by Ryan Michele
Riley looked about ready to shit himself. “Please help me,” he pleaded, making me smile for the first time since being in this space again.
Reaching out, he placed the little one in my arms. My heart melted at his wide eyes, dusting of blond hair, and a small little smile that I assumed was gas or something. Or maybe babies knew how to smile. Hell if I knew. The only thing I was certain about in this moment was this baby was innocent, and I was driven to protect him.
“Hey, little man,” I cooed and felt a presence in the room. Paxton was behind me, but I ignored him and went to the other presence—Onyx Blake. “What’s going to happen to the baby?”
“Your brother there said he wanted to keep him, but we have some connections who can take the baby.”
Fear and panic rose as something came over me I couldn’t explain. It was in the little one’s eyes or the way he grabbed my finger with his tiny little hand. He couldn’t go to someone else. He just couldn’t.
My brother looked as if he were going to throw up at any given moment. “Are you keeping him?”
He turned some weird shade of green and rushed off down the hall. I heard him puking in the bathroom which didn’t bode well for this little guy.
“It appears he’s not an option at the moment,” I said as so many emotions overwhelmed me.
Onyx shrugged. “We’ll figure it out.”
Was I really thinking this? Was I about ready to turn my entire life upside down for something so pure and innocent? It would be hard. Probably one of the hardest things ever, but they say nothing good ever comes from easy.
If I let him go, would I always wonder what if? I saw his little head come into this world. Yes, the after part was jacked up, but this little guy needed stability and a home. Something I could provide.
Childcare and work would just have to figure themselves out, because I couldn’t let him go.
“I want him. I’ll keep him.”
Surprise hit Onyx’s face and it felt like a rare moment, like not much surprised the man, which felt good.
“Angel, you don’t have to do this,” Paxton informed me, and I wanted to punch him in the nuts; not for the pain he caused me, but for this baby.
I turned fully to Paxton. “See there’s a difference between you and me, Pax. When I love something, I love it with everything I have. There are no ‘what ifs’ or ‘they’d be better offs’. I work the problems out and come to a solution. Whereas you just throw people out of your life who would inconvenience you. This baby is mine. I’m leaving here with him.”
Paxton’s face cracked and tears welled up in the rims. “You were never an inconvenience, Laurel. I just wanted you to be happy.”
“And funny thing was—the only time I was happy was here with you. Too bad I have other things to worry about now. Bye, Paxton.” I turned and walked out the door, waiting for Riley who took the three of us back to my place.
What in the fuck was I thinking? Keaton screamed at the top of his lungs, and I knew he was hungry, but he wouldn’t take the bottle. The temperature was just right, but for some reason he would not take it.
I swaddled him up, one thing I learned quickly was to search the Internet, and walked around our home bouncing him softly, trying to get him to calm down. He’d only been with me for two days, and Riley, as I suspected, dodged the responsibility at every turn. He was not on my happy list at the moment.
The door knocked. Learning from my mistakes, I looked out the window and saw Paxton standing there. My heart squeezed and pitter pattered roughly. He didn’t hide the fact that he camped out in front of my house, but he’d never made a move to come to the door.
Now, he was here.
“Go away, Paxton,” I yelled over the baby and through the door.
“Open the door, angel.”
“No.” The bouncing was not helping Keaton one bit so I ceased, grabbing the bottle and trying once again. “Come on, baby boy. I know you’re hungry.”
Keaton’s wails turned louder, and my frustration level was rising. What in the hell was I doing wrong? I mixed the bottle just like it said on the back of the package. I put the powder in using the scooper included. Measured the water just right, making sure it wasn’t too hot for when I gave it to him, and I shook it up, mixing the formula. I did it exactly like the other bottles, and he never gave me an issue before.
“Angel, let me help you.”
“No!” I barked back with a whole lot of attitude. “I don’t need help from you!”
Anxiety pulsed like a devil inside me, and my arms began to shake. I was horrible at this mother thing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my abilities would be this horrible, but I couldn’t even feed the poor thing. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I felt this connection that I thought would get me through.
“I’m coming in one way or the other, angel. You know I can.”
He was one more complication I didn’t need, and I walked away from the door. Knobs and locks turned, and Paxton was standing in my house. Little Keaton screamed louder.
“Get out!”
Paxton ignored me and came up, holding his hands out for the baby. “Let me have him. He’s feeding off your frustration.”
“He is not.” Just then Keaton cried so loud I was sure glasses in the kitchen broke.
“Angel, breathe and hand him over.”
Oh hell. I had nothing to lose and when Keaton screamed holy hell, Pax would see he wasn’t some miracle worker. I gave the baby to him.
“Hey, little man.” Paxton looked down in Keaton’s eyes like he had all the keys to the world. “Why won’t you eat? Huh? True, I’d want a boob too, but you get a bottle and you’re going to have to suck it up.”
A chuckle escaped me, and I had to quickly cover it up.
Paxton winked at me and moved over to the bottle. He tipped it over and nothing came out. Without a word, he strolled into the kitchen with a screaming baby attached to him like he did it every day.
