My head lolls to the side as I fight to stay awake, but I can’t find the energy to lift it toward the flames that start licking the hood of the car. Then a couple of seconds later an explosion goes off and everything turns to black.
“I’m heading out,” I tell everyone, a grin on my face and a spring in my step. I’m gonna see my baby girl again today.
They all grunt in response but I don’t care if they’re miserable, nothing will bring me down today. Nothing.
I jump into my truck and pull out of the precinct parking lot, turning right and making my way over to the other side of town just as my cell beeps. I click the button on the steering wheel to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Honey!” Ma squeals over the speakers of the car. “Today is the day! You get to see my grandbaby again! Don’t forget pictures!”
“I won’t,” I chuckle and turn left at the intersection.
“We’ve got a ten-fifty on Tame Way, assistance required.”
I frown at the police radio. “Ma, I’ve got to go.” I don’t wait for a reply before I hang up and slam my foot down onto the gas pedal. Tame Way is only two blocks over and I can be on the scene quickly before someone comes to take over.
My heart hammers in my chest as I get closer and I rub at it. This never happens, I never feel this way when called to assist with an accident, but something just doesn’t feel right.
Everything feels like it’s taking too long, like when you’re dreaming and you try to run but it feels like you’re trying to wade through molasses as everything turns into slow-mo and you can’t make your way there without it taking an hour to move one step.
I come to a stop and assess the scene in front of me. There’s three fire trucks and several paramedics blocking the way so I step out of my truck, my hands starting to shake and legs wobbling as my feet hit the ground. Something isn’t right.
I walk around an ambulance and see a dump truck and a three-car pileup with one car stuck under the truck.
“Stay back please, sir,” a firefighter tells me, his hand extended. But I’m not looking at him, I’m looking at the cars that are piled up, my eyes move from them to the back end of the one still jammed right under the dump truck.
The firefighters rush to pull the cars out and then one shouts, “I need help here!”
My head whips to where several of them run and my feet step forward but I’m blocked by an arm again. “Sir, I can’t let you closer. Please step back until we’ve cleared the scene.”
“That… that car.” I stumble on my words, not able to get them out.
I watch as they all rush around for what feels like hours but is only minutes before the car behind the one under the truck is pulled out and I see the license plate.
My heart beats so hard in my chest and I have to clutch it to make sure it’s still there. This isn’t real, it can’t be. A fog descends over me and all I can do is stare at the scene in front of me, watching as they pull the car out and seeing the shocked expressions on their faces.
My eyes flick to the firefighter whose eyes are on the scene in front of us and I take my chance and rush past him, my legs moving faster than they ever have before.
“Sir!”
I ignore him calling me and make it three feet away before I spot her hair. Her soft, golden hair, matted with blood.
“No,” I whisper, taking a step closer. “No!”
Arms come around me from behind, restraining me and I try to get out of his hold, managing to make it two steps before he’s on me again, another person assisting him.
“Mackenzie?”
I turn and see a uniformed officer from the precinct, a tear slipping free and tracking down my face.
“It’s Emmy,” I tell him, not really seeing his face. “It’s Emmy!”
My heart breaks, I can actually feel it being cracked in half and stomped on in my chest. The pain so unbearable that I feel like I can’t breathe. The thought of a world without her in it isn’t one that I want to be in.
“The baby,” I whisper and then I say louder, “the baby!”
“What?” the firefighter asks, his hazel eyes connecting with mine.
“My wife, she’s pregnant! GET HER OUT!”
I struggle against their holds again and I’m not sure whether it’s my strength, them letting me go, or a combination of both but I manage to break their hold and rush forward.
“Emmy!” I shout, hoping like hell that she answers. “Emmy!”
I get closer and try to pry open the car door, my mind working overtime. I wish I hadn’t seen her like this. I wish the last memory of her was kissing her goodbye this morning, not this.
Not the blood covering her face and hair. Not her battered arm that hangs over the center console, not the steering wheel plummeted into her stomach and not her burnt and charred skin. I can’t unsee it, I don’t think I’ll ever get the image out of my head again. I know without a doubt that she’s gone. That she’s dead. They both are.
I’ll never hear her voice again, I’ll never feel her hand in mine, I’ll never feel her body in my arms.
All the things that will never happen run through my mind. I’ll never be a dad to the baby girl in her stomach, I’ll never hold her in my arms, I’ll never get up at three in the morning to do the morning feed. I’ll never hear her cry, I’ll never get to teach her how to ride a bike, I’ll never see her dancing in her dance recitals. Never. Never. Never.
I clutch my hair in my hands, pulling at it and feeling the burn in my scalp.
This wasn’t meant to happen, not to her. She’s too good to be taken so soon.
My legs give way as everything crushes me from the inside out. I can’t handle this, I won’t be able to live without her, without them.
“Sir, you need to step back,” the same firefighter says, placing his hand around my bicep and pulling me up like a rag doll, only now his voice has something different to it, sadness.
My vision blurs as they finally pull her out of the car, her body covered in blood and her perfect bump contorted and not round anymore. Her face lifeless and her eyes closed.
