I’m right. It’s about the wedding. Groan.
‘Rob and I are getting married and everything’s going ahead. It’s just —’ Mum stops.
Rob puts his hand over Mum’s. ‘The wedding will be later. Not next month. Just a bit later.’
I don’t understand and look at Nanna and then Samantha.
‘But my peach dress. Anna’s peach dress. We have our dresses.’
‘You will wear them, darling.’ Mum walks over to Samantha and sits next to her. ‘There’s still going to be a wonderful wedding. It’s just going to be later.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Samantha whispers.
I don’t either. We’ve been doing nothing but talking about and organising the wedding. Why would they change the date? This doesn’t make sense. Rob’s going to be my stepdad. Suddenly a bad feeling grips me. Is he going to live with Leo? But Rob and Mum are getting married. Unless … I stare at Rob, then Mum. What else could it be? I stumble over the question. ‘Rob, are you leaving us?’
Rob jerks forward with surprise on his face. ‘No, Jack. I’d never leave your mum and you kids.’ He looks at Nanna. ‘Or Nanna.’
Nanna’s voice wobbles. ‘Please tell us what’s wrong.’
Mum presses her lips together. ‘I’m going to be all right.’ She shuffles back into the lounge. ‘I am all right. The tests show I have —’ Mum puts her arms around Samantha. ‘We can work it out.’ She slips out the words. ‘It’s breast cancer.’
We’re looking at Mum. I don’t know what she means.
‘It’s all right. I’ll be all right. good doctors. the mammogram. caught early. best treatment.’ I’m trying to work out what she’s saying, but her words jump all over the place. Breast cancer? Suddenly my head is spinning, my gut shrivels. I don’t get it. Cancer? What’s Mum talking about? She said she had a migraine. That’s what she said. That’s why she went to the doctor. Mum’s got a migraine.
‘Breast cancer has good treatments.’ Stop talking, Mum. Stop talking. Samantha’s crying. Mum’s hugging her. Samantha’s sobbing now. The whole lounge fills with Samantha’s sobs. I look at Mum’s face and she’s crying too. Mum’s a liar, a liar. She has a migraine. There’s a wedding. Leo’s a penguin. Nanna’s got a walking stick. Christopher and I won a prize, my ponto … Suddenly the sky is crashing down. I bend over and press my face into my hands.
I don’t know when Rob sat next to me, but he’s rubbing my back and talking. ‘We’re a family. We’ll work this out, Jack.’
I look up at him. It’s hard to speak. ‘But it’s cancer, Rob.’ I can’t live without Mum. None of us can live without Mum.
Chapter 9
Red Eyes
I hear Nanna pad into the bathroom. I can’t sleep. Hector keeps me company. He doesn’t sleep much at night. I scratch his ears. He likes that and chatters his teeth. Hector needs another rat friend in his cage because he gets lonely when I’m not around. I have to persuade Mum. I catch my breath. I can’t ask Mum now. I notice light streaking under my door. It opens and Samantha’s head appears. ‘Jack. Are you awake?’
‘Sure I’m awake. Come and pat Hector.’
Samantha walks toward me, holding Floppy. As she strokes Hector, I see that her eyes are red. Hector has red eyes too. Normally I’d make a joke, but I can’t now. ‘Can I stay here?’ Samantha’s scared to sleep alone tonight. She sits cross-legged on my bed, hugging Floppy.
‘Hey, everything is going to be fine.’
‘What if Mum.?’ Samantha starts sobbing again and I put my arms around…. I gulp hard. I refuse to cry.
‘Mum will be all right. She always is.’ I lie like Mum lied. I don’t know what’s going to happen, except I have to make Samantha feel better.
I talk for a while about the wedding. ‘Mum and Rob are going to get married. You and Anna are going to be great flower girls. It’ll just be later.’ Samantha smiles for the first time tonight. I tell her about my new experiments and talk and talk until her eyelids slowly shut. She falls asleep with Floppy beside her.
I lie on my back thinking. Anna and I held hands at the beach. It was special, but it feels a long time ago. Working on the Vietnam project with Christopher was incredible. I wanted the prize but I don’t want it now. I’d swap it in a second for Mum not to be sick. I close my eyes and half-sleep, but suddenly I’m awake. I sleep, then wake up, sleep, then wake up. Time is going so slowly. I look at my watch. Two in the morning. Mum’s going back to the breast cancer clinic with Rob. I want to go with her, but Mum said that I have to look after Samantha and Nanna at home. We’re allowed to miss school today. I couldn’t face school. I’m not allowed to tell anybody about this, except Anna.