Balancing the baby, he opened the nipple and ran it under some very steamy water. After waiting a few moments, he stuck the nipple between his lips and blew. A small something came shooting out of it. Paxton reattached the nipple.
“I know you’re pissed off, but there was something jamming you up. Let’s calm down and then you can eat,” he talked to the baby like he did this every day.
Paxton pulled little Keaton close to his chest and started humming. Yes, humming. Within a few minutes, the cries turned from terror to small whimpers. Paxton grabbed the bottle and stuck it inside Keaton’s mouth who began eating immediately.
I fell onto the couch and put my head in my hands. This motherhood gig was harder than I anticipated, and this was only a little over twenty-four hours.
The sounds of Keaton eating filled the room as tears ran down my face.
“Go lay down and get some sleep. I’ve got him.”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve got this, Paxton. Now that he’s calm, I’ve got him.” I rose and held out my hands for the baby.
“Angel, you’re exhausted, and you can’t take care of this little one if you’re not taking care of yourself. It’ll only be for a few hours. I’m not going anywhere.”
That was hard to believe. Paxton had the worst track record for sticking around, but my body felt it—the fatigue and desperate need for sleep.
“For an hour and then wake me up,” I ordered and got a gorgeous smile that I tried desperately not to let hit me in several places, one being that organ in the body he crushed not too long ago.
“Right. Go lay down, angel.”
“And stop calling me angel. I’m not that anymore.”
“You’re wrong there. You will forever be my angel. You’re my safe place, Laurel. One I never had before, and it scared the shit out of me. Instead of talking I reacted, and I’m so pissed at myself for it. Without you, angel, there is no safe place for me.”
I didn’t answer because everything was lodged in my throat. Therefore, I darted from the roo
m, crawled into bed, and felt the tears roll down my cheeks. At some point, sleep took over.
Waking up, I popped out of bed, the only thing on my mind, Keaton. Entering the living room, Paxton was laying in the recliner with his shirt off, eyes fast asleep with Keaton in just a diaper laying on his stomach asleep as well. Skin on skin therapy. I read about it on the Internet to soothe a baby, but to see it with my own eyes and a baby I felt connected to as my own was powerful.
The scene was beautiful. Yet, unbelievably painful. How many times had I thought about having a family with Paxton? How many times did I dream of our future? Too many to count, but they always ended up being burned to dust.
One thing I had learned was never wake a sleeping baby, let alone two. I smiled to myself at the joke.
Taking a quiet seat on the couch, I stared at the two men in my life. One was so innocent and precious, ready to take on the world. The other had so much devastation as a child, he never was able to break through it. His grandmother loved him with everything she had and when he lost her, he lost himself.
I’d thought being with each other, he was able to find himself once more. We were set to take over the world. Damn, I loved him so much. Still did, and wasn’t that the kicker.
Paxton looked so relaxed with his hand protectively against Keaton’s back. It was as if nothing had happened to him and all he saw was kindness. I wanted to be the one to give him that. Always had.
“You’re thinkin’ pretty hard over there, angel.”
“Quiet, you’ll wake him up,” I whisper yelled.
“One thing to know about babies, the more noise you make the better. I’ll show you how I got him to sleep sometime.”
There wouldn’t be a sometime, Paxton.
“Paxton,” I whispered letting my fears win for a moment. “Is Melanie going to be an issue? Is she going to come back for him?” There I said it.
Paxton shook his head. “I won’t give you details. Just know Dane took care of her and she won’t come back.” His eyes told me I had nothing left to worry about from her, and I would never need to think of her again much less mention her name.
I nodded, finding relief that I wouldn’t have to worry about her coming back for my son.
“I’d have you give him to me, but I don’t want him to wake. So just go back to sleep.” I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. There was no need to. He’d laid so many cards out earlier, but I couldn’t trust a single one of them. Sadly, I wanted to with everything inside of me.
How could we build something from nothing?
30
Paxton
Damn, she looked beautiful, her hair all disheveled from sleep and fire breathing out of her eyes. The little guy moved a tad, then settled again. It didn’t feel the least bit strange having him on top of me sleeping. What killed me was the way Laurel looked at me. It ate at me, and I had to fix it.
“Angel, I’m sorry.”
Her eyes closed, and I swore her heart was beating so rapidly I could see it through her shirt. I broke her. I fucked up, and I would spend every minute for the rest of my life working to fix it.
“I meant what I said. Yes, I fucked up, and I’ll work my ass off the rest of my life to prove to you that I’m the man for you. Whatever it takes, Laurel. I love you with everything inside me. My heart only beats for you.”
Fear slammed down on me, putting myself out there for her. But it was the least I could do for her. She was my sun, earth, and every cell inside my body. There would be no changing of my mind again. My head was finally on straight and the past pushed out, not having a hold on me any longer.
She was mine and I’d always been hers, even when I didn’t know it. Strange how love worked and made you see things so much more clearly. Then knowing someone had taken her, that me staying away didn’t protect her—it was a done deal.
I loved her with everything inside of me, and I’d do my damnedest to show her every day.
