Later, Shai collapsed in despair, and started to ransack his mattress. He made holes in the foam along its length and width; every once in a while, he would produce a moan of hope, a cry of joy, then thump the mattress in disappointment. Assaf and Tamar watched him, motionless. Assaf thought, He doesn’t care at all that I’m here – he’s completely indifferent to the fact that someone else has joined Tamar, he’s interested in just one thing. Tamar thought it was interesting – how long would Assaf be able to handle this insanity? When would he say goodbye and break away, or just disappear without saying a word? At one point, when she was busy with Shai, she could feel through her back that Assaf was at the mouth of the cave. She took a quick glance backward and saw him standing up straight for a moment, stretching to his full height, inhaling the cool night air. She willed herself not to look, to give him one more chance to take another step outside, and another, and disappear. What does he need any of this for, she thought. Why would any normal human being get involved in this? People who were closer to her disappeared in situations that were a lot easier to deal with than this. Afterward, when she heard his quiet humming behind her as he took a water bottle from her, or the dirty clothes, or whatever was burdening her at that moment, her body coursed with gentle streams of warmth.
Shai pulled himself up with difficulty and crawled on all fours to one corner of the cave. He tried to claw through the hard earth; for a few minutes, only the sounds of his digging and his quick gasps could be heard. They couldn’t take their eyes off him; it was like watching a nightmare while awake. He dug quickly; grains of dirt flew behind him; strange growls escaped his mouth. But suddenly he cocked his head. His eyes sparkled at them along with a mischievous, but totally sane, smile. ‘Will you at least tell me if I’m hot or cold?’
And the three of them burst into rolling, surprised laughter, like three kids at summer camp. Shai laughed, too; for a blink of an eye, he could see himself as he looked from the outside. He waggled his behind at them, and Tamar fell down, lay on her back, exhausted by the tension of the past scene, stretched her arms, and laughed until tears came to her eyes; through her tears, she peeked at Assaf. He had a sweet, masculine laugh.
Later, the pain returned; Shai claimed that all the bones in his body were falling apart from the pain, he could feel them crushed and crackling, his muscles tearing – this is what he said – dividing, shrinking, and curling up inside his body. He didn’t know he had muscles in so many places – behind his ears, for example, in his gums; Tamar, who could still recall how, at home, he was able to describe every passing stomachache in whiny detail, had to overcome the repulsion that the description itself – not the pain – aroused in her. She tried to take his mind off it, to cheer him up a little. She spoke about the diaphragm, which is a kind of a muscle there is no way to actually feel, and still, you can’t sing without it. She impersonated Halina for him, ordering Tamar to ‘support! Support from the diaphragm!’ She performed a whole routine of Halina, and how she would react when she heard about Tamar singing in the streets. ‘Oh really? And they liked it? Very interesting . . . but tell me, how could you sing so high after Kurt Weill? You could never do that for me; after you sing Kurt Weill for me, you always take a break . . .’ Shai didn’t laugh. Assaf laughed a lot. In spite of how serious he looked, Tamar saw it was easy to make him laugh. She enjoyed doing it. She thought that Idan had never laughed at her jokes; perhaps he didn’t even have a sense of humor. And Assaf discovered the dimple Theodora had told him about and started to piece together what Tamar had been doing on the streets over the last month. He wondered if he would ever hear her sing; he decided to start following concert advertisements in the newspapers, and if he found her name, he would – then the bubble of his illusions burst: he was only dreaming. He didn’t even know her full name! But he didn’t have time to lose heart, because Shai started hallucinating about some maggot, he called it the ‘craving,’ and it was crawling through him, sucking him up from the inside; he felt it crawling, devouring his flesh with every turn. He thought he was falling apart completely, into organs, muscle fibers, cells, in its mouth. His legs ran away from himself, he started convulsing severely; then his hands flew off. Assaf saw it and couldn’t believe it; the long, skinny body looked as if it were tearing itself apart in shuddering spasms. Tamar lay on him and held him down forcibly; Assaf saw the small, almondlike muscles in her arms, and just as Theodora promised, his heart simply flapped its wings and flew to her. She didn’t stop talking to Shai, telling him she loved him, and that she would help him, that in a day or two it would be over and a new life would begin. In the tangle of arms and legs, Shai suddenly went limp and fell asleep.
