by June Taylor
‘You okay with all that?’ Chrissy gently brushed the hair out of her eyes, and Eloise gave a shrug. But actually her mother was right. She had to be okay with it because this was the truth she had asked for. There was just so much of the stuff.
‘Am I talking to myself again?’ Juliet said in a sing-song voice. ‘Has anyone seen my cigarettes?’
‘Come on, we’d better go or she’ll think we’ve left the country,’ said Chrissy. ‘She’ll be going demented without her fags.’
Eloise managed a smile.
***
Sleep was an ordeal that night. First, her ankle was throbbing. Then when she did drift off, Eloise was plagued by nightmares; her mother, heavily pregnant, being led away in handcuffs; the businessman creeping in, climbing on top of Eloise, leering at her as he had surely done to Juliet. Chrissy clutching a shard of glass, her hands covered in blood, come to save her. When morning finally arrived, Eloise woke up in a cold sweat, bedclothes in a heap on the floor.
‘We’re taking a car to Siena today,’ said Juliet at breakfast, watching Eloise hobble to the table. ‘Do you fancy that?’
‘You look tired,’ Chrissy remarked, sounding apologetic.
‘Well, my ankle isn’t really up to it. But you two go. I’ll be fine just chilling here.’
‘No!’ said Chrissy. ‘I’ll stay and keep you company. You go, Juliet.’
‘Not on my own. How about Siena tomorrow then? Or the next day?’
Chrissy seemed to bristle. ‘We’ve not spent much time together, you and I. Have we, Eloise? Let me look after you.’
‘Told you I’ll be fine. I’m going back to bed.’
Eloise limped away again, to her room, praying that her plans would not be scuppered. Shortly after, Chrissy came to see her and sat down on the bed.
‘Are you sure you’ll be okay? We won’t be back till this evening.’
‘Hey, who put my cigarettes in the bin?’ they heard Juliet shout. Chrissy rolled her eyes.
‘That wasn’t you, was it?’ said Eloise.
‘Filthy habit anyway.’
‘Mum! Oh look, I’ll be fine, I can take care of myself. You go. It’ll be good for you and Juliet to spend the day together.’ Chrissy pulled a face. ‘At least give it a go. Please, Mum. For me.’
‘I’m worried about you.’
‘My foot’s okay.’
‘I meant with all the other stuff I’ve dumped on you, Eloise.’
‘It’s fine. I just need some space.’
Chrissy nodded. ‘Ring me, and I’ll head straight back.’
***
The murmur of a scooter engine gave her a brief moment of doubt. What was she doing, going off to the lake with a boy she didn’t know? Hadn’t she learned anything from Chrissy’s story?
After a final check in the mirror, shorts and T-shirt over her bikini, she headed out.
Nico revved the engine in a sort of mock-macho way, giving her a nod to take a seat behind him. His stomach felt firm, sliding her arms around his waist, and she caught a faint trace of horses through his musky scent. The dust kicked up in a swirl as they set off. They passed Marianna, who waved at them from the path. At least someone had seen them going off together.
But what if Marianna told her mother? Too late now.
It seemed no distance at all to the lake. As the track became rockier, Eloise was able to hold onto him tighter, breathing him in without his knowing. Now they were at a standstill she was suddenly struck by the seclusion of this place he had brought her to.
‘It is very nice here, no?’ he said, pulling out the kickstand with his foot. ‘Beautiful and calm.’
She nodded, taking in the view. A line of trees around the lake’s circumference made it seem bigger than it probably was. The blue-sky gaps in between the branches created the illusion it extended out further, to the hills beyond. Nico said it was deep towards the middle. There was no movement except for the tiny waves lapping at their feet. He pulled his T-shirt over his head then hurled himself into the water.
‘Is it cold?’ she shouted.
‘Come and see. Andiamo!’ He bounced down into a dive and disappeared.
Eloise stripped down to her bikini, tentative at first, but when Nico re-emerged and shook his hair into a shimmering waterwheel, she hurried herself along.
‘Come, Eloise! Come and swim.’
