by June Taylor
‘So,’ he said, stroking her arm. His whole body was pushing against hers. ‘Something bothers you, no? Is it Sylvia?’ It was simpler just to agree. ‘I told you, I don’t have girlfriends.’
‘She seems to think so. I just saw you kissing her.’
He started laughing. ‘Eloise. You and me, we—’ He clicked his fists together to make them connect. ‘No? You don’t think so?’ She shrugged. ‘And you look so beautiful tonight.’ She could feel herself turning towards him, at the very last second twisting away again. He pulled her chin back to him and pressed his mouth onto hers.
‘What the hell do you think you are doing to my daughter?’
They sprung apart.
‘Mum!’
Chrissy was standing over them. She sank her fingers painfully into the top of Eloise’s arm, pulling her to her feet. As she was being dragged away she tried to get a last glimpse of Nico.
‘Why did you do that, Mum? Get off me!’
‘We need to talk.’
‘What about? You only want to ruin it for me.’
Eloise shook her arm free. So she happened to like Nico. It was complicated, but was that such a crime?
Chrissy found them a spot well away from anyone. Her face was contorted, she looked in pain.
‘Mum, are you all right?’
‘I never wanted to have to say this, Eloise.’
Music from the party and bursts of laughter were carried to them in distorted bursts. The storm was slowly passing, although the rain still kept coming at short intervals. In between, they could hear the leaves dripping. Deep puddles were forming everywhere.
‘Well, are you going to tell me, because if not—’ Eloise was preparing herself for ‘the lecture’.
‘You cannot have anything to do with that boy. Do you understand me?’
‘Mum, I’m not stupid. It’s not as though I’m going to tell him anything.’
‘That’s not the issue.’
‘Then what is?’ Chrissy tried to hug her, but Eloise resisted. ‘Please don’t spoil it for me, okay?’
Her mother began squeezing the sides of her head as if it was about to erupt. Something was very wrong.
‘I’m going to get Juliet.’
‘No!’ Chrissy lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘No.’
This was more than just overprotective parenting. Eloise braced herself for yet another body blow.
‘You cannot have anything to do with that boy because …’
Chrissy faltered.
‘Because what, Mum? For god’s sake, please say whatever it is. This is killing me.’
‘Because he’s your brother.’
‘What?’
‘Ssh. You must stay calm.’
‘Calm? But I don’t understand what you’re saying to me. You mean—?’
‘His father raped me.’
Her words sounded blurred and far away, as if someone had pushed her head underwater.
‘Oh my god, no. No, Mum. No!’
She ran off into the rain and into the darkness. Her mother shouted her name but didn’t come after her. In any case, she was too quick. She cast off her shoes, tossing them into the air, wishing they would explode into little pieces. She wanted to break something. Hit something.
The water running down her face was a mixture of rainwater and tears. She wasn’t cold but her dress was stuck to her skin, which was visible through the thin fabric. She didn’t know where she was heading and somehow found herself by the side of the lake. How different it felt to the last time she was here.
She removed her clothes, all of them, ripping her dress in the process. What did it matter? What did any of this matter?
The rocks tore at her feet. But what couldn’t be seen couldn’t hurt you. She knew that now. It’s what you could see. It’s what you did know. That’s what hurt the most.
The icy chill of the water seemed to take away some of her pain.
‘There is no better freedom,’ she wanted to say, but the words froze as soon as her lips tried to shape them. She swam to keep warm, soon becoming disorientated. Where was the shore and where was the middle of the lake? Impossible to tell with the darkness wrapped around her and the rain coming down again. The middle of the lake was too deep, she remembered. Soon she would be out of her depth and was already getting tired.
Did it matter? Did any of it matter?
Treading water she turned full circle on herself. The shadows and outlines all looked the same. Her knees scraped against rocks. Crawling over them she managed to stand up, the water to her waist, and she began to wade through it, pushing hard against the lake, feeling exhausted and numb with cold.
Gradually her steps became easier. Somehow she had reached the lakeshore and looked around, hugging her shoulders, searching for her dress, swallowed up in the gloom. She ran. She must have, because suddenly she found herself at the tiny hut by the side of the tennis court where the racquets and balls were kept. The director’s chair was in the doorway, wet beneath her skin when she sank into it. Pressing her hands hard against her ears she slumped over her knees. If only Chrissy’s words would stop echoing inside her head.
She was shivering; naked, alone, and curled up like a foetus.
To think that only a few weeks ago she hadn’t known any of this. Was it better now that she knew the truth? She had wanted it so desperately.
So she was the daughter of a rapist. Nico was her half-brother.
‘I ruined my mother’s life,’ she said out loud. Every day Chrissy had to look at the consequence of being raped. Why hadn’t she aborted her when she had the chance? How she must hate her, deep down.
Resent her.
Loathe her.
And Dan. Her darling dad, who was never her dad at all. Not her real one. She had saved his words to her heart:
‘Take care of your mother, Eloise. See that she’s never
alone. And no matter what you hear, always try
and forgive her. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.
But remember, we both love you.