She rolled off him. Not a drop of energy was left in her. There were sweat stains under her armpits, and stains of Shai’s vomit and urine on her overalls. Assaf could smell her, and knew that she could smell him, too. She lay down, watching Assaf with those wide-open eyes of hers, eyes that saw too much. She had the feeling that she was completely naked to him here, and she didn’t care; and she didn’t have the strength to understand what was happening to her. At first, for instance, it bothered her that Assaf could see Shai naked, because of the damage to Shai’s own privacy; but also because she herself was exposed along with her brother’s flesh: it was the material from which she, too, was made. After a few hours she had gotten used to it. Now she tried to sleep. She heard Assaf getting up quietly, going to the mouth of the cave. She examined herself and couldn’t find, anywhere, the tremor of anxiety over whether he would run away; they’d probably crossed some border together, she thought. He went out, his body swallowed by the darkness. Dinka sat up and looked, too. One minute passed, and another. Tamar thought, bravely, that it was very good for him to get some fresh air, even go for a little walk; perhaps he even went to take a piss. Another minute passed. She heard no footsteps from the outside. Tamar told herself that she would always be grateful for what he had done, even if he didn’t come back. Then she thought, with wonder, that she didn’t know his full name. Dinka’s tail started thumping, raising dust from the ground. The form of Assaf’s body reappeared from the darkness. Dinka lay back down, and Tamar began breathing again. He came and lay alongside her, across the mattress, not touching her. She felt what pleasure there is even in good breathing; she heard his quiet breath by her side, and for some reason, it made her happy to hear him. She thought it was a strange way to get to know someone, to make friends with someone, because this is what is happening between us, she thought cautiously, we’re somehow becoming friends, getting closer to each other. It wasn’t very clear how it was happening – almost without words, without any concrete knowledge – without anything happening. Now that he was lying so close to her, she was even amused by how little she knew about him. Where did he live? Where did he go to school? Did he have friends or a girlfriend? All these facts were unknown to her, and still, she felt that there was something about him which she already knew – something clear, solid, which, for the time being, was also enough for her.
There were also moments when it hurt – it was all mixed up. Something, perhaps something new, was happening here – at a time when she had to be completely devoted to Shai, with no distractions. She was too tired to clarify for herself what the precise problem was – at any other time, she would rush to sharpen such a conclusion, sharp as a knife, but at the moment, she didn’t have the power or the desire to do so. She only felt a certain disjunction within her: as if Shai was becoming, for a time, only the reason for this new connection. There – she had managed to figure it out, after all. She got scared, sat up for a moment, looked around the cave. She saw the fluorescent camp light blink and fade. She checked that Shai was sleeping, that Dinka was sleeping, that Assaf was looking at her. She lay back down. More than anything, it was disturbing to think that Shai couldn’t even understand what was floating through the air around him – or perhaps it was all just in her imagination? Perhaps it was another romantic fantasy and Assaf wasn’t in
terested at all? Perhaps he was just a good guy who decided to help her out? In her terrible fatigue, she rolled over – her hand hit Assaf’s chest. Oh sorry. Never mind. For a moment I forgot you were here. Where else would I be? I’m falling asleep a little, is that okay? Sleep. You haven’t slept at all in the last two days, have you? I don’t really remember. I don’t think so. Sleep. I’ll be awake.
When he told her to sleep, told her he would stay awake, when he so gently, delicately, took on the burden of standing guard – no, it was better not to think about that now. For a moment, she was almost tempted to expose the terrible weight that had her by the throat, to tell him everything that had happened to her since she had begun her journey, and what she had endured here in the cave with Shai during the first two days, because if there is a hell, she thought, it was here during those two days alone with him, before Assaf came. But she felt that if she even opened her mouth a peep, allowed another tiny scratch in her armor, a stream would burst from her that could take her apart in a minute. She shouldn’t do it yet, she shouldn’t. Besides, she told herself, panicking slightly, she hardly knew him, really.