It was rocky underfoot and her ankle was still tender. Flip-flops would actually have been useful today, had she thought to bring them.
‘Allora,’ said Nico, pushing her head under. She felt him grab her legs, kicking out to swim away from him. He was faster, and came to a stop right in front of her, which forced her to tread water.
The sun danced on the ripples their fingers made.
They swam together for a while but he seemed to want to go much further out into the lake. She watched him fade into the distance before going to lie in the sun. Her towel was spread on the ground as she had left it. She removed her bikini top and lay down, closing her eyes, enjoying the frisson of water drying on her skin.
‘I love this lake,’ said Nico, suddenly standing over her, rubbing his arms on the towel.
‘God, you scared me!’
Eloise grabbed her T-shirt to cover herself, flipping swiftly onto her front. She could feel the drips from his body onto hers.
‘Were you sleeping?’ he said, tossing the towel aside, putting himself down next to her.
‘No.’
She moved up to make some room. He edged nearer, until they were almost touching. How could she stop this? Did she need to? She was desperate to put her T-shirt back on but didn’t dare move. In a moment of panic, she asked: ‘Do you have a girlfriend, Nico?’
It was as if someone else had said it. She was unable to look him in the eye after that.
He tutted. ‘I like to stay free, come il vento. Like the wind,’ he replied, threading his fingers through hers. ‘What about you, Eloise? Do you have a boyfriend?’
‘Me? Oh. Not really. Erm, no one serious.’
‘I am lucky, then, that you are here all alone.’
She let out a nervous laugh. ‘Not quite,’ she reminded him.
Her response left a dent in the conversation. She didn’t want him to think she was scared. ‘Still, it’s good to escape from those two,’ she added. ‘Driving me nuts.’ He looked confused. ‘Erm, folle? I’ve no idea in Italian. They make me crazy.’
‘Ah!’ he said. ‘So one of them is your mother? Mothers, they are always driving us crazy.’
If only he knew.
‘My mother, yes. And Juliet. She’s … a really old friend.’
This was how it would be from now on. She had to be careful, make sure she didn’t let slip, reveal too much. Not even to someone she wanted to get close to. She was trapped, burdened with her mother’s secret locked away inside her. She felt tears gather in her eyes.
‘Eloise, what is it?’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean … It’s just, I miss my dad sometimes. This is the first proper holiday I’ve been on since he died, and I sort of wish he was here instead of Juliet.’
This hadn’t even occurred to her until now, when it suited as an excuse. That made her feel even worse. Nico wiped away her tears with his towel. Then he sat up, tossing a stone into the water.
She took the opportunity to put her bikini top back on, fumbling with the clasp. Believing he was trying to help, she turned to make it easier for him. Instead, he removed it again, saying: ‘You’re more beautiful like that, Eloise.’
She smiled, shyly. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be working?’
‘I hardly tell anyone about the lake,’ Nico whispered. ‘It’s very special.’
Stroking her cheek, he moved his body in close again. Eloise thought he was going to kiss her, but his finger traced along her neck then down between her breasts. She drew breath sharply and closed her eyes. When she couldn’t stand it any longer she pressed her mouth against his, feeling her body being lo
wered onto the towel.
Eloise wasn’t sure who broke away first but it felt like they needed to. Nico sat up, staring out at the lake. Eloise curled onto her side, relieved to take a moment over what just happened.
‘Sometimes I come here at night to swim,’ he said. ‘You know, totally … erm, naked. Is that the word? Have you ever done that, Eloise?’
‘Yes. I mean, no.’ She slipped her T-shirt back on and sat up. He didn’t look at her. ‘What I mean is, naked is the correct word, but I’ve never done that.’
‘You should try it sometime. There is no better freedom.’
‘We call it skinny-dipping in English.’
‘Skinny?’
‘Dipping. I guess it’s like dipping your skin in the water.’
‘Hm. Well, you really should try it,’ he said, throwing another stone in. ‘So, do we ride horses tomorrow?’
‘Erm, yeah. I guess.’
