentine newsletter. Fifteen thousand for the month.)
So one morning soon after arriving at the firm, I’d looked up Ellen Chu Sanderson in the firm’s online directory and mustered up the courage to stop by her office. I walked past the unfamiliar names on the brass nameplates—I hadn’t been up to the thirty-third floor yet, nor had I met many lawyers from the IP group—and paused in front of the one that read ELLEN CHU SANDERSON. The door was partially closed, and I could hear her on the phone inside. I hesitated.
“Help you with something, sweetie?” asked Ellen Chu Sanderson’s secretary, a young, pretty, heavily eyeshadowed woman sitting behind the counter across from me.
“Oh!” I whirled around. “I’m a new associate here, and I just wanted to say hello to Ellen.” Then I thought that might sound weird, so I said by way of explanation, “We—we both played tennis on the same college team.”
She smiled. “Well, I’m sure Ellen’d love to meet you.” She winked and lowered her voice. “Ellen’s a real sweetie. I lucked out, you know? You should have seen the guy they gave me when I first got here.”
I smiled and nodded. “Yeah.” And I welled up with pride that my future mentor was someone whom secretaries spoke kindly about.
“Oh, looks like she’s off the phone,” said Ellen’s secretary. “Quick. Better catch her before she gets on another call. Just knock and go on in.”
“Even though she has her door closed?”
“Oh yeah, she just does that when she’s having her breakfast or lunch in there.” Again she lowered her voice and whispered. “She doesn’t like it when people see her eat,” she informed me.
“Oh,” I said, stepping up to the door and giving it a firm knock.
“Come in,” said a sweet voice, lilting and warm.
I opened the door and walked into Ellen Chu Sanderson’s office. She looked younger than she did in her photo. She wore her hair in a short shiny bob and had cat’s-eye glasses and very white teeth.
She blinked up at me, and I swear her smile disappeared in about a split second.
“Can I help you?” she asked. Her tone wasn’t unfriendly (not quite), but it wasn’t welcoming, either. Undaunted, sort of, I put on my best interview smile and walked forward to her desk. “Hi,” I said brightly. “I’m Ingrid Yung.”
She remained where she was. “Ohh-kay. And I’m supposed to know you how?”
She might as well have slapped me. I wanted to turn and run, but I stood my ground. “Uh, you don’t know me, actually,” I heard myself say. “I’m a new associate in Corporate, and I just wanted to come and introduce myself. I understand you also played Yale Tennis when you were there.”
“And how would you know that?” She narrowed her eyes at me.
I suddenly felt incredibly stupid. This had been a very poor idea. How could I have been so presumptuous? Ellen Chu Sanderson had more important things to do than adopt some first-year as the little sister she’d never had.
“Oh, I, uh—”
“Listen,” she said with a fake half-smile. “I’m swamped. Now’s really not a good time.”
I looked at the half-eaten English muffin and the copy of The Wall Street Journal open on her desk.
“Okay. I—I’m sorry,” I said, backing out of her office.
“It was good of you to stop by,” she said, closing the door in my face.
That was the first and last time I ever spoke to Ellen Chu Sanderson. For years afterward, whenever we spotted each other at firm cocktail parties, we’d duck our heads and avoid each other. She seemed as reluctant to cross paths with me as I was to run into her. Maybe she figured there was only room for one Asian American, female, Yale Tennis alumna at the firm, and that was just fine with her. She left Parsons Valentine last year after being appointed to a high-ranking counsel position at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. I suspect we were both relieved.
Dr. Rossi was looking at me gravely. “And how does it make you feel, Ingrid, to know that it isn’t as easy for women to find willing mentors as it i
s for men?”
I flinched. Dr. Rossi was making my head hurt. I had neither the time nor the desire to help him perform his dramatic overhaul of the gender and race hierarchy in corporate America. If he thought he’d found his little Norma Rae, he was sorely mistaken.
“Sorry,” I said. I’d had enough. “I have a conference call in five minutes. Can we continue this conversation another time?”
He looked thoughtfully at me. “I look forward to it.”
EIGHT
“Come on, Yung, hurry it up.” Hunter poked his head inside my office. “Murph and the rest of the guys are all waiting downstairs. If we don’t show by seven fifteen, we forfeit the game!”
“I don’t know how you talked me into this,” I said from the other side of my office door. “Lawyers League softball isn’t exactly how I planned to spend my night.”
Hunter was wearing a blue and white Parsons Valentine baseball cap with the brim pulled down low. His left shoulder was weighted down with a huge duffel bag bearing the firm logo, and in his arms he carried three bats plus a catcher’s mitt. He lumbered around to the other side of my door, knocking over my neat piles of Lexis printouts, SEC filings, and Redwelds as he went.
“Hey, hey, hey. Careful with the wide load there.” I transferred sneakers, clean socks, and yoga pants from my cedar wardrobe into my gym bag. “Uh-oh. I don’t have a clean T-shirt.”