by Clara Bayard
"That's not what I want from you. I'm not a child. I wanted you with me on the road because I love being around you. But I can miss you for a few days or weeks and then be so happy to see you. It isn't all or nothing."
"I think it is."
"Why?"
"Because what happens then? When weeks turns into months and some of those groupies start to look good. And I start to look bad."
"Liss, if I wanted to fuck groupies I'd be fucking groupies, not standing here arguing with you about this again. I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Inside and out. I don't want anyone else."
"But that could change."
"Yes, it could. And I could die in a plane crash or fall down stairs and get amnesia or wake up and realize I'm in love with Dex. Anything can happen. Well, except that last one. But you get what I mean." He laughed ruefully. "No one knows what tomorrow will bring. And we could break up in a year or ten years or never. But it's worth the risk. Every single day with you is precious to me."
"I feel the same way," I whispered, tears dripping down my face.
"No you don't," he spat. "You won't even try if things aren't perfect."
"That's not true."
"It is. You talk about us like we're this fire that consumes you, but that's a lie. If we were so strong you wouldn't find it so easy to leave over and over again."
"I…" He was right. I kept him and my feelings for him far enough away that they couldn't catch me when I ran. "You're right. But I'm scared. Scared you'll leave me. Scared I'm not enough for you."
"So you leave first?"
"Yeah."
"That's dumb. And I can't let you do it to my anymore."
"I won't."
"You say that, but I don't believe you." He rubbed his face. "God, I want to just come over there and kiss you. Hold you and forget about all of this. But I won't. You have to decide. You have to choose us instead of your fear.
"I am willing to fight for us. I'll cancel a tour, quit the band, and work at the diner if that's what you want."
"Darrell would never hire you."
"No, he wouldn't. I'd eat all the pancakes. But if I really thought that would make you happy and stay with me I'd do it. But it won't. Because you're scared of yourself, not me, and there's nothing I can do about that."
"So what does that mean?"
"It means you think about it. And the next time we talk you tell me, one way or the other. Make it work or move on."
"But how can we make this work?"
"I don't know. We can figure it out. But only if you're willing to really try."
"Okay," I whispered.
"Okay." He walked over and raised his hand to my face, wiping my tears away. "Go home. Call me when you've made a decision."
"That's it?"
"Maybe. That all depends on you now." He walked into the bathroom and shut the door.
I looked around the room, strewn with clothes and the notepads he wrote songs on. Joe had bared his soul to me and I wasn't sure what to do about it. So I went home and thought.
~*~
I called in sick to work the next day and avoided Kelly's calls. The only person I communicated with was the features editor for the Weekly Word. We set up a meeting to talk next week and he told me he loved the article and wondered if I had ideas for more. I said I did. He seemed happy and told me to bring some notes when we met in person.
The next morning I was flipping through some text books, reading up on the fundamentals of journalism. I thought about digging into a story, confronting the truth, whatever it turned out to be. And I confronted the truth about everything Joe had said to me.
I'd been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I'd ignored his feelings. That was cruel and unfair. And then I'd kissed Zach. It was just more hiding.
When I left to join Joe on the road I thought the adventure would turn me into a different person, give me a new life. It hadn't. But neither had discovering writing and hanging out on a college campus. I wasn't either of those girls. I was pieces of both.
Pieces of both, just like Joe. He was a soulful, private man and a charismatic rock star. Suddenly it all made sense. We both walked in more than one world, and maybe that was out strength instead of our weakness. If we could straddle those lines while holding on to each other we could be steady together, less likely to fall.
I got dressed and make a quick phone call. I drove to the studio where Dex told me Joe was working and wandered my way through to find him.
He was sitting on a sofa with his guitar and a pile of notes, working on a song.
"Joe."
He looked up and smiled. "Hey." His eyes scanned down my body, carefully dressed to please him. Short skirt and a low-cut top, the same outfit I'd worn the first time we had sex. "You look nice."
"Do you recognize the outfit?"
"Nope. But I'm a fan of the body under it."
I laughed. "Yeah, well. You might not be in a minute."
"Does that mean you made a decision?"
"Yes. But first I need to tell you something."
He put down the guitar. "That sounds serious."
"It is. I kissed someone else."
"Since yesterday?"
"No, before."
"Oh."
"I'm not saying this to hurt you. You deserve the truth."
"Okay."
"Here's the thing, though. I kissed him and that was all. Because he wasn't you."
"I get it, and I'm not mad as long as you're not here to tell me you want to go be with him."
I shook my head. "No. And I think I only did it to prove I could, to show myself I wasn't yours. That you didn't own my heart. But you do. And I want you to. No matter how hard this has been, I can't ignore the truth anymore. I was always so scared you'll want someone else, that this would end and I'd be broken. But leaving you is what broke me.
"And even when we've been arguing I feel more alive than ever now that you're back in my life. You said you could see that I love you and I see the same thing in your face. And I hear it in your words. The ones you wrote in that song and the ones you speak. And if you love me half as much as I love you then I am stupid to worry about anyone getting between us. Because no one could ever have my heart the way you do."
"That's how I feel too."
"I know that now. And I might get scared again but I want to make you see how much I mean it. And trust you. And love you. All this time I was trying to change the wrong things. I'm done with that and ready to move on together."
He stood up and walked over to me, standing so close I could smell his skin. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. "What about our uncertain future?"
"It doesn't matter. Every day with you is precious to me too. No more running. I'm in this thing until the end. If that's next week or next year never."
He smiled faintly at the repetition of his words. "Prove it."
"I will. I'll start today and never stop. But first I need to do one more thing."
He raised his eyebrows. "I'm in."
"Not that, silly. Tell me why you love me."
