by Elaine Allen
Defiantly, she lifts her gaze to mine, but then she bites her thumbnail. It’s the telltale sign that she is nervous. And bracing herself for my anger. “I was sick. I was so sick, Carter,” her voice begins in a low whisper. But her tone is elevated and clear when she next asserts, “I want to see her.”
No damn way…
Closing my eyes, I gather my strength and patience. My jaw clenching, blood boiling, and nerves ticking, I ball my fist and let go. “Are you fuckin' retarded? Hell nawl. Never gonna happened. You abandoned her once. I’m not giving you a second opportunity.”
Silent tears stream down her face. “I was sick, Carter! I couldn't feel anything. Do you know how that feels? Knowing that I should love something and not feel anything? Can I please come in?”
Toya is out of her mind if she thinks she's getting anywhere near Bug. There is murderous rage flowing through my veins, demons commanding actions that I could never carry out. I stand my ground. “I don't give two fucks about how you feel, what you feel. My daughter is never going to know you. That’s on you. You have to live with that. Not me.”
I can see the humility leave as the anger emerges. As bold as it was for her to show up, she has to know that she wouldn't be welcomed with open, least of all, forgiving arms.
“If you don’t let me see her, I’m going to file for custody. If you think I’m going to allow some otha bitch to raise my daughter, you outta your fuckin mind!” she rants. She's careful not to move any closer. My fingers tingle, itching and burning to wrap my hands around her damn throat.
“What, bitch?” This time I do call her out of her name. I step off the landing to move closer to her. “You do that. Last order, you didn’t even ask for visitation. You think some judge gonna just give my daughter to you now because you all of a sudden wanna be a mother? Fuck outta here.”
As reality sets in, Toya changes her strategy as she let’s put frustrated sigh. “I was a very sick person. I was having horrible thoughts and visions. Post-partum depression. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I'm better now. I'm ready to be her mom. If I could just see her,” she pleads, taking a step closer to me. Toward my house. Toward my daughter.
Whatever heartstrings she was trying to pull didn’t exist. Not for her. “Don't worry about her. She good.” And for the second time today, I told someone to “do whatever it is you have to do”.
Without another word, I turn and go back into the house, leaving her out front.
I peek in on Bug and just the sight of her four-year-old body sprawled out over the couch settles my racing heart. Overwhelmed, I lean into the doorway. I suppose for support. Toya’s sudden reappearance knocks the wind out of me, kicks my legs from beneath me. I’ve always put the thought of her reappearing in the back of my mind, daring her to fuckin’ try. I just always knew I would be ready…
But I wasn't. Not when it came to my little girl. I had to stand my ground; she needed me now more than anything. More than some spoiled-ass princess. More than some reappearing mother.
When I glanced out the window, Toya was still standing there. She could stand there until hell froze over, for all I care.
Nineteen
Carter
Well, the new year is already off to a shitty start. It’s only the February, and it seems like everything in my life that could've gone wrong has. Don't know why I'm at the damn mall. I hate crowds, especially when I’m in a mood, but I thought seeing a movie would distract me and get my mind off the fact that I allowed my child to be in the same room with the woman who had abandoned her. The movie did not help clear my head.
Toya showing up blew shit up. I don't even have time to run after Lieas, who is acting crazily stubborn. Generally, I love that about her but after two weeks, I'm still pissed. I need her, though, and she is decidedly absent.
I’ve been trying to figure out Latoya’s angle. To just reappear, unannounced and uncharacteristically unfazed by my feelings of distrust and anger toward her, makes me highly suspicious.
God bless my mom because she has entirely more patience for bullshit than I do. To her credit, she helped hell thaw out and me calm down by just insisting that I get over my own personal animosity for Toya and see what would be more beneficial for Bug. Initially, I didn't care what Toya's excuses were. That woman left her baby. I knew that men did that shit all the time but not women. Not a woman I'd hand-picked and had loved with everything in me.