I close my eyes. Suddenly I can’t breathe. I’m trying to get air, but it won’t come into my lungs. I don’t know what’s happening. I put my hands over my face. It’s wet. I wipe my face, but it gets wetter and wetter.
Three in the morning. I’m on the computer looking up breast cancer. It’s pretty common. I don’t want it to be common. I don’t want Mum to have it. Cells go mad and keep dividing until they become a lump or tumour and take over your body. The main thing is to catch the cancer early. I just want Mum to have caught it early. Get rid of it and then be back to normal. That’s what I want. She has to beat it. I’m so tired. I can’t think any more. I turn the computer off. I hear Nanna pad into the bathroom again.
Four o’clock, I get an orange juice from the kitchen. I notice that the pile of wedding invitations isn’t on the hall stand any more. My stomach sinks.
Five in the morning: I watch Samantha sleeping and Hector snoozing.
Six in the morning: I hear Nanna pad to the bathroom. She really has a weak bladder. I’m getting up. This is the longest night ever.
Seven in the morning: I ring Anna. ‘Won’t be at school today.’
‘Jack, are you there?’ I try to speak. ‘Are you there?’ Anna repeats the question until I force out a reply.
‘Yes.’ My voice cracks.
‘What’s wrong, Jack?’
I press my hand against my head, blocking out the shooting pains. ‘You can’t tell anyone.’
‘I won’t. I promise.’
‘It’s. Mum.’ I can’t breathe and I bend over winded, gasping for air.
Anna’s voice is urgent. ‘What’s happened? What is it? Just tell me. Tell me.’
Coughing, I splutter a huge sob through the phone. ‘Mum has breast cancer.’ I don’t wait for Anna’s answer. I race down the back steps into the garden, and stand panting beside the sunflowers where Patch is buried. I hide my head in my arms. I don’t care if Leo lives with us. I don’t care if Mum calls me darling or does star jumps or makes me wear a penguin suit. She can do all of that. I don’t care about any of it. Mum has to be OK. She just has to be. Everything crashes in my head, and the tears spill down my face and I know I’m crying. I’m crying until my body hurts and my throat is sore and my eyes are red.
We wave goodbye to Mum and Rob as they drive off to the hospital. It’s going to be a long wait for them to come home. Nanna has her walking stick in her hand and is wearing her favourite cardigan. ‘We’re visiting Grandad today. Samantha, can you pack some morning tea? Jack, you get a brush and garden scissors to trim Grandad’s grave, and get some sunflowers too.’
‘Grandad will love the sunflowers.’ Samantha doesn’t smile.
‘We need to talk to him.’
It’s a relief to be doing something. Samantha puts water, fruit and biscuits and a picnic rug inside a backpack. She straps Floppy on the top of it. I get the garden tools from the shed, then cut three sunflowers. I put on the backpack. Samantha holds the sunflowers and we head for the bus stop.
Nanna shuffles into the bus seat reserved for people with walking sticks. I sit beside her and Samantha sits hugging Floppy at the window. The window is open because she gets bus-sick sometimes.
‘I can always depend on you, Jack.’ Nanna brushes the photos on her walking stick with the soft pads of
her fingertips. ‘You’re such a wonderful boy. I heard you last night with Samantha.’
I don’t feel wonderful. What else could I do? Nanna doesn’t fall asleep on the bus ride like she usually does. The bus stops at the cemetery gates and Nanna steps off without tripping. We head toward Grandad. The sun is amber; the sea is frothed with creamy butter; and the skies are wavy. It’s like Grandad is here: it feels safe. I snip the grass that has grown around his grave while Samantha puts the sunflowers beside the headstone.
We settle onto the rug, take out morning tea, and look at Grandad’s grave and past it all the way to the fishing boats bobbing in the sea. I take photos of the sky, sea, clouds and Samantha lying her head on Floppy. ‘Jack’s photos are very special,’ she tells Grandad. I click a few pictures of Nanna. She’s an amazing subject. She tells Grandad about the Vietnam project and Christopher and our award. Her green eyes fill with tears. ‘I am so proud of them. I know you are too.’