She turned on her side, facing him, smelling his sweat, and thought how much fun it would be to take a shower after all this was over. Perhaps they would meet again, after all this had passed, when it was all over, in the outside world. In a coffeehouse, perhaps; they could show up, all washed and clean and perfumed, and tell each other who they really were. Perhaps she would buy him some expensive deodorant as a funny thank-you gift. Here, again, she wasn’t thinking about Shai, she was letting herself daydream, as if someone always had to be a sacrifice, she thought, so that others would be able to start something new. What are you talking about? she scolded herself. What do you mean, something new? He’s not even thinking about anything involving you. She fell asleep, as she was, muddled by those confusing thoughts, lying on the ground.
Assaf sat up and watched her sleep, his heart overflowing. He wanted to cover her, wipe the dust from her face, do something good for her. The best thing he could do was not to wake her, so he didn’t move, only watched her, endlessly thinking how beautiful she was. She moaned and curled up on her side, her head resting on her folded hands. She had long, delicate fingers; a thin silver chain, almost invisible, encircled her dirty ankle. He looked at her and couldn’t be satisfied. He talked to her in his head, conducting a lively conversation: You know, I’ve never seen eyes like yours; Yes, I’ve been told that here and there. By the by, do you know how I got them to be like this? From looking at the world with wonder? Oh, it’s impossible to be with you! You read absolutely everything, didn’t you? No, just a few pages here and there. It’s not fair that you know all those things about me and I don’t know a thing about you! Would you, for example, be willing to let me read your diary? I don’t have a diary. But if you did? If I did? Yes, if you did, would you, would you be willing? What do you need my diary for when for you I’d recite the whole thing?
She opened her eye a crack and saw him smiling to himself, his fingers clasped together like a child making a wish, and she fell peacefully back to sleep. Assaf stood up, stretched. At some point, he thought, no later than tomorrow, he would have to call Rhino and his parents in America before Rhino alerted the entire Israeli police force. The thought annoyed him – the outside world was sending a cold hand in, tapping him on the shoulder, again raising the question of how to tell Rhino about Reli. It seemed even more complicated now, and he didn’t know why: perhaps because until now, he realized, he couldn’t even begin to grasp what Rhino felt toward his sister. Perhaps. But perhaps it was hard for Reli to deal with Rhino as well. He stood up in the fluorescent light, which was dwindling away. He searched through the cave, found the bag with batteries that Tamar had prepared – he could tell at once that she had bought the wrong batteries. He remembered how he always, in his heart, had blamed Reli for not loving Rhino enough; it was always so clear to him, to everyone, actually, that Rhino loved her so much more than she loved him – you couldn’t even compete with all his love and care and generosity toward her. He searched between the groceries and canned food, found a few packages of cookies closed with wire twist ties, and started to peel the plastic wrap off them. He was uncomfortable with his thoughts. For example, Rhino repeated and talked about missing Reli so much, it had become a ritual, some unavoidable part of their conversations; Assaf could repeat, by heart, word for word, Rhino’s moanings over Reli: how he had lost her, what a fatal mistake it was not to press her into marrying him right after the army, what an idiot he was to agree to her decision to go to America. He pulled the wires from the plastic wrap and twisted them together into two long strands. He pulled out a roll of black tape from his jeans (‘Electrician’s tape is also like a handkerchief,’ his father would say); then he placed the six little batteries side by side, minus to plus and plus to minus, taped the wires to the batteries, and taped the ends of the wires to the lamp. And to tell the truth, it was okay to do that now – they never, in all their conversations, actually spoke about Reli herself, about how she felt, Assaf thought. His heart ached and he didn’t know why, or because of whom, and he felt nervous, felt that he might be betraying Rhino with these thoughts. Instead, he considered what would happen now to Rhino, and how he would stand the news from America, how he would go on living when he discovered that the woman he loved wouldn’t stay with him.
