Savage Saviors: The Complete Boxset (Savage Saviors MC)

by J. C. Allen

  Not when we were so close to ending all this. Not when these nightmares would be pages on the story of my life and not actual, ongoing events to worry about. Not when Derek might actually die tonight.

  “I’m so sorry, Derek,” I said, averting my gaze as I indirectly dodged the question. “Just a bad dream, I guess. Nothing more… no, nothing more.”

  “Must’ve been a really bad dream. You were screaming, Eve,” he said as his hands captured my face and lifted my head, looking me in the eye. “I hope you’re OK.”

  He seemed to be searching me for answers and seemed to know there was something I wasn’t telling him.

  Much as I wanted to look away, I forced myself to look back, refusing to let myself believe he could see the truth behind my eyes; refusing to let on how bad things were in my head. Things were bad enough in the real world that to be dumping all the bad that was in there into the mix just felt cruel to Derek’s workload.

  I had to keep it contained. I had to stay strong for Derek. For the time being, at least, I had to do what I could so that he could do what he needed to do. He’d worked so hard to be strong for me, and I wouldn’t let him shoulder this on his own. I could do this, could be just as strong for him.

  I had to. There was no other alternative.

  I just… I had to!

  “What’s going on, baby?” he asked, his voice pleading me to tell him. “Baby, please… you can tell me anything.”

  Damnit, Derek, stop. You’re making me want to tell you everything. Even when I shouldn’t.

  How could I though? How could I tell him that him killing my brother hadn’t been as easy as I pretended it was? How could I let him know that I was terrified about having to fight again?

  Having to kill again?

  I wasn’t so naïve as to believe that there wouldn’t be more killing. I’d come to accept the violence in this world. I hadn’t had much of a choice in that regard.

  But it had never been my violence. As a whore for the Black Falcons, I’d been the victim of violence—I’d been beaten and raped enough by Rock alone, and Lord knew he hadn’t been the only one—and, bad as that had been, there was a degree of freedom in knowing that I wasn’t a part of that world. I could stomach being a victim so long as I could keep myself from being on the other end of that line of violence. At least I knew that I wasn’t a rapist, that I wasn’t an abuser, that I wasn’t a killer.

  But now I was a killer.

  And I was likely to continue to be so.

  In a single… no, in multiple acts of desperation, I’d stepped over that line, and it had felt like something black and unholy had been left within me ever since. And now it was like the entire world expected me to let that black, unholy thing consume me entirely! It was like, now that I’d pulled the trigger once, I was expected to go on being a killer…

  Or, at the very least, like I’d be forced to be a killer yet again.

  And worst of all, it came from the people I trusted, loved, and believed in the most.

  “Yeah. Y’know, li’l target practice, couple of trusty self-defense moves… stuff like that. It’ll give ‘er somethin’ to do while yer out playin’ biker boy, an’—who knows?—it might even come in handy, right?”

  Matty had sounded so casual, so blasé, about the subject of teaching me to hurt other people. And, bad as that was, it wasn’t the worst part.

  No. That was far from being the worst part.

  Because, much as I wanted to resent the world and others for how casually they treated the subject of me learning to hurt others more effectively…

  I couldn’t.

  Because…

  I liked the idea.

  I liked the idea of turning the tides, of being the one to hurt others instead of being the one getting hurt. I liked the idea of being the one with the gun instead of being the one staring down the barrel of one. I liked the idea of killing everyone who had ever put me in this spot…

  I had talked for so long about wanting to get rid of Chuck, but it had never felt real. And while I never got that chance, killing Tyler had unlocked a part of me I never… well, a part of me knew I had it inside me, but most of me just pretended I wasn’t capable of it.

  But I knew the truth now.

  And, God help me, that was the worst part.

  Because no one should like that sort of thing.

  But it’s better than the alternative. Better to kill than to be killed. What could be more simple of a law of nature than that?

