Chapter 12
Entry 6941
Can’t talk long. Gotta shower before work. Woke up late again. Another restless night. I got another letter yesterday—that makes three this week. Every moment of every day he’s there, in the innards of my mind, luring me to discover him. Relentless. Do you think it’s coincidence that it points to Marc? The day I first met Marc the letters started. His note shared the same handsome penmanship. Coincidence, or a figment of my desire? I really want the letters to be from him. I think I’d actually be disappointed if they weren’t. How amazing it would be to know that he knows me so deeply, so purely. Yet it’s also a bit scary. Is it possible for anyone to know another so well? I think back to all of the secrets we keep, and it’s frightening to imagine another with the capability of searching the catalog of our minds, accessing all those moments we hoped to take with us to the grave. Even Dad didn’t know Mom’s secrets. She took them with her to his grave. But she couldn’t tell him. It’s not something a husband wants to find out before he dies. Though I wonder if knowing would have changed anything.
After sleeping through her alarm, Haley had gotten off to a bad start Friday morning. She managed to speed-shower, speed-dress, and speed-eat a pop tart on her way out the door without realizing she wore two unmatched socks. It wasn’t until she stepped into the car when her pant legs rose up enough to show mismatched socks, but there was no time to change. She had three minutes to clock in at work with five minutes’ worth of town traffic and stop signs to get through.
Late for work for the second time that week, Haley dodged every possible red light on her way to the office. She had timed the lights perfectly from years of making this drive. When she did finally pull into the law firm’s eight-car parking lot, she recognized the car of her best friend and anticipated a juicy morning gossip session. She couldn’t wait to spread the news.
Without makeup and with her hair still wet, Haley made a pit stop to the bathroom to avoid frightening her co-workers with her ghostly appearance. Once presentable, Haley walked the short corridor to where two other legal secretaries sat typing away, the click-click-clicking the only sound in the hushed office.
After grabbing a cup of black, slightly burned coffee from the lunchroom, Haley stopped to chat with her cubicle mate Shelly. She debated getting right to the details, then decided to play coy.
“Hey, Shelly. TGIF, right?” From the cubicle entrance Haley greeted the adjacent secretary who, four years ago, took Haley under her wing at the firm. Shelly had been like a mother figure to all the new employees—a very young and very hip mother—since she had been there since the firm first opened. Though Shelly’s slight smile creases showed she was nearing her late thirties, the woman dressed trendier than some teens, and her curvy figure pulled it off well, too.
“Yeah. Though I have a feeling it’s going to be a slow day. Practically no one’s in today. I already went through the paperwork for all our cases and it looks like we’re all caught up.” Shelly’s ring-adorned hand beckoned Haley closer. “So what’s been going on with you, birthday girl?”
“Hey—hold off on that birthday talk. Not until tomorrow. Let me bask in my youth while I still have it.” Haley chided with a laugh.
“Got any romantic plans for the big day?”
“Not unless you count dinner and a movie with my mom romantic. Blah.”
“I admit I’m a little surprised. By the way you’ve been smiling, I would have thought you’d had a lover on the side.”
“No, not yet.” Haley tossed an embarrassed sideways glance, a total giveaway and Haley knew it.
“Suuuure. You’ve been awfully chipper the past few days. What’s going on?” Lids overdone with silver eye-shadow batted thick lashes as Haley watched Shelly’s eyes examine her a little further. Haley took a step back before the impending interrogation would begin. “Wait a second.” Shelly beat her to it.
“I better get back to my desk,” Haley instantly rebutted, which only egged Shelly on.
“I think I know what’s going on. You meet a guy or something?”
Haley’s jaw dropped. How did Shelly know? Was it that obvious? Feeling her cheeks and neck blush, Haley knew there was no escaping the questions. Like a shark, Shelly never gave up her prey, especially when it came to gossip.
“Well, since you mention it, yes. I did happen to meet someone a couple weeks ago, but it’s nothing really.”
Shelly’s eyes opened wide as she scooted her rolling chair closer to where Haley stood. “Whatever! Tell me all the details!”
“Not much to tell, I’m afraid. He helped me with my computer twice now and left me a note that gave the impression that he liked me. I mean, it was a really sweet note.” She thought better of mentioning the other letters. They’d remain her little secret.
“What? How could you not tell me this until now?”
“I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.”
“Hello? This is a big deal! You have an admirer and never even mentioned it to me,” Shelly scolded, then quickly added with a wide smile, “What’s he like?”
“Absolutely gorgeous, to start with,” Haley preened. “And his eyes! They’d make a girl melt! Plus he’s got the most charming personality—funny, sweet, smart. He’s seriously perfect.”
“Sounds like it. So are you going to see him again?”
If Haley had a nickel for every time she thought that very same question…
“That’s the thing. We didn’t formally exchange numbers, so I don’t know what the next step is. I mean, I know his work number, but I hate to call him. I’ll feel… I dunno, weird. Do you think I should call him?”
