Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1)

by Jake Taylor

  Haruka picked it up gently, running a finger over the cover as if it were a treasure made of solid gold. “You… You did this?”

  Isabella laid a hand on her cheek and turned her so that she met her eyes. “Haruka Saito, you mean more to me than I could ever describe in words, but I did my best because, since the day I met you, not a single thought in my mind has been about anything but making you happier. I will never stop regretting having to leave you so quickly, but not once will I regret meeting you in the first place. I hate the pain I’m going to cause you, and I swear I am going to take away as much of it as I can.” She shifted onto her knees and put her hands on either side of her head, making sure she didn’t look away. “We are not done. Do you hear me? I may die, and I don’t know the rules after that, but I’ve never cared for rules and I promise you that the gods themselves are not going to keep me from seeing you again, okay? This book… This book is just to get you through until that happens.”

  Haruka laid her forehead against Isabella’s, closing her eyes and swallowing. “I don’t believe there’s another person like you in any realm in any universe.”

  Isabella smiled. “No, you got the only one.” She slipped onto Haruka’s lap as the monk’s arms encircled her. “Promise me you’ll be strong for me, okay? Promise me you’ll fight. Promise me you won’t just give up.”

  “I’ll try,” Haruka said as she buried her face in her hair. “I promise you I’ll try. But you better be there when I come looking.”

  “Ruki… When have I ever let you down?”

  IXH

  One Week Later

  The morning was grey and overcast, and the mood across the camp was somber. Haruka stood beside a carriage with Freya, watching with sad eyes as Isabella smiled, wiping away Suria’s tears as she stood before her. “Come on now, you’ve only just started. A young girl like you shouldn’t be so focused on the end of anything.”

  Suria sniffed, wiping at her eyes. “I’m going to miss you, though. I feel like we only just met, but I won’t… get to see you again.”

  “Nonsense,” Isabella said firmly, laying her hands on the younger woman’s shoulders. “You just have a long time to wait, that’s all. And when you see me again, you’ll be the one telling the stories. And you better have some good ones or I’ll be very disappointed.”

  Suria smiled. “I will. I’ll become a new legend, and I’ll spread your name as well.”

  Bella laughed softly. “I used to care about that… Now, I’ll be happy as long as you remember it.” She hugged her tightly before looking at Able and moving to him. Able wasn’t crying – he didn’t cry. This caused Bella to smile as she inspected his blank expression. “No tears for our goodbye, huh? You’re a tough one.”

  Able tilted his head. “I could attempt to make my eyes water if you wished.”

  “Oh, no, that’s alright.”

  He nodded, but he held her gaze. “I’m disappointed that I won’t ever get a chance for a rematch when I’m strong enough to be able to beat you.”

  “It’s probably better this way – it would be very sad to beat you after you worked so hard.”

  Able smirked. “Sure.” Isabella laughed and turned away. “Bella.” She paused and looked back, and he glanced down before looking away, obviously irritated. “I’ll miss you,” he forced himself to admit. He jerked in surprise as she hugged him tightly, which seemed to irritate him further, but it didn’t bother her.

  She pulled back and smiled at him. “I’ll miss you too. You look over Suria, ‘kay?” He nodded and she left him to stand before Dalgus and Ophelia. “You two… We never would have made it without your help,” she said. “Thank you for everything you did.”

  Ophelia shrugged, looking away. “It wasn’t troublesome… You deserved it.”

  Dalgus laughed and rubbed the back of his head. “Y’know, we only did what we’d do for any worthy friend.” He lowered his hand and smiled at her. “Honestly… Good luck, Enyo. I’m honored I got the chance to meet you.”

  Isabella smiled at him. “I’m honored to have met a real leader. You’re going to create a lot of good in the world, even if you don’t know it…” She turned away, taking a few steps towards Haruka and Freya before looking back over her shoulder with a slight smile. “Stay.” Dalgus just smirked as she turned away once more, climbing into the carriage with help from Haruka and Freya. They climbed in after her and, as the door closed, she looked out of it at the others and began crying herself as it started moving. No one looked away until the carriage was out of sight.

