The next thing I know, my hands are exploring her naked curves, pulling them close. One of Sweet Lou’s hands clasps the nape of my neck, holding me to her mouth, while the other skates down to the belt buckle of my jeans.
I draw a sharp breath when she grabs the top of the buckle and leads me over to the bed. She pushes me down and focuses on the waist of my pants.
“What’s this?” she asks when her futile attempts to remove it become a distraction.
“A belt buckle.” I sound simple and stupid, but the sight of her propped up between my thighs grappling with my hardware distracts me.
“Gee, thanks.” Sweet Lou’s fingers run over the exotic engraved letters. “What does it say?”
"ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ.” I stroke her hair.
“Ma-lone-la-bay?” She repeats like a curious child doing tongue twisters. “Is that Macedonian?”
“Greek.”
“What does it mean?”
Her question makes me flush. “It means ‘Come and take it’.”
“Really?” She giggles, a sound that makes me think of pink bubble gum. Unrestrained. Undaunted. Unapologetic. “You believe in putting it out there, don’t you? There’s even a welcome sign on it.”
“I’m a fighter,” I explain calmly. “And it is a famous battle cry.”
“Oh…” That final piece of information transforms her giggles into full blown laughter. “I’ll bet it is.” She tumbles on the bed beside me, her arms curled around her stomach.
“Hey.” I’m on top of her in a heartbeat. “Stop laughing.”
“Okay.” Just like that, she stops. She studies my face a moment, and her expression softens. My lips lower onto hers, and we kiss while she’s pinned under me.
It feels good to be up on her like this. Good as in finally. Good as in right. Good as in the Real Deal.
I reach around her back and untie the bow of that slinky nightgown. It’s done its job—now it’s time to get it out of the way. To my delight, the bra and gown are all one piece, and with the bow untied, the whole thing comes off.
“Nice,” I tell her, sliding it down and off her body.
As I straddle her, the belt buckle’s weight causes a gap in my waistband. Louise snakes one hand down and inside, while mine chases after to slow her exploration.
Her fingernails scratch up and down my thigh impatiently, and I cover them when they stroke back up to my waist. Louise stills as she discovers my cup.
“Why…are you still wearing this?” She sounds confused.
“Planned on showering when I got home, so I left it on.”
“Really? That must be uncomfortable. How do we get it off?”
I knew this moment would come and envisioned a quiet night out where I’d explain everything over drinks. Lots of drinks, with our clothes still on. Never in my wildest dreams did the thought of her ambushing me in the bedroom occur to me.
Now dread makes me nauseous.
And then, for some inexplicable reason, Sweet Lou places a gentle kiss just above my navel. How did she know? Those soft lips are a soothing balm and my arms close around her as she blazes a trail of soft kisses up to my throat.
For a moment, I’m caught up in the sheer thrill of wanting and being wanted. The sex kitten’s bold advances leave me confident of her desires, which for an eternal moment, allow mine to flourish without self-censure.
It’s like being eighteen again.
“We need to get you out of these clothes,” Louise whispers.
Eighteen?
“Please,” she begs. “I can’t get this stupid belt off.” Her fingers twist the back of the buckle so she can study the snaps.
I remember eighteen.
“Louise, stop.” I grab her wrists.
My desperation sounds harsh, and under me, Louise stiffens and recoils. Her palms open in a placating gesture.
“Sorry,” she rasps after an awkward, unbroken pause.
My body shudders and I struggle to control my breathing.
“You can let go now.” Her voice soothes me. “I won’t touch you again.”
I release her wrists immediately. She props herself up on her elbows and twists sideways.
“Please get off me.” Her sober words hang like dark cloud over my bed.
I lift my leg off the bed, and Sweet Lou slides under it. She scoots to the headboard and covers her naked front with a pillow, bending her knees to hold it in place.
“Louise… I didn’t mean… I didn’t say that right.” I kneel on the mattress in front of her.