‘Anna got a prize as well,’ Samantha whispers.
I tell Grandad how much his medals hanging in my bedroom mean to me. Nanna nods, making gentle sucking sounds with her teeth. We talk about Christopher’s parents and their bakery, Nanna’s bargains, George Hamel who isn’t a bully any more and cookies that stick in Nanna’s teeth. Nanna flashes her ‘renovated’ new teeth and it feels so good to smile.
Samantha fiddles with the fringe of the rug. ‘Mum and Rob’s wedding is going to be later, Grandad.’
‘Samantha, the wedding will be beautiful and you will be too.’ Nanna taps her feet. ‘And we’ll dance.’
The water tastes good. Nanna eats a banana. I take a breath and finally ask Grandad, ‘Mum is sick. What are we supposed to do?’
Nanna walks to the side of Grandad’s grave. She puts her hand on his headstone. I copy her. The stone feels warm. ‘Life is going to be different for a while.’
‘I don’t want it to be different.’ Samantha stands between us.
‘It will be, Samantha. Sometimes Mum’s going to be tired and sick. Sometimes she won’t be there just when you want to talk to her. You might even think she doesn’t love you then. That’s never true.’
‘I’m scared.’ Samantha leans against Nanna.
‘Don’t be scared. You have to find the times when she is feeling better, when she can hear you and you can laugh and talk. This is your mum’s time to work hard so she can win against cancer. You can be there for her by being the great kids you are now. Doing a project on Vietnam with Christopher, Jack, or one on dogs, Samantha. Going to school, taking photos, cooking a terrific cake, changing the light bulbs, surfing, putting beads in your hair. All the things you do.’
‘That doesn’t help Mum.’
‘It does, Jack. She’ll know you are all right, so she doesn’t have to worry.’ Nanna looks at Samantha seriously. ‘It’s brave to get dressed for school, do your schoolwork and play handball with your friends when Mum is sick and you can’t talk to them about it. When the other children don’t understand that Mum mightn’t feel up to making dinner one night or she’s quiet and you’re worried. Can you be brave?’
‘I don’t know,’ Samantha whispers.
I nod. ‘If we are here for each other, we’ll be here for Mum.’
* * *
School’s finished for the day. ‘Jack, Jack.’ I look out of my window. Anna is puffing as she runs up the back stairs of the house. She races inside with her arms pounding, hair flying and her eyes red.
Chapter 10
Should We Tell?
Rob’s car swerves into the driveway just after Anna goes home. I jump down the steps in one go, with Samantha racing after me. I shout, ‘Mum, Mum, what happened?’
Mum jerks her head forward, as if she hasn’t seen me. ‘Later, Jack. Please.’ Mum’s voice is really quiet. ‘Just need a little time to myself.’
‘But Mum, what’s the doctor said?’
‘Please, Jack. Not now.’ Mum turns her back on me, then speaks to Samantha. ‘I’ll talk to you soon, Samantha.’
‘But Mum —’
‘Not now, Jack.’
‘You heard her, Jack. Give Mum a chance to unwind.’
I stand there as Mum disappears into her bedroom. She doesn’t care. Samantha runs into her room. Nanna goes with Rob into the kitchen to make coffee. They’re talking but we’re not invited. My throat knots like a stuck video clip. We’ve been waiting all day for Mum to come home. All day we’ve waited, but Samantha and I don’t matter. I plod down the corridor, knock on Samantha’s door. A wispy gulp answers, ‘Come in.’ Samantha’s lying on her ballerina blanket with her face buried in Floppy. She looks up. Her face is blotchy and streaked with crying. I sit next to her.
‘Dinner.’ Rob opens Samantha’s bedroom door. I’m not talking to him. He holds out his hand for Samantha. She takes it.
It’s the corner-shop roast chicken tonight. Nanna pats my chair. ‘Come and sit next to me, Jack.’ I slouch beside her.
Mum clears her throat. ‘Sorry I couldn’t speak to you when I got home.’ I roll the peas on my plate with my fork. ‘Jack, are you all right?’ No, I’m not. How can I be? I’m not talking to you, Mum. ‘Jack. I need you.’ I squash three peas into mash. Mum puts her hand over Samantha’s. ‘I need you too. I want to explain what’s happened and what’s happening. Jack, do you want to know?’ I shrug. ‘When I had the mammogram, the radiologist saw an abnormal area. I had an ultrasound afterward. A lady put gel on my breast and took computer pictures with soundwaves. Made it easier to see what was in my breast. You would have been interested, Jack.’