‘Does that mean sì or no?’
‘It means sì.’
He pointed to her ankle.
‘It’s fine,’ she said.
He took hold of it, ran his hand up and down her calf, squeezing it gently. ‘It hurts?’
‘Not really. I put some ice on it, like you said.’
Nico stood up. ‘Another swim?’
‘Thanks. I’ll just watch.’
‘Very good. That way you can improve.’
Eloise reached out to grab his leg, but he was already on the move. She loved the way he attacked the water and swam into the middle of the lake like he owned it. Sinking into her daydream, she lost track of how long he’d been gone, and got a shock when the heat from the sun disappeared and he was standing over her again.
‘I must go now,’ he said as he dried himself. ‘But I can come back for you later. If you want me to.’
‘It’s okay,’ she replied, shielding her eyes so she could see him properly. He had stepped to one side and the sun was glaring into her face. ‘I’ll walk back when I’m ready.’
Eloise watched him get onto his Vespa. She hung on to the noise of the engine for as long as she could.
As the silence deepened, she removed her T-shirt and lay down on her towel. It wasn’t long before the remoteness of the place made her feel uneasy again.
***
The rest of the afternoon she lazed by the pool. It felt safer here than being at the lake by herself, and she was able to swim without getting out of her depth. As she dozed in the sun, she noticed that her body was sensitive to every touch. Even the sweep of the breeze across her skin.
‘She sleeps,’ a voice whispered in her ear.
Eloise felt a cold sensation on her back, the smell of sun cream, and strong hands massaging it into her skin. A hand slid underneath her bikini and out again.
‘Nico,’ she whispered.
He lowered himself onto her, his body pressing down, pushing her breasts into the towel. She could feel him between her buttocks.
‘Stop,’ she whispered, but she didn’t want him to.
He raised himself up so she could turn over onto her back. She smiled, gazing up at him. She wanted to stay like this forever. Suddenly her arms were pushed out wide, she felt his tongue zigzagging down her body. When he reached her stomach, her muscles tensed, creating a gap for his tongue to slide under the waistband of her bikini.
‘Nico, no.’
This time she really did want him to stop. Was that a car engine she had just heard? If Chrissy caught them like this, she would put her on the next plane to Manchester.
‘Nic.’
He stopped, laid down beside her, resting on his elbow and brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. ‘Sei bellissima, Eloise.’
She looked away. They had gone too far, too fast.
He made a grab for her phone that was resting on top of her book.
‘Hey, what are you doing?’
‘We can make a photo together,’ he said, moving in closer.
Eloise sat up, forgetting she was topless, and now it bothered her. ‘Sorry,’ she said, even though that was stupid. Covering herself with her T-shirt she took the phone and held it above their heads, trying to keep the T-shirt in place. ‘You’ll have to come a bit nearer,’ she directed.
Nico moved down, placing his arm round her shoulders.
‘Okay, now say Cheese Eloise.’
‘What? What is this cheese?’
‘It’s what my dad used to say to make us smile. Ready?’
‘Cheese Eloise!’ they shouted together, laughing.
CLICK.
Nico stood up. ‘See you tomorrow.’
‘Oh. Well, don’t you want to see the photo?’
‘I know it will be beautiful. Tomorrow we will ride into the hills. Together. Far away. Never come back.’
‘I’d like that.’
Definitely a car engine that time. Followed by the grinding of a handbrake.
‘Nico, you have to go!’
She put her bikini top back on as quickly as she could, smoothed down her hair, put on her shades, and by the time she heard footsteps coming down the stairs she had her nose in her book.
‘Ciao, ciao,’ shouted Juliet.
‘Gosh, you look like you’ve had a lot of sun, Eloise,’ said Chrissy, dumping her things on the table. ‘See how red your skin is. So how was it?’
Eloise felt a tiny bead of sweat trickle down her back. ‘How was what?’
‘Your day. Your ankle.’
‘Oh. All good, thanks. How was yours?’
‘Have to take you to Siena, Eloise,’ said Juliet, slipping out of her shoes and dangling them off one finger. ‘It’s the most divine place.’