  IXH

  Two Weeks Later

  Isabella stood before Freya on the deck of the Black Wake, and this time she was unable to keep from crying. Even Freya, for once in her life, wasn’t bothering to prevent the few tears that left her eyes. She didn’t give a damn if anyone thought it odd. Finally it became too much for her and she stepped forward and pulled Isabella into the strongest hug she could, blinking rapidly. “I knew the second I saw you floatin’ on that dead ship that you were gonna cause me trouble.”

  Isabella laughed, closing her eyes and hugging the pirate tightly. “I always heard stories about pirates – I didn’t expect my closest friend to be one.”

  “The saltiest, toughest pirate on th’ seas,” Freya responded.

  Isabella pulled back and smiled at her. “Then why are you crying?”

  Freya ran a sleeve across her eyes. “That’s jus’ what you can do,” she said with a smile. “I ain’t never met a person like you, Isabella, an’ I don’t expect to again. An’ I gotta say, I’m a little relieved at that, ‘cause it ain’t good for my reputation.”

  “Your reputation is different with me,” Isabella said softly. “You’ve been with us since the beginning. You put your life on the line for us more than once, you helped us through everything you could, and you set aside everything to keep us safe. You helped us out of every situation and you gave us a chance to fit in all the happiness we could. Everything we’ve had we owe to you, so while others might fear you, to me, you’ll always be a hero.”

  Freya sniffed and wiped her eyes again. “Damn it, girl, stop doin’ this t’ me! I ain’t built for this,” she said with a laugh. She pulled her into yet another hug. “I’m gonna miss you more than I can say.”

  Isabella returned it with what strength she could muster before stepping back and smiling gently. “So will I. Promise me you’ll look after Haruka for me, okay? She’s going to need you.”

  Freya nodded. “You ain’t gotta worry about that. She’s got a place on my ship, an’ I’ll leave it for ‘er anytime. You just…” She trailed off and looked away.

  Isabella smiled and kissed her cheek. “Goodbye, Freya,” she said before turning away, taking Haruka’s hand as they stepped off of the ship.

  “Goodbye,” Freya responded quietly, keeping her eyes on the deck. She stood there for a long time before finally moving to the edge of the deck, gripping the railing tightly and hanging her head as her tears fell into the ocean below. “Damn it…”

  IXH

  They arrived in Stahl late in the morning, under an overcast sky that threatened rain later in the day. Isabella was walking slowly, but she smiled as they stepped into the borders of the town. “The banners and lights… Ruki, do you remember?”

  Haruka smiled. “It’s the same festival.”

  “It’s exactly one year to the day since we met,” Bella said with a fond look, guiding them through the town. They ended up in a familiar whitewood gazebo that was devoid of people, and Isabella smiled as she leaned on the edge, enjoying the cool air with tired eyes. “Haruka Saito,” she said softly. “I like it. It fits you, Haruka Saito.”

  Haruka smiled, closing her eyes as she leaned on the rail beside her. “Fits?”

  “Sharp, dangerous… A name for a fighter,” Isabella said with a loving look at her. “But it also has a lot of promise.”

  “Promise?”

  “Haru,” Bella said with a nod. “Ruka.” She gave a
soft smile, speaking very softly. “Ruki.” She leaned into her as Haruka slipped an arm around her, sighing. “I love you, Ruki.”

  “I love you too,” Haruka said, kissing her head gently.

  Isabella moved to straighten up, but couldn’t; she tried to take a step and nearly fell, but Haruka’s panicked hands caught her. Isabella felt the world swim and her breath catch as she lost feeling in her body. “Haruka…”

  Haruka lifted her fully. “Bella?” She checked her eyes, but they were closed. She checked her pulse – weak, but still there. With a speed born of fear the monk sprinted through the town and opened a door she’d opened once before.

  The shock of the woman inside was familiar as well, but this time it was soon replaced with greater emotion. “Back room.” Haruka followed her directions and laid her wife down on the first bed they had shared, backing away from it and pacing as Vivian Heart checked over her. After a minute Vivian lowered her head, standing slowly and turning to Haruka. “I’m sorry… It seems like this is it. There’s nothing I can do.”