They put her on the gurney and wheel her to the ambulance and I run for it, stopping them and resting my head on her chest as I wrap my arms around her, tears streaming down my face and sobs taking over my whole body.
“No, baby, no, no, no. This wasn’t supposed to happen! You can’t leave me, I need you, baby. Please, please come back to me.” I look up at her face and grip it in my hands, pressing my lips against hers and sobbing out, “Don’t leave me.”
“Sir?”
“She’s my wife!” I shout at the EMT. “She’s… she… she was my wife.”
My arms hang over my bent knees, my head lowered to the ground. I squeeze my eyes shut as that day rains down on me like a torrential downpour. The tears flow down my face and I watch as they drop onto the grass, running down the blades and then soaking into the dirt.
“I come and sit out here sometimes too.” I lift my head at Dad’s voice and raise a brow at him. “It’s so peaceful out here, she loved it.”
I nod my head silently and look up at the now darkening sky, I’ll stay here until the stars twinkle, telling myself that she’s up there looking down on us all.
“Do you remember the first day she moved in?” he chuckles. “The way she ate that food that your ma cooked, it was like she’d never eat again.” He turns his head to me. “You know she stored food in her room?”
“Yeah.” I smile. “I never asked her about it, but I knew why.”
“She had such a bad start in life, but you changed that, son.” His hand grips onto my shoulder and he squeezes it gently. “You gave her a better life. She was happy.”
“She was,” I whisper.
We stay silent for a while, just watching the sky. Dad blows out a breath and then turns to me. “She’d want you to be happy too.”
“I am happy,” I say, defensively.
“No.” He shakes his head.
“You’re not. You’re drifting through life and that isn’t any way to live. You need to love again.”
“I—”
“Don’t tell me you can’t, I know you can. I know.”
“Yeah?” I laugh condescendingly, standing up. “You telling me that you’d be able to love again after Ma?”
“That’s different,” he says, his voice low.
“How is that different?” I ask, opening my arms wide.
I can’t believe he’s saying this. He’s telling me to forget about her, to pretend that she never existed. But she did.
“It’s different because I’ve had my life, son.” He stands up and widens his stance. “I’ve had over thirty years with your ma, we’ve had the joy of children, we’ve made a family and we have memories, lots of memories.”
“So do Emmy and I! We were going to be a family!”
“Yes, you have memories and you were building a family together. But it was taken away from you and I can’t imagine how much that hurts every day, but you need to move on. Not to forget, but to give yourself happiness.” He steps forward. “To live again.”
I grit my teeth and clench my jaw as I stare at him, his eyes shining with concern and honesty.
I know I need to move on, it’s been four years now, but I don’t know if I can. I can sleep with Kitty and pretend for a couple of weeks that everything is good, but when she mentions Emmy, or finds something to do with Emmy, I lose it. Just like I did the other week. She’ll never be able to understand. She’ll never get it, and she shouldn’t have to. It’s too much to put on her shoulders.
“I can’t, Dad. I can’t,” I choke out.
His arms come around me and he holds me just like he did when I was a child and I’d just scraped my knee falling off my bike. I feel like I’m that five-year-old kid again, sobbing into his chest.
“You can, son. One day at a time, that’s all you need to do. Take it one day at a time.” He pats my back, pulling away and holding the sides of my face. “You can do this. Make a life for yourself. Make Emmy proud.”
“I… I’ll try.”
“Come on.” He throws his arm around my shoulders. “Let’s go and get some pie.”
I snort as I wipe away the tears. “You not had enough pie lately, old man?”
“If there’s one thing you need to know, son, let it be this. You can never have enough pie.”
I chuckle and shake my head, walking back toward the house with him by my side. The sun sets in the distance, casting shadows across the house. My heart beats faster at the sight, Emmy would have loved it, but so would Kitty.
It’s time to take a different turn and get off the track that I’m on. I’ve been going around and around the same one for four years now, it’s time I made a pit stop and took a different route. I need to start and live my life in the present and not in the past. I can see that now.
Dad lets go of me as we get to the bottom of the steps where Ma stands, leaning against the post on the porch, a huge smile on her face at the sight of seeing Dad. He heads straight for her, wrapping his arms around her and whispering something in her ear.
That’s what I want. A love that lasts, a love that is forever. I want someone to share my life with, to laugh with, to cry with. And when I think of who that is, there’s only one person I think of. Kitty.
My heart beats faster as I watch Ma and Dad. They’d do anything for anyone, they’re the kind of people who love hard. Just like all of us Mackenzies, when we love, we love hard and forever. I get that now. I get that I can still love Emmy and our baby girl while loving someone else, I still have plenty of room in my heart for everyone.
“Pie?” Ma asks Dad and he replies with a moan and a rub to his stomach. “Charlie?”
I look from Ma to Dad and smile, stepping forward. “I could do pie.”
I wrap my arms around Ma’s shoulders as I get to the top of the steps and she taps me on the chest, whispering, “I’m so proud of you.”