Always at your side,
Dad X’
The music from the party drifted over in waves. Then she heard a crack. Maybe a branch breaking as it was stepped on.
And another.
Someone was approaching. It didn’t look like Chrissy or Juliet. Or Nico.
It was Marianna.
‘Look at you. Where are your clothes, Eloise?’
Marianna unlocked a cupboard and pulled out a large blanket, which she wrapped around her. It smelt musty and was rough against her skin. Then Marianna perched on the arm of the chair.
‘Did you know?’ asked Eloise. Most likely Marianna would have no idea what she was talking about, but she wasn’t thinking clearly enough to care. But to her surprise, Marianna shook her head slowly.
‘No, but I wondered. You have the same eyes. You have his eyes.’
‘A rapist’s eyes,’ Eloise whispered. She closed them, screwed them up so tight it hurt. She suddenly remembered something. ‘Oh god, Marianna. I’ve seen those eyes. I’ve seen him, I’ve seen him.’
‘How?’
‘Nico showed me a photograph he has in his wallet. I feel sick.’
She retched, hunched over, but nothing came up. Then it came again. Nothing. He was in there, inside of her, like he had been inside her mother. Uninvited. Unwelcome.
Eloise knew now that he would be inside her forever.
She sat up, wiped her mouth. Marianna stroked her back. She was shivering again and pulled in the ends of the blanket under her chin. ‘Everyone said I had my dad’s eyes,’ she said, rocking. ‘My mum especially, she always said it. Even now. When, all the time she must have meant—’
‘Your mother loves you. You shouldn’t forget that.’
‘She shouldn’t have had me, Marianna.’
‘But she wanted you. That’s the whole point. You are the reason she carried on. I can see that she fought hard to keep you.’
It was a st
range feeling, almost like she was the one violated.
‘My husband did a terrible thing, but you are a beautiful young woman and you have your whole life in front of you. You have to live, Eloise. You have to laugh and cry and love and hope, and do all of those things you ever dream of doing. Grab it whilst you have it and don’t waste a second. We all have something in our lives we’d like to change. You must never let it change you.’
Eloise looked out at the raindrops dripping down from the roof. The overspill from the storm, it had to go somewhere.
‘What about Nico?’
Marianna was shaking her head emphatically. ‘No. Never. He can never know. He will never forgive.’
‘But he’s my brother.’
‘That would not matter. What matters to him is what your mother did.’ She sighed. ‘But at least I know now that his father chose to spend his son’s third birthday with two English girls. We never came first.’ She laughed to herself. ‘He always did have a thing for English girls. But you mustn’t get any ideas that we can all live happily ever after together, Eloise. It’s not going to be like that. Nic is very bitter. If his father were still alive, he might have grown up hating him eventually. Instead, he’s grown up hating you.’
‘You mean my mother.’
‘It’s the same. If he ever finds out.’
She stood up, placed her hand on Eloise’s shoulder. ‘Are you okay?’ When Marianna saw that she was still shivering, she said: ‘There are more blankets in the cupboard. Shall I send for your mother?’
‘Please don’t do that.’
‘Okay. I have to get back to the party.’
There was a crack, a branch snapping. They both heard it and froze. ‘Who is it?’ shouted Marianna. Then a rustling sound, as though someone was running away.
‘Oh god, you don’t think it was Nic, do you?’ said Eloise.
‘Probably wild boar. They like to sniff around in the woods just behind us.’ Marianna rubbed Eloise’s shoulder before departing, and said: ‘Remember what I’ve told you, Eloise.’
The curtain of water still pouring off the roof seemed to warp Marianna as she walked away. Eloise ran after her. She went as far as the path then returned to the villa.
She didn’t know quite what to do with herself when she got there. The emptiness of the place was unwelcoming. The silence that she had grown to love in those moments of peace and quiet when she had the place to herself was now unsettling.
She went into her room to find some warm clothes.
‘Eloise.’
‘Nico! What are you doing here? Get away from me.’
Not only had he let himself in again, he was standing in her bedroom. And he was the last person on earth she wanted to see right now.
‘Where did you go, Eloise? Are you okay?’
She realized she had to calm down. ‘I went to the lake. Please, Nico. Please go.’
‘You went swimming without me?’
‘I had a row with my mum.’
She wasn’t sure if he had understood; rather than leave, he came towards her.
‘Go away!’
‘But I came to show you this,’ he said, gesturing to his phone. ‘It’s something I think you should see.’
It was a video from the party, still in full swing, music playing in the background. People seemed to be gathering in one area.
‘You’re nothing but a sad, lonely cow,’ Chrissy’s voice could be heard saying angrily to someone. Then the camera caught up with the action and she was seen walking away from Juliet.
‘Well, what about you?’ Juliet shouted, pulling her back again. ‘You’ve let your daughter down and you know it. She’d choose me over you any day. I can give Eloise the whole world. You’ve held her prisoner her whole life.’
Chrissy laughed mockingly. ‘Why would she want your world? It’s made of shit, Juliet.’
‘Well, why don’t we ask her? Let her decide whose world she wants to live in. I can guarantee it won’t be yours.’
