by Sj Hooks
As it turned out, however, other people weren't quite as understanding about Julia and me spending every waking and sleeping moment alone together, and that became abundantly clear when Sophia and Megan demanded that we should all go out on a Saturday night in early August. The three of them used to go out every weekend and that hadn't happened at all this summer since Julia had spent all of her time with me.
I had noticed that Julia had been a bit off the last few days, sometimes staring into space for long periods of time, but when I asked her if something was the matter she always assured me that she was fine. I assumed that she was becoming a little restless since she wasn't as much of a homebody as I was and thought that a night out was just what she needed. I told her as much and she agreed that a night of dancing was perfect, which was how we ended up in a very fancy nightclub downtown. It wasn't my favorite way to spend an evening, but I didn't feel nearly as out of place as I would have just a few months ago. I certainly looked the part after spending quite a bit of money on new clothes in LA. My girl was stunning in heels and a red dress, the same one she had worn that first night at Matt’s bar, but she still seemed a bit down.
It wasn't very noticeable but I knew her well enough to see that she wasn't nearly as excited about the outing as her two girlfriends, who immediately wanted to conquer the dance floor when we entered the club.
"Come on, Jules," Sophia coaxed. "This is why we came here!"
"In a little while," she answered and took my hand. "We'll go get us a table first, OK?"
Our four companions moved to the dance floor while Julia secured us a table and I got both of us a drink. I soon realized that the girl by my side was well known in this club, and every few minutes, people would walk by and wave or say a quick hello to her while curiously eyeing me. They all called her “Jules” and it sounded so strange to my ears because I only thought of her as Julia. I decided to get to the bottom of the mystery.
"Sweetheart?"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't you ever correct me when I call you Julia?"
She turned her head and looked at me.
"I mean, everyone else gets to call you Jules. Why not me?"
God, I sound jealous. I should really just shut up about this.
And yet I kept going. "It's just that…well, when someone calls you by your full name you usually correct them. Matt and Shawn call you Jules."
"Do you want to call me Jules?" she asked patiently.
"No."
What exactly was my point with this conversation?
Julia looked confused, which was to be expected since I wasn't making sense at all.
"I just wanted to know why you don't correct me," I said lamely and brushed something invisible off my jeans. "Why you don't want me to call you Jules when it's what you prefer. Why it's different with me."
"Because it is different with you," she said. "You're my boyfriend."
"Yes, but I wasn't at first," I reminded her. "I've called you Julia from day one and you never said anything. I didn't even know that you preferred Jules until I saw you with your friends."
She sighed and took a sip of her drink. "The truth?"
"Of course," I said, hoping that I wouldn't regret this.
"I, uh, I sort of used you at first, Stephen," she said with regret in her voice. "When we started fucking I used you as a distraction to forget about the bad shit in my life. I always invited you over after I had gone to see Pop at the home. He wasn't doing too well at the end and…it was really fucked up, actually. I’ll spare you the details." She exhaled through her nose.
"This really isn't a conversation for a Saturday night out," she said after a few seconds. "I don't want to bum you out."
"Don't be ridiculous," I said softly and took her hand in mine. "Nothing's more important than getting to know you better and having you share things with me— even if some of them are unpleasant."
"You really mean that.”
"Of course. I don't really care about this," I said, motioning toward the crowded bar. "I'm here to be with you and if you want to tell me about your grandfather, you should do it. We can go home right now if you prefer."
"No, I promised the girls," she said, looking toward the dance floor where my brother and Shawn were doing their best to keep up with Megan and Sophia. "We haven't been out in ages."
"I guess I have been monopolizing you a bit," I admitted reluctantly.
"I've let you," she said with a smile. "This has been the best summer of my life. I have loved every minute of it."
"For me as well," I agreed.
"I never expected it to be, you know? I never expected you."
"What did you expect?" I asked curiously.
"For my summer? A lot more of this," she said, sweeping her hand out. "A lot more drinking, waking up in strange beds, and being hung over."
I shuddered at the thought of Julia being with another man and pulled her a little closer.
"I'm not ashamed of how I used to be," she said quietly. "But I used sex as a distraction. Even with you, in the beginning. That's why I let you call me Julia."
"I'm not sure I understand," I admitted.
"Before you, Julia was just the name on my birth certificate. Everyone always called me Jules, even when I was a kid. I've never felt like a Julia before, but with you I got to be someone different. It was so easy being with you, Stephen. Whenever I had a bad visit with Pop I’d send you a text and you were always so happy to see me when you came over. You called me Julia, and you were so nice to me. We never really talked about anything too heavy and with you I could just relax. You know, laugh and watch movies and have great sex. I needed that so much, you have no idea. You were exactly what I needed."
She squeezed my hand and leaned into my side. "Sophia and Meg are great. I couldn't ask for better friends, but they knew everything that was going on and I hated it when they looked at me with pity. Like, ‘Poor Jules, her mom and dad are dead and now her grandfather’s dying, too.’ I even found out that Meg didn't tell me that her parents were in town for her birthday, because she was worried that it would make me sad and remind me that I don't have parents anymore. I love my friends for supporting me and always being there, but I just needed something normal. I needed to be your Julia on those nights when you came to see me. I think I would’ve lost my mind if I didn’t have a free space. You gave me that."
