by Jessica Wood
He met my eyes and I saw the pain in them. “I know, Liv…I’m really trying to be patient.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
I shook my head. “No. You haven’t pushed me. You’ve been more than understanding and patient with me over the last two weeks, and I’ve really appreciated it.”
“But you just don’t remember me…” His voice trailed off and I could hear the hurt laced in his words.
“Connor, my body remembers you. My body is responding to you. I’m…I’m really wet and turned on.” My face grew hot with embarrassment as I heard my own admission.
“Really?” He looked at me hopefully.
I laughed softly. “Didn’t you notice how my body reacted to your touch? Or am I imagining things?” I teased.
He flashed me a warm smile and the pain on his face disappeared.
“Please just give me some time to get to know you again.” I was riddled with guilt knowing that I was breaking this man’s heart each time I denied him, each time I stopped him from making love to me. But as much as I tried to force myself to allow it to happen, to see if it would bring back my memories of him, something inside me stopped me. It didn’t matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, this man was a stranger to me. He was the fiancé of the woman I once was, but he was a stranger to the woman I was now.
***
“Hey, hun.” I heard Connor’s voice in the hallway.
“I’m in the kitchen,” I cried out as I put the sandwich on a plate.
Connor’s face popped into the kitchen and he looked at the plate in my hand. “Making an early lunch?”
“Yeah, I didn’t eat much during breakfast.” I immediately thought of our awkward morning in bed and our almost-as-awkward breakfast where conversation seemed forced. It had gotten so uncomfortable for me that I ended up eating my breakfast quickly so I could excuse myself from the dining room and let Connor finish his breakfast and coffee by himself.
“You know you can have Debra cook you something more…” He frowned at the sandwich. “…Appetizing.”
I laughed. “Don’t mock the sandwich, Connor. Will you believe me if I said that I’ve had flashbacks about this sandwich?”
He raised his eyebrow skeptically at me. “Really?”
I took a bite out of the sandwich and purposefully moaned loudly as I licked the peanut butter from the corner of my lips.
He chuckled and shook his head. “What’s so great about this sandwich?”
“Peanut butter, banana slices, and bacon. It’s like heaven in your mouth, but it tastes like sin.”
He laughed.
“You know you want to take a bite. Come on.” I waved the sandwich up to his face to tempt him.
“I’m allergic to nuts, so no thanks.”
“Oh.” I immediately lowered the sandwich. “Sorry. I didn’t know—I forgot.”
“It’s okay.” Then he frowned. “You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat this sandwich before.”
His comment surprised me. “Really?”
“Really. You can even ask Debra to see if you’ve ever asked her to make you some, but I can’t remember ever seeing you eating it.”
“Hmm.” I thought about the broken piece of memory that had come back to me about this sandwich. “I remember loving this when I was younger.”
“What was your flashback about?” He looked at me with curiosity.
I frowned. “It’s actually one of those memories where I can only see a few seconds of what had happened. I just remember being made this sandwich and loving it, and…I don’t know how to explain it, but I know that I used to eat it all the time when I was younger.”
“Hmm. Maybe you grew out of it?” he offered as he swung his laptop bag over his shoulder. “Anyway, my train into New York City leaves in twenty minutes, so I have to get going.”
“Okay.” I leaned toward him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“I’m sorry that I have to leave you right now, but it’s only for twenty-four hours. An important client wants to have an emergency meeting over a time-sensitive business venture in the New York office this afternoon. Since I’m there, my secretary scheduled several hours of meetings throughout the day tomorrow. So I won’t be back until tomorrow evening. Are you okay here by yourself?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
He sighed. “Usually you’d come with me to these meetings.”
My brows furrowed at his words. I don’t know why, but his words stung.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” he quickly corrected when he saw the expression on my face. “I know you’re not ready to go back to work yet, and the doctor said it’s best to ease you back into your regular routine. That’s not what I meant, honey. I just meant that I’m not used to being away from you for this long.”
I looked up at him. “But it’s only a day.”
He chuckled. “Yeah. You’re absolutely right.” He shook his head and sighed. “I can’t believe how inseparable we were. After we started dating, I’m pretty sure we didn’t go longer than twelve hours without seeing each other.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I guess between working together, dating, and then moving in together, we saw each other a lot. And when you were in the hospital, I visited you every night after work and usually stayed the night.”
“Maybe that’s why you didn’t get a good night’s sleep,” I teased as I grinned up at him. I realized that I felt indebted to his kindness and devotion to me. “I’m a really lucky girl, Connor.” I buried my face into his warm embrace and heard the even thump of his heart as it pounded against my ear.
“I love you, Liv. I just hate to leave you alone, especially when you’re still adjusting.”
I pulled away and smiled up at him. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll keep myself busy.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“What do you have planned for today?”
“Well, I’m still going through all my old photo albums, and I want to start combing through my emails. I think that might help jog some memories.”