“Hmm.” Shelly released a contemplative sigh. “I’m not really one for the girls making the move, so I’d say no. He knows where you live, right?”
“Yeah, but I don’t think I really acted like I liked him. I mean, it was all so quick and we were flirting one second and then he was done fixing my computer, and the next thing I know he’s gone and I found the note at my desk later that night. I just… I think I may have let him leave thinking I wasn’t really interested. So I kind of want to call him to fix any wrong signals I may have accidentally sent.”
“Haley!” The tone accompanying that single word held the reprimand of a hundred words.
“I know, I know. Please, I’m already mad enough at myself for possibly screwing this up. Needless to say, I doubt if he’d ever come by again after that.”
“Then I guess you’ll have to find a way to let him know you reciprocate the interest… without pursuing, of course.”
“Got any ideas, Doctor Phil?” Haley asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Get creative. You’ll think of something.”
Haley doubted that she would. Guys weren’t her strength. On the other hand, she didn’t want to let too much time pass, lest Marc forget about their entire encounter. Haley remembered something about a week or two-week response time in the “common sense dating rulebook,” but she tossed it aside as yet another aspect of men that she never quite understood. The only thing she did know was that she was crazy about Marc and wanted him to know it… without coming across as crazy, of course. Something subtle, something cute, and something that would tell him “I like you” without saying “I’m desperate.”
The rest of the day dragged on. With her boss out of the office on an early weekend, there were only two incoming phone calls—one being a wrong number and the other confirming her lunch order—and there was barely enough paperwork to keep her busy for more than three hours.
So, sometime after lunch but before her afternoon break, Haley rummaged around looking for something productive to fill up the rest of the day, but came up empty-handed after catching up with all of the filing, callbacks, and dictation transcriptions.
Four hours left until it was time to clock out… how could she use up the time?
Then it struck her. There was something she could do…
Grabbing her yellow legal pad
, she tapped her pen in thought, then began to scribble something:
Dear Marc,
That was as far as she got for the first twenty minutes. It hadn’t been so difficult when she was writing to a faceless stranger. Now that he had an identity—and a handsome identity—it felt so thorny scripting the perfect letter.
A dance between confession and restraint.
After nearly three hours of draft after draft, Haley found a happy medium that she could live with. Yes, it was perfect, saying all the words that she was too shy to say in person, but not saying too much. Oh, how much more confident she felt on the other end of a pen.
All that she needed now was the courage to mail it.
Chapter 13
Apparently Gabrielle had found the missing letter.
Then read it.
Then left Haley four messages before Haley got home from work. The first one wished her happy birthday. The second reiterated their plans for dinner. The third one talked about the movies showing. And the fourth one just rambled. Though Gabrielle hadn’t specifically mentioned the letter, it was all over her voice that it was bothering her. judging by the motherly over-protective warning tone checking up on her. Haley recognized it well.
Haley couldn’t avoid her any longer. And Haley didn’t want this conversation hanging over her all weekend either.
“Hello?” Gabrielle answered on the first ring.
“Mom, I got your messages.”
“It’s about time you called me back.”
“Sorry, been busy. So… what’s going on?”
“I just wanted to make sure we’re on for your birthday dinner tonight. That’s all.”
“Would you stop lying to me? I know you didn’t just call four times about my birthday dinner. So what is it? Just tell me.”
Silence. Uncomfortable silence.
Then finally, “Haley, honey, we need to talk. In person. This isn’t a conversation for the telephone. Can you come over now and we can talk in the car on the way to Erie?”
And it just kept getting better.
“I’m guessing you read the letter,” Haley said.
“You know about that?” Gabrielle didn’t know about a lot of Haley’s secrets.
“Yes, I know. So did you read it?” Confession time.
“Yes, I did.”
“So you invaded my privacy and now you want me to come over there so you can lecture me about it and ruin my birthday?”
“Well, no. Yes—” Gabrielle fumbled for the right answer, but there was none. “That’s not what I’m trying to do, honey.”
“Then why are you making a big deal about this?”
“Haley, this is a big deal! I know I promised to butt out, but after everything that you’ve been through, don’t you think it’s time you opened your eyes to what this is really about?”
There was no way Haley was going to dare subject herself to hours of her mother’s doomsday warnings. “And what’s it about, Mom? Go ahead and tell me.”
“It’s about you. And your need to feel fulfilled. But this isn’t the way to do it, honey.”
“Isn’t that what life is all about? Fulfillment? Love? Relationships?”
“Real relationships, Haley, not like this. And of course I want you to be fulfilled and happy, but this isn’t fulfillment. It’s a temporary holding cell for your heart.”
“What do you know about my heart, or what my heart needs? Look, I’m not going over there so that you can try to talk me out of finding love—even if the way I’m going about it is a little… unconventional.” Unconventional. Now there was the word of the day. Even Haley knew it was a simplification of the truth as she said it, but it didn’t matter. Sometimes unconventional was exactly what a girl like Haley needed. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal in the first place.”
“Because, with your past, Haley…”
And there it was. Gabrielle whipped out the “painful past” card. Her default whenever Haley didn’t conform to her wishes.