I mean, I thought I loved her. I’ve been adding this shit up in my head for two weeks. Piecing together things I’d forgotten about, I came to the conclusion that I only thought that she had loved me and she'd never loved Bug. In the hospital, she had only held her a few times. If I wasn't there, the baby was in the nursery. I couldn't figure it out. We'd been happily waiting on her arrival for the entire pregnancy.
I don't know where the sparkle of the expectant mother went, but by the time we'd arrived home with Bug in tow, there were no more stars. The quirky, funny girl that I'd fallen in love with as a teen had transformed into a shell of her former self. Bug couldn't latch on after numerous attempts to nurse her, so she couldn't breastfeed as planned. It had disappointed Toya; she was heartbroken. I'm not sure if that disappointment and frustration festered and turned into postpartum depression. She is now saying that it had escalated into a full-blown psychosis and that she was too afraid to admit that something was wrong. I missed the signs. In hindsight, I could see that something was wrong but I didn’t understand. I was too young. Too stubborn.
Vanna was like, it’s real, ‘cause I was on some shit that it was fake. She showed me a case where a mother had killed all five of her children due to severe post-partum depression. I can't imagine Toya being murderous. But I also find it hard to believe something that I have absolutely no knowledge of. She claims that she'd been afraid to discuss it, so it was easier to push us away.
As my rage settles and calms, I process the information that she gave me. I prayed about it and He answered with mercy for her. So at my family's urging, I allowed Toya to visit Bug, supervised, at my parents’ house, and she couldn't tell her that she was her mom. Toya didn’t get those privileges until I could trust her with my lovebug's heart. She was talking shit about introducing her to her boyfriend and her new baby and still threatening to file for custody and them being one, big family.
Nah. Not at all. She has a family. I felt like I was gonna choke that hoe with my bare hands.
I needed distance. I needed— I looked up into the large ceiling of the mall, closed my eyes, and instantly thought, my girl. Fuckin' stubborn ass woman. I shake my head at how unyielding pride fucks up good situations.
“Cart,” I hear my name being called. I look around and spot Tyree and Bri with their baby girl. We kind of meet in the center near a cart selling high-thread sheets sets.
“Hey, Ty, wassup? Bri.” Briannah smiles and squints her eyes and then wags her finger at me. “What you do to my friend?”
Tyree looks down at his wife. “Babe, mind your business.”
I laugh, shake my head. “Your friend. Man.”
“She crying her eyes out because you haven't come by,” she informs me.
“I have a lot going on. She has a lot going on. All that drama with her parents kind of took precedence over our relationship. So, she is where she is,” I explain with a shrug.
“Babe, I'll meet you up there,” Tyree says, pointing in the direction they were initially heading.
Bri frowns as she looks to where he is pointing. “There are more subtle ways to say you wanna talk to him alone,” Bri tells him. “Bye, Carter.”
Tyree runs his hand over his head then shakes it. “Women.”
Next to the cart is a group of seats. We both sit. “Is this the part where you ask what my intentions are?” I joke.
He tips his head back and chuckles. “Nawl. You a good dude, Cart. Good for my cousin. She loves you. I know Lieas inside out, and I've never seen her happier. So what happened, man?”
�
�We disagree about her parents. About what’s between them is between them. I need her here; she busy being over there. Then my BM popped up out of nowhere. I'm pretty straightforward about my needs.”
Tyree nodded. “Yea. I really looked up to my Unc. Taught me everything I know. I can't wrap my head around him cheating on my aunt for any reason,” he shrugs his broad shoulders. “But beyond that, Lieas has idolized their relationship her entire life. Had to put a crack in her heart. I was hoping that you was gonna help her mend it.”
“You have a family, so you'll understand this. Everything I do is to make sure that Mira is safe and loved. Promises made to her are important to me. I'm not a whiny dude, but I need one hundred percent and for you to be present. Miss me with all that in-between BS. I love her but I'm having a hard go at it right now and need her to have my back.”