  I shivered, felt a whimper wriggle free of my aching throat, and I slumped against Derek. A fresh series of sobs were boiling up inside me, and I wanted to stifle them in his chest rather than have to face him through my increasingly blurring vision.

  Why the fuck should I feel so awful for pulling the trigger on everyone who had hurt me? Why should I feel bad about killing members of the Black Falcons? Why should I feel such guilt for that?

  For all that they’d done! For making me feel so weak and insignificant! For making me… for making me nothing…

  Why the fuck should I care? Why shouldn’t I like it?

  Because I always thought it would be Derek pulling the trigger when the time came.

  And now, it has to be you if you want to ensure your survival.

  Sure, I’d known there would be dangers.

  I’d just never imagined that I’d be dangerous.

  And realizing just how dangerous I could be—realizing just how good it felt to be dangerous—scared the ever-loving shit out of me.

  But…

  I couldn’t tell Derek that.

  I couldn’t tell him how all this was affecting me.

  Because if I did, not only would it burden him, I feared he would want to protect me even more from the darkness. I couldn’t just tell him that a part of me relished the violent revenge—I would have to also say that I hated that I relished such violence. And, well, Derek being the good man that he is, he would refuse to let me help in any way other than remaining a prisoner of security.

  And if that happened, maybe I wouldn’t be there to pull the trigger the next time he needed me as I had with Tyler. Maybe nobody would be.

  Maybe, next time, he’d die because he was trying to protect me by keeping me away.

  And I could not let that happen.

  I would get over this.

  I had to get over this.

  “I’m alright, I promise,” I said, offering a soft smile. “It really wasn’t that bad of a dream. Maybe something I ate last night or something. You know how these things can combine together to make some pretty nasty combos.”

  “Something you ate?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

  It was too obvious that he didn’t believe me. But it was also perhaps too obvious that Derek would not press me on these kinds of things, perhaps believing that my past and my darkness was too much to verbalize in times of stress.

  It wasn’t the most inaccurate assumption.

  “Well, since we ate the same thing, I hope I don’t come down with whatever you have.”

  “Don’t tease me,” I said, pouting and slapping him gently on the arm.

  “Alright, alright,” he said, grinning that heart-stopping smile at me.

  I couldn’t help but smile back at him. He may have known that I was full of it and not telling anything, but I appreciated enough that he was putting it to the side for now.

  “So, what’s the plan today?” I asked. “Now that we’ve, well, had something of a chance to recover.”

  Again, it was… kind of true. True enough, anyways.

  “First: we have to make a pit stop at the shop,” Derek started. “Then, while you were sleeping, I thought about your suggestion to stay in. And while it made some sense, I think that’s giving up too much power to uncontrollable circumstances. So, with that in mind, you and I are going to go on a date.”

  “A date?” I said in disbelief. Granted, he wasn’t exactly calling me a liar, but my words weren’t wrong either. “At that t
ime of night? Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “I think it’s a perfect idea, Eve,” Derek said, sliding out of bed. “We won’t let Falcon and his club stop us from living. That’s how we let the Black Falcons win. Got it?”

  That seemed way too simple of an assumption.

  But, then again, just as going after Falcon was suicide without extreme planning, the Falcons had to know that going after Derek without an intense amount of planning was also extraordinarily dangerous. This wasn’t the type of violence I was looking for, but with Derek by my side, it did feel pretty safe.

  “Alright,” I said, agreeing with the sentiment but still concerned. “And then?”

  “Then I’ll go on the first wild goose chase,” he grinned, saying the words from earlier in a high-pitched, mocking tone, teasing himself.

  “Very funny, Derek.”

  “I thought so,” he said, shrugging playfully. “Anyway, Roost’s waiting for us, so we should probably get a move on.”

  For the briefest of moments, I thought of grabbing him back to me and using sex as a means to keep him here. I didn’t want to see us going out, risking a shootout without security, and all of that.

  But I was still tired. And frankly, the depressing dream had suffocated my libido a little bit. It wouldn’t take long to come back, but for right now, I just wasn’t really in the mood.

