by Aeryn Jaden
“Beer’s good.”
“Uh-huh. Sure it is. I suspect two beers per day kept you in a blissful state of I-don’t-give-a-shit.”
I scrunched my nose at his estimation of my alcohol tolerance. It was more like three.
“Got more? I finished them yesterday.”
“The store has them. The bars have them. I don’t have a tap that produces beer. Even if some had said…No, maybe that’s oversharing.”
“Ewww. Sean!”
“What! I didn’t say it. You have a dirty mind. No, you’re dirty, period. When was the last time you got acquainted with your shower? You stink, man.”
He made a funny face after he sniffed in my direction. I tried to push him out and off my bed without any luck. He had succeeded in waking me up completely and I gave up on hiding under my pillow in the hopes he’ll get a drift if a glared fiercely enough. For the first time in his life.
“Fine, I’m awake. What do you want?”
“You still stink. You wanna go voluntarily or dragged? Take B, please. B! B! B!”
“Ha ha. Fine. Anything else, since I’m receiving demands?”
“Shower and come to the kitchen. I’ll make a list.”
I was already on the way. And hurrying , since it wasn’t good to let him think on it to much.
My mirror hated me. I had facial hair. Like, the most I ever saw on my face. Huh. I looked like a bum- with bloodshot eyes and dressed in unrecognizable clothing articles. Entering the kitchen, I considered for a moment if I needed to revisit the toilet. Sean was torturing me with yellow-green food. My stomach barely held.
“Okay. I take it didn’t went well with loverboy.”
“I didn’t see him.”
He stopped what he was doing and looked expectantly at me. I began to see why some of my students were intimidated by little bro. He had sort of a badass reputation and his very own fan club. Bastard.
“I needed a break. I called school and took some days off.”
“And you holed yourself here.”
“Huh. Yes?”
“Figures.”
He got up from the table and disappeared in my bedroom. Some minutes later he came with a pair of black jeans and a burgundy shirt.
“What is it with you people and this fetish of dressing me?”
Sean smirked and blinked coyly at me.
“You’re gonna have to explain that some day. And I suspect we take pity. For you clothes are just to keep warm or decent. Um, scratch that. Covered. The rest of the world uses them as accessories for their bodies. You need something more catchy than your non-existent taste for this.”
“This?”
Uh-oh. Was it to late to go to work? Shit. Five PM. Friday. When did it get to be Friday?
“Why sure, bro. You have a man to get back. This.”
“You’re gayer than a lingerie commercial.”
He fluttered his eyelashes and made a disturbing waving sign with his hand. Some society gesture I recall having seen before on our mom.
“Why, thank you. I try.”
“I need therapy.”
“I could not recommend you my shrink.”
“Bitch.”
I tried to hide my smile because he really didn’t need any encouragement. He deposited the clothes on a chair and sat in front of me with a serious expression.
“I’m not joking though. If you mope like this, then you must care some about the guy. And he didn’t really sound guilty of cheating on you. It’s still your choice if you go after him. Wait too much and you won’t have a choice, he’ll be long gone. Only you know if he’s worth it.”
“Fuck, Sean. Why don’t you also stuff me in the cab?!”
“Worth it that much?”
He seemed curios and not sarcastic and I gave his question a moment of thought. Was Bain worth it the risk of leaving myself bare and vulnerable in front of him? Because I would have to do that, and that’s precisely what I had wanted to avoid until now. He… Fuck it. I should be capable of being honest at least with myself.
“Yes. Yes, he is. He… Did I tell you he took me in the park last week? We went skating.”
“You have two left feet, you’re a menace on ice.”
“Yeah.”
I smiled with a probably nauseating dreamy look.
“He’s good though. You wouldn’t expect it with his size and all. Held my hand all the time. Almost cracked the ice when I pulled him down with me.”
“Wow, that I would pay to see. I imagine it’s like the collapsing of a sequoia in the forest.”
“Yeah, pretty much. He laughed and pulled us up for another spin. Then I told one guy that his coat had a color similar to puke and we had to cut it short.”
“Still a big mouth.”
“Runs in the family.”
Sean took the untouched food and I was still having that stupid grin plastered on my face.
“You look happy when you talk about him. You… Ty.”
He stopped fusing with the food and turned.
“I know you haven’t been involved with anyone. I worried, frankly. Don’t. Let me.”
I closed my mouth and let him have his piece.
“I had a lot of so-called relationships and I’ve never talked about anyone the way you talk about Bain. I should warn you to be careful but I suspect it’s too late already. You more than care about him, don’t you? You don’t have to answer that, it’s not really my business. I…Huh, this big bro role is tough.”
“Big bro, my ass.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was talking about.”
He smirked and then frowned at me.
“I can’t have a serious moment with you! As I was saying. If you feel that maybe all this is because you don’t have experience, and it’s the rush of first time or whatever, you’re wrong. Nobody has experience in love, because each person we love is different.”