“Knock knock!” Evan shouts as he comes through my front door.
“Hey!” I shout from my bedroom, shoving my arms through my t-shirt and padding my way through to the kitchen. “You want a drink?”
“Sure,” he says, following me.
I grab two bottles of water and throw one at him, he catches it in the air and leans against the counter.
“So, what’s up?”
“Nothing.” He looks away, a frown on his face and then back again. It’s his signature, “I want to say something but I don’t know how” look.
“Just say it, Evan,” I huff.
He worries his lip and twists the bottle top on and off, finally looking back up to me.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Me?” I chuckle. “Yeah, I’m good, why?”
He shuffles his feet and looks down and then back up again, his eyes roving over my kitchen.
“You just...” His shoulders sag. “You just don’t seem like you.”
My pulse races at the look on his face. He can’t know, I’ve been careful, I know I have.
“What are you trying to say, Evan?” I walk past him and into the living room, sitting on my chair and discreetly putting my hand down the side of the cushion.
They’re still there.
“I’ve known you for years, Kitty. Something is up, and I just... I wanted to tell you that you can talk to me about anything.”
“I know that,” I answer him, rolling my eyes and crossing my legs.
Calm down, Kitty. He doesn’t know.
He leans against the doorframe and taps the bottle of water on the door, watching me and waiting. I keep my eyes connected with his, showing no signs of weakness.
“Fine,” he huffs. “But know that I’m here.”
“Thanks,” I say, a small smile on my face.
“Wanna walk over together?” he asks.
“I erm… I’ll catch up to you.”
He frowns and narrows his eyes at me, opening his mouth but closing it again, saying nothing. He turns and as soon as I hear the door shut behind him, I scramble for the pills and pull them out, popping the top off and pouring three into my hand.
“I—”
I gasp at Evan’s voice, closing my eyes tight and taking a deep breath. There’s no way that I can deny it now. My mind swirls with excuses that I can use and I go through several options, none of them able to get me out of the situation I’m in now.
“Kitty?” he asks.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Please tell me that I’m not seeing what I’m seeing, please tell me you’re still not taking these.”
I open my eyes and lift my head up, my breath catching in my throat from the look on his face, his eyes wide and his mouth in a grim line.
“You should have stopped taking these weeks ago.” He stomps over to me, pulling them out of my hand and frowning down at the bottle. “These aren’t even your pills; did you score these?” His voice is low, so low that it’s almost a growl. I’ve never heard Evan talk like this before and it makes my heart skip a beat.
“I need them,” I say, my voice sounding pathetic even to my own ears. “I need them,” I say again, almost as if it will make him understand, but it won’t, he’ll never understand, none of them will.
His eyes flash with disappointment and all I want to do is look away.
“You need to stop.”
“I know.”
“Now,” he grits out.
I simply nod and fold my fingers over the pills in my hand. He may have the pill bottle but he doesn’t even realize that I have some in my hand right now.
“I will,” I tell him, the lie rolling off my tongue easily.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times that I’ve told myself I’ll stop, but every time I make it twelve hours, I can’t stop myself from taking them. My skin itches and I start to sweat, all I can think about is the pills and how I need them to live. I need them to be normal.
“I’m taking these,” h
e says, holding the bottle in the air and waiting for my reaction.
All I can come up with is, “Please don’t tell anyone.” I beg him, jumping up off the chair and rushing toward him. “Please, Evan,” I plead.
“I can’t do that, Kitty, I have to tell Ty.” His face drops as he sees tears gather in my eyes and I hate that I’m doing this, putting on the waterworks so that he’ll do what I want.
I can see the slight hesitation on his face so I grip him harder, promising him that I’ll stop.
“Stop,” he growls, taking ahold of my wrists and pushing me away. “I need to think.”
I take a couple of steps away from him, watching him as he mumbles to himself and paces the small space in my living room.
His head lifts and he watches me for several seconds, his stare intense before he takes a couple of steps toward me, bringing his hand up to my face and cupping my cheek. “Promise me you won’t take them again.”
“I promise,” I whisper, keeping my eyes connected to his.
“I shouldn’t be doing this,” he says, his shoulders sagging. “You shouldn’t be taking them, especially these, you don’t even know what’s in them! What were you thinking, Kitty? I just… I can’t believe this is you right now.” I stay silent, not saying a word as he contemplates what to do. “Fine,” he relents, then points at me. “But the first time I think you’re taking them again, I’ll go to Ty.”
“Okay,” I say, stepping forward and wrapping my arms around his waist.
He pulls me closer, dropping a kiss onto my head and then pulling away, clearing his throat awkwardly.
“Come on, meeting starts in five.”
I nod and turn around, grabbing my water and then tilting my head to my room. “I’ll just go and put my boots on.”
“I’ll wait.” He smiles but I can see the distrust in his eyes.
I turn around and head to my room, shoving my feet into my boots and opening up my hand.
Three pills. Three small pills that could destroy me and everything I’ve worked towards, but the longer I stare at them, the more everything slips away.
The Distance Between Us (Mac Security Series Book 3) Page 18