It felt like a blow to my chest and a vice on my heart when she sat up and paused her book. She whispered almost in challenge, “Maybe you should.”
My god, she didn't really mean that did she? Didn't I mean anything to her? She was just being cruel. So I hissed out, “Maybe I should.”
It looked like she was fighting something back then she reached into my pocket and handed me my phone. Now she wasn't just being cruel, she was daring me to do it! I stared at the phone for a long time and looked at her almost angry defiant look then I dialed... “Hi Tay?”
***
That was the end of my happiness. Why was I so stupid, why did I feel the need to do it? Why did I take her dare when all I wanted to do was yell, “No! I love you!”? Instead I had set up a date with Taylor for the next Friday. She had excused herself to bed after that. I had cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row.
She was gone in the morning again. She didn't get home till late that night. She said she was tired and wanted to go to bed early. I felt like I was being excused again. Did I finally do it? Did I destroy the only good relationship I had ever had? All relationships end.
Her living room drapes were closed for the first time I could ever remember. This kept going for days. One day Daisy ran outside and was barking. I went out to see what the commotion was and the gate between the houses was closed. I opened it and went up to her house and the dog door was closed too. I knocked but Robin wasn't there.
I finally caught up to her the next day and she just said she was getting really busy lately and didn't want Daisy coming over if she wasn't there to take care of her. She seemed so cold and removed. I asked if she wanted to talk about it but she said, “I'm really busy. We can talk later.”
That was the last time I was in her house. She seemed to shut Daisy and I out. I had called Taylor and told him I really couldn't see him on Friday, that I was just mad at Robin when I called him. He was really sweet and said, “I thought it was kind of weird. I mean, you two are about the cutest non-couple couple I know.” I giggled at that.
I was so depressed after that I swear my meds weren't working. Even Lessa's midnight calls were doing nothing for my mood. I was freefalling down into the pits of hell without a parachute. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the wards or the shelter, I didn't want to drag anyone down with me.
There was no way my world could have gotten darker, that is until Saturday morning when I heard something outside and I saw a realtor pounding a “for sale” sign into Robin's front lawn. She wouldn't answer the door or the dozens of my frantic phone calls. This was her family home, she loved that house! What in the hell was going on? A part of my subconscious was screaming at me. “You know damn well why you idiot! Talk to her!”
I sort of walled myself in at home, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but her drapes were always shut now. It seems that she timed her departures and arrivals around my work schedule. Was I such a terrible person that I had pushed her that far away? I must be. Oh god... I can't live without her. Maybe I shouldn't.
Chapter 13 – Rock Bottom
My heart felt like it had stopped when Brandye said that Lessa wanted her to ask out Taylor. I was still trying to process the prior night when my angel had kissed me. Then she pulled away like she was disgusted. Well maybe she was, she's not gay but her parents are so I wouldn't expect that from her. Even if she thought it was a mistake, it was probably the first perfect moment of my life. You know, one of those defining moments who makes you who you are meant to be?
I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, why she didn't want me after our years together. Was I not pretty enough? Not good enough? I know I'm not the most direct person, and was always scared to death just to ask her what we were together. I mean, I know she's my soulmate with all my heart, but did that translate for her romantically? I took a chance, I have been such a coward the past three years and I said, “Maybe you should.” If I were honest with myself, I was perhaps being a little cruel and daring her to do it.
I said a silent prayer but my heart stopped when she hissed out, “Maybe I should.” Then she did. I wanted to die right then. I knew at that moment that though she loved me, she wasn't IN love with me like I was with her. It was all just a foolish fantasy on my part all this time. Have you ever felt like your heart had been physically torn from your body and have it crushed and torn apart before your very eyes and you feel every moment of it? That was my moment, and it was excruciating. For a second I believed I was actually having a heart attack.
I had to get out of there before I broke and looked foolish in front of her. I lied hoarsely, “I have to get to bed. I have an early appointment with Annette.” Then just walked off into my room and shut the door without another word. I listened at the door for a long minute. Did I just hear a sob? Then the back door closed with Daisy scurrying after her a moment later. I had never felt so alone, or hurt so much, in my life. I laid down on the bed and cried until I fell into a fitful sleep.
I woke up early and called Annette. “I know it's early. I just... I just need to get out of here, can you come get me please?”
She sounded worried and came to get me before Brandye awoke for her morning run. I couldn't see Bran now, I wouldn't know what to say. I had thought... I had thought there was actually something between us, but I'm just a friend to her and I most certainly can't see her with anyone else, it would tear me up and I'd have nothing left inside.
I slipped that night and let her in, it hurt too much to pretend nothing was wrong so I excused myself to bed again. After she left, I raced out and shut my drapes.
I spent the following weeks actively avoiding her. I made sure to be gone or pretend to be gone before she woke up and I would come home after midnight each night. I would just hang out in a coffee shop down the road. The daily visits by Daisy were killing me though. I loved that little dog so much but all I could do was imagine Brandye every time the furrball came over. So one night I went out into the back yard and shut the gate between our yards. It felt like that was the final chapter. It was over and I needed out!