She took another sip of her drink and drew a deep breath. "And then he died. I mean, I knew it was coming. He had gotten so much worse that he couldn't even get out of bed. He wasn't living anymore. It was just awful." She shook her head.
"But then I went to you and you made everything better," she said, looking at me. "I don't even know how you did it, but I just felt so much better the morning after the funeral when I woke up next to you. Again, you were exactly what I needed."
"I remember," I said. "It was the best morning of my life. Up to that point, at least."
She lifted her face up to mine and kissed my lips. "I love being your Julia. I've never been anyone's Julia before," she said softly.
"Then you always will be," I promised sincerely. "My sweetheart and my Julia."
"Thank you," she whispered and leaned up to kiss me again.
She shouldn't be thanking me. It should be the other way around, but I was too busy enjoying her soft lips on mine to argue. Eventually, I was forced to let go of her as Sophia and Megan hauled her onto the dance floor while Matt and Shawn joined me at the table. We watched the girls as they drew the eyes of every man in the room, but it didn't worry me. I knew that Julia loved me and I simply grinned into my hand a little later when I overheard two young guys at the bar comment on her good looks while I was waiting to be served.
"That's Jules from my American history class," the first one said to his friend who was admiring my girl. "She's completely out of your league."
"I know," the other one grumbled. "But it doesn't hurt to look."
"Yeah, but you'd better do it now. I hea
r that she's leaving in the fall. Going to Europe or something like that."
What? Where would he get that impression?
"No way," the other guy whined.
"Yeah, she won that scholarship. Um, what's it called…shit, I can't remember. Anyway, it's the one where you get to go to pretty much any college you want in Europe. Full…something. I saw her name in the university newsletter."
Fulbright? Julia won the Fulbright scholarship?
Winning the Fulbright was a great honor. But…she couldn't have won. She would have told me if that were the case. I didn't even know that she had applied for any scholarships. And the Fulbright, no less. That meant a year of studying in Europe, all expenses paid.
Is she leaving?
My insides clenched with fear. I drew a deep breath to calm my galloping heart.
No. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't just leave. I know she wouldn't. She loves me. She wants to be with me.
My momentary panic left my system. Julia loved me and she wouldn't leave without telling me. But then why would the guy next to me say something like that? How many Julia Wildes were there at the university? Only my Julia as far as I knew. But there had to be some kind of mistake. She hadn't said a word about this to me and things between us were fantastic.
She has seemed distracted lately and a little depressed. Is she trying to figure out how to let me down easy before she leaves?
No! Stop thinking that! She loves you, damn it!
I had to talk to her immediately or the speculation would drive me insane. A rush of fear went through me when I turned and couldn't see her anymore and I practically ran to our table where Matt and Shawn were still seated, talking and relaxing.
"Where is she?" I demanded, cringing when I heard just how desperate and panicked my voice sounded.
"Who, Jules?" my brother asked. "They all went outside for a little fresh air." He held up two fingers to indicate that they were actually smoking. I nodded and rushed toward the exit, leaving them confused. Once outside I quickly walked toward the end of the building where I had noticed there were a few tables and chairs set up for the smoking crowd.
"You're really not going?" I heard Megan ask, and stopped dead in my tracks just before I was about to round the corner.
"No, I'm staying here," Julia answered.
Relief flooded my system at the sound of her words, and suddenly everything was all right with the world again.
She's staying! Thank God!
"But…why?" Megan asked, sounding shocked.
"You know why," my girl said quietly.
"Because of a guy? Seriously, Jules?" Megan's voice wasn't angry. She sounded…disappointed.
"Stephen isn't just some guy," I heard Julia say and I felt certain that she was using air quotes while she spoke. "I love him."
I love you, too, sweetheart. So much that it hurts my heart to think of you going away.
"Jules," Sophia said hesitantly. "You know how much we like Stephen, and you guys are great together…but this is what you've always wanted, isn't it? Your dream? Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Et tu, Sophia?
"I'm sure," Julia said. "I want to be with Stephen."
"We know you do," Megan said. "But you haven't been together very long and you've talked about studying abroad for as long as we've known you. I just don't want you to miss out on this opportunity. What would your grandfather say if he knew that you were throwing your dream away like this?"
"He would want me to be happy!" Julia said, sounding angry now. "Stephen makes me happy and I make him happy. We love each other and I am not going to fucking lose him!"
I couldn't keep listening to their conversation like this and decided to walk back inside, feeling strangely dazed from the shift from blind panic to relief in such a short time. When Julia returned with her friends, I couldn’t stop staring at her. For a moment, I’d thought I had lost her. But I hadn’t. She was right here with me and I marveled at her beauty, grace, and zest for life, so happy that she was staying. She drank more than usual but the alcohol only made her more vibrant with shining eyes and rosy cheeks as she danced the night away, the perfect picture of youth and lightheartedness. She didn't seem affected by the conversation that I had stumbled upon outside and I was happy to see that she laughed and talked with Megan and Sophia as though nothing had occurred. The matter seemed forgotten.
