Heartbreak's A Bitch!

by S. M Phillips

  “Well, I have a copy of everything that has been sent and documented so we can go over it all, that’s not a problem.”

  I want to say so much, to tell them how unfair all of this is, but my gut’s telling me that none of it will help my case so I bite down on my lip to prevent the words from breaking free.

  “It seems that there have been some serious allegations made against you Emily. We have a range of things here from misuse of the company’s internet policy, also fraudulent claims against the business’ expenses account and finally sexual harassment.”

  “Excuse me?” I shout out, struggling to hold my tongue any further. “Did you just say fraud and sexual harassment? Graham, what’s actually going on here?” I demand even though I know it’s in vain.

  “As soon as the allegations were brought to my attention I looked into it further.” Again, he’s looking over me, not at me and it’s driving me insane. Where are your balls, goddamn it? “I had I.T. look into the claims for misuse and all of your internet history and I was shocked at what came back to me Emily.”

  “We have some picture evidence here if you’d like to see it?”

  “Yes.” Picture evidence? This is absolute bullshit. I take the papers from Stacey and quickly riffle through them. What’s before me is horrifying. Not only does it show that I have been ordering a shed load of goodies from the business account, there’s numerous screenshots from conversations between me and random guys on bloody dating sites. Oh god, oh no… there’s images too. Naked ones. “You’ve got this all wrong.” I plead. “I haven’t done this. Why would I do any of this from work? If I was into this kind of thing, which I’m not, I’d make sure that I did it from the privacy of my own home.”

  “Are you sure that it wasn’t you?” Stacey asks, squinting slightly as if she can see the lies seeping out of me.

  “I’m one hundred percent sure.” I reply confidently.

  “You know there was a time that I would have believed you.” Graham looks at me, actually looks me right in the eye, but his face doesn’t look friendly at all. He looks like I’m something that’s just crawled through an open window and he can’t wait to squash me. “However, if you look at the bottom of each page, it clearly shows your user I.D and then there are the emails that have come straight from your mailbox.”

  “But…”

  “I’d like to think after all the years that we’ve worked together, you’ll finally give me the truth?”

  “I am. I didn’t do it Graham. You know this isn’t something that I would do. I work hard and I always have. I’m the one who has always carried everyone else in this place and I didn’t mind one bit, because I loved my job. I bloody loved the people that I worked with. We we’re supposed to be some kind of happy family, but I guess it looks like you’re happy to pick and choose who fits and who doesn’t.”

  “Like I said Emily, it’s out of my hands. As you can see, it’s all here in black and white. To say that I’m beyond upset and disappointed is an understatement. You were, and have always been my best and most loyal employee and there was never a doubt in my mind that I could always trust and rely on you.”

  “What? You still can. This all has to be some messed up joke. It’s completely out of character for me. Can’t you see that this has to be some kind of set up.”

  “Do you have reason to believe that anyone would want to set you up?” Stacey asks.

  Cruella automatically comes to the forefront of my mind. Yes, we don’t like each other very much, that’s no secret, but would she really go out of her way to destroy me like that? I don’t think so. It all sounds like too much effort on her part and we all know that she likes to spend all of her time on herself. “Graham…” I say again, but he looks beyond angry now.

  “I’m in shock that you would actually go out of your way to violate our reputation like that. I’ve always liked to treat you all fair, so what have I done to make you repay me like this?”

  “For God sake.” I snap, tears of frustration threatening to break free at any minute. One thing that I will not do is cry in front of these people. I’m being backed into a corner and it’s not fair at all. I turn my head to Rachel to see what she’s thinking throughout all of this, but all she does is squeeze my hand gently. “I didn’t do it.” I say again, but now I’m the one who can’t look anyone in the eye. Not because I’m a coward, but because I can’t believe that no one is listening to me.

  “Here, get this down you.”

  “I feel physically sick Rach.” I take the cup from her hand and look at it disapprovingly.

  “We’ll get you something stronger later. We don’t want you having drunk and disorderly adding to that ridiculous list, do we?”

  Ridiculous is one word for it. While we’re out here, tweedle-dee, tweedled-dum and nasty Neil are currently sat inside that little room discussing my fate. How could all of this have happened? “I’m done for Rach.” I say out loud and now it feels real. I’m going to be jobless any second and there is nothing that I can do about it. I don’t want to have to work with Rachel. I love her and all, but that is something that would really test our friendship. I know that I’m lucky to have her to fall back on, but if I can keep my rightful job here, a job that I love, then that’s what I’m going to do.

  “Do you really think it was a set up?” Rachel asks me, and takes the chair opposite mine.

  “I don’t know. It has to be something like that, because I sure as hell haven’t done anything on that list. Yes, every now and again I’ll have a quick nosey on Twitter and Facebook, but that’s all done in my lunch hour, which is allowed. It says that the internet can be used for personal use outside of office hours in our contracts.”

  “I know, I believe you.” She says gently and her hand wraps around mine again.