Chrissy nodded, letting Juliet carry on with the description. The Duomo, Palazzo, Piazza del Campo, the Torre del Mangia … the magic of those places, told in Juliet’s seductive voice, allowed Eloise to slip into a fantasy all of her own. Going there with Nico on the back of his Vespa, wandering round the Piazza holding hands.
Lost in a daydream, Eloise missed what Chrissy and Juliet were saying, until her mother leaned in to kiss her cheek. Or, at least, she thought she was going to kiss her cheek. Instead she whispered: ‘We need to talk, Eloise.’
***
Eloise was in bed, gazing at the image on her phone when she heard a light tapping on her door.
‘Can I come in?’
‘Yeah, ’course.’ She fumbled with her phone, struggling to turn it off before her mother saw the photo of her and Nico by the pool.
‘Anything interesting?’ she asked, sitting beside her.
‘Oh. No, just Anya.’ Eloise slapped her phone face down on the bed. Chrissy didn’t say anything, and it began to make her uncomfortable, unable to gauge her mother’s mood. ‘Sounds like you and Juliet had a good day, Mum.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me she’d put money into your account?’
The fierceness in her tone came as a shock.
‘Erm. Well, because I knew you’d be cross? She said it was my uni fund and that she would be my sponsor. What could I say?’
‘How much is it?’
‘I – I don’t know.’
‘Yes, you do. How much?’
‘Five thousand pounds. Please don’t go mad with her, Mum. She just wants to help.’
Her eyes had turned a watery blue. Her voice softened. ‘I don’t want to lose you, Eloise.’
‘Of course you won’t lose me – that’s the last thing I want. Look, I’ll tell Juliet to take the money back again, if you like. Just don’t make a deal of it. Please.’
‘I’d give anything to turn the clock back,’ she said, drifting.
‘I know that, Mum.’ Eloise gave her a moment. ‘And I know you’d still be friends with Juliet, if it wasn’t for France.’
It was her stare; one of those that just wouldn’t let go. Eloise knew there was something else besides. And then she noticed her pulling something out of her back pocket, feeling sick when she saw what it was.
‘You said this was los
t.’
It was the yellow bear that Juliet had given to her dad all those years ago. Eloise’s mind was like a jigsaw as she frantically tried to piece together how it had ended up in her mother’s hands. Surely Juliet hadn’t been stupid enough to tell her?
‘I returned it to Juliet,’ she began, praying this sounded plausible. ‘When you told me the story of how she’d given it to my dad in Bristol, I just felt that it wasn’t really mine. I knew how much my dad liked Juliet, what good mates they were, and I thought it was better to let her keep it from now on.’
She was struggling as she spoke to block out the memory of Anton breaking into their flat and taking it.
But that wasn’t the issue.
‘Why is it so bad that I gave it back to her?’
‘Because your dad wouldn’t want her to have it.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because he gave it to you.’
Her mother was holding it out to her.
‘I don’t even want that thing any more,’ Eloise said, knocking it out of her hand. ‘Is there something else you’ve not told me? There is, isn’t there? What?’
Chrissy picked the yellow bear up off the floor, pulling its head so hard it became detached from the rest of the body, the stuffing hanging out of its neck.
CHAPTER 30
Bristol: 1989
The snow was only a light dusting, but lethal if it froze over. They lived on the steepest hill in Redland, and Dan was spotted doing wheel spins at the bottom of it. Everyone rushed out to push. Everyone except Chrissy. There was another person to think of now, besides herself, and she had to remember that.
As if she could forget.
It wasn’t easy throwing up in the mornings so that no one else in the house would hear. Juliet had refused to leave her side these past few days, constantly begging her to stay. She had even wanted to sleep in her bed but Chrissy refused. For one thing, she didn’t want Juliet knowing about her morning sickness. And for another, after today, they had to get used to being apart forever.
She threw herself into her arms, sobbing. ‘I’m not sure I can survive without you, Chrissy. I just can’t bear the thought.’