by Elaine Allen
I remember looking over at Carter; he was watching them intently as they shared their first kiss as husband and wife. His expression showed traces of pride when his fellow brother decided to commit to his family. Tyree is the first in his circle of men friends to take the step. All the rest of them are suited to follow.
I’m watching him now. As if he can feel my eyes on him, he looks up and catches me in the act. The way the smile spreads across his face turns my heart to mush. Carter whispers something to Amira, who is happily sitting beside him as she takes in the all the pretty ladies in their princess gowns and the endless flower arrangements adorning the chapel. She looks at me and waves energetically.
My heart flutters; I love her so much. I realized that before I even realized that I was in love with Carter. I guess that is different, though. She’s a child with no faults or flaws and I love her with a fierce possession that I can’t quite explain, which is astonishing in itself considering I didn’t want to be in a relationship with a man who already had kids. Love truly does conquer all.
“Who invited him?” I whisper to Trina when I spot Tony on the crowded dance floor.
“Now, you know he cool with Tyree. He was on the list for the save the dates initially,” she confides. Trina is no joke. She dislikes Tony because of how he treated me and finds it funny that he’s now the one doing the chasing. I’m not saying that’s why he’s here today, but come on; it is my cousin’s wedding. He knew I’d be here.
Okay, enough ego food for today. I just hope that he saves tryna get with me for another time. Carter would whup his ass and more than likely, dump me in the process. They’ve never met and I’d like to keep it that way.
“You would think he'd have the good mind to not have come. If he tries to talk to you, ignore him,” she suggests.
She’s such a pro at it. Dave has been giving her the ‘I’m helplessly in love with you’ look for three days now, and she still refuses to even entertain it or him.
I don’t think that’ll be possible. Tony has never been one to be ignored. Plus, he just caught me watching him and that’ll give him a reason to come over here.
“Too late,” I mumble into my glass as I roll my eyes.
“Hello, Catrina. You look beautiful as always,” Tony compliments, prompting her to suck her teeth in response.
I look up at the sound of his voice and smile as if I am happy to see him. “How are you, Anthony?” He isn’t fooled by the smile ‘cause I’m sure he can feel the frost in my words. His ass has been crickets since showing up at my job. I was certain that the realization of my unavailability had sunk in.
“Great, now that I’ve spoken to you”. “You looked beautiful up there—”
“Oh, please,” Trina laughs, cutting him off. I look at her and then I laugh too.
Tony doesn’t respond to Trina’s jab, only shaking his head instead. “You wanna dance?” he inquires hopefully.
I shake my head. “No, not with you.”
“That’s fair enough. Can I at least talk to you for a minute?”
“For what reason?”
“Just wanna spend a couple minutes wit’ you. We talk; I leave you alone. Please?”
I look at Trina but she looks away. She must have a feeling that I’m about to do something stupid like agree.
“Okay,” I sigh. I’m only agreeing so that he’ll leave me alone for the rest of the evening.
“You sure you don’t want to dance?”
I nod. “I’m sure,” I say, getting up from my seat at the head table. I scan the room for Carter but I don’t see him. He must be taking Mira to the restroom, so let me hurry up and talk to this jackass before he comes back.
Tony attempts to hug me when we find ourselves a quiet spot to talk, but I put my hands up to shield him from me. “Come on now, Tony, don’t touch me.”
He steps back and puts his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “I’ve been watching you all afternoon. I had to talk myself into coming over to talk to you, but when I saw you staring at me, I thought, ‘What the hell?’.”
I knew that’s why he came over. “I wasn’t staring at you. I was just surprised that you would show up, is all. I thought we had settled everything the last time we saw one another.”
“I’ve thought about it, and you were right. And I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. “I had no right doing that to you. I just wanted you to know that I wanted you back. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time, so I just did what popped into my mind.”
“Just forget about it, Tony. I have. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about why I chose to talk to you. I just want you to leave me alone. I’m happy—”
He nods and interrupts me, “Yeah, I saw you with your boyfriend and his daughter. Never thought I’d see the day you’d be happy with someone else.” He appears sad, glancing down at me. “You look happy, Lieas.” He put his hand over his heart and adds, “It hurts that I’m not the one making you happy when I’ve made so many promises to you that I would.”
This man is apologizing to me, and it appears to be from the heart. Does all my anger towards him vanish? Fuuuck no. But if I hadn’t been trying to hold onto nothing for long, it wouldn’t have been so bad. He was only treating me that way ’cause I allowed him to. I expected him to change his cheating ways ’cause I had changed mine. It doesn’t always work that way, and this was one of those times it didn’t.
For the first time, I accept my part in this. “I blamed you ‘cause it was safer— no easier to blame you than accepting my own stupidity. I'm far from being some nut-ass broad; I just acted like one.”
He shrugs in agreement. “I really did love you, though, Lieas.”
I nod in acknowledgment and reply with a smile, “I loved you too. More than your man-whore ass deserved.” I don’t feel like I did when we first began this conversation.