  “Well at least someone does. Did you see how they were coming at me like vultures? It didn’t matter what I said, they just weren’t listening. Their minds have been made up from day one on this.”

  “You know what they say Emily, it’s not over until the fat lady sings. Keep that pretty little chin up and held high.” Just as Rachel finishes talking, the door swings open and Stacey calls me back in.

  I’ve never been so scared in all my life.

  What a day.

  Nothing could have prepared me for what I faced when I walked back inside that little meeting room. Stacey was as empathetic as one can be in that kind of situation, Graham looked defeated, and slightly broken somehow and Neil, fucking hell it was the first time that I actually saw him crack a smile, full of relief that his strenuous task was finally over. I’ve honestly never met anyone as obnoxious as he was. Honestly, the guy needs to take a long look in the mirror and have a serious talk with himself.

  At least I wanted to keep my job. He couldn’t give ten bloody hoots as to whether he was there or not. Life’s a cruel bitch sometimes. I definitely learned that today, right when I was dismissed on the spot without so much as a word from Graham. I’m really annoyed how he was harping on about how I let him down. “No sunshine, hopefully one day when you wake up and realise that this was all some massive error, maybe you’ll stop and see how much you have let me down.”

  Rachel wanted to come back with me, but I left her in town, forcing her to contact Doug and spend some time with him. When we stepped outside, he’d blown her phone up with at least thirty missed calls. Obviously, Rachel being Rachel, she was just going to ignore him, but there was no way that I could just stand back and allow that to happen. No way. “What good will that do the two of you?” I pointed out to her. “He seems pretty keen to talk to you if you ask me. Go and call him. You might just live to regret it if you don’t. Trust me, I’ll be okay.” I lied. I felt horrible doing it, but it was the only way that I could get her off my back. As much as I love her, having her fussing over me would only make me feel worse.

  “Are you sure?” She looks so unsure as she asks me this, but I have to stay strong here. She really needs to sort thin
gs out with her shag partner and I really need some alone time while I try and get my head together.

  “Of course, there’s a bottle of wine or three with my name on at the corner shop which I fully intend to get down and personal with.” She wasn’t happy, but I was adamant. All I wanted was to be alone so that I could cry in my own little bubble, with no distractions. “I’ll call you later.” I promised, and off she went, reluctantly to finally sort things out with Doug.

  Now, all alone in my house, nursing my wine, I’m not too sure it was a good idea to be left alone with my thoughts. Especially when you throw alcohol in to the mix. I’m still in shock. It doesn’t seem real that I have just been sacked. Never in my whole working life have I ever been sacked, but today as soon as I stepped back inside that room, they dismissed me on the spot. I tried to argue, to plea my case, but it was pretty clear that their minds were already made up; Graham’s included. I wouldn’t be all that surprised if the final decision was down to him too.

  Now here I’m sat at my kitchen table like a sad, depressed loner. Maybe it’s time that I woke up and realised that this is now me, now my life and I’m just going to have to deal with it. I’m going to have to find some way of adjusting. Bloody hell, I’m almost thirty and I’ve got absolutely nothing to show for it. What have I done with my life? Everything that I once had, has now disappeared in to thin air. My boyfriend didn’t want me anymore, and now the company that I loved to work for doesn’t want me either.

  “At least you’ll never leave me. You’ll always need me, won’t you?” I ask the bottle of wine in front of me, and I’d like to think that it just shimmied its contents at me in agreement.

  As I lift up the bottle to refill my glass, I notice Tyler’s package still on the table where I left it. Honestly, I don’t know why I haven’t just thrown it in the bin. It’s not doing anything for me by reminding me of him. Instead, all it’s doing is reminding me of what I once had.

  Thinking about it, I’m pretty surprised that Rachel didn’t go snooping through it after she started riffling through my post. On closer inspection, it doesn’t look like it’s been tampered with and if she has then she clearly didn’t think its contents were important enough to tell me about.

  “Oh Tyler, why after all this time are you still trying to tear me apart.” I sway a little as I stand, a little lightheaded from the wine and my empty stomach and lean forward to grab the package ready to throw whatever it is in the bin where it belongs. I lift my arm up, just about to let go when curiosity gets the better of me. Maybe I could have a little peak. I wouldn’t want a whole bunch of what-if’s flying around inside my head in months to come. Plus, I’m pretty sure whatever is inside can’t make me feel worse than I already do right now.

  Wrong. Oh, how wrong…

  I couldn’t have been more wrong if I’d tried. My hands tremble as I look inside the box. What is this? Some sick joke? Why would he do this to me now after all this time? No phone calls, no apologies. Bloody hell, not even a single explanation for why he messed up our relationship and everything that we could have had, all because he thought it was a great idea to mess it all up to please his sad and selfish needs. Deep down, I always knew he was a prick, but at a certain time in my life he was my prick and I loved him. Jesus, as much as I hate him, absolutely detest him, I guess a part of me will always love him. As much as I don’t want to, there’s not much that I can do about it. He was my first love and my first heartbreak.