She leans back against the headboard and stares at the ceiling.
“Louise, goddamn it, I’m sorry.”
“Are you a virgin?” she blurts out with exasperation.
I huff in disbelief, then sit back on my heels and stare at her distressed face. “You think I’m…a virgin?”
“It was the only explanation we could come up with for why you never… Well, you know.” She assesses me, her eyes filled with confusion and hurt.
“We?” I repeat, unable to suppress a flash of angry curiosity. “Who’s we?”
“Macy and me,” she confesses. “I told her about us, but never would’ve gotten into so much detail if I knew why this keeps happening.”
“Macy told you that I was a virgin? Where’d she cook that up? Her fucking cousin Mike? It sounds like something that douche would say.”
“Forget where I got the idea.” Louise hits me with her pillow. “It doesn’t matter.” She chokes up and her eyes well with tears.
“Oh goddamn it. Louise, please don’t do that.”
“Oh, shut it,” she cries, hitting my thigh with the pillow again. “All I know is that I’m here in your bed, wearing two hundred dollars’ worth of lingerie, and you won’t let me anywhere near second base.” Her tortured voice breaks. “And you won’t say why. Why?”
If she finds out now, without any warning, it’s game over. Maybe not tonight, but soon. That’s if she doesn’t reject me on the spot. Or we go through with it and it’s awful for her. Either way, I lose.
“Louise, sweetheart, just calm down—”
“If you’re virgin, that’s fine. I can respect that and we can talk about needs and limits, okay?”
“Louise.” I grab her shoulders, and shake them gently until she looks at me. “I am not a virgin.” Fuck, I can’t believe she even thought that.
She responds to the news with a confused expression. “But if it’s not that, then what is it? Tell me something. Tell me anything.”
“There’s nothing wrong,” I lie. “It’s…it’s just been a long week with all the traveling. We haven’t seen each other, and there was something I wanted to tell you tonight. I was preoccupied when you…surprised me. That’s all.”
“You wanted to tell me something?” Her tone shifts to hopeful, while she turns her body toward me. “What is it?”
I hesitate a moment, then reach into the front pocket of my pants. My fingers grasp the familiar worn out leather of my spare keychain. I’ve been carrying it for ten days, hoping like hell she wouldn’t ask or notice the work crew had stopped showing up.
“The new one-bedroom unit is ready.” If I handle this right, it can buy me some time.
“Oh.” Her head jerks back like she’s been struck. “I see.”
“Sorry it took so long.” I place the keychain on the bed between us. Her feet recoil from it as she shifts away.
“Louise… I didn’t mean to upset you.” That’s the fucking truth. “I thought you’d be pleased.”
My awkward attempt to break the silence backfires.
“Did you?” She blinks hard, unable to suppress the tears that stream down her cheeks. “So you raced back here from the gym, without showering or taking your cup off to tell me it’s time to move out?”
Oh fuck.
“Of course not,” I stammer.
“Then why?” She wipes the tears away. “Why didn’t you shower, change, and get takeout on the way home?”
“I don’t know,” I reply after a damning pause.
“Liar!” She takes her pillow and hits me across my arm. “This conversation is over.” Fury replaces sadness, drying up her tears.
“Lou, wait.” Desperation returns to my voice.
“I’m done waiting.” Her heated tone radiates anger. “You don’t… You just don’t want me,” she chokes. “You won’t tell me why. And I can’t stay here while you keep the reason to yourself.” She grabs the keychain from the bed. “I’ll be out tonight.” She scoops her nightie off the floor. “I’ll get the rest of my things when… When you’re not around.”
The determined finality of her words cause me physical pain. I haven’t cried since my fifteenth birthday, when my father called and said that I couldn’t come home.
Couldn’t. Come. Home.
After spending a year here as a friendless, freakish teenager who hardly spoke English. Eternal days incarcerated in high school hell, with evenings and weekends spent working construction for my uncle. The only thing that kept me upright during that twisted march was the belief that I’d go home soon.