  IXH

  Haruka stood outside, waiting for Isabella to wake up. She couldn’t stare at her like that; she couldn’t watch her lay there so still and unmoving. Unsurprisingly, the expected rain had begun pouring, soaking the earth around her. She paced back and forth; she clenched and unclenched her hands. Without warning a scream of rage erupted from her throat as she spun and punched a wall, wishing it was something that would make a difference.

  Shouldn’t she have accepted this by now? She’d known this was coming from the beginning, so why wasn’t she any closer to being ready for it? She wanted to push it back a year, a week, a day – anything, any extra time she could get she would take. But there was none.

  She collapsed against the wall, crying, and stayed there until Vivian stepped outside. “She’s awake.” And Haruka stood and went inside, feeling her heart break further with each step.

  When Isabella looked at her as she stepped into the room, she could see that the knight already knew the truth of it. “Ruki…” she said softly, giving a weak smile as she lifted her hand. Haruka approached and grasped it tightly and Bella moved a bit, inviting her to share the bed with her one more time, like they had in this very bed so long ago. Haruka climbed in, doing her best to keep control of her emotions as Isabella looked at her with loving grey eyes. “You’re crying already… That’s not supposed to happen yet.”

  Haruka looked away, unable to stop the tears from falling. “This isn’t… supposed to happen yet, either.”

  Isabella laid a hand on her cheek, guiding her gaze back to her own. “We knew… This was never avoidable… This was always going to be the way it ended.” As Haruka began crying Isabella moved closer, squeezing her hand. “Shh… There’s no need to be so sad. I’d always thought I would die alone… I thought I deserved that. I didn’t think anyone would care when I was gone except to say, ‘I’m glad she’s not here’. I envisioned myself collapsing in the dirt and just… fading away.”

  She lifted Haruka’s hand, kissing it softly and giving her a genuine smile despite the tears in her own eyes. “You changed all of that, Haruka. I haven’t wanted to die since I met you.”

  “I don’t… want you to,” Haruka managed to whisper.

  “Neither do I,” Bella said with the best amused smile she could give. “It’s because of you that I want to keep living. But even though I can’t… Haruka… You’ve made this last year of my life the best one I’ve ever lived. You gave me reason to hope, reason to laugh, reason to love, and reason to live. You’ve been my reason for everything. Because of you my life ends here, in the arms of the person I love more than I ever thought I had the ability to.”

  Isabella ran her fingers through Haruka’s hair. The woman continued to cry but she kept her eyes on Bella, determined not to miss a moment. “Because of you I no longer believe I deserve death. Because of you… someone cares. You’ve made me so happy… This past year has made everything else in my life worth it. All of the pain, all the depression, all the madness, all the tragedy… I’d go through all of it again just for another day with you. I’m so sorry it has to end this way… I’m sorry I have to leave you alone. I know the pain it will bring you and I wish I could take that away.”

  She traced a finger over Haruka’s cheek. “But every day you feel that loneliness… Every day you wake up alone, every day you go to sleep in an empty bed… I want you to remember that you made my life worth it. I want you to remember that, wherever I am, you are forever in my thoughts, and my heart. You are strong, Haruka. I believe you can get through this like everything else you have overcome. I’m so… proud of you. So truly grateful I was lucky enough to spend this time with someone so incredible. And I will always… always love you.”

  Haruka wrapped her arms around her, holding her as tightly as she dared. She wasn’t ashamed as she wept, and Isabella hugged her back with a strength she shouldn’t have. Haruka curled her fingers in her hair, whispering in reply, “I love you… I will never forget you. For the rest of my life you will remain as important to me, the center of my world, as you have always been.” She closed her eyes, shaking.

  Isabella smiled as she pulled back enough to look at her, using her thumb to wipe away her tears before she kissed her. “I want you,” she whispered softly, looking into Haruka’s eyes, “to take my sword. Carry it with you so that… at least a part of me will be able to stay at your side.”