  Instead, I got out of bed, still fully dressed, and followed Derek back down the elevator.

  We got to the shop with relative ease, the late afternoon traffic having died down, the calm before the rush hour storm. Derek parked his motorcycle at the side of the building and helped me off. I smiled at the gesture.

  Despite all the times that we’d rode together—despite the fact that I was more than capable of dismounting on my own—he still made an effort to help me off the bike every time we rode. Even though it was a little thing, just a small gesture, it left a big impact. It made me feel loved.

  Between that and the freedom that I always celebrated whenever I rode with Derek, I was feeling much better than I had upon awakening. The drive had helped, and I was glad that I was feeling back to myself by the time we walked through the shop’s doors. Granted, I wasn’t all the way back, but I was back enough that if this was taking place in our apartment—our… apartment. Feels weird to say but…—I would have had something to do about it in bed.

  Matty stepped forward, peeling off what looked to be a pair of clunky, giant headphones off his head. I glanced over, noticing that the ear muffs were a lot more heavy-duty than any of the headphones I’d seen before.

  “What were you listening to?” I asked.

  Matty looked at me askance, pulled off the headphones when I pointed to them, and busted out laughing. It was a sweet laugh, and even Derek chuckled a bit.

  “Oh, man, haven’t got that one before,” Derek said with a smirk.

  “Never been to a shooting range, have ya?” Matty asked.

  “No, I don’t have much experience with guns,” I admitted. “Well, not until recently.”

  I saw Derek grimace at that and display feelings of guilt. I took his hand in mine, squeezing gently. I had to remind him that this wasn’t his fault.

  I had already been thrown into this world before I’d even met him. And now, I chose to stay in this world. To stay with Derek, I would do whatever it took.

  “Ain’t a big deal at all, sweetheart,” Matty said. “I suppose it’ll be makin’ things fun, startin’ ya from scratch. Naw dear, these here cover yer ears. If ya ever wanna hear Derek say somethin’ dumb again, ya better wear ‘em when yer shootin’ here.”

  “Here?” I said in surprise, though I guess I shouldn’t have been. It’s not like Matty was wearing those for fashion. “Do you have a shooting range in here?”

  “Not an official one, no,” Matty shrugged. “But I was able to rig one up easy enough.”

  “Wait a sec, shooting lessons?” Derek said. “I thought you said—”

  “I didn’t say nothin’ Derek, and don’tcha throw me under yer damn bus,” Matty said. “Cut it with the macho shit. Ya said earlier ya wanted Eve to learn self-defense, well, here we are. Eve needs to know this, Derek. Especially with Falcon and his crew out there. Ya know as well as I do that this ain’t over. Far from it, if Falcon has any say.”

  “I guess,” Derek said, rubbing his hand over his neck. “I just thought you might have more relevant updates.”

  “Bah,” Matty said with a snort. “This is relevant!”

  “I know, but… I just can’t imagine that Eve actually wants to do this, you know? We had date plans, I just figured we’d make a quick stop. Think she’d rather—”

  “I want to learn.”

  Both Matty and Derek stared at me. Matty’s face filled with pride, where Derek’s was a mixture of pride and fear.

  “For real?” Derek said.

  “For real,” I said, deciding the less I said, the less I’d freak everyone out.

  Matty was right, having confirmed all of my suspicions. With everything going on, I had to learn how to use a gun. Even if I still wasn’t comfortable with the thought, I needed to protect myself and I couldn’t rely on Derek all the time.

  Matty nodded, seeming to decide that no more needed to be said, and turned back to where he’d come from.

  “Seriously, for real?” Derek said. “I just thought it was something that you felt you had to do, not something you wanted to do.”

  I was surprised to note that my reply was not something to assuage him, but a challenge.

  “Are you going to stop me?”

  Derek, too, didn’t seem to have anticipated this, because his eyes went wide.

  “Just want you to be safe.”

  Realizing that perhaps the agitation of the dream was still getting to me, I smiled and squeezed his hand once more.