When he opened his eyes (he must have fallen asleep without noticing it), Shai wasn’t in the cave. In a blink, Assaf jumped up, wondering whether he should wake Tamar; not yet, he decided. He whistled quietly to Dinka and went outside. It was almost light; a pink stripe stretched through the skies from the east. Assaf ran, Dinka by his side; he tried one direction and found nothing; tried another direction, nothing there, either. He stayed as calm as he could, knowing that Shai, in his condition, couldn’t go far. Only this knowledge let him postpone the court-martial he had brought against himself. Dinka ran before him, searching, sniffing. Assaf trusted her more than he trusted himself. He ran after her. Only now did he notice how, since coming here, Dinka had stepped aside, as if she felt her job had ended the moment she introduced him to Tamar. In the middle of their desperate running, he called her to him, bent over her, stroked her fur, and pressed her head against his, their scents mingling together, and she stood still, absorbing him again – and again they turned to run.
A truck passed in the road above them; Assaf got scared: Shai mustn’t get to the road; he’d get run over, and if he didn’t get run over, he’d hitchhike to the city, and once there, he’d manage to find a fix, and the first full three days of withdrawal, all that effort, would have been for nothing. There was also a worse scenario: the moment Shai got to the city, whoever was searching for him would discover him. Assaf started sweating all of a sudden; he wanted to kill himself for falling asleep and letting Tamar down.
Shai was standing on the slope, by a bold pine tree, hunched over, green splashes dribbling from his mouth. Assaf ran to him and caught him just before he fell. Shai’s eyes were already rolling back in his head, and still he muttered to Assaf not to stop him now, that he had to get to the road. He even offered Assaf money, a bribe, if he told him where Tamar had hidden the fix. Assaf put his arm between Shai’s legs and hoisted him over his shoulders, the way you carry an injured man, walked back with him to the bottom of the valley, found the little hill, and slid back into the cave. A moment before they went in, Shai pressed forcefully on Assaf’s neck, making him stop. ‘Do me a favor, please – if she is asleep, don’t tell her I left. Please, don’t tell her, don’t tell her,’ he begged. Assaf thought about it for a moment: his loyalty to Tamar versus Shai’s passionate desire not to disappoint her. ‘Okay. But this is the last time you try to run away.’ Shai moved his long fingers – it was probably a yes. Assaf laid him back down on the mattress, arranging his thin limbs as if he were arranging a rag doll. Tamar heard their movement by her and woke up. She opened her eyes, stretched with pleasure
, momentarily forgetful. ‘Mmmm . . . I slept so much . . . Hey, you, why are you up?’ Assaf was silent. Shai looked at him pleadingly. Assaf shrugged. ‘Nothing. I just wanted to stretch a little.’ Tamar smiled at him, a sweet morning smile. Shai, from his mattress, fluttered his eyelids at him as a thank you. A spark of pure, living emotion passed through his murky eyes, and Assaf smiled back at him. Tamar saw the exchange of looks; she closed her eyes and thought maybe everything would work out after all.
The new day that shone was a little easier than the previous one. Shai suffered less, but was still moved to spend hours searching for his fix in the mattress and the corners of the cave. He was certain that he had seen the missing fix yesterday, had actually seen it, only now it was hard for him to remember where. Assaf and Tamar had stopped answering his repeated questions. They massaged his legs regularly to alleviate the pain and get the blood circulating. Every hour they made him take a few sips of water, and sometimes Assaf had to hold him down so that Tamar would be able to pour a few drops into his mouth with a baby dropper. When she did that, he looked like a sick, overgrown chick. When her eyes met Assaf’s, she knew he was now seeing the same picture, in exactly the same way, perhaps even in the same words, and felt a slight tingling, as if, for the blink of an eye, she had peeked into Assaf’s innermost being. It struck her what she used to think, that she was missing the Lego part in her soul that could connect her to another person. Perhaps this matter, too, now requires some reexamination, she thought.
Someone to Run With Page 16