  Haruka swallowed, not daring to blink as she nodded. “I will. Always. I’ll never let you go… I swear it.” Isabella smiled softly and kissed her again, and this time Haruka deepened the kiss before it ended and they stayed there, lying in silence as the final hour passed.

  It went far too quickly. Isabella’s breathing slowed and Haruka moved to look at her. Isabella looked weak now, weaker than Haruka had ever seen her, but there was a strength in her grey eyes that burned as brightly as it ever had and seemed as if it would never fade. “I have to… leave you now, Ruki,” she said quietly, trying to sound light-hearted.

  Haruka placed a hand on her cheek as if she could keep her there. “Just stay a bit longer… Please…”

  Isabella laughed softly, giving her a sad smile. “I wish I could… You have no idea how much… It’s not my choice, though. Even if I was given a thousand years this would still come too soon…” Her eyes closed but she took another breath a few seconds later, forcing them open.

  “I love you,” Haruka said in a voice overcome with emotion.

  The smile on Isabella’s face was genuine. The happiness was visible in her eyes as her hand weakly clasped Haruka’s. “I love you too… Ruki.”

  She managed one more breath, brushing her thumb over Haruka’s hand before her eyes fell closed for the final time. Her fingers gave one last squeeze and then loosened. Haruka watched the last of her life leave her and then, with a shaky hand, pulled her close, burying her face in Isabella’s hair.

  And Haruka cried.

  Epilogue

  “I’m coming to see you now.”

  IXH

  Isabella’s Journal for Haruka Saito, Entry 1: Ruki

  Who is Ruki? Well I like to think that her first and most defining attribute is that she’s my wife. After that she’s a hero, a fighter, a monk, an acrobat, a genius, a gentleman, and damn good in bed. And she’s also the type of person that’s going to blush when she reads that last line, which is half the reason I put it in. The other half is that it’s true, but she already knows that, she was there every time, after all.

  I know I’m rambling, but this journal is a compilation of myself, and rambling is a thing I do, so it’s going to be in here. Another thing I do is complain, so that’s going to be in here, too. And if there is a god of mercy, Haruka Saito, may he help you if you dare get mud on this journal I’ve worked so hard on. I will come back and haunt you. And don’t try to use that to summon me because I won’t be a friendly ghost or anything, I’ll be some kind of evil, awesome spirit like a
poltergeist or something, and I’ll throw things at you. Probably mud. I like irony.

  When you’re reading this… which is now… I guess I won’t be there. That really sucks because I would love to watch and see your reactions as you read this, especially to Entry 42 (don’t flip ahead, you’ll get there when you get there. Just, um, make sure Suria or someone doesn’t get their hands on it and read that entry, okay? And oh my god, if Freya sees it she’ll never let it go. I kinda got a little carried away and… Look, just be alone when you read it, that will make everything easier.) I just realized that my parenthetical statement went on longer than the original sentence, but I never said I was a master of syntax, just of the sword. I tried writing in a journal using a sword, but that just made me have to buy a new journal.

  Ruki… I’m being light-hearted about things now, but I’m scared. I’m really scared, but not for me. I’ll have you there until it’s over, but you won’t have me when it is. I would wish it was the other way around, but you’re stronger than me and you can take it. I can imagine how you’re feeling right now – just thinking about losing you makes my heart clench in fear. But I’m not gone – right now, if anything, I am watching you read this, so please… Smile for me? I know it’s hard, and I know you feel more like crying, but I love your smile and I can’t bear to think of it never appearing again. You have to show it, and let others see it, even if it’s just for me.

  A lot of times I don’t know what to say, so in this journal I’ve just put down everything I’ve ever felt and experienced; when I was a child, before you, and most importantly, with you. I didn’t hold back anything. I have no secrets from you, Haruka, and I have been more open in this book than I have ever been with myself. Every part of my soul is laid bare within these pages, down to the tiniest details that I never let myself admit. Some parts are not going to be easy to read, because I’ve been through a lot of fear and pain and that is reflected within these pages like everything else, but Haruka, you deserve every part of me, and that is what you have. You have me.