“Love?! Sean…”
“Love, Ty. Maybe not yet, but that’s where you’re headed. And I’m glad for you. Just don’t screw it up. Well, screw it up worse. I know you, and you’re a stubborn son-of-a- bitch. You keep all things important close to your heart and you are tight-lipped when you have to talk about feelings and problems. That doesn’t work in relationships.”
He pulled a deep breath and showed his teeth in a parody of a smile that bellied the abnormality of seeing a serious Sean. Not that we weren’t both still feeling on shaky ground.
“Now, since you’re not hungry, get dressed and get moving.”
Bain wasn’t at home. I considered the chance that he was, but sulking inside and refusing to answer but I couldn’t see him doing that. He was the confronting the problems type. I predicted a lot of arguing on that point, since my favorite pastime was hiding my head in the sand.
I was undecided. Should I stay and wait for him to come home or just come another time. After calling to see if he would talk to me. This time I had avoided giving him an out. Going home though… Sean was home. I’ll be dead in less than five minutes.
“Oh, hello there young man.”
A sweet looking biker grandma stopped in front of a door down the hall. I couldn’t help notice that although she seemed to be a hundred, she was wearing red leather boots.
“I know you. You’re Bain’s boyfriend, T something.”
“Tyler.”
“That’s it. Such a polite young man, Bain. And tall.”
“That he is.”
I had the image of Bain hovering beside this five foot five grandma, carrying her groceries or something. That would be totally his style. All growl on the outside and mushy on the inside. Fuck, you would think I exhausted my tear’s quota for a year. It was just so frustrating to get all pumped up and anxious to see him and talk to him to end up not finding him home. Maybe it was that time of the month since it seemed I was transforming into a very hormonal abnormal entity. I was starting to wonder what I would say to him. Because I had no idea what would came out of my mouth once I found him.
Problem solved. ”Did not find him” excuse denied. My inner bitch had Sean’s voice.
“Okay, missus…”
“I’m Kala. No miss for me, cutie. Go get him, he seemed a bit down in the water for the last couple of days.”
I had the biker grandma wink at me and I think that was a lascivious smile. I hoped I had imagined it. Bain was moping? That had the potential to be a good thing for me. Now, if I only remembered where his sister lived. I was taking a walk with him when he had showed me her house. Today I had wheels. Sean had sacrificed his pride and joy for “the cause”.
And I do mean it when I say “sacrificed”.
What? It wasn’t my fault! It was scratch the shinny toy on that fence or hit the suicidal poodle. The poodle had looked more menacing.
Chapter Twelve
“Hey.”
“Um...Hello?”
“Don’t stand there like a moron and let him in.”
The woman, probably Bain’s sister since they had the same dark hair and glittering blue eyes, popped one on the back of Bain’s head and pulled me in. I would have snickered if my stomach wasn’t doing acrobatic jumps.
He was just standing there, staring, not even blinking at me and I was getting beyond nervous.
“I shouldn’t have come. I mean… it’s your family dinner and all. I…I’ll call tomorrow.”
Chicken. But my body was in full panic attack and I turned to run out. The door slammed shut with an ominous loud slam.
“Nonsense. We have room for one more plate. And I was just talking to Bain about inviting you to dinner next week.”
“You were?”
Bain’s sister knew about me? I was invited at a family dinner? Jesus, I remembered Bain mentioning something once but talk about struck by lightning situations.
“Sure, honey. Bain, get him in before he runs for the hills.”
I turned a tomato shade of red and took my coat down. His sister was blocking the way to the door and just smiled sweetly at me. I felt like prey. Then she frowned sharply at Bain and I decided I rather preferred to be smiled at.
“You two go in the living room and catch up”- the look directed at Bain could melt concrete- “and I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”
We found ourselves seated on the couch before we knew what happened. Now that I was in front of him, my head was blank and I didn’t know what to say. I just knew…
“I missed you.”
His eyes went wide and in a quick move he pulled me towards him. I quickly ended in his lap with his arms tight around me. He was still silent but my new position was reassuring me more than any words could. Maybe I could do this sharing thing.
“I don’t like to fight with you.”
“Scared?”
His hesitant voice was the best thing I’ve heard during the last week. And that worry in it… I patted absently on his hard pecs.
“Never scared of you, Bain. Not even when you yell and throw flames. I just don’t like to know you are mad at me. I don’t like to know you are upset.”
“Fuck, Tyler. You’re killing me here.”
I could feel him tense under my hand and marveled at how quick I affected him. And just with a touch and some words.
“I mean it, you know. Just promise me something?”
He just nodded and inhaled deeply in my neck, like he was filling his lungs with me.
“Don’t walk out on me again. No matter what.”
“Ty… I… I don’t want you to be scared of me. It would just about kill me.”
Fuck that. I pulled his head from my neck and framed his face in my hands. He still looked tired.
“Don’t. You don’t scare me when you’re mad. You don’t scare me when you growl, frown or try to intimidate. Yeah, you do that, sometimes without even noticing. But, Bain…”
Jesus, this shit was hard to spell.
“You scared me when you walked out. I… I thought that was it.”
I turned my head in his chest, hiding the pain. I may have made a first step but I wasn’t ready for full heart-to- heart discussions and presenting myself that naked out there.