“Sounds like a plan. If you need help with anything, just ask Debra or Jim. Bill will be in New York with me.”
“Okay, cool.” I felt a mixture of guilt and relief as a wave of excitement overcame me when I realized that I was about to have a whole day to myself. It was strange to live with and constantly see someone when you had very few memories of them, and I welcomed this precious time alone. It felt as if I had some extra room to breathe.
“I’ll be home by early evening tomorrow. Do you want to go to Talula’s Garden for dinner when I get back?”
“Where?”
He let out a warm chuckle. “It’s the farm-to-table restaurant that you love in the city. It’s one of your favorite places to eat.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. You love the skirt steak and sweet ricotta doughnut there.”
“That does sound delicious.” My stomach rumbled in agreement and I blushed.
He snickered. “Looks like your stomach hasn’t forgotten. I promise you, it’s way better than that sandwich in your hand.”
“We’ll agree to disagree on that comment there.” I playfully rolled my eyes and took a big bite from the sandwich.
“Let’s see if we’ll agree to agree after our dinner tomorrow.” He laughed and leaned over to kiss me goodbye.
I giggled, grateful that he seemed to always have a way of making me feel comfortable.
“So I’ll see you tomorrow night.” He headed out of the kitchen and then stopped and turned around to look back at me.
“What is it?” I looked at him expectantly, thinking he had forgotten something.
He flashed me a beautiful smile and winked at me. “I love you, gorgeous.” And without another word, he turned, rounded the corner, and disappeared from view, leaving me standing in the kitchen smiling after him.
***
After Connor left, I spent the rest of the morning going through one of the oldest-looking photo albums that I’d found of mine, which was filled with photos from my childhood. I laughed through the first half of the album as it was filled page after page of just me as a very chubby and very happy baby. It wasn’t until the second half of the album that more pictures of my parents appeared.
I smiled at the sight of them—they looked as happy and beautiful as I had seen them in my most recent memory this morning. Tears fell down my face when my eyes landed on several pictures of me in front of the same light blue house from my flashback. There was one of my parents and me standing together in front of the house next to a “SOLD” sign on the lawn. There was another of my mom chasing me around on the lawn, threatening to tickle me with her hands if she caught up to me. There was an unadulterated look of pure joy and innocence on my face and I could almost hear the high-pitched squeals of happiness that had undoubtedly escaped my mouth. Then I got to the next picture in the album, and it caused a grin to spread across my face. It was me smiling as wide as my tiny lips would go. I had my arms around a girl and a boy—the same two kids that I had seen in my flashback, the ones having a tea party in the treehouse next door.
“So we did become friends,” I heard myself say out loud as my fingers traced the edges of the photograph.
Just then, a middle-aged woman in a black and white maid’s outfit walked into the room, causing me to look up from the photo album.
“Good afternoon, Ms. Stuart.” I could hear a hint of her Puerto Rican accent come through in her voice.
“Hi, Debra.” I smiled. “What did I ask you to call me?”
She paused and smiled uncomfortably. “I’m sorry Ms. St—Liv. You know it’s just that Mr. Brady, he prefers that I greet you formally.”
I rolled my eyes. One thing I’d learned about Connor in the last two weeks was how serious he could be about things. He had reminded me early on that Debra, Jim, and Bill were employees and we needed to try and keep things professional. What was it that he had said? “They may be working in our house, but they’re still employees, so there needs to be some boundaries. Becoming too informal with them will only blur those boundaries.”
I knew Connor did not become a thirty-two-year-old multi-millionaire by accident. I knew he was great at managing people and money. I knew that to some extent he was right—that being informal with your employees may cause some professional lines to be blurred. But I also knew that even if Connor felt like he had to maintain that clear separation between himself and his employees, it didn’t necessarily mean that I had to treat them the same way. I didn’t know how I was before I’d lost my memory, but I knew how I felt now.
I smiled up at Debra. “I know Connor likes to keep things professional, but,” I closed the photo album and stood up, “I’m not Connor. So please call me Liv.”
“But…” She shifted uncomfortably in place.
I sighed. “How about this? When he’s at home, you can address me as Ms. Stuart. But when it’s just me, please call me Liv.”
She thought about it and nodded as she looked at me with kind eyes. “That’d be good.”
“Great.”
“Ms.—I mean, Liv, it’s noon. Would you like some lunch?”
“I had something in the late morning, so I’m not hungry. Thank you, though.”
“I can make you something light. You really should eat something,” she insisted.
“It’s really okay, Debra. I’m not hungry. I was actually thinking about going for a walk.”
“I can fix you a quick snack or salad, or would you like me to pack you something to go?”
One look at her and I knew she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Sure, maybe a snack I can take with me.”
“Thank you.”
Thank me for what? I thought to myself and wanted to ask. But I held my tongue, knowing that I was putting her in a tough situation as it was. “Can I help in any way?” I asked as I followed her into the kitchen.
She gave me a polite smile. “No, thank you for the offer, but I am fine. Do you want me to tell Jim that you want to go out? He can get the car ready.”