Brandye was waiting for me the next morning and asked why I had closed the gate and my dog door. I lied through my teeth.
I hated her. I hated me. I hated everything. I hadn't been able to paint. The music deep down in my soul wasn't playing anymore. No... I can't even pretend to hate her. I still loved her and hoped she would find the happiness she deserved with Taylor, he was a good sort. But I couldn't witness it, it was too hard and I was too much of a coward.
I called a realtor that day, I had to get out of there. I loved my house, I grew up there, but I couldn't live with myself there any longer knowing she was there next door, loving another. Lessa kept calling, and Sandra, and even Penny Franklin herself. I ignored all their calls.
I tried to be mad at her, that would make things easier. She was always keeping things from me with Tim, with her god damn art catalog that was more important than me at times. I was just being selfish, I know, but I thought we could share all of our secrets. I was just walking around like a hollow shell of myself. I needed to start over, find myself again.
The morning after the day Brandye graduated... I admit I had shown up and hid in the back and bawled when her name was called but she wasn't there to get her degree... my reminder alarm went off on my cell. When it chimed I grabbed it and hit the home button for a few seconds then said, “Play reminder.” I fought back a tear when it said, “June fourth, Brandye's senior project presentation.”
I had to be out of the house by four tonight, the realtor was showing the house to another couple. I don't know why I haven't accepted any of the offers yet. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. I took a deep breath and told myself that I would accept the next offer if it were even remotely close to my asking price. It felt like I were selling my childhood.
So I went into the kitchen and packed more boxes and used my braille labeler to make labels to stick on the boxes. I couldn't bring m
yself to even touch Daisy's food and water bowls. I would just leave those on the floor by the counter for the new owners to dispose of. My phone had been ringing all morning, it was either one Callahan or another, I just ignored it and shut my phone off.
Around three in the afternoon, I was packing the last drawer, my silverware, when there was a loud banging on the front door. It was Lessa. “Robin, get over here and open the god damn door!” I took a deep breath and sat there silently. There was more pounding then June's voice rang out, “Robin, we need to talk to you open up.” Then I heard a key in the door. Dammit, I forgot that both Brandye and Lessa had keys.
I was panicking now. My anxiety was twisting the very fiber of my being. I couldn't move and couldn't breathe. Is this what Brandye went through all the time? My god, it was terrifying! My heart broke for her a little more.
I heard them enter the room and Lessa was mad. No, not mad... furious. She rapid fired questions, “Where the hell have you been? Why are you moving? Why are you doing this to Brandye?” She was about to continue but it was all I could take, I had finally hit rock bottom, I lost all control and started sobbing. They were heart rending sobs, the type that you can't stop, that physically hurt. They take all your strength, then take even more.
There were warm arms around me suddenly and I put my face into Lessa's shoulder and shook. I just started collapsing to the ground, sound wasn't coming with the sobs as I couldn't get any air into my lungs. Lessa never released me as she lowered me down gently and we just sat there. She was stroking my hair and just softly saying, “Shhhh... It's ok sis, I'm here. Shhhh...” June's hand was on my back. I heard her murmuring, “Everything is going to be fine Picasso.”
I can see the magic Brandy describes when she speaks of Lessa's ability to calm her panic attacks. I let all the poison, and some of the pain, bleed away from me as my sobs gave way to gentle crying. I didn't want to let go, Less was a lifeline right now.
We sat there like that for at least fifteen minutes in silence, on the ground, with me just drawing strength from the two women. They were so good. They just waited for me. Finally I pulled gently away from Less and sniffled as I wiped my eyes. “I... I'm sorry... I don't know what came over me.”
I could hear the sly smirk on Lessa's face that almost made me smile as she replied, “Ain't no biggie. I'm always here for you.” She corrected herself. “We're always here for you. We love you.”
June, with her comical timing said, “Damn straight.”
They led me into the living room and sat me on the couch. One on either side of me, sharing their warmth. Lessa reached over and brushed my hair back over my shoulder and put a hand on my cheek for a second then said, “What is going on Robin? We don't understand.”
I took a deep breath. “I just can't do it. I can't watch her with Tay. I hope... I hoped I was enough for her, that one day she could love me. It hurts too much.”
There was a dual snort that came from both the women that shocked me a little. June's voice was full of mirth when she said, “You really don't know do you?” Then she chuckled. “Damn woman, you don't do things in halves do you?”
I turned toward her. “What don't I know?”
Lessa spoke and I turned back toward her, “Besides the fact that she called Taylor the moment she left your house to cancel? Brandye is so in love with you that you pushing her away like this is tearing up her soul right now.”
I shook my head in disbelief and whispered, “She would have told me. She's stronger than me.”
Lessa just replied softly, “Relationships scare the hell out of her. She believes they are all destined to fail. She was scared to tell you and curse it.”
I whispered, “No, she would have said.” My heart had started beating again, it hurt, from lack of use. Did I dare even hope?