I am interested. My stomach knots, and I just shrug again.
‘Then the doctor did a biopsy. This time he used the ultrasound to find the lump to see where he had to put the needle, to take out some cells.’
‘Did it hurt?’ Samantha hugs Mum.
Mum gives a crooked smile. ‘Not too much, but I didn’t like it.’
I want to hug Mum too. ‘The lump is in my right breast. The surgeon is going to cut out the cancer. Maybe he’ll cut out some of the lymph nodes in my armpit too if there are cancer cells there.’
‘Will it hurt?’ Samantha’s pony-tail bobs up and down as she presses even closer to Mum.
‘I don’t know, Samantha.’
I feel rotten. I don’t want Mum to have surgery. What if something happens to her?
Rob throws me a look. ‘Come on, Jack. You always have questions.’
Mum’s eyes are watering. What am I doing? I don’t want Mum to cry. I love her and I do have questions. I push the peas on my plate to the side. ‘Mum, what are lymph nodes?’
Rob winks at me, Nanna smiles and I feel a bit better.
Mum looks up for a minute to get her thoughts organised. Mum isn’t a scientist like me and needs time to work it out. ‘Lymph glands. They protect you against infection. Cancer cells want to get into the lymph glands so they can go to other places in you. The surgery cuts out the cancer in my breast and maybe under my arm.’
‘So when’s the operation, Mum?’
‘Next week, Jack,’ Mum adds quickly.
My stomach drops. It’s so soon.
‘And I’m going to get through it fine. I’ll only be in hospital for a few days. Then there are other treatments like radiotherapy, and maybe chemotherapy. I’ll tell you when I know more about them.’ Mum looks at my dinner plate and teases me. ‘You’ve made a mess of your peas.’
‘Jack doesn’t like peas,’ Samantha whispers.
I ignore Samantha, but I make a deal in my head. I’ll eat peas every dinner, every day, all the time, if Mum gets better.
Samantha tells Mum and Rob that we visited Grandad’s grave. ‘We went on the bus and I didn’t get bus-sick.’
Nanna closes her eyes for a minute like she’s there. ‘It was a lovely morning. We told Grandad everything and we put sunflowers on the grave. Jack took some photos.’
‘Sunflowers.’ Mum sighs. ‘I’d love to see the pictures.’
�
��All right, Mum.’ I walk to my room. Don’t feel like running today. I bring back my camera and show everyone the shots. I’ll edit them later. I stop at the photo of Nanna waving her walking stick over the grave.
‘Grandad liked the walking stick with the photos.’ Nanna’s face crinkles into a grin. She lifts her walking stick up, even though we’ve seen it lots of times. Samantha points to the photo of Grandad. Mum smiles and that feels good.
‘It’s going to be hard sometimes, but I am going to be all right.’ Mum looks at Samantha and me. ‘But you have to help me. I’m going to get tired. I need to know that you’re going to be all right even if I can’t spend as much time looking after you as I always want to.’
‘OK, Mum.’
Rob makes coffee for Nanna and Mum.
I ask, ‘Is this going to be a secret, Mum?’ It’s so hard to keep it a secret. ‘Everyone will want to know why the wedding’s later. Why you’re not at work or college …’ My questions dribble into a full stop.
‘I had to tell work. Rob told his work too.’ Mum presses her fingers against her lips. ‘I don’t want a lot of phone calls and visits. I love my friends, but they’ll be exhausting.’
‘Anna’s trying not to tell her parents. She hates hiding things from them.’
‘The Napolis are good friends.’ Mum sips her coffee. ‘It’s not fair to put Anna under that stress. They should know.’
Rob has to tell Leo. Nanna can’t keep a secret for long, so it’ll get out. School needs to know. Friends will be hurt if we don’t tell them. Christopher’s parents are making the wedding cake. They should know. Rob finally asks Mum, ‘What do you want us to do?’
Mum rests her head in the palms of her hands. When she lifts her head, she looks different. ‘I don’t want lies. You can share this with whoever you feel you want to, but please ask them not to phone too much. Send me a note, write a card, send love. That’s what I’d like.’
Always Jack Page 6