Tony smiles. I can see it in his eyes that he'd rather choke my ass than swallow what I am dishing out. “Maybe. I want you to be happy even though it’s not with me,” he offers, pulling his hands from his pockets. “Just make sure that your dude is going to treat you right.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carter
“I am,” I reply through right lips at the exact same time as Alieas says, “He is.”
Dude turns to the sound of my voice, and Lieas' mouth hangs in shock because I don't think she saw me coming over here. It surprised me, walking into the ballroom, to see them talking. From the way she was standing, she seemed annoyed. When I saw Trina, I calmly asked who she was talking to. I didn't expect her to say it was Lieas' ex. Weddings addle your brain, soften your heart, and make you fantasize. Have you wanting more, expecting more. I wasn’t sure if I was the one who was doing all that or if I’m pissed that she's not.
“Carter,” I put my hand out for him to shake it. He shakes it and introduces himself, “Tony.”
Alieas bites her bottom lip but wisely informs him that I’m her man. I’ve met only a couple of exes in my lifetime, none of whom mattered.
She matters.
We make awkward small talk and after a moment, Tony leaves us alone. Relieved that I didn't have to go apeshit on him, I remain eyeing her.
I wasn’t aware that I possessed the gift of polite conversation when it comes to other men poaching what's mine. Assuming that the crash collision is adverted, Alieas reaches for my hand before noticing the glare in my eyes. “So how many more guys at this wedding have you talked to? Messed with?” Fucked is unspoken but that's what I’m thinking. I don't grab on to the outstretched hand.
Now, she's annoyed, her eye sparking fire. “Excuse me? Did you just ask me what I think you did?” she demands.
“Yeah, I did,” I angrily admit. “Every time I turn around, some boah in your face and you in his. What? You think I’on see you?”
Holding up her hand, Lieas shakes her head. “Cart, I don’t know what you gettin’ at, but I'm not in the mood,” she spits through clenched teeth.
Curious as to where I’m going with it and why I’m all bent out of shape, Alieas just stares. “I’m sayin’, keep these men out of your face.” My voice is firmer than I ever remember it being. My brown eyes are straight and direct, and everything in me feels a little dark as I step closer towards her.
Instantly, she steps back in retreat. “Are you drunk?” she asks suspiciously, even though she knows damn well that I’m not.
“No, I’m not drunk.”. Maybe I'm being irrational. I’m confident with my place, but I'm admittedly jealous and territorial when it comes to mine. She is mine. Alieas knows it. But other men don't.
“Well, what the hell is your problem then?”
“My problem? I walk up on you twice talking to other guys, and I heard another dude said he used to fuck witchu.” A headache the size of Mount Rushmore begins settling over my left temple.
“Well, what do you want me to do?” Holding her hand out to me again, I look at it before I take hold of it. “Carter, you can’t get mad over me guys I messed with before you.”
Checking myself, I pull her closer to me. If she was in my shoes, I know she already would've been wildin' out and showing her ass right here too.
“Babe, they don’t mean anything,” she all but purrs as she twines her long arms around my neck. “You’re my man,” she declares.
Taking a deep breath, I drop my forehead to hers. “Babe, I’m goin’ crazy thinkin’ that all these dudes have touched you.” And I know for a fact that a fair amount have.
I get caught up in her golden gaze. “I can’t change the past,” she kisses me, “not even for you. And I can’t help it if everybody still want me,” she jokes and provocatively swings her hips into me.
I grunt from the torture of her rubbing her ass close to my dick. She kisses my lips lightly. “They all still want you but they ain’t getting you—"
“’Cause, I’m in love with you,” she replies seriously.
“You better be,” I inform her.
Seventeen
January 2003
New Year… New You...
Alieas
I’ve been able to keep my nookie reserved only for Carter. I have to confess that I do randomly answer Justin's messages on BlackPlanet and AOL messenger. They aren’t nothing explicit or out of line. I was talking to him about his hookup at the studio he uses to record an album of spoken word. Then I thought better of it so no sense in setting myself up for an L.
And I’m happy that this man has been completely mine, and I love every minute of it. Before, I found myself envious of all my friends, especially Bri with her extravagant wedding. Their happiness is sickening. Ughh! I want to be sick in love like that. It’s cute. I’m starting to think that Carter has me sick in love like that.
So, I don’t need a ring— at least not this precise moment.
Carter has made an occupation out of making me happy. As a present, he surprised me with a trip to Atlantis, an all-inclusive resort in the Bahamas. We’ve already been here for the past three nights, and we only have one more to go. I'll be sad to get back to reality and cold weather.
But right now, I’m so excited about being here, with him that is.
Since the wedding, Carter has been acting jealous if a man even looks in my direction. It’s cool in small does, though. This afternoon, we were chilling on the beach with me in a revealing black one-piece with a plunging neckline. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like Shamu in danger of being harpooned.
The weight thing is under control. I’ve reached my goal weight of one-eighty-five and of course, I’m loving it, reaping the fucking benefits of better clothing options and male appreciation, although at times, unwanted.
People thought I was conceited before, Shiiiiiid, they better watch out ‘cause they haven’t seen anything yet. I’m lying here, soaking up all the warm rays of the sun, body all oiled down, and guys are checking me out. None of them say anything ‘cause the look in my man’s eyes let them know that he wasn’t having any of that, especially after my boob popped out while I was playing a game of volleyball with a couple of horny college guys on winter break. There were no words for the embarrassment I felt so I laughed until my sides hurt and didn’t stop until after Carter came to save me— well, cover me up, to be exact.