“No, I was planning on walking.”
She frowned. “Where were you going to go?”
I thought about it. “Mmm, I don’t know. I was thinking about walking over to the running trail that runs alongside the Schuylkill River. Anna said I used to run along that trail every morning before work. I was hoping it’d jog some memories.” I giggled. “Pun intended,” I teased playfully, hoping it’d help Debra relax a bit.
Her polite smile returned on her face but she didn’t seem to relax. “Are you sure you don’t want Jim to drop you off? It’s quite a walk and—”
“Debra, I’ll be fine,” quickly cutting her off as a wave of annoyance came over me. “I’m not a child. I’m sure Jim has better things to do than to drive me the six or seven blocks so I can walk along a running trail.”
Her face turned red. “I’m sorry, Ms.—Liv. I…I’m just worried that you’ll get lost. Mr. Brady asked me to look after you while he was gone, and I just want to make sure you’re looked after.”
“I’m sorry, Debra. I really appreciate that.” I instantly felt ashamed for lashing out at her. I could tell that Connor was strict and demanded nothing but the best from his employees. I knew she was just doing her job. “But really, I’m okay. I have my iPhone, I can look up directions or hail an Uber if I get lost and need a ride back home.”
“Uber?”
“Yeah, it’s a cool new app on my phone that Anna showed me. You just pull it up and hail a car. It has GPS tracking so one of their drivers in the area will be instantly assigned to you. They’ll pick you up and take to wherever you want. It’s great.”
“Oh, yes. I think my daughter has used that before.”
“Sure beats a taxi if you’re not in a busy area of the city. So you see, you have nothing to worry about. I won’t get lost.”
“You can also call Jim, too. Do you have his number?”
I smiled and tried to remind myself that she was just looking out for me. “I do. Connor gave it to me when I first got back from the hospital. But I just prefer Uber. It’s connected to my own credit card, and well…I prefer to do some things on my own, without relying on Connor.” I looked at my phone and realized I hadn’t known this was how I felt until I’d just admitted it to Debra.
Debra smiled at me in understanding—it was a warm and genuine smile, different from the polite smile she’d made earlier. “I understand. I tell my daughter to always be independent and strong.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For understanding.” My eyes became misty and I quickly blinked away any signs of tears from my eyes. “It’s been an overwhelming few weeks and I want to figure things out myself—I want to feel like I could stand on my own.”
Then to my surprise, Debra outstretched her arms and pulled me into her embrace. “You’ll be okay. Ever since I first met you when you first started dating Mr. Brady, you always seemed like a strong and independent woman.”
I hugged Debra back before pulling away. “Really?” I sniffled. “Thank you.”
She smiled as she straightened up her uniform.
“Were we close, Debra. Did we talk a lot?”
“No, not really.”
“Why not?”
“You and Mr. Brady were both very busy with work. You guys were always on the go.”
“Oh.”
She smiled and looked back to the pan in front of her. “Just give me a few minutes, and I’ll have a peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich ready for you before your walk.”
I immediately looked at her in surprise. “How do you know I like that sandwich?”
She laughed. “You ask me to make it for you a lot.”
I frowned. “But…Connor says he’s never heard of me mentioning it before.”
&n
bsp; Another laugh escaped her lips. “Yeah. You never ate it in front of Mr. Brady. You said it was a secret guilty pleasure, something you ate since you were young. You thought it was a little silly and unsophisticated to eat as an adult, especially one who was to be the future Mrs. Brady. So you asked me not to mention it to others.”
“Oh.” I frowned, trying to take in this new information. “Can you be honest with me about something, Debra?”
She looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. “I will try my best.”
“Do you think I’ve changed since I lost my memory?”
She smiled. “Well, it is hard to say.” She paused to think over her answer. “I don’t think so. You were always kind to me. But you do seem more relaxed now than you were before your accident.”
“I do?”
“Yeah. You were always in a rush, and working a lot. It was almost like you were afraid to slow down and relax.”
“I see.” I realized Debra had confirmed what Anna had mentioned a few weeks ago—that I had consumed myself with work as a way to grieve over the loss of my mother. My heart ached as I thought about the woman I’d seen in my flashback this morning. I wished I could remember everything about her.
***
Twenty minutes later, Jim had dropped me off at the running trails. I’d insisted on walking, but much like Debra, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“Thanks for the ride, Jim.” I got out of the car as he held the door open for me. “You know, you really didn’t have to drive.”
He smiled. “It’s really my pleasure, Ms. Stuart.” Unlike Debra, he refused to call me Liv, even when Connor wasn’t around. “Please give me a call when you’re ready for me to pick you up.”
“Sure,” I lied. “I might stay out for a while, maybe grab dinner with Anna. So don’t worry about me. If I need a ride, I’ll give you a call.”
As I watched Jim drive away, I let out a deep sigh, feeling as if I could finally breathe for the first time all day.