“It’s too late, Paxton.” A tear rolled down her cheek and the urge to get up and hold her was fierce, but the little man on my chest had me refraining.
“It’s never too late, angel. You’re my everything in this world.”
“I have a baby now, Paxton. I can’t allow you to come into my life and then just pick up and leave me… us. It’s not how my life is going to be.”
“I completely agree. Marry me.”
She gasped so hard it felt as if she sucked the air out of the room. I didn’t let her talk. “Marry me. Go down to the courthouse with me right now. We’ll be married in an hour.”
“Now you’re talking crazy, Pax.”
“No, angel. I’m dead serious. You, the baby. All of it. I want it. If it takes a small piece of paper to prove how much I love you. I’ll do it right now. No hesitation. No looking back.”
She sat for several minutes, and waiting for her to speak was like watching paint dry.
“We can’t do that, Paxton. You want to prove to me that you’re in it for the long haul, move in here and help me take care of the baby.”
“Done,” I answered immediately without a single breath. Her eyes widened in shock. “I meant it, angel. All in. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. I’m here.”
I pulled out my phone and dialed. She answered on the first ring. “Hi, Ellen Sue. Need you to put together a bag for me with a couple weeks of clothes and toiletries.”
“And where are you going, young man?” she chastised.
“Movin’ in with Laurel.”
She gasped and I could hear the smile in her voice. “Good, son. I’m happy for you.”
The smile across my face couldn’t be hidden. “I’m happy too.”
Flipping the phone off, I tossed it down. “Done.”
Three days and Laurel still had her protective shell around her heart. For me that was, not for Keaton. No, she loved that baby as if he came from her body. She took Family Medical Leave Act, protected time off from work saying her brother was sick. Therefore, it was just the three of us and the occasional Riley who was becoming more scarce as the minutes ticked on. Fine by me. I liked being home with these two and watching them interact together.
When he ate, he was a happy baby, all smiles and funny little noises. Each one Laurel praised him, and I got a kick out of seeing her joy. She was meant to be a mother. Always knew that because of the way she took care of me.
The smells of pasta filled the kitchen as I pulled the garlic bread out and set it on top of the stove.
“He just went down,” she said, coming into the room. “Man, that smells good.”
“Hope you’re hungry. I made enough for a football team.”
We gathered our plates and moved to the table. She was still apprehensive, and I wished I could break down the barrier between us. We ate slowly with small conversation between us. It shocked me when she pointed me with a question far from the topic.
“You said you want to marry me. I want that, Paxton. I want to be your wife. I want to have a life with you. I want to have a family with you. No more bullshit. No more second guessing. No more together, not together. It’s either you’re all in and we really make a go of it, or you leave and don’t come back into my life.” She paused. “Our life.”
“You want to do it today?”
She shook her head. “No, I want a wedding, Paxton. I won’t be going to a courthouse and getting married there. But it’s more than the wedding, Paxton. I want us to commit our lives to one another. To always, no matter what, never run from the other. Always stay and talk, figuring out how to fix things together. I want the commitment from you, right here and right now. No bullshit. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you are one hundred percent committed to me and Keaton. That no matter what happiness in this life, you’ll be by my side and we’ll fight like hell to get out of it.”
She let out a huge breath like she forgot to breathe the entire time she was talking.
I rose from my chair and kneeled in front of her, grabbi
ng her hand. “I commit my life, my love, and myself to you fully and completely. I will always talk to you if we have problems. I will never run away from you or our son, ever. I will be your rock and safe place until the day I leave this earth.”
Tears rolled down her face, and I pulled her down to the floor and into my arms. Kissing the top of her head, I held her tightly. “Swear to you, angel. I’ll never be a stupid ass motherfucker who walks away ever again. You’re my life. You’re my everything. I don’t want to live this life without you by my side.”
“And Keaton.”
I chuckled. “And Keaton.”
Laurel leaned up and pressed her lips to mine. Fire exploded as I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, never breaking our kisses.
Laying her down on the bed, she pulled away from me briefly. “Swear to you, Paxton. You get up and run after this, I’ll hunt you down and cut your dick off, then your balls, and shove them down your throat. I’m not kidding.”
Chuckling, I climbed on top of her. “We can’t have that, can we?” We locked lips once again and as much as I wanted to go slow, it had been way too long since I’d been inside of her. I needed her like my next breath.
Tearing the clothes from one another, our hands roamed each other’s bodies. I inhaled her nipple, sucking so hard her back came up off the bed and a moan escaped her. Using my other hand, I groped the other one, then switched off.
She squirmed under me, her hand coming down to my cock as I kicked my jeans off. When her hand touched, my cock became hard as granite. Her casual strokes drove me crazy.
“Need inside, angel.”
“Yes!”
There was no preamble. I slammed all the way into her body, her head hitting the headboard with my force. She cried out, but quickly covered it. The baby was in the other room, but he couldn’t wake up right now. That would put a serious damper on the mood.
In and out I thrust into her body, her nails clawing my back as she wrapped her legs around my hips.
“Harder,” she breathed, and I gave it to her. Hard.