  A huge burst of anger overcomes me and all I can see is red. I don’t know if it’s purely because of Tyler’s gift, or a multitude of everything that has happened recently finally coming to a head and taking its toll, but I feel like hulk smashing the shit out of everything in sight. Instead, I throw his stupid bloody package to the floor and a piece of paper falls out and lands on the table before me.

  “Great, as if the gift wasn’t insult enough, he now feels the need to explain something to me after almost a year.” I always assumed that he was off living the dream with Suzy the bloody floozy. Cleary she could do everything that I couldn’t and what I could do, she must have been able to do it better.

  Oh what the hell, I’m a glutton for punishment anyway so I may as well see what he’s got to say for himself. No doubt he’s loving life, living in a perfect family home whilst she’s busy making homemade goodies, heavily pregnant about to make their life complete.

  To calm myself, I take a big glug of wine and sit back down. Jesus, he could have at least put some effort into his handwriting. If you want to tell someone something, then for the love of everything that is holy, please make it legible.

  Emily,

  You’re probably surprised to hear from me to say the least, but I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time. I guess I just never had the balls to put pen to paper. I can imagine what’s going on in your head right now, you huffing like you always do when you don’t agree with me, and yes, you’re right I’ve never really had any balls to begin with.

  I hope you’re well and you’ve managed to get over what I did to you, to us. I never, ever meant to hurt you. That was never part of the plan. None of this was part of the plan.

  I’m sure you’ll agree that things hadn’t been great for us for quite a while, and I know that’s no excuse for my actions. You’ll never really understand how sorry I am.

  Our life was supposed to be great. We were supposed to grow old together. But that will never happen now and I’m finally man enough to take whole responsibility for that.

  I want you to know that if I could go back in time and erase the massive fuck up that I caused, I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. Without a doubt.

  Maybe I should have stayed and tried to talk it out with you, to try and make you understand. I was lost Emily, really lost. I thought that I had already lost you and you didn’t care about us anymore. My head was all over the place. Thoughts were going through my mind that I shouldn’t have even been thinking about.

  Anyway, that’s the past and what’s done is done, regrettably.

  I’ve always loved you and I think I always will. My life’s not been the same since I made that terrible mistake. I bet you’re sat at the kitchen table now, looking cute with that confused look on your face. I would be too.

  The ring… Well, I’d bought it a few months prior to the shit hitting the fan. What with my promotion, I could finally get down on one knee and ask you to be my wife. Maybe I should have been stronger. Maybe I should have tried to talk to you more instead of shutting you out. Hell, I should have done a lot of things differently.

  I doubt that you’ll keep it and I don’t blame you. But it doesn’t feel right me keeping it. I bought it for you and it’s you that should have it. I’ll understand if you throw it, but I’ll feel better knowing that I finally gave it to you. It felt wrong that I had kept on to it.

  I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’ll never forgive myself for breaking your heart, it’s something that I will carry with me for as long as I live, but it has taught me to really appreciate what you have and to never take anything for granted.

  I don’t have a right to miss you, but I do. I don’t have a right to love you but I do and I will do, always.

  I hope life treats you kind Emily, because there is no one in the world who deserves it more.

  You’ll be forever in my heart.

  T x

  I re-read his letter a dozen times, over and over until I can’t see any more from the onslaught of tears that are breaking through. Talk about a head fuck. Why would I want to know all that now? What could I possibly gain from it, closure? I’ve spent months upon months trying to pick myself back up again and now he’s just undone everything with a poxy ring and some meaningless words on a letter. Today can go and suck donkey balls. Maybe it’s best if I just go to bed and hope for better tomorrow.

  Just as I’m about to listen to my own advice for a change, my phone buzzes to life beside me. I look down and see Rachel’s name flashing up on the screen. As mu
ch as I’d rather not speak to anyone right now and just wallow in my own self-pity, I can’t ignore her. I owe it to her to answer. I’ve shut her out too much already. Throughout all of this Rachel has been my rock. She’s the one who constantly picks me up when times get tough and she’s the first to give me a good old kick up the arse when it’s needed too. Even if I don’t agree with her at the time, I know she’s doing what’s right for me. As much as my selfish side wants too, there’s just no way that I can shut her out now.

  “Hello.” I say when I answer and as much as I try to prevent it, my voice betrays me by quivering and my bottom lip won’t stop shaking. My, now the dams are well and truly open.

  “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you crying?” She asks, concern thick in her tone. There’s no way that I’m going to be able to get out of this one. Not now, not after today and my wine consumption, I’m too far gone to lie. I just don’t have the energy left in me.

  “Uhh-hhh.”

  “I’ll be right over.”

  I don’t get a chance to blubber anything else out before the call disconnects. Now she’s going to be hot on her heels to see me. Shit. I should have pretended to be okay. What if I’ve gone and ruined something between her and Doug? I don’t want to get in the middle of those two because I know if they both work on it and start to be open and honest with each other then they’ll have something special. I just know it. Plus, I’m morbid enough already for the both of us. I guess there’s nothing really left for me to do apart from cry and finish this bottle off before she gets here.