‘Have you quite finished?’
‘No. Actually. I was never going to tell you this, Chrissy, but fuck it. He did kiss me back that night. Your precious Dan. He didn’t resist me at all. I could have taken him away from you any time I liked. And, believe me, there were lots of times. But I didn’t. Because I wanted you to be happy. That’s the sacrifice I made for you, Chrissy. She could so easily have been my daughter. Mine and Dan’s.’
‘What?’ Chrissy glowered at her then slapped her hard across the face. ‘You mad, selfish cow!’
Juliet clutched her cheek. She was stunned, tears weren’t far off. ‘But I meant what I said earlier. That I’d give my life for you, Chrissy. And if you want me to prove it, I will.’
‘Big deal, Juliet. Big fucking deal.’
‘Just try and stop me!’ she yelled.
***
A commotion could be heard outside. When they went to investigate there were screams and voices being unleashed into the night, people seemed to be charging towards the lake. Nico grabbed her, but Eloise resisted because he was pulling her in the wrong direction. Then she saw his Vespa parked at the end of their path.
They followed the streaks of light made by torches and flares up ahead. The lake seemed much further than when they had made this journey together before. As they got nearer they could see the shape of someone standing by the water’s edge and a crowd gathering around.
It already looked like it was too late.
‘Mum!’ Eloise cried out, jumping off the Vespa before it had even stopped. She stumbled and ran towards the crowd, praying that no harm had come to her mother. The terrible thing was, she already knew that it had.
‘Mum! No.’
But it was Chrissy who was standing at the water’s edge as people were making desperate attempts to resuscitate someone laid out on the ground.
Chrissy turned to her when she called.
Juliet was gone. Drowned.
‘Suicida,’ she heard someone say.
EPILOGUE
Manchester was enjoying a late September heatwave. Eloise had taken to sitting out on the walkway, imagining she was back in Rome, wondering if she would ever return there. If Chrissy felt inclined, she would come out to join her, as she was doing now. The neighbour’s dog barked incessantly at being left on its own, the traffic thundered past on the Mancunian Way as it had always done, but there were so many other things to occupy their thoughts they barely noticed these more familiar ones.
Few words had been said, about anything, since their return. Yet Eloise wanted closure and two things still bothered her.
‘Did Dad know, Mum? You know what I’m talking about and I don’t want you to lie to me.’
Chrissy was used to being interrogated by now, and there was very little left that her daughter didn’t know.
‘Neither of us knew for sure,’ she replied. ‘It was only when you were growing up that we noticed you—’
Her head dropped. She didn’t even have to say any more.
‘I’ve seen his photo,’ said Eloise, feeling that wave of nausea again. ‘I know … I know that I look like him.’
‘You were always Dan’s daughter, Eloise. He was the one in a big hurry to get married.’ She smiled at the memory. ‘He loved you as much as I do.’
‘How can you even bear to look at me though?’
‘Oh, Eloise, I can’t even remember now what that bastard looks like. When I look at you, I don’t see him. I just see you.’
***
When she heard the rattle of the letterbox she rushed to see if there was anything from Bournemouth University about the open day.
‘One for you,’ she said, giving it to her mother. ‘Hand delivered.’
Eloise darted out onto the walkway but there was no one there. Peering over the railings she saw Anton walking towards the car. She ought to have pulled back out of sight but couldn’t move.
Anton looked up. She was determined to hold his stare. As long as it took.
Eloise watched him drive away then went back inside.
Chrissy’s hands were shaking, opening the envelope. Eloise recognized the Ricci logo as her trembling fingers removed a small package wrapped in purple tissue.
‘Is it from Luca?’
She didn’t answer, taking her time to read the letter, and when she had finished she handed it to Eloise.
‘I need some air,’ said Chrissy, stepping outside.
My dear Chrissy
Despite all the years you were apart from Juliet, I know how much she meant to you and how deeply saddened you will be by her tragic death. She always regarded you as her closest friend and I never quite understood why it took her so long to track you down. It is a pity that, having only just found one another, you had to say goodbye so soon.
At least you got to spend these past couple of months with her, and it is of great comfort to me that you were with Juliet when she died. They told me you were unable to save her but I thank you with all my heart for trying.
It seems only right that I should return this brooch to you. Juliet would want you to have it. She wore it every day without fail. There is, however, one formal request she made in regard to her best friend. That, in the event of her death, I would do my utmost to find you, and ensure that you receive a sum of money from her estate along with any children you may have. Laura, who is helping me with this letter and with Juliet’s affairs, will be in touch with you in due course.
As I told you in Rome, my lawyer had already served the divorce papers. Such a blessing Juliet will not have to go through this now. You know how much I still loved her, yet she was always looking for something I could not give her. She will no doubt have confided in her best friend about our marriage and perhaps you have a greater insight than I do.
My dear Chrissy, it was lovely to meet you finally. I enjoyed our morning runs together – even though you exhausted me! I know you will never forget Juliet and I am sure, like myself, that you will have many treasured memories which will keep her close to you forever more.