He cocked his head to the side as if wondering whether or not I was serious. Seeing that I was, he finally spoke. "Okay. I love you because you're smart and funny clumsy. You're gorgeous and sexy and kind. Sometimes I want to smack you upside the head because you don't see how wonderful and magnetic you are, but that's part of your charm too.
"I love the way you look at me and the way my name sounds when you say it. I love the way your skin feels under my touch and the way your hair tickles my face when I kiss you.
"I love how thoughtful you are about everything, even if it gets in your way sometimes.
"And most of all, right now, I love that I can see you're still afraid of the future but have decided to move forward anyway. With me. Because when we're together I think anything is possible. I'm more myself with you than anyone else in the world. The best of me. Which isn't close to what you deserve but I'm going to try to be."
I put my hand in his chest and felt his heart beating. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to me, slanting my mouth over his for a kiss.
He wrapped his arms around me and held the whole length of his body against mine. His tongue drove inside my mouth and explored. I moaned, enjoying the taste of him.
Joe shuffled us backwards and dragged me down on the sofa. His hands roamed my body and I warmed under his touch, feeling alive in a way I'd forgotten was possible.
"You have to be shitting me," a voice said from behind us.
I broke off our kiss to look and saw Ryan glaring down at us from the open doorway.
"Joseph, you are supposed to be working on a song. Not working on your girlfriend."
"Fuck off, Ryan." Joe's lips curled up and he bent back to kiss my neck.
"I give up. Look, go make out somewhere else, okay? Studio time costs money."
"Fine. We will." Joe lifted me onto my feet and held my hand tight. "See ya."
Ryan's eyes bugged out. "What?"
"Gotta go. I'll be back tomorrow." He looked down into my eyes. "Maybe the next day."
I giggled as Joe led me out of the room, past his apoplectic manager.
"Always a pleasure, Ryan," I said.
"Fucking lovebirds," was all I heard him say as we raced down the hallway towards my waiting car.
Chapter Nine
We got back to my apartment and fell into bed immediately. Unlike the last time, the sex was slow and tender, like a song we sang together. Clothes were shed and every inch of both of us was explored with hands and mouths as we worshipped at the altar of our bodies and our love.
When Joe slipped inside me I moaned and let my head fall back. I realized this was heaven. A place where nothing but love and passion existed. And just as he found peace in my arms in the midst of his hectic life, I could have the same thing. We could explore the future and our dreams and come back together, safe and secure, hidden from the world, but never from each other.
And after, as he held me, I felt like such an idiot for denying myself this love for so long. I traced the lines of the tattoo on his shoulder and smiled up at him. "What are you thinking about?"
"Your apartment."
I looked around. "What about it?"
"It's…kind of messy."
"What?"
"On tour you were always cleaning things, putting them away. What happened here?"
I smacked him lightly and rolled over on my side, my back against him. "It's my place. No one else has to deal with the mess here usually. Unlike a shared hotel room."
"Well, I plan to spend a lot more time here in the future, Liss. So see about straightening up, okay?"
"Asshole."
I got out of bed just long enough to fetch a bottle of water and some snacks. We ate and drank together, wrapped in my sheets, never letting the other person out of arm's reach.
"So, tell me more about this new career of yours, Liss. Journalism? Want to interview my band?"
"Absolutely not. While it would be a great way to get published again it violates all of my journalistic ethics."
He pulled me closer and nuzzled at my neck. "Mmm, give me more sexy reporter talk. Do you have glasses and a little notebook?"
I giggled. "Maybe."
"Did I ever tell you the thing I had for Lois Lane as a kid?"
"No."
"Well I did. Tell me more about your next probing story. Will it involve going under cover?" At that Joe went under the covers himself, sliding a hand between my thighs.
"Pervert."
"Oh you are good at finding the truth."
His mouth dipped down to my breast and he licked slowly in circles. I squealed as his fingers found my core, and gave up on using words at all for a while.
~*~
Eventually we did manage to have a real conversation. There were details to work out. While the band was in town recording it would be easy to spend time together, but when it was time for him to go back out on the road it would take some planning.
But once I stopped being so scared I realized Joe and I could figure it out. Together. I'd loved being on the road with him and now that they were making good money he could help with tickets so I could fly to wherever they were and spend a couple days on the bus.
And when I was home I wasn't going to be sitting around waiting for him to call. I had my job at the diner and a contract with the newspaper, a list of classes I wanted to enroll in for the summer semester, and some really great friends, including Zach. I'd made the life I wanted for myself and almost didn't notice. It took Joe and how well he knew me to make me see.
From the first jolt of electricity between us, Joe and I were connected. Through touch or a phone, it didn't matter. The spark between us grew stronger and stronger, into a fire that warmed and protected instead of burned.
When the band finally finished their album they threw a party. Half celebration and half goodbye, everyone was there and in high spirits. Ryan was crowing about the new assistant he hired to "keep the animals under control" on the road. Kelly came to the party and flirted with sweet, quiet Matthew, who looked terrified of her, but pleased about the attention. Sourpuss Rick almost smiled at one point I think, or it might have been a grimace. But my Joe, his lopsided grin was unmistakable. As he said in his toast, he had "a brilliant new album and a fantastic girlfriend." Everything a man could wish for.
And maybe life wasn't perfect, but it sure as hell rocked.
A Note from the Author
Thank you so much for reading Rocked to the Core. While Liss and Joe have their happy ending (or is it just a beginning?), there are more stories to tell in their world. If you want to be one of the first to read the next book, please go to my website, www.clarabayard.com, and enter your email address to join the announcement list.
Also, I love hearing from readers to feel free to send me an email at [email protected] and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible.
And finally, if you enjoyed this book please consider leaving a review.
- Clara