Until one day, even that got taken away from me.
Familiar feelings of dread and abandonment wash over me as Louise slides her arms back into her nightie and walks to the bedroom door.
In many ways, I’ve never recovered.
I leap off the bed and block her exit.
“Louise. Wait.”
When she shakes her head, I fall to my knees and wrap my arms around her thighs. “Don’t go.” I press my face against her stomach. “Please.”
17
“Damn you, Usalv.” I cradle his head as it presses against my stomach.
I curse at him, but on the inside, it’s directed at both of us. My pathetic inability to set limits with him both frustrates and frightens me.
“I’ll tell you the truth.” His cobalt eyes plead up at me. “I promise.”
“You’d better,” I insist. “Lies and omissions are deal breakers for me. Seriously.”
“Fair enough.” He stands without releasing me. “But if you want to hear it, you have to hear it all.”
Usalv takes my arm and settles me back on the bed. Then he backs away and paces in long slow circles around the bedroom, pulling the curls at his nape hard enough to straighten them.
The entire room stills. I don’t think either of us is breathing. His expression is a mix of determination, patience, and fear. I give him an encouraging smile, while silently bracing for what’s to come.
He sighs. “You know what I do for a living.”
“Of course.”
“And that I’m very good at it.” He strikes a calm tone, but his eyes do not meet mine and his fingernails dig into the nape of his neck. “One of the reasons I’m so good is that I’m unusually large and strong.”
“I know all this.” My stomach churns. “Please just tell me.”
“Louise.” He waits until my eyes meet his, forcing me to focus on his words. “I’m that way everywhere.”
The word settles like cement and a hard, heavy atmosphere takes over the room.
“Everywhere…you mean?” My eyes drop below his waist.
His arms cross in front of his chest. “Yeah.”
“Oh.” My throat is dry and scratchy. “Well, some people consider that a desirable quality.” I hadn’t known what was coming, but this wasn’t on the short list.
“Maybe.” His frustration comes through, clear as a bell. “If you’re a porn star. Or don’t mind being a box to check on some nameless woman’s sexual bucket list. But for a long-term monogamous relationship? That’s a whole different ballgame, sweetheart.”
His lonely tone makes my heart lurch, and I gesture for him to come sit beside me. He settles on the bedside, his back against my leg, with an elbow resting on his knee.
“Large, strong, healthy men have sex all the time.” My voice epitomizes practiced calm. “Evolution favors it. It’s the way we’re all wired.”
He gives a long deep sigh. “Women I’ve had sex with complain about the pain. Others change their minds when they see me.” He pauses again. “I don’t want any of those things to happen with you.”
“Hold on a second. You’re worried about me rejecting you?” I huff in disbelief.
“Hell yeah,” he confesses. “I’m a lot to take on. Both in and out of bed.”
His anguish wears a raw spot into my soul. “That won’t happen.” I promise. “Stop worrying.”
“Louise, I ruptured a woman’s cervix.” The words rush out of him before his eyes shut in a tense crinkled line.
Surprise washes over me like a tsunami. The muscles in my face contract and release as my clinician mask fixes itself onto my features. “Are you sure? That’s pretty hard to do.”
He winces. “I’m sure.”
“That must have been traumatic.” I strive to be honest and sympathetic.
“Traumatic?” He snorts in disgust. “I hurt a girl I liked a lot. She never spoke to me again. And I couldn’t blame her at all.”
“I know it’s none of my business”—I run a tentative hand over his shoulder—“but you can tell me what happened, if you want to. I’ve been a nurse for a while now. It takes a lot to shock me.” I give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
“I’ve never talked about it with anyone.” He studies my face a moment, undecided. “Except the ER doc.”
“That’s okay.” I give him a patient nod.
“There’s not much to tell.” His large body turns toward me. “It was senior year in high school. She was my first, first…”
“Your first sexual partner?” I finish for him.