We go to this local spot that did karaoke. I sing Lisa Loeb's song, Stay and jam to Margaritaville and Hotel California for happy hour with a mix of tourists and locals. It’s all fun. This is the first time I’ve been on a real vacation with a man. Carter promised that in the summer, we'd take Mira to Florida to go to Disney World.
There is even more grownup fun after we get back to our suite. He murders my kitty kat, right up against the door. It has taken him like two seconds to get my piece of suit off and to get all up in me. So, in the last few months, I've discovered so much about myself sexually that I didn’t know. Multiple orgasms have become something that I’m familiar with. I used to have to fake it and now there's no such thing. We’ve role played, used toys, handcuffs, screwed in the front seat of his truck— I’ve always thought I was too big to have sex in a car. In his workshop at home. I don’t know. I can’t explain but with him, I feel liberated, free to explore all the things that might have made me afraid. Like choking, the thought of those calloused hands wrapped lightly around my throat is— Whew… I realized that I love it rough and that I also enjoy it slow. I must have been out of my mind to have ever thought that the dick was whack. I must have been out of my mind to think I knew anything about sex.
Eyes rolling back, I’m in heaven. God, I may bust a nut just thinking about how he keeps me coming. My eagerness to make Carter happy extends far beyond the bedroom. I want to make Bug happy and be happy too. He has actively taught me what love is. With him, I believe that I can have it all— my attitudes, my moods, my mouth, and him. We match in a way that we balance each other out type of thing. Carter is moody but measured, crazy but really rational. I'm impulsive and flighty, but he anchors that. He is so fuckin' manly. And he's mine.
Me and my dad had a heart-to-heart, and he continues to push the narrative that while being in love is great and wonderful, there were more things to be concerned about in life. And of course, returning to school was one of them. I'm working it out. We agreed that no matter what, I’d be in a program by fall. He likes Carter and respects him but seems indifferent to my declarations that he's the one. I’m basically just going to chalk it up to his concern for me as a parent wanting what they think is best. At this point, I’d like to say, I know what is best for me. And that is Carter and Mira.
“Why are you smiling?” Carter questions, squeezing my left hand as we get onto the elevator.
Shaking my head, I reply, “Nothing.” Then he looks at me in that way when I know he has something on his mind but never says one word.
There are multiple thoughts parading through my mind, all of them about him and so easily summed up in three simple words: “I love you.”
“Really?” he inquires, pulling me to him. “What’s that for?” Carter is usually the one who has sporadic testaments of our unwavering love and more often than not, he says it first.
“Yes, and for no reason but to simply make you smile,” I inform him.
He laughs and nods. “You do, boop. Every day,” Carter confirms. “Who would have guessed that Miss Conceited would turn out to be my Mrs. Right?”
I know that he is not talking. This man can be my ego twin. My hotheaded twin. “What’s wrong with being conceited?”
“Nothing. You know I love that confident shit,” he assures me.
“You better,” I play. I cock my head and show my arrogance. “You know what the deal is.”
He nods in agreement, licks them sexy lips, and sends me a knowing grin. “You gon’ find out what the deal is,” he warns.
Trust me. I want to. “When?” I inquire impatiently, glancing up at the floor indicator. The quicker I can get his stiff one in me, the quicker I can que
nch the ever-growing lust I have for him.
All I wanna is party and bullshit and fuck… Fuck… Fuckk.
“As soon as we get back to the room.”
I feel like jumping his ass right here. Instead, I wrap my arms around his neck to soothe my growing need to touch. I then kiss him softly on the lips, bestowing a promise of sweet love when we get back to the suite.
“Nothing can affect how perfect right now is,” I whisper as the elevator finally beeps as it reaches our floor. I close my eyes, relishing in this moment of absolute peace.
Of absolute love.
I find myself opening my eyes just as the door of the elevator slide open. Just in time to see my father’s lips rise from the lips of a woman who is not my mother.
Tears come to my eyes instantly as we stare at one another in complete shock, on his part ‘cause he’s just been caught cheating by his daughter and on my part ‘cause this is my fuckin’ father, the man who shares the other half of the perfect relationship I’ve always wanted as my own.
I blink to try and rid the image before me, but that’s just not happening. The elevator alarm goes off because I’m stuck and blocking the ray so the door won’t close. Carter pulls me from the elevator, but I’m unresponsive, motionless but full of emotion—anger; hurt; disgust.
“Lieas, sweetie, let me explain.”
I finally can hear the words coming from his cheating mouth. I also know that he’s reaching for me, but I’m backing away.
“Come on, baby,” Carter interrupts so casually that it’s almost as if this isn’t happening
I shake my head. I have a bunch of things to say. Just have to get my stride back.
“Darrien, who is she?” the woman has the nerve to ask. I almost break my damn neck snapping my eyes to meet hers for the first time.
“I’m his fuckin’ daughter!” I shout, “Who the hell are you?”