But of course it wasn't.
Sophia sidled up to me while I was standing at the bar watching my lovely girlfriend dance circles around my brother.
"She's not going anywhere," she said out of nowhere and took a sip of my beer, something which might have seemed rude, but which really made me warm on the inside that we were so familiar with one another now.
I turned and looked at her.
"You've been watching her like you're scared that she'll vanish into thin air in front of you," Sophia continued. "You know, don't you?"
I nodded.
"She's staying here. Did you know that?"
I nodded again. "I overheard you talking outside before," I admitted.
"She's staying here for you, Stephen," Sophia said pointedly. "Just for you."
"Is that so bad?" I asked. "I…I love her, Sophia. More than anything."
Her eyes softened.
"Have you ever heard the expression 'If you love something, let it go’?"
"It's 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours. If they don't, they never were,’ " I corrected automatically. "Richard Bach, American novelist."
I stopped and processed the words I had just quoted. "Oh.”
"I don't want you two to break up," Sophia said quickly. "But I'm worried that Jules isn't even considering her options because she's so scared of losing you."
She looked up at me. "I mean, if she decided to go, would you dump her?"
"No!" I said, much too loudly.
Sophia grinned. "I didn't think you would. Just…talk to her, OK, Stephen?" She turned and looked at Julia, who was laughing and dancing.
"She's finally able to go," she said. "She took care of her granddad for a long time and sacrificed a lot because she loved him so much. She’s always put everyone else first. She's free to do anything now. Please just talk to her. Make her be honest with you. Find out what she really wants, all right?"
I nodded solemnly. "All right."
Julia caught my eye, ran over, and jumped into my arms to kiss me. She seemed so happy and I hoped that Sophia was mistaken. The rest of the night went by quickly and before I knew it we were headed home in a taxi.
"Did you have a good time tonight, sweetheart?" I asked, kissing Julia's hair. She was leaning against me with her head on my shoulder, looking sleepy and a little inebriated.
"Mmm…the best," she mumbled and tried to fight her way out of her seatbelt to get closer to me. Thankfully, she gave up the struggle after a few seconds and kept it on.
"I'm glad," I whispered and tried to forget the things that Sophia had said to me. After we got home and Julia freshened up in the bathroom, she perked up and made tea for us while I watched her move around my kitchen with the ease of someone who was clearly used to being there. She did want to be here.
But why hasn't she told me about the scholarship?
"Julia?"
"Yeah?" She looked at me and smiled.
"You're, um, happy…right?"
"Of course," she answered immediately.
"And…you feel fulfilled?"
"Fulfilled?" she grinned. "Why are you being weird?"
"Sorry." I chuckled. "I didn't mean to be…weird."
"What's going on with you?" she asked and carried our mugs into the living room, where we sat down on the couch.
I took her hand and laced our fingers. Hers was so small in mine and I kissed the back of it gently.
"Stephen?" she asked. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I assured her. "I just…I know about the Fulbright." I needed to know why she hadn't told
me.
"Oh," she said quietly. "You saw it in one of the newsletters?"
"No, I heard two students talking about it at the club," I said, deciding to be completely truthful. "And then I, uh, I overheard you talking to Megan and Sophia about it. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, it just sort of happened." I was surprised when she gave me a smile.
"I'm glad," she said, sounding relieved. "Then you already know I'm not going."
"Yeah, I heard you say that," I admitted. "It's a huge honor to win, though, sweetheart. Congratulations."
"It's no big deal," she said dismissively.
"Yes, it is—why didn't you tell me?" I asked.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I only found out a few days ago and I didn't know what to say, really. It's not like I even wanted to go."
"Really? You applied with no desire to go?" I asked, watching her closely.
"Yeah," she said. "I only applied as sort of a joke. Just to see if I was good enough. I knew I wouldn't ever actually go. I mean, I couldn't possibly leave the country when I had Pops to take care of."
"But you don't anymore," I reminded her, unnecessarily.
"No, but I still can't just up and leave," she insisted, as though the matter had been decided ages ago. "Besides, I've already been to Europe."
"Yes, but this isn't some backpacking trip after high school," I argued. "This is a really prestigious study opportunity."
"So what?" she said lightly. "Why are we even talking about this? I don't want to go."
Her eyes met mine for a brief second before she looked away.
Oh God.
There it was: the lie. Julia could never tell a convincing lie, at least not to me. She did want to go and she wasn't being truthful right now. I hadn't realized it outside the club because I couldn't see her face, but it was obvious now and my heart constricted painfully when confronted with the truth. I knew what I had to do, but I really didn't want to do it.
"You should go."
Her eyes widened. "What?"
My sentiments exactly. What am I saying?
"You should go," I said again. "It's your dream. It’s an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. I heard you talking with the girls. I know how long you've wanted this."