  “This will make me safe. I want to be safe. I don’t want to shoot for the sake of shooting. I want to shoot to be safe.”

  Derek nodded, looked over to where Matty had gone, and led me in that direction.

  I noticed that Derek seemed as confused as I was about where this supposed gun range was. I wondered just how recent this new “addition” was to the shop.

  “She ain’t much,” Matty said. “But she gonna suffice.”

  Matty opened the door to a room that looked to be an old storage closet. Inside, he’d set up two small booths built from what appeared to be old book shelves. On the far side of the wall, two long sheets of paper hung from the wall in front of both booths, and on the paper was a print out of a human outline with white dots that I imagined was used for targeting.

  The answer to “how recent was this” was, apparently, five minutes ago.

  Matty moved to a small table and picked up a smaller pair of the headphones he’d been wearing and handed them over. I looked at them, as if uncertain that I actually had to put those on.

  “To protect yer ears, girly,” Matty said, shaking his head. “Ain’t ya never even watched a movie with a shooting range in it? Plenty of cop flicks out there show ‘em like this!”

  “I have,” I protested. “But they weren’t shooting at people though… and I just didn’t recognize what you were wearing. Besides, we won’t have these in battle, no?”

  “Jes’ make sure to secure ‘em on yer head,” Matty instructed. “And ya may not have ‘em in battle, but ain’t no use in killin’ yer ears when ya don’t have to. Not like yer using that bat sense with them ears.”

  “Radar?”

  “Yeh, sure.”

  I heard Derek stifling a laugh as Matty helped me to one of the booths as I secured the ear muffs to my head. As soon as they were on, I was surprised to notice how little I could hear. They really did stifle quite a bit of the noise of the outside world.

  Part of me found a strange peace in the new pseudo-silence; another part realized just how loud my thoughts could be without outside noise to distract them. I wasn’t sure how much they’d block out, b
ut I suddenly had to focus on hearing Matty at that moment. Matty only stared for a moment before pulling one of the muffs off.

  “Put these on after I instruct ya, okay?” he said, talking slowly to me.

  I felt my cheeks flood with heat, embarrassed at how dumb I must have looked. I glanced over, seeing Derek preparing in the other booth. He gave me a reassuring nod and then glanced over at Matty.

  “Be nice to her, Roost,” he ordered.

  “Do yer own work, Derek, ya act like I ain’t ever speak to a lady before” Matty said before then turning to me. “I know it’s kinda scary, right?”

  I would never say it out loud, but something about Matty could reassure me so much more than how Derek could. Maybe it was because Matty truly was like a big papa bear, making sure his little cubs were taking care of, whereas Derek was more of a partner than a protector. Not that Derek wasn’t, but I never had to worry about Matty being a certain way.

  “Kind of,” I said, glancing down, surprised at how easy it was to tell Matty that. “I want to be strong, but I don’t want to kill. Does that… does that make me weak?”

  “I get it, girlie, and don’t worry, Derek won’t let ya shoot any more than necessary,” Matty said. “Boy is maybe a little too protective, if ya ask me. And it ain’t make ya weak. If anything, yer stronger than that cat over there. He more likely to piss his pants and cry than ya ever were or are.”

  “Thanks, Matty,” I said, chuckling softly at his mocking of Derek. “I get it.”

  “There’s a smile,” Matty said, smiling in return. “Alright, let’s show ya how to shoot all proper-like.”

  It didn’t take long before Matty had me familiar with the gun and its parts. He took it slow, but even still, I was surprised at how patient he was as he showed me everything, especially considering how little patience he seemed to have for Derek. Although, to be fair, I think that was more of a function of their relationship than Derek being a fool, despite anything Matty may have said.

  After Matty finished showing me everything and was confident in letting me shoot, I slid the ear muffs on fully. I positioned myself, facing the target, and lifted the gun. I slid off the safety as Matty had shown me and aimed towards the head. After I had what I felt to be a good aim, I slid my finger over the trigger, preparing for the slight recall Matty warned me about.