“Damn, bro, what happened?”
I explained what was going on with Latoya's return as he listened intently. We've busted it up for years, so I felt comfortable sharing with him. He has a baby mama from a previous relationship and he understands.
“It was big of you to let her see Mira. I think my initial feeling would be like, bitch, kick rocks. But then again, I don’t know my dad. I wouldn't be able to pick this nigga out of a lineup. My mom was out there, so it’s possible he doesn’t even know I exist. I think if he would have just showed up sometime after my mom died, my Gram would've been like hell to the nawl. My aunt Nic would've been cool with it because she's proper and polite.” Tyree stops and clears his throat. “Not sure how my uncle would've felt because he's always had that job. Looking back, I think I would've liked to have known him. Family is important to me. Knowing where you come from is important so at the end of the day if Mira’s mother wants to participate, let her.”
Damn, I didn’t know that about him. I just thought his pops was absent. Tyree smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Alieas makes the same face. “Thanks, man,” I tell him reaching out to shake his hand.
“Lieas loves hard. She stubborn as hell, though, so sometimes you gotta pull at her and just show up. She ain't that mad; all your shit still intact. Let me go before Briannah come back to grill you.” He stands up and stretches.
We both laugh, knowing that Bri would do just that.
Twenty
Alieas
I’m not even going to dwell on the fact that it has been fourteen days, three hours, twenty-nine minutes, and three, no, four seconds since I was last happy. But as always, I’m dealing with it. Not gon’ let a nigga get me down.
“Girl, are you the hell crazy?” Tiff demands to know as I prepare for my first official outing since the man I’m supposed to spend eternity with is stupid enough to let me go without even so much as a call.
“Tiff, please. He’s the one who told me to leave.” That’s what hurts the most. “So, fuck him!” “Your ass was just crying over him yesterday,” she reminds me sarcastically. As if I need her to.
“Well, I’m not now. I’m going out tonight to have a good time and the last man I’ma be worried about is Carter.”
“Riiight. Just like last night, huh?”
Tiffany would bring last night up. That was a slip and slide back. I’m not used to hangin’ out with my friends on weeknights. I’m usually hugged up in the bed with my man—. Oh well, I guess that’s over. Anyway, those hoes decided to get a hotel room at the Palace so we could have a girl’s night out. I got pissy drunk and made the biggest, most childish mistake of my life.
I played on Carters’ phone, his cell, not the house phone, because even in my drunken haze, I understood that would be off limits. Mira was at home sleeping by that time, and I’d be damned if I would disrupt my baby. I miss her like crazy, and the thought of her real mother coming back into her life is making me insane. Driving me out of my fuckin’ mind, actually.
She has no rights.
But then again, neither do I. Still, I’ve never felt the parental bond that I’m feeling for her. This is why I should’ve stayed away from his ass when he told me he had a child. Now, two things that I love are out of my reach. My heart is aching at the thought of never having her fall asleep while sitting on my lap or when she’s scared and she wants to sleep with Carter and me.
“Hey? Are you listenin’ to me? You better call that man!” she orders.
To hell with that man. It’s time for me to start looking for something else with someone else.
“I’m not calling him. He knows my damn number and where I live. He has a fuckin’ key. He’s the one who dismissed me as if I were a gnat gettin’ on his last nerve. I don’t play that shit. He must not know how many niggas want me." Matter of fact, Justin had hit me up on BlackPlanet. I told him I'd meet him for drinks.
Tiff shakes her head. “Alieas, you’re upset because he told you he could take care of a situation by himself.”
Not just any situation. “That is not a situation he can handle without talking it over with me. It’s a family discussion. I’m a part of Amira’s life—”
“Oh, shut the hell up and get over. He had a right to be angry and you know it. Everything is not about you and your world. Other people do live here!” she exclaims hurriedly before I can interrupt her.