“I can’t believe you are going there! If you want to talk, Mom, talk about today, not yesterday.” Forget the whole honor thy mother thing. She had to put her foot down if she was going to prevent this conversation from getting out of hand.
“Need I remind you of what happened?” There was that apocalyptic voice again.
“What—are you referring to Jake?” Jake, meaning Haley’s childhood friend. A friend who had been there for her through most of her dad’s treatment until… Jake was gone. “From, like, a million years ago?”
“Yes, that, and… well, you.”
Haley felt the accusation in that one word: you. It stung, spreading its toxic venom, poisoning her body with the memory all over again. As if it was Haley’s fault what happened with Jake. As if she personally forced him to tie the rope around his neck, tighten the knot, then hang himself from a beam in his attic.
“Mom, how can you blame me for that? I was a kid.”
“I’m not blaming you, honey, but we both know that there were a lot of surrounding issues with that situation and I don’t want to see you go through that again. I think you’ve been through enough, don’t you?”
Ain’t that the truth. First Jake’s suicide, then her dad’s death—all in the same year. Right around her birthday. That’s what it was all about. Her stupid birthday, the anniversary of her father’s death. It wasn’t a simple request to stay away from strangers who left anonymous letters in her mailbox. It was a request to stop living. To stop being. To stop having birthdays and memories and emotions.
No, that wasn’t a fair request.
Haley had spent too much of her life not living. Finally she had a chance at her fairy tale ending, the one they make romance movies about, and her mother wanted to strip it away using a streak of bad luck from the distant past as her rationale.
“Mom, Jake committed suicide. I had nothing to do with it. I’ve moved on with my life, and I’m not going to live in the shadow of what happened anymore. It’s time to let go.”
“Can you really let go, Haley?”
Yes. No. Maybe.
“It’s different now. I’m different. I don’t want to talk about this again. End of story.”
But it wasn’t the end of the story, really. Gabrielle knew it. And Haley knew it too. Secrets were meant to be revealed.
Chapter 14
If Friday was any indication of how hectic Marc’s weekend would be, he would have rather skipped straight ahead to Monday. His day had been a blur of house calls, playing catch-up on client billing, and running errands long overdue.
Marc opened a can of chicken noodle soup and made an extra buttery grilled cheese sandwich, musing over something, or someone, who secured more than her fair share of his thoughts. He couldn’t get her out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried. It had been long enough. He either had to make a move or move on.
Marc had given himself enough time to think everything over—the pros and cons of getting back into the dating arena. Like Roman gladiator Maximus Decimus Meridius battling Commodus, Marc had battled the fear of losing his freedom. But unfortunately he was no Russell Crowe; eventually he’d have to remove the mask, drop the sword, and trust his future to fate. If she was brought into his life for a reason, who was Marc to get in the way of that bigger plan? But was there even a bigger plan? That was the big question mark. How did anyone ever know what the future held? Were things just supposed to fall into place, or was he supposed to do something? Perhaps because they chanced into each others’ lives it was meant to be.
Logic advised him that each man’s future was his own responsibility. If he wanted something to happen, the door would open but it was up to him to walk through. Every last detail wouldn’t be orchestrated to the point of making puppets out of us. So all Marc needed to know was if this was the open door… or if he had forced it open at his own will.
If Marc were to be completely honest with himself, his intensions for wanting to see her were selfish. He wanted
someone to laugh with, take care of, and maybe even build a family with. Marc wanted someone to make him feel not quite so lonely anymore.
As he sat at his dining room table, with a heap of junk shoved to one end, he watched the climax of yet another incomparable sunset through the wall-sized picture window—this time deep blues mingled with yellows, highlighting billowing clouds. He hadn’t stopped thinking about her since he first laid eyes on her. When she called him out of the blue, he had no idea his life would be changed from that moment on. It was quite unexpected, because he had forgotten what it felt like—that swarm of butterflies and nervous chuckles—yet somehow this girl snuck in and administered CPR to his heart.
When he closed his eyes, he relived their last encounter. And though he knew it was silly to jump into the deep end of emotions, he simply couldn’t stop himself. The path of his future collided with designed purpose once their eyes met; he was immediately enamored with their warmth and sparkle. Moreover, what ultimately won him over was her contagiously friendly personality. Her smile, bubbly laugh, her gaze locking in on his… it all burned in his memory. He replayed the image of her impish grin over and over in his head. He knew her inside and out. How, he didn’t quite know. He just did.
While his heart entertained the idea of a relationship, his mind wailed its own warning signal. Since everything he had already endured at the hands of women, there was no vacancy for disappointment or heartache. Not again. The fear of losing the ability to be his own man had kept him a bachelor this long, and he was content with what he had. No women problems meant no drama. He ran his life his way.
Don’t ruin a good thing, he reasoned.
So why do I keep thinking about her? Every time he drove past her house—which was more often than he cared to admit—he was reminded of why he was so infatuated.
The Admirer's Secret Page 7