“Yes.” He blows out a breath. “I filled out a lot that year. It happened so fast, I really hadn’t developed a good sense of my strength or size.”
“It does take some time. Especially at that age.”
He nods. “Well, that’s all there is to it. We were having sex, she started moaning and it turned me on. I pushed too hard, and we ended up in the ER.” He stares off, engrossed in the memory. “After the ER doc explained what happened to her parents, we never saw each other outside of school again.”
Wow.
The shock. The guilt. The mortification of her parents finding out what had happened. It must have been horrendous. I run my hand down the smooth planes of his back.
“That was a long time ago, Usalv. You were an inexperienced kid. You’re not anymore.”
“I’m still strong, and still huge.” His voice is bitter. “That hasn’t changed.”
“You have changed since school. Hell, we all have. Maybe…it isn’t as bad as you think.”
“It’s bad enough,” he insists.
“Let me the judge of that.” I pause. “Show me.”
He gives me a startled look. “What?”
My heart skips a beat. “I’ll have to see you some time, right?”
“Right.”
He stands up alongside the bed, facing away from me. I hear the pop of his belt buckle and rustle of fabric. His jeans slide down first, then his compression shorts. He steps out of the discarded clothing pile, completely naked. My eyes meet his and I give him a patient nod, before he turns to face me.
Oh. My. God.
I draw a shocked uncontrolled breath and he winces.
“You good, Louise?”
I hear the question but don’t answer right away. Because I can’t.
His warrior body is not the least diminished by the low evening light. My eyes skate down the front of his abdomen, fixating on the hollowed-out bones of his pelvis. The planes and proportions are as close to real life perfection as anyone could imagine.
His weight shifts from side to side as my gaze descends. Forcing my expression to be impassive, I take in that final part of him.
“Louise?” He sounds nervous. “Say something.”
“Do you get any bigger?” I wonder aloud.
“Bigger?” He repeats. “Are you serious?”
“Oh. I mean, some men get larger when they…”
“I get it.” He relaxes. “Not me. Not much anyway.”
“That’s a relief.” I blurt out before checking myself.
Usalv buries his forehead in his large palm and shakes his head.
“Wait. Listen.” I tell him. “It’s okay. Nothing I didn’t expect.” My calmness impresses even me.
He stares at me in disbelief. “Now I know you’re lying.”
“No, I’m not. Every part of you is physically extraordinary.” I explain in a matter of fact tone. “Why should this be any different?”
“So you’re okay with this?” The base of his throat begins to pulse, pulling my gaze away from his groin. “With me?”
“Of course.” My legs unravel and I stand next to him beside the bed, kissing the side of his shoulder.
“Sweet Christ.” He studies me with cobalt eyes, and his expression of hesitation transforms into one of heated desire. “You’re all I’ve thought about for ages.”
I slide my arms out of my nightie and it drops to the floor with a silky swish. Usalv watches me, unmoving. When I smile, his hands encircle my waist and pull me toward him.
His fingers slide underneath the elastic bands of my thong, then wraps his huge hands around my hips, and pulls me down toward him.
“It’s the same for me.” I straddle him on the bed, our faces close together. “I want us to try.” My lips touch his, exploring their smooth wet texture. “I need you, too.”
He meets my eyes and gives me a wordless shake of his head. Then his mouth descends on my left nipple, while his rough fingers twist my right one.
“Aahh.” My nipple tightens into an insatiable mass of nerves. “Aa-ah!” Our hips collide, the only thing separating their scorched flesh is my filmy lace thong as I grind against him in aroused response.
In a reminder of his speed and strength, he flips me onto the bed, my head close to the footboard, and positions himself between my legs.
“Come here.” Usalv pulls my legs straight into the air, and with one powerful hand, rips the skimpy thong down their length. The elastic catches on my feet before he tosses the lace garment over his shoulder. Then his hands meet at my ankles, parting them before they slide up toward my inner thighs.
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