Tiff is on point, as usual, when it comes to making me feel like a piece of shit. I never said everything was about me. I may think it from time to time, but I’ve never said it. I’ve learned to be less self-centered since Mira has come into my life. A lot of things are now about her. The majority of things actually revolve around her father.
I’m pissed. Shit, Carter needs to get himself together. I need to get myself together. I’m angry ‘cause all I can think about is him, my empty ass heart, him… him… and him. I must be going the fuck crazy. I let a man get me irked.
Damn, he’s not just any man.
He’s the right man.
I broke my damn cell phone on day three throwing it against the damn wall when I realized he hadn’t called. Like all men, he’s supposed to come around and try to get back at me. No such luck with him, though.
It’s cool. I won’t be waiting by the telephone anymore. My ass is going out.
“When are you going to grow up and become that woman you want to be?” Tiff demands, throwing me completely off guard.
“What?!” I flip. “Where the fuck did that come from? You my best friend; your ass is supposed to be supportive—"
“And your ass is supposed to be reasonable,” she argues. “I’ve seen you fucking around with so many guys since we’ve been friends and—"
Jumping up, I burst through what she is trying to say. “I can’t believe you gon’ bring that shit in here.” I know she not about pull that past shit up. Nobody ever lets you forget that you made irresponsible decisions at one point in your life, especially when you're susceptible to make many more.
She takes a deep breath. “Alieas, calm the fuck down. You know damn well I’m not throwing anything in your face. I’m just pointing out shit that you’re too blind to see. Carter is everything you say you want. You let something that happened to your parents, something that you have no power over whatsoever, affect what’s between you and the man you love. I’m your best fuckin’ friend. I love you and when you hurt, I hurt. No outside shit that has nothing to do directly with us is coming in between me and Tim. Not my parents, not no baby mom. I’m cutting a bitch for me and mine.” She reaches out across space and touches my hand. I look her in the eyes. “Call your man or just show up at his house. But fix it before it’s too late.”
Because I know this to be true, I sit back down and look negligently out the window. “Lousy bitch,” I mumble. “What the hell am I supposed to do? He may not want to talk to me. He hasn’t called and I’m not the one for that apologizi—”
“Sometimes you need to be the one to suck up your pride,” she says, reminding me of my mother, who told me the same exact thing. To avoid Tiff and her steely stare, I glance away from her. She’s waiting for me to fa
ll into a fit of tears. I can feel myself getting ready to when I notice the blinking light on my machine.
“Hit the button on the machine for me,” I say to her because the phone is right next to her.
“What?”
“The answering machine.”
As the machine drones in its robotic voice, ‘You have two new messages’, my heart flips in my chest. I close my eyes and my fingers grip the arms of the loveseat as Carter's deep voice flows from the machine and directly into my heart. “Alieas, if you’re home, pick up the damn phone. I’m tired of this bullshit. Yo, where the fuck are you? And what happened to your cell phone?” He takes a deep breath. “We need to talk. You need to call me when you get this message. If you don’t, I’ll be there exactly at nine pm.”
I must have been in the daze 'cause it isn’t until I hear Tiff gasp, laugh, and applaud that I open my eyes and just stare at the machine as if I’m looking at him.
“Oh shut up.” My heart is trembling in my chest; my pulse is ready to jump right out of my neck.
“Umm, isn’t your date supposed to be here at nine?” she laughs.
Oh, my god. What am I going to do? “You think that this is funny?!” I spit, eyeing her suspiciously.
Smiling, she replies, “Hell yeah, that shit funny” and then looks down at her wristwatch. “You have a good hour and a half to make your decision.”
There are no decisions, no choices to be made. The man has come to his senses. My baby called.
Confident that all would be reconciled, I canceled my meet-up with Justin. I told him I didn’t feel good. He was nonchalant, told me to hit him up whenever, and hoped that I felt better. Showered, lotioned down, hair on point, and makeup, flawless, I am ready for my man. I look at the clock, and it’s almost nine. Where is he?
*****