June was pulling me up off the couch. “She has been saying it, over the past three years, in slow motion. Let us show you.” I was so confused now, what were they talking about? She gave me a shove toward my bedroom. “Go get yourself cleaned up, there is someplace we need to be, you are sort of the guest of honor.” I tried to protest but June just ignored me. “Dress nice. It is semi formal.” I was getting more confused by the moment. I trudged off toward my room and I heard June telling Less, “You go find our girl and get her there, I got this shit.”
Chapter 14 – Love Note
June wouldn't say a thing to me in the car about what was going on as she deftly navigated the streets. She would only say, “I told you, we are going to the Museum of Arts and Culture. Now zip it Picasso.” She sang along to the music on the radio, I have to admit I was a little shocked, I mean, I know she is the daughter of none other than Mandy Fay Harris and all, but my god could this girl sing.
We arrived and it was packed, we had to use a parking lot three blocks away. I flicked out my cane and proceeded to the building carefully in my low heels and sequined dress with June guiding me. I loved the soft sound of the sequins fluttering as I walked, that's the main reason I bought this dress. Well that and Brandye said I looked hot in it. I blushed at the admission. It was her favorite color, midnight blue. She had described midnight blue to me and as always, her description took my breath away. She's the only person that could ever do that for me.
I admit I had been distracted ever since the girls said that the object of my affection loved me. A little fire in the corner of my heart was daring to hope again.
We got into the MAC and June said to someone at the ticket counter, “June Harris-West and Robin Hartford.”
A woman responded, “Of course, go right in, they are waiting for you.”
She must have waved us in because the guy at the turnstiles just let us walk through. We hadn't got more than three steps when I was engulfed in a desperate hug. I smiled and said, “Hi Sandra.”
She babbled out, “Oh thank god you made it. It was so very important to her for some reason. We still have no idea what is going on and the evil girls won't tell us.” I heard Daisy's familiar whine coming from her. I reached down to her handbag and rubbed Daisy's ears. God I missed the little fuzz bucket.
I shrugged, I had no clue either. June just piped up, “Hey now. Not my secret to tell. I already told one secret tonight. Just shush and enjoy the night.”
Then another set of arms were around me from above. I grinned and said, “Hi Penny.”
Her rich voice replied, “Hi hon. I can't tell you how happy I am to see you here tonight. Maybe it will knock my girl out of her depression.” I felt guilty.
Just when I started to get my bearings there was a male voice at my side, “Oh thank god you made it. I was getting nervous. Where is she? Let's get things started.”
I was more that a little confused, who was this man? June was reprimanding the man. “Yo, Tinker. Remember social etiquette. I swear you intellectual types have no room in your brains for common human interaction.”
Then he said like an afterthought, “Oh yeah. Ummm... Hello, I'm Tim Phearson. Your girl's partner in this project. We need to start the presentation with or without Lessa. Please miss, come with me.” I shook his hand, still confused then he took my elbow much more gently than his hurried voice would have indicated as he led me off.
I looked back over my shoulder in the general direction of the women and said meekly, “Help me?”
This got some snickering from the women I see as my other moms and a, “drama queen” from June.
I whispered to the man, “I don't know what is going on.”
He seemed nonplussed as he said, “You're here just to look at something... follow my lead. She's supposed to do the speech but it looks like I'll have to wing it.”
I nodded numbly as he positioned me beside him and a woman beside us said into a microphone, “Hello everyone and welcome to this exciting and groundbreaking event here at the MAC. Here to do the unveiling is Tim Phearson, for the woman who came up with the concept, Brandye Franklin-Callahan.” There were applause and Tim took the microphone.
>
His taciturn demeanor seemed to transform as he spoke almost eloquently. “Thank you Board President McCoy.” He paused and I could hear his suit rustle a bit as he looked around, then he began. “There are few points in history where we take great strides forward, to take a chance on something new that can revolutionize or effect our culture in a profound way. Art has had few advancements in hundreds of years. The only one of any consequence has been digital art in the computer age. Sure there have been new methods like the Jacobs Effect but mostly the materials and mediums have remained unchanged to present an artist's work to the masses.”
He took a breath and I heard him turning again as if surveying the crowd. “Unfortunately not everyone can experience art the same way others can. For those with limited vision or complete blindness, they can only experience art by touch or by description. Of course, in most cases, this limits most of the works of the masters to these generalized descriptions since they would never be allowed to touch these pieces.”
He took a deep breath. “One young woman, Brandye Franklin-Callahan, didn't take this as a given. She decided to defy that logic and asked herself a simple question. What if? She came up with an idea and came to me with it after being told by countless people that what she wanted to do was impossible. But my personal motto and now Brandye's is that it is only impossible until someone accomplishes it.”
I could almost hear the smile in his voice. “And with that, SmartCanvas was born.” I heard some fabric rustle and then there was clapping, Something had been unveiled. He continued, “Current technology limits the resolution of the canvas to accomplish what we have at the actual size of the master works, so we again asked a simple question, why limit ourselves that way? So we developed a reactive canvas that allows the operator to zoom in to areas of a piece of art and examine that area by touch so that a sight challenged individual can feel the actual brush strokes at a much larger scale. Allowing anyone to actually 'see' the art as it was intended.”
Girl Next Door Page 14