He understood and his arms tightened again around me, keeping me safe. He gently kissed the top of my head and then rested his check against my hair.
“Okay, baby. You got it. I didn’t know you’ll think that. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to feel sorry for. I…”
“Shh, honey. Let me say this.”
I closed my mouth and followed his example of smelling him in. He always had a calming effect on me. His smell was dark and musky, all man and power and I had the distracting thought that I could get high on it. High on Bain. Chuckling when he was obviously preparing to sprout some serious stuff wasn’t quite appropriate so I managed to hold it.
I just felt…giddy.
“Before I got hired as a guard at the university, which was all an undercover gig , by the way- I was involved with a colleague of mine, Brian. I was fresh out of the army, hired in the force. Exploring, you know. Uh, I guess you don’t really know.
I landed a fist on his kidneys without moving from my comfy position at the gibe and he hoofed. The thing about me lacking his experience and talking about past flames annoyed the crap out of me for some reason.
“I like it that you didn’t play the field, honey. It gets me hot to know that nobody else beside me ever touched you.”
That it did. I squirmed on his lap, hiding my own rising excitement. It’s like my body was waiting for the making up part of fighting.
“Anyway, I was with Brian for almost a year. He cheated, honey. Did exactly what you thought, using his job as an excuse to sleep around with informers, sometimes with coworkers. That’s why I lost it when you asked me.”
Well, fuck. That explained some things.
“I didn’t know…Bain, I don’t think you...”
“Shh. I’m not done.”
He breathed deeply and I realized that this was him, again putting himself out there for me to see everything that made him tick. Naked for my eyes. This wasn’t one- sided, I could do this. I needed to try harder to meet him halfway.
“You were right to ask me, and I’m glad you did. I was mad, but I was madder at myself. You had reasons to think that way. Because I made you think that way and then fooled myself into thinking everything was peachy. From the start I made a mess out of things. I am supposed to be the more experienced one, but honey, you show me every step of the way just how much I have to learn. You are unsure of anything, you come to me and ask. Even if it may make me angry. Wow, that’s a load off my chest. I looked everywhere for you this week. You weren’t at the university, some acne boy held your classes…
“Took some days. Drank some beer…”
My mumbled explanations made him shake with laughter.
“You and beer? Jesus, I’m so sorry honey.”
Funny. Beer was good. I had acquired a new taste for beer. Beer was my friend.
“My fault. Should have bodily blocked the door. Or hunted you down sooner.”
“If you hadn’t come now, I would have tonight.”
I turned hopeful eyes on him.
“Can’t we still do that? I’ll grab my coat and sneak out and you can come to my house after dinner?”
He was shaking his head before I finished the sentence. I t helped that he looked as disappointed as I was. But not much. Those butterflies I had when I was close to him we’re playing cha-cha in my stomach. Dinner with the family. Oh, boy.
“Annie would personally herd you to the table before you even think about making a step towards that door. Believe me, she’s a bloodhound. Comes with the territory, I guess.”
“Huh?”
He looked a bit sheepish and it made me afraid of hearing his explanation. Bain was a man of very few words, talking usually only when asked a di
rect question. It didn’t come as a surprise I didn’t knew much about his life or family. I had avoided asking because I didn’t like to return the favor of answering. No more.
“Family of cops. She just got promoted as a captain. One of the youngest there are, at only thirty-two. She met Dave, her husband, on the job. And then, there’s my father who retires from the feds every week and we are really lucky with my mom, who is a shrink. Keeps us sane. Ready to run yet?
Oh. Goodie. Dinner with his family would be just like at an interrogation. With counseling provided.
“Do I need a lawyer?”
“Only if you want to feed them. Lawyers are a taboo subject in this house.”
I was laughing like mad and he was smiling delighted down at me.
“Better.”
“Uh-huh. You know, it just occurred to me that you’re gonna be an accountant, yes? You’ll have the whole force checking to see if you’re a clean one. I predict accountants are next to lawyers in the food chain around here.”
His grimace told me all I needed to know and right that moment a chirpy voice from right beside us made us jump.
“Dinner’s ready!”
When we entered, all eyes were instantly set on us. I was beginning to think that blushing was my life’s cross to bear.
Next to his sister Annie, there was a good looking man , quite tall at maybe 6 foot something, blonde hair and brown eyes. He had the only smile in the room that I wasn’t afraid of. His attention was mostly on a sweet looking angel on his left and was trying to discreetly scrub her face clean of chocolate. On the other side of the table -next to the empty chairs- ( damnit- maybe being grounded for most of my childhood to eat in my room was actually a bless in disguise), an older man was frowning with all his might. I almost smiled in response, he reminded me that much of Bain. That must be how Bain would look like in another thirty something years. Tall as a tree, silver hair contrasting with impossibly blue eyes, body still looking as the cover of a body-building magazine. And maybe I was staring too much. Next to him, the petite woman was almost invisible in his shadow. She still had a hint of brown hair in her silver and was seemingly the image of a